Emotional Abuse - can we talk abou t it and what it entails?

[Janos]

If we already have a thread on this then I apologise for bringing it all up again. Perhaps someone can let me know and if so I'll let the thread die quietly!

I just thought it would be helpful to talk about it, and what constitutes it so people who are in an emotionally abusive relationship could recognise what is going on as it can be so insidious and nasty, and more difficult to identify.

This is not for one moment to denigrate or draw attention away from physical or sexual abuse btw.

onlygotonelife you sound so STRONG at the moment, im here cheering you on!!!!!

i really hope i can be as strong as you when the time comes because if its anything like it was last time,it will be awful.

Onelife - I've set up a new email: ditzzymn @ gmail.com mail me there and I'll organise getting the book to you.

I've been directed here because of things that are happening in my marriage. A friend said she thought I was being abused and it was scary to hear it. And then it came up on another threaad. So I guess I should look into it. Even more scary.
Hello everybody.

Hi alwaysindoubt!

It is very strange when you first start to realise it. Certainly in my case, the EA crept up so slowly I didn't realise it; and even then I didn't really realise that a lot of the things that were happening weren't 'normal' for a relationship - or that they weren't somehow because 'he cared so much'. From never 'being allowed' to stay out overnight after girls nights out (although he would never actually say I wasn't allowed, just some how convince me that I didn't want to ) to accepting all the "funny" nicknames he had for me that all involved insinuations about my size/laziness/stupidity...

We'll all be here listening if you want to talk thourgh whats happening. Trust us - you'll soon see whether your Hs behaviour sounds a bit like all the EAs on here. (and good on your friend for saying something to you too)

Hello and welcome alwaysindoubt
Feel free to vent on here - this is where you can be listened to.

Soontobefree - to get a password go to start-> control panel -> user accounts -> your name should be under "computer adminstrator" which gives you authority to change the settings on laptop -> click on "create password" -> fill in relevant boxes -> then activate guest account.

Just remember to log off every time you leave the pc so it comes to welcome screen with your account and guest account. If he tries to get into your account it will ask for a password.

thanks madameovary ive done that now.

ive just been reading the other thread where her DP insists on going everywhere with her,it freaked me a bit reading it because H is exactly like that,he doesnt like me going to the corner shop and he pulls his face if he thinks im having too many baths

seeing someone else writing it in black and white has made me all the more determined,and the fact that the relate counsellor has told him to get professional help which of course he hasnt booked an appt to do so.

another thing is i have a bad back and when i hoover the stairs im in agony,so he does it but i have to ask and ask and ive been asking for 2 weeks but i give up and ive just done it and now im in agony.

im dreading tomorrow because its where im telling him its definately over, i just hope i have the strength to go through this.

im feeling sick all the time and cant eat,anything has got to be better than this surely.

Not sure who mentioned the book, but im north, near manchester if thats any help to anyone..
Someone mentioned they have 2 faces, and i agree with this. I started to see my turd for who he really is, and now these rose tinted glasses have come off, the veiw is quite horrifying.I honestly beleive him to be truly evil.
The positive is that in that moment any bond i had with him was severed completeley, ill never look back, i no longer feel any loyalty or responsibilty to him whatsoever , complete emotional freedom.

And yes, they do try to set up a replacement once they know theyve been found out, they cannot be alone and cannot function like a normal person. Mine never made it to being a grown up, neither emotionally , sexually or financially or socially, ive been his mother, have had to parent him and give in to his brattish demands or risk a tantrum.

Sad thing is, anyone will do for these men, looking back i realise that i was " anyone " , i was simply available and convenient, as is his new victim. He has no idea who he actually is , is too focused on filling the huge emotional void he has , a job his new victim has unwittingly taken on.I do not doubt that he is severeley damaged, has some sort of personality disorder or something.

For anyone still going through this, you can get out , and if i can do it anyone can. I will add that mine was also severeley sexually abusive. I was so beaten down and lacking in confidence i would actually apologise for objecting to his horrible sexual abuse. Ridiculous .
Whod have though meek little me would ever throw his fat arse out ! Haha !

And revenge,, despite me wishing horrible things on him and raging at him,, he has got his. He has done something lateley that has very serious consequences for him.
Without me to " parent " him he is running around making terrible mistakes and unwittingly showing people who he really is.

Part of me thinks that he is purposeley setting himself up for catastrophe so that i will swoop in and rescue him. He,ll be waiting a long time !

Hi - I have been watching this thread and 'StarsnStripes' for some time. Thank you everyone for your comments and sharing. You have helped me understand what is happening to me and seek counselling support. I now and have finally decided to post, as I would like to share and ask for your views on my situation as I go through the counselling.

I've been with DH 18 years, married for 17 and have 2 DS's age 6 and 11. DH was absolutely charming for the first 3 months and I fell madly in love. As soon as we got engaged, he started to restrict what I wore. The short skirts had to go and I had to wear jeans and polo neck tops so no one could see down my top/up my skirt. He would peer into changing rooms inappropriately to make sure no men could see me changing and insisted I wore a certain type of bra to make sure my small chest was completely enclosed. He disliked me spending money on clothes and things for myself and more or less stopped me from going out. We moved to a different part of the country, where I knew no one, and had few places to go except work. But he still got annoyed at me being 15 mins late back from work as I wasn't home to cook tea. He told me I was loose as I'd had a lot of boyfriends before him, but his girlfriends didn't count because he is a man. He made suble comments about me getting older in my late 20's and I used to feel really ancient and past my sell-by date

He has got increasingly more controlling and difficult over the years. Now my situation is often unbearable. A few years ago, I recognised my marriage was dissapointing and I decided to get on with my life despite him. I have progressed at work and have built up a large circle of friends and interests. At that time I thought it best to continue to bring up the kids together. Now I'm not sure, infact I feel it would be best for the kids for us to separate.

He is normally in a bad mood. He sneers, doesn't talk, shouts and rages over small things (often that the kids have done). Most weekends he goes on hunger strke, so me and the kids eat without him. He criticises me and the kids all the time over tiny little issues. I avoid eating, drinking and doing my teeth near him as the noise causes him a problem. Our younger son is 6 and has some psychological difficties. DH is mentally cruel to him telling him he is useless, immature and a waste of space. He occassionally does small things to hurt him - he bit his finger and drew blood and washes his face too hard/yanks clothes off aggressively/drags and prods him etc. I tell him to stop, but he says he will do what he likes. Other times his mood is fine, then 1 small thing will swing him back. He hates my parents and is openly rude to them and dislikes most of my friends and family. He has a great sense of entitlement towards my family's money - that they owe us hand-outs but his family doesn't. He frequently tells me off and puts me down in front of the children, and occassionaly does this in public. On the plus side, he does help with the housework and childcare when I'm at work. I take over when I'm at home and he does something solitary e.g. gardening, repairs and TV. He always complains about how much childcare and housework he has to do and implies that I am responsible for any problems with the kids and any mess in the house. He has a completely false imression about the work he does around the house compared to me.

To top it all, I've found he has been watching large amounts of porn on the internet, often relating to voyeurism (hidden cameras etc). This has really angered me as he has spent the last 18 years forcing me to cover up! Now I know why! When we were still having sex, he liked to take pictures of me and wanted me to watch the porn - neither of which I was comfortable with. I hope I'm not displayed on some seedy website!

We no longer have a relationship, other than running the house and bringing up the kids. I feel the kids are really starting to suffer and my oldest DS keeps commenting that me and DH don't get on and that he is sick of the way his Dad behaves. I feel my younger DS's development may be being affected. He wants little to do with his Dad and clings to me.

Just before Christmas I found all the porn and he had been in a foul mood for weeks. I decided I'd had enough. So I've put several things in place over the past 6 months, preparing to ask him to leave. My parents want me out ot the marriage and his brother and hs wife are supportive of me too. I've tried to talk to him several times but he always has an excuse as to why not now - "I'm watching the TV", "lets go out" - so I hire a babysitter and he won't go. I've also sent him to the Doctor to see if he's depressed - but nothing came of it. He works from home and rarely leaves the house. He has one set of friends, from his brother's University days, but has even stopped seeing them much and makes exuses when invited out. He knows I like him to go out and work away over night and seems now to avoid doing it. Often he lies and says I stopped him because I was going out. I go out once or twice a week and usually put my youngest son to bed first. I often have to cancel at the last minute because he seems to badly upset one of the kids just before I leave.

I'd really appreciate your thoughts and comments. Is he so difficult I should leave? I feel I can no longer love him as a wife - he almost repulses me! I think he may have a personality disorder with depression. However I have bent over backwards for 18 years to be the wife he wanted but he's never satisfied. He turns round most situations to be my fault - "I'm too slow at eating", "too soft on the kids". I'm so sorry for the length of this post but have 18 years of frustration and upset to vent and you all seem so caring and helpful.

Oh dear - I've just looked at my post and it is very long!

Fairy hes not just abusing you but your chidlren as well, you need to get out now before the damage to your DC is irreparable, as the child of an abusive man who later married one I know this for certainty!
Do it now dont delay for another day

Thanks for your reply macdoodle. I was all geared up to suggest we separate 3 weeks ago but then I found out my job isn't that safe. I won't find out until Sept. With my job, I am in a fortunate position. I can buy a house and support me and the kids. Without it, I'm worried he might get main custody as I couldn't support them. Maybe I'm putting it off too. It's a big decision & a hard one. I should have pushed harder to make him talk. He is clearly unhappy and has made several comments about how much happier he would be if he left. On one occassion I agreed and suggested he did leave. He never mentioned it again. I think he knows I could cope without him and is scared about what would happen to him, although he would never admit it. I've been to a solicitor and I have sufficient grounds for divorce through unreasonable behaviour. I am really worried about how the kids will grow up viewing relationships. His Mum and Grandma were treated badly by her step Dad and his Mum treats his Dad like he treats me, although his Dad seems resigned to it now and only complains to me in private. Why are so many men (and DH's Mum) like this? Two of my colleagues and a close friend are in similar situations.

Just checked in to catch up.

Good luck soontobefree - will you be leaving tomorrow after you have told him or do you plan to go another time? Please take care in case he turns nasty.

Hopefull and free - your posts are always hilarious. What a shame your Benny Hill might have got himself in trouble. So true about the replacement. I left 8 weeks ago, on day 1 he was threatening suicide, by day 4 he was working out how to buy me out of the house by Week 3 he was seeing ladies through a dating agency. Now he's spending most weekends in different cities linking up with those lucky women who've spent money to register on-line looking for love - only to get him!

Madame Ovary - I'm still waiting for my Pat Craven/Pat Evans & Sandra Horley to come from Amazon. The last one you reviewed sounds quite like the theory behind narcissistic personality disorder to me. Bizarrely I have been splitting our possessions up with STBXH and we discovered a complex piece of artwork he produced about 4 years ago. It was a two headed creature (nice and nasty) which he said depicted his "depression". Maybe underneath they do know there's something amiss.

FairyLiquid - welcome and well done for being so brave to write out your story. It sounds like classic EA. I found that keeping a diary of every incident and reading it back as if it was another person was helpful. It almost felt like if it was happening to me it was OK but if I imagined someone doing or saying those things to my DD it was shocking. Also researching and reading about EA as much as possible (even after I've left) if so helpful to come to terms with and understand what's happening.

Agree with MacDoodle, once they start on the DC's that's the line drawn for me. My STBXH bullied our DS from the age of 14 once he had his own opinions etc, until eventually DS made suicide attempt. I regret not leaving sooner, but so glad I made the break.

Hope this helps and good luck!

Fairy you need to read why does he do that book to get an understanding of what drives these weirdos.Its a complex thing and difficult to understand. Us normal folk struggle to comprehend because we assume they think like us, and they definateley dont. I have a copy if anyone wants to borrow it ?
Should really be called spot a twat.

I stayed for years thinking it was best for the children.Its only now i realise the damage thats done to them, no child should have to listen or witness to a parent being abused.And i was miserable and grouchy,, they deserved a mum who was happy and not constantly stressed.
Teach your kids its ok to say no to shit behaviour.Mine thought it was ok and sadly copied some of his behaviour, why wouldnt they, it was normal for them,, and thats really sad.

Digitalis Lol at these women ending up with your ex,, bet they,ll be asking for a refund ! I honestly cannot beleive that anyone would want my bald , fat dull little turd with his stinky breath .His most interesting topic is his bowels, ie " ive got really bad squirts ", hardly a fun night out is it.

hopefull I am glad I had finished eating as your last sentence had me PMSL!
As I've said before - my ex was fond of saying he had diarrhoea/wind/a sore bum etc. Lovely...

Fairyliquid Yes it is most definitely abuse and you should run as far and as fast as you can! I am glad you have got some Real-life support and that others know your situation.

soontobefree - please keep us posted - we are all rooting for you! Can you have a friend there with you or nearby when you tell him?

digitalis - yes I have read a bit about NPD and agree there are strong similarities.

Am seeing ex tomorrow with DD in a cafe - hopefully all will go well. We'll see.

I think mine might have some variation of npd / bpd,, not sure but am quite positive he is seriously abnormal.
Re the arse / bowel thing, whats this about ? It isnt attractive or funny, or a normal thing to say to a partner is it? Who wants to discuss someones bowel movements in detail, how disgusting.

Mine constantly applied cream to his fat arse and would often bend over and do this in front of me , expecting me to look ( barf ).It was always sore as he spent hours in the bathroom suffering from digestive problems due to the vast amounts of junk food he forced into his fat face.

I have found that freinds who are with abusive men also complain of these disgusting acts also, feet picking, ball scratching , nose picking , but above and beyond what a normal man would do.I personally think its a sign of their lack of self respect and respect for us.
Might be a coincidence , but lots of them also seem to be sexually imature / perverted and incapable of a normal sexual relationship.
Debt, bad driving ,self victimization overbearing mothers , i can spot these signs a mile away now .

Fairy, what a twat with the " loose" comment .Ive had similar nasty comments .
Before i kicked him out i took pleasure in telling him that i cant be that bad as i can feel his 4 inch nasty little nob perfectly well.Also pointed out that it usually stank after it had been trapped against his enormous bulk all day.
I find these sexual insults particularly offensive, i had years of " show me your xxxx , bend over so i can xxx " and other degrading comments tailored to humiliate me.
He didnt know how to have sex, just did things to me.
If he had spoken to a female colleague at work like that he wouldve been sacked.

I vote we all use a nickname in referance to these idiots, i bag turd and benny hill.

I'll call mine carbon monoxide man, since he's toxic and I always start to feel better once I'm away from him.

CMM for short.

Eeeeuwww! I had to look at mine's haemorrhoids and he always picks his nails off never cuts them.

Think I should call him Farmer Giles. He hardly ever bathed or showered and had a list of fictitious ailments as long as your arm which he expected sympathy and catering for. They all miraculously disappeared when it suited him.

Apparently the bedclothes never get washed now I've gone.....

Janos thanks loads for starting this thread. I am currently supporting a friend who's experiencing emotional abuse from her DH. I will read through the whole thread and hope I can learn lots more to help her.

My bedding always stunk of his rancid feet and that horrible beer sweat and trapped farts. .I never realised but i must have smelt like that too, as i slept next to him.
One of the luxerys i now really apreciate is loveley clean bedding!

Other people thought he stank too as colleauges at work had complained about it.Of course he was terribly offended and they were all jealous of him. lol.Pointed out that as they were not asking where he purchased his bottle of odour de fart that was highly unlikeley.
Also nice not to be seriously injured by his disgusting talons ( toenails).

Can sympathise regarding the piles, i saw more of them than i did of him, in fact i could itentify them in a line up! Cannot look at grapes without being reminded of his enormous ( and painfull ) piles !
Seems there is some justice after all !

OMG these men are beyond rank.
Can TOTALLY empathize with the joy of nice clean bedding.
Mine would leave skidmarks on the sheets I used to dread pulling back the duvet in case I saw one. He seemed offended that I mentioned it but I was so pissed off as I like my clean cotton sheets and why should I have to put up with it FFS?
He'd also get the most extreme head sweats, so my pillows would end up smelling fusty too.
I think some of it was a passive-aggressive "dirty protest"

It's disgusting, but I can't helplaughing at these descriptions as well.

Ex:
talons for toenails also that he sometimes would rub on my feet (oh, so amusing!)
scratch and pick feet / athletes foot yek
scratch balls and sniff
never bothered to put bedding on his bed when we stopped sharing, and any time i did it for himit mysteriously came off (sheets that couldn't even bear to be near him!)
Horrible stains on mattress and pillows... sweat and goodness knows what else
Sometimes he'd get paranoid after taking drugs and lock himself in the room, so would pee in bottles or mugs... then leave it there, hidden til I'd track it down by the pervading smell of old urine
Immense farts, no effort to control them
Want me to help him put his socks on / pull them off (although could manage when I wasn't around)
any injury or illness much more debilitating than it could be for me

Hi all

Hopefullandfree-im very near to manchester

Well theres been a development,yesterday H asked me was there something wrong,and i said no, so he said well you,ve been hardly talking to me,so i said well we are splitting up and you said if im nice to you it sends mixed messages.

cue him panicking, "but ive phoned the psych for an appt"
so i said well thats good but you should do that for yourself,-i asked him why he hadnt phoned her before and he said he didnt have her number,so i said well she has a website and he said oh i didnt know that,and then i said her number is on your mobile,again oh i didnt know that.

so we talked and he said ok i will go,so last night he went to see his brother and his brother has said he can move in with him in 2-3 weeks when his other lodger leaves.

PHEW!!!

but,im not getting too excited because he seems too calm,he seemed happier last night which is probably

a,he has a plan
b, he has his next victim probably picked out

i would think its b rather than a.

havent had time to read through all the posts as im in a rush to go to relate,but ill read them when i come back.

my nickname for him is

the festering blob,or TFB because thats all hhe does,sits on the couch like a blob and festers without putting any effort into anything!!!

Soontobefree, let me know if you ever want to meet up or if youd like me to post this twat book to you. Am glad things are looking more positive for you.
Lol at the various disgustingness of these idiots , certainly not normal behaviour for grown men. Not one of us would put up with it from our young children , but i think its a common theme with these abusive nobs.

I also suspect sexual deviancy,immaturity goes with it too, mine would grab my breasts and say " honk honk " and laugh hystericly.Of course if i objected i was " too fxxxxx sensitive ".Also had a massive collection of animal porn and spent most of his time on the pc perving while i dealth with the children.

Lol at his new victim thinking hes mr nice guy .