Emotional Abuse - can we talk abou t it and what it entails?

[Janos]

If we already have a thread on this then I apologise for bringing it all up again. Perhaps someone can let me know and if so I'll let the thread die quietly!

I just thought it would be helpful to talk about it, and what constitutes it so people who are in an emotionally abusive relationship could recognise what is going on as it can be so insidious and nasty, and more difficult to identify.

This is not for one moment to denigrate or draw attention away from physical or sexual abuse btw.

fairyliquid-please leave him. he's a twat. you can claim benefits until your job is more secure. am that you have this happen to you. i also have stayed with an abusive man.

I'd like to share my experiences with an emotionallly abusive ex boyfriend. It really highlights how difficult it is to leave these men.
When I was 16 my ex used to follow me around like a puppy. I wasn't keen but he persevered so I agreed to go out with him. He had to beg so that I would relieve him of his virginity.
He was always funny about food. Being a vegetarian he used to refuse to kiss me if I had eaten meat. He used to go through my parents fridge and voice his disgust over the meat. I felt uneasy and became a vegetarian too.
He used to slag off my parents, especially my dad, criticise my friends and he used to call my hobbies such as reading boring.
I always had a sinking feeling but I didn't know how to end it with him.
When I got into University but he didn't the shit really started gowing down. I think he was threatened and jealous. I chose to go to Uni in Scotland and looking back I think I subconsciously wanted to run away from him.
He was still dictating to me what I should eat and using food as a means to control me at this point. He became a vegan and encouraged me to do the same. He was totally obsessed with food, tried to stop me drinking and had completely converted my intersets into his.
At University I would always visit him and he hardly ever visited me. the one time he did visit he slagged off my university, my halls, and the city wher I lived. Still- I could not finish it.
I had even changed my course to suit him. He was so controlling over my diet that I developed a full on eating disorder, went a bit mad and was alienated from my family and friends. My family were terrifed I would die. I dropped out of University as I was too ill to carry on.
He was terrified and we split up. As soon as we split up, I started eating meat again and getting better. It was so wonderful to eat what I wanted and when I wanted.
I stupidly had a fling with him a few years later and ended up in a psychiatric ward briefly after this fling but he didn't want anything serious. I was still hung up but thatnk god we didn't resume a relationship.
He phoned me five years later to apologise for what he had done. He had acknowledged he had been controlling. He had married an dhad two kids but she had divorced him. No doubt she had seen him for what he was.
I now have a wonderful dd, I have got my degree and I am happy.
My experience with this man has definately contributed to mey inability to relate to men and my only regret is that I ever went out with him.
I can't believe I did not leave him sooner. It is so hard to leave such men as they get you hooked and dependant. Even if you know it is wrong. I beat myself up for not being stronger.
Please don't make the same mistake as i did and stay in an abusive relationship longer tahn you have to.

sorry about the dreadful spelling.

All my friends think that he apologised to me as part of the twelve step program. I think he is probably codependant and/or drug and alchohol dependadnt.
I can strongly recommend the book ''Codependant no more'' for those women facing abusive relationships. I am sure that I am codependant and that is why I could not leave this man. I don't remember then name of the author but I will try and find out.

Thank you all so much for your messages of support. Hopefulandfree - I have ordered Lundy B book and am eagerly awaiting it (might be another 2 weeks though). Poshsinglemum - your story sounds so sad and I can so relate to the making you dependant bit. My DH, (I shall call him W**K Man, WM for short) has always driven everywhere and never encouraged my independance. He loves to point out how dependant I am on his driving but never suggests taking me out for a drive to build my confidence. He always suggests swapping over to me driving when we're on the M1 with 2 arguing kids in the back. Then I feel guilty that he has to do all the driving. So I've arranged for a friend's H to give me a couple of motorway lessons. I too have problems with my eating based on years of him nagging me to eat quicker, make less noise and that I'm too healthy - normal food is too lowly for me apparently). I like chocolate like everyone else, I just don't want to eat too many dumplings and suet puddings like him. Mine also does the most revolting belches all the time, especially whan he's in a mood. He has a permanently itchy bum and bends over and rubs on the cream as I'm doing my teeth & asks me to inspect it - yeuk! He never, ever empathises with my illnesses etc but I'm constntly told off for not being sympathetic enough with his. He's a big child with big problems.

Hi
I posted a message on here last week only briefly describing my terrible marriage. I have moved out now - about 2 weeks ago, my daughter was really upset at first but I thought I was getting somewhere as I seemed a lot more together and a lot happier without him there. On saturday he dropped a bombshell he had a new girlfriend - the girl I actually know of who is going through a divorce with 2 kids, we had only moved out 1 week ago by then, wednesday I am told she is pregnant with twins, feel our lives our upside down again, thought I was strong getting away from him, but now this.

fairy- yes, the driving thing is so true. im 31 and still havn't learned!he drove us everywhere when i should have been learning.

He still asks in amazement in front of kids if I am able to drive them to a local activity, when he knows full well I have worked really hard to drive more & further afield. He has never once acknoweldged it. He offers to drive me to and from the station every day to work, but I insist on doing it myself now, as I feel that's an element of controlling me.

Hinchy
Well done for moving out,it's the hardest part.
From what others have posted,it's not that surprising that he has someone else,or that he has been unfaithful. Of course it must hurt you even if you weren't happy with him. But it's part of the pattern of these men, and yet another sign of why you will be so much better off without him.

Posh - thanks for sharing your story. It is so strange how hard it is to leave them, even when you're miserable, when you know it is best to leave, when if it was someone else you would be totaly baffled as to why they would stay.

sorry,haven't read all and not much time to post,but wated to reply to Hinchy who sounded so upset

I knew it wouldn't take him long - but not this soon- telling me he won't be on his own for long as he likes sex too much. He hasn't just destroyed our lives it is other family members who are upset by these actions. keep thinkin - how do I tell my daughter, do I tell her, yesterday he claimed he wanted joint custody,what a laugh I know he doesn't have a leg to stand on why would he want to as on weekends he was either sat on sofa watching telly making a pig of himself or in bed with a hangover, I feel for the past 5 years I have mainly done the child rearing on my own so that is why it seems to great loss that he doesn't live with us anymore. He has never once took her to a ballet lesson or swimming he couldn't even manage to turn up to our D's 5th birthday party as it was around this time we had split up and he couldn't face people ie my friends and both our families.Sorry to rant but I am still inshock don't know why I should have expected this of someone like him. He is claiming he didn't cheat on me we had split up - we split 9 weeks ago and he reckons she is 4 weeks gone what a load of S**T! I don't think realises how much he is in in it up to his neck as we have disposed of the house yet or bankrauptcy which I am almost sorted there plus he will have to pay for our D's up keep plus 2 more kids!! As he has had a lot verbal from various people in a family he said 'What have I done wrong I have just got someone pregnant' Can't believe it - it is such a joke!!

Well I saw CMM and he really pushed my buttons. I feel like crap now but I?ll get over it. What he does is no more my business than what I do is his (IYSWIM)
All that matters is DD, and me.
Sorry for being obscure but I don?t want to dwell on it because it doesn?t matter

Poshsinglemum ? thanks for sharing your experience. I can relate to quite a bit of it. So good to hear you are with a decent man now.

Fairyliquid ? I?d be very happy to send you my Lundy book if you wish. If you want something sent quick try ordering ?Living With the Dominator? by Pat Craven ? she sends them really quickly.

Hinchy - I am so sorry to hear this but I know exactly what you are going through. CMM and his partner have been trying for a baby and are getting married next month. He also claimed that nothing happened while we were together - yeh right!
It is very painful to hear but I will get through it and so will you. All you need is time. Talk talk and talk some more until you feel better. You have been incredibly brave in moving out so well done.

Soontobefree ? lol at TFB. Here?s hoping you are free of him soon.

CMM wants to see more of me, I don?t know why when he has an adoring GF living with him. Its not as if I am going to ever sleep with him again. I would never forgive him for what I see as a betrayal.
He says that I ?let him go?
Er?think it was the other way round. I would have married the guy if he had proved himself to be consistently safe and reliable, but we all know they cant change.
So what?he can blame me if he likes. This way I get to experience life without the daily stresses and traumas of an EA constantly around, and it?s a novelty I am getting to like more and more.

Just a quick one before H comes back.

went to relate,it was very good,the counsellor helped us see where our marriage had gone wrong, she stressed to him again that he needs psychotherapy to help him come to terms with his traumatic childhood and the way it has affected his treatment of me.

he has booked a session next week with a psychologist which im pleased about.

he is moving out in 2 weeks,and we discussed access etc,she also told him he must stand up to his toxic family and not let them cause trouble or interfere in our seperation.

im feeling relieved,i do feel that he wont let go that easily,hes still talking about us going to london in august with the kids,which im not too keen on (i told him you will have a new girlfriend by then) but hes being reasonable and has even offered to find the hot water bottle for my increasing painful back (due to me having to hoover the sstairs because he refused to) ha i brough that up in counselling and i think he was embaressed.

hopefullandfree-yes we will have to arrange a meet up,im north of manchester.

fairliquid-he sounds awful,really and truly awful,i hope you find the strength to leave him.

poshsinglemum-thanks for telling us your story,it was very sad to read about what he put you through but im so glad you came out of the other side a stronger person.

Soontobefree, im not sure where i am in relation to north of manchester! Manchesters about an hour away from me.
Sadly i too have had the driving issue, benny hill sits clinging onto the roof handle looking terrified and telling me what a shit driver i am and grimacing at imagined risks.
Personally i think hes grimacing because the seat belt is tight against his enormous bulk.
Am trying to get further afeild, but not easy when hes shattered my confidence.

Hinchy, thats a bit shit, and similar to what mine did. They wont be alone , anyone will do, they obviously deserve each other.

Soontobefree, with a bit of luck the itchy arse will be due to a worm infestation.lol.

Madameovary - thanks for the offer of the book. It would be really useful but I'm not quite sure how these things work over the internet. It's all quite new to me.

Hopefulandfree - well done for standing up for yourself at the Relate session. Keep strong and keep him out!

Hinchy - he sounds awful and has created a real mess.

Ho do you start a conversation to say you can't live with someone anymore? I have bottled out several times. Although last night, when he through a real fit at my younger DS over a junior monopoly game, I nearly yelled it at him infront of both DS's. My eldest DS was disgusted at him.

Fairyliquid do you have CAT? Are you ok to recieve parcels at your address?
To answer your question - you make sure you have support in place and a plan, money, bags packed etc. In short, prepare yourself as much as you can.

How do you distinguish between abuse and a bad marriage? I know my marriage is rubbish but I hesitate to say that I'm being abused. It was a friend who first used the word. And then on another thread that I started, someone else suggested it.

Alwaysin doubt. I used to think my marriage was just bad & disappointing. Something, just before xmas, made me stop and think. It was the way he talked to me and the kids, the continual criticism, the put downs and the turning things round. He could say anything to us but we were shouted at/told off if we answered back. I was crying in bed one night and suddenly thought "this is emotional abuse". I'd never heard of the term. So I crept downstairs and did lots of research on the internet. I've done hours and hours of searching since and made loads of notes of what it is and how it applies to me - just in case my memory fades during a good patch. There are some great websites out there that explain all the different types of EA. I am careful to delete my web history. I also keep a diary. My counsellor has also suggested this.

He's been really going on at me tonight because I'm going on my son's school trip and need to dress in 1940's style. He keeps telling me "you're not dressing up" in front of the kids. When he first said it, at the dinner table with the kids, I said I wanted to join in the kids theme. He then repeated it and I told him I could do what I wanted as I'm an adult. He then told me wives have to do what their husbands tell them, that's what marriage involves. He said it several times and was really serious so I just started to laugh at him and tell the kids that Dad had said a really funny joke. He was annoyed I laughed. I know he meant what he said.

Madameovary - I don't have a CAT, at least I've not heard of one before. I can't receive parcels at home. I will ask a friend tomorrow if she would receive it for me. Thanks - you are really kind.

feeling a bit deflated today,and sad also,not sure why because i thought id done all my grieving for the marriage.

its been a rollercoaster of emotions these past few weeks,and because hes turning on the charm now,thats when i always get confused.

take yesterday,i was in agony with my back because id had to hoover the stairs (which id asked him to do for 2 weeks as i have a back condition) so yesterday he brought me a hot water bottle and some paracetamol and he took DD down to the outlaws so i could rest.

i KNOW he always does this,nasty then nice,nasty then nice,to keep me guessing and confused,and the revelation last week that he still has feelings for his first girlfriend,i mean WTF????????????

my mother suggested that i should just let him go and meet her and get her out of his system to which i laughed my socks off.

the next 2 weeks are going to be very very long,we have already started to decide who gets what in the way of furniture etc and ive started telling DD that her cousins are getting a new house with their mummy and staying with their daddy at the weekend,and they have a trampoline,she started squealing oh can i go,which is good because i think she,ll be ok its DS who wont be.

sorry for going on,it helps me get it all out.

Soontobefree,
Reading that made me so angry. He bloody brings you the paracetamol and tells you to rest AFTER he has ignored you and caused you to seriously injure yourself. And he's withheld it until it can be part of the "nice" cycle and cause you to question yourself.???
How nasty and manipulative.
Flat and sad is a very common way to feel. It always throws us because we are used to the rollercoaster of emotions and being on "high alert". When they switch to "nice" behaviour, ESP as a result of us being proactive, it makes us sad for what might have been, but you KNOW it's all BS and fake, that's why it's so hard to deal free.

It IS hard and we DO waver and wobble because these bastards have undermined us so much but please, stay focussed, re-read this thread, you are so strong and have come so far. Hang in there you are brilliant!

Soontobefree, Have you had some legal advice?Dont be too generous!
I initially offered to move out , make no claim on the house , savings or other assests as i was so desperate to get away from him.

Bollocks. Ive kept the house while hes rented some shit flat, hes obliged to house the children and hes not took anything from the house apart from his personal junk and crap.
And i dont feel bad about it either !

hopefull- no im not leaving he is,its a HA house with both our names on but hes moving out thank goodness.

madame-thats just a snippet of what hes like, today i got up at 6am with DD and he blobbed up at 10am,then i cooked everyone a full breakfast,washed up,did 2 loads of washing,he took the kids out for half an hour and i asked him to change the bed and he hasnt.

hes started being nasty to DS, and i asked him to get the tin down where i keep my money 3 times (he puts it up high above the cupboards where i cant reach, he is very tall) but he hasnt,and now hes gone out for the night with his friend,well good riddance thats all i can say.

he said he was staying over at his friends and i said i think thats a really good idea then guess what,he changed his mind and said he wasnt because we are still friends after all.

i left my flippin laptop on today by mistake and hes changed the background and taken off the pictures of the DCs and put some awful yellow background on,its my fault for not logging off.

2 weeks and counting.

soontobefree - well it'sprobably normal in a loving caring relationship for someone to bring paracetamol and hot water bottle to you to make you feel better.
On the other hand, surely it is not normal to refuse to helpso you end up in pain and needing his help! In fect, it probably suits him that you are now needing him. Focus on how he didn't care enough to do the hoovering. I know it's easy to be lulled by the nice bits.

Ditzzy - huge thank you for the book, which arrived today, have been reading it on and off whenever get a chance.

Apparently I have changed,he doesn't likeme so much,I am harder,and more selfish etc... about time!

This is because I refused to give him moremoney. And I told him not to come back here. In some ways I feel sorry for him,buthe is standing there telling me how he didn'tr sleeplast night for worry about his debts, how he needs to come here to show himself life is worth living, it's like sunshine for him. Told me he'd have killed himself if not for us.

Bt it's all about his needs. I've not had a good night's sleep in 8 months. Sometimes hardly any. He has never cared enough to let me have a sleep in in the morning. I've laid awake worrying about the debt he's left me in - yet the debt he's created for himself is more worrying than the debt I face...

I seem to exist merely to serve his needs, and mine just don't count. Well, that has to change.

It's the constant always feeling in the wrong that's beginning to get me down. You start to think, how come he's the only person in my life who finds me this difficult? And you are always apologising and wondering if you've done something wrong. LIke a child. I catch myself saying, "what have I done wrong?" I am anyway.

I always feel at fault. And I'm usually told that I'm stubborn and insist that I'm in the right. So I start to think that I'm impossible. I think I've lsot touch with reality. Am I really this awful person?

I mean, he's cheated on me. And in the most disgusting way. But he'll sometimes try t make out taht it's my fault becuase I'm not passionate. A "freak". Those are his very words. And my clothes are wrong. And the kids' clothes are wrong.

Saturday mornigns are teh worst. Tehy used to be terrible. He'd go on and on and slam doors and be in this rage becuase there wasn't sex on mFriday night. Or there was sex on Friday night but not teh right kind of sex.

I told him the childrne hate teh Saturday mornign rowsn/discussions. ANd I want him to save up teh talks for when they are in be. And he's sulking. It's as if he's got this God given right to say what he likes when he likes and everyone has to put up with it.

He's in a complete rage.