Emotional Abuse - can we talk abou t it and what it entails?

[Janos]

If we already have a thread on this then I apologise for bringing it all up again. Perhaps someone can let me know and if so I'll let the thread die quietly!

I just thought it would be helpful to talk about it, and what constitutes it so people who are in an emotionally abusive relationship could recognise what is going on as it can be so insidious and nasty, and more difficult to identify.

This is not for one moment to denigrate or draw attention away from physical or sexual abuse btw.

Ah, I love the smell of cake and righteous retribution in the morning

can i join please?

Hi and welcome Mehdismummy. I think I remember you on an extended bf thread ages ago, though I had a different name.

Hmm, not sure about my weapon of choice - electric cattle prod thing maybe?

I'm going to bring some booze so we can get pissed and use that as an excuse afterwards.Yeah cattle prod sounds good.

Wish I actually had cattle prod!

Despite giving e £20 on Sunday so he doesn't keep hassling me for money - he has spent it, and has been moaning all day about lack of cigarettes, and I should have given him money when I saw him this morning.

Ffs, he thinks his salary is pocket money as I see nothing of it, yet I, with no income must pay for anything and everything he demands.

He is threatening again about stopping the promised £1k pay coming to me, despite owing me tons more than that. So ridiculous. Tells me I'd better not complain about no money as it willbe my fault... does he honestly think he's being fair and reasonable? does he lknow he's a deluded irresponsible bully?

Is this behaviour so ingrained in them they believe their behaving normally? Or do they know it's not OK, but do it anyway?

Men like our twats have been conditioned to think the sun shines out of their backsides. My twat always says "How come everyone else likes me? The only person I don't get along with is you!" He shouts at his parents to this day because there were never any consequences for it. They paid his car fines for him on loads of occasions. It starts from childhood until they become so deluded they don't know what's normal and what's not. TWATS!!!!!!!!

Welcome Mehdismummy

Onelife, they dont care, its as simple as that.
They dont see a person, when they look at us, they see a thing, which hands out money/favours and isnt supposed to complain.

Every time you look at him, imagine he is an irritating bluebottle buzzing around, really he is as much use.
I am getting more and more angry every time I read about his selfish demands onelife, at this rate he will be first in the lineup at our little "party".

i need help and support please

H is acting like we are still together,on sunday he said that he wants to try again,i said i dont think thats possible.

hes been watching my every move,not leaving the house-the counsellor asked him to get out more this week and let me have some space and also let me spend time with the DC as he says i "cant cope" without him, I CAN and I DID for a few months last year when we split,but he keeps telling me i need him.

im starting to feel quite depressed,he can manage to get his car booked in for a repair but cant manage to phone the psychologist for an appointment like he said he would.

im dreading the next relate appt as im going to have to be very direct in saying i dont want to be with him and hes acting like everything is hunky dory.

he has changed all his passwords to his email and FB acct which means he is looking for other women again.

im starting to feel very but i need to get with him.

please help as i dont want him to wear me down as he has done in the past.

hi everyone, haven't posted for some time but have been following this thread.

Soontobefree, he sounds like he's really messing you about - again. Can you insist he makes the call tomorrow? It doesn't sound like he has any real intention of changing and of course you can cope without him, you've shown that already. He's just stalling for time now. It might be worth setting a mental time limit and leaving if things don't improve by then.

Have been having a rotten time with H, and also some health worries with ds which have left me very stressed. H refuses to acknowledge any problem with ds and says I'm overreacting (I'm not.) It's got to the point where he shows me no affection, virtually recoils if I touch him, openly sneers at me and often refuses to engage in conversation. I know from my Lundy book that these are classic EA signs. He has a sulky and petulant look on his face most of the time at the moment.

I'm coming to the realisation that this isn't going to suddenly improve, it's been going downhill for months and he's just getting worse. There are a few "accidental" shoves through doorways now, and some "play" pokes and slaps. He is a very bright man and expert at making me feel as if I'm overreacting.

My self esteem has plummeted so low I sometimes don't even think I'm capable of interesting conversation any more, despite having lots of friends and making new friends easily. I've lost weight recently and he is still making fat jibes. I'm not fat at all, he just knows that saying I am gets to me. He's working away constantly, and said he might not even come home this weekend as he's been invited to a corporate sporting event (meaning he won't see the dc's for almost 2 weeks!!) He phones in the evening (which I dread) and just moaned last night about my "crap" taste in music, how I'm always losing his things, and am really irritating. It's so unfair and untrue.

I'm seeing a counsellor who is slowly making me understand that I can't change him, but I can change how I react to him, and need to stop being pleasant and enabling this behaviour. He wants to "talk" this weekend, so he might well have decided to leave. I feel so sick, and my stomach is in knots. I'm so scared of the future and how I will cope with 2 small dc's on my own, but also slightly excited about the thought of living without him. It's a nightmare.

thats part of the problem tho, his refusal to take responsibility for things.

i just dont get him at all.

he either acts like a sulky little boy and "disables" himself so i have to turn into his mother or hes nasty and wont show me affection and refuses to engage,doesnt and has never made a move on me sexually,its always been me,and after years of it i feel very unattractive and worthless,although i know im not really.

then if i say a word or something he doesnt like he,ll not talk to me,if i ignore him he takes it out on the DC, i cant win and i want him to go.

sickofthisrain
well if he works away a lot, then you know already that you can cope with 2 small dcs on your own, don't you? And you will cope even better when you don't have to put up with someone chipping away at your self esteem.

soontobefree - he is just hoping to wear you down - he probably knows hw difficult it is to actually force a separation, how strongly inertia works,especially if things aren't too bad... he wants you to think it's just too hard to leave. But you know that this life with him isn't what you want. Don't let him decide your life for you. I've forgotten if it's your house or his - if you would be the 1 to leave, then you know you don't have to wait for him to accept or agree that things are over,don't you? If you've decided, that's enough. I struggle with wanting to get him to agree with me, to understand why things are over etc - but I know he is intrinsically unreasonable, and it is totally pointless.

Latest from Abusive ex:
he arrived here uninvited - it was kids' bedtime, so just opened door (stupidly) as was in middle of bf so couldn't be doing with big discussion. Comes upstairs, tells me he "requires" £10. Say no, cannot afford. He says he must have it. I say no, cannot afford. He comes into kids' bedroom and continues to ask for the money. I ask him to leave. He won't. He tells me to come out of room to discuss, but when i leave room,dd1 cries out for me to go back in,so I do (dd2 asleep) He comes in and continues to tell me he must have it. Says must pay back a friend (who works, and I am quite sure is better off than I am!) He tells me he doesn't believe I cannot afford. Tells me I WILL give in. He will break things if he has to. He will go and take drugs instead so will owe more money. He will stop the money coming in to my account. All these consequences will be MY fault, because by not giving in I am choosing for them to happen. I am being abusive towards kids, because by not giving in, I am forcing him to continue demanding money in the bedroom in front of dd1. He threatened to get drug dealer to come to the house to deliver drugs - he pretended to make such a call (his mobile has no credit and I'd taken downstairs phone off hook when he started saying he'd make a call from the house, so knew just pretence).

In the end I gave him £2.50 for fags and my 1 day bus pass just to get him out of the house. Immediately he was happier, started talking about something normally, and said I should call him to discuss it. When said didn't want to call him, he said he would definitely be coming back later then.

I have locked and bolted the door,and will certainly not let him in should he choose to return.

I am proud that I did not let myself show my upset, remained calm,merely repeated that I could not afford it. That would call police if necessary.

Apparently I am mental. Not normal, because anyone normal would not act like this over just £10 (on top of the £90 I have given him since Sunday, on top of the £35k debt! Yes, only £10!) I have a screw loose. Any normal couple () wouldn't have problems like this. I have lost it.

But no doubt in his head, he is normal, decent, caring responsible partner (!) and dad.

soontobefree
I have come to the realisation that there is no point trying to "get" these men. Their behaviour isn't normal or rational, and it can't be understood or changed. We are just wasting our time.

I too have felt unattractive and worthless - conversely he actually often tells me I am attractive but like him, his words and his actions never go together. He has had no seual interest in me since dd1 was born ecept when he'd had a few drinks or taken drugs - then he would watch porn over my shoulder,making me feel like i could be anyone at all.

He has advertised for other women for over a year. Although he denies having sex with anyone else, he has seen / phoned prostitutes. Yet he seems jealous of the idea that I should ever see anyone else in the future. And used to tell me frequently that I would never have a successful relationship because of all my flaws,and that I have no standards, and he wouldn't trust me to choose someone decent etc etc.

I only slept with 2 men before him (and i was in my 30s), yet because of jealousy issues at the beginning of the relationship, he would call me a whore.

Anyway - he's just called, apparently it is because he's stressed about something at work, he's now realised that was the trigger for his behaviour. And yes I am still at fault for being ridiculous enough to deny him what he wanted.

onlygotonelife

our "men" are very similar,H has said to me in the past i will never get another man with 2 DC and im lucky to have him.

he also has chased after any trollop going but goes mad if i have a male friend on my FB friends list.

he isnt sexually interested in me at all,in fact i dont know WHY hes still here,theres nothing between us nothing at all.

i want to move on and i know i will find a partner that finds me attractive and wants to be with me and love me.

Well I guess you provide something he wants - even if domestic services. And someone to put down.

I think ex thinks he's 20, living at home with his mum looking after him and him off chasing women, and the kids are very young siblings who he helps out with but ultimately aren't actually his responsibility.

So I'm some kind of mother figure, so no longer sexual, and someone who should love him unconditionally without him having to earn any love or respect.

Similar to yours?

yes exactly the same!!!!

i often say to him im not your mother im your wife and he looks at me with a blank expression on his face, but i dont want to be his mother!!!!

its very dysfunctional and im tired of it!!!

and yes he gets domestic services provided so i suppose thats enough for him.

sad isnt it.

I once said to a friend that H treats me as though I'm his mother not his wife. Friend turned to me and said 'does he really talk to his mother that badly?'

I think all the EAs on here have a lot more repsect for their mothers than they do for us...

I've been Reading that book "controlling people" and it's very interesting. Apparently these men have a "pretend person" a kind of ideal woman, and they find someone (us) to "anchor" her in, and for a while it feels glorious, like we have found our soulmate.
However, they can never accept that we are seperate individuals because they just see us extensions of themselves, so as soon as we say or do anything to contradict this, they get upset and try to shut us up with contolling and abusive behaviour.

It explains that actually we have power over them because we control their reality. They have anchored a piece of themselves in us and if we threaten to leave they actually start to feel like they don't exist and panic. This explains why, when we are compliant again they relax and act like nothing has happened.

It's crazy but it makes perfect sense where my ex was concerned. We didn't sleep together or have sex for 18 months but he couldn't leave until he'd found someone else to anchor himself in. When I would tell him to go he would actually panic.

I don't believe he has a complete sense of self, it's like the man I fell in love with doesn't exist anymore, actually I don't think he ever did. It's fascinating and gave me real insight into his behaviour. Also highlights just how sad and pathetic they are.

Ladies I am so sorry you are still getting so much grief. Onelife good on you for taking that small stand. You will find the strength to get rid of him, I promise.

Soontobefree please try to rise above his denial. That's his reality not yours. You are the rational one not him.
Sickofthisrain sorry to hear you too are having a bad time, but good that you are getting counselling.

OMG Madamovary that is my H to a tee!!!

i have often thought he is "pretending" and that the real H is in there somewhere,but after nearly 10 years im sick of waiting for him to come out!!!

yes yes to needing another anchor to go to,thats what hes doing now,hes trawling through the net trying to find someone who will have him,because since sunday when he said we are trying again (which i havent agreed to) he has been very relaxed.

why oh why did i take him back last year? i must need my head testing, my counsellor told me at the time i was rescuing him-i see now that she was right.

well all i can say is i hope he finds another woman pretty damn soon, Madameovary have you got the author of that book cos id like to buy it, i want to buy the lundy bancroft one but nothing gets past his eyes so ill have to wait until hes gone,shame really because i could do with it now to make me stronger!!!!

soontobefree - whereabouts in the country are you? I could lend you my Lundy book if you like? Is there somewhere I could send it where he won't intercept?

Soontobefree the author of the book is Patricia Evans. I had a thought re not wanting EA's to know we are reading these books.
Some of them are available as "ebooks" so you could download them and read them on the pc. Obv this is not always practical but it's a thought. I know Lundy is available as an ebook

I do think that reading/educating ourselves is very, very important to understanding what has happened to us. If we can get counselling too then our chance for recovery is that much greater.
Every day I'm away from him I get more clarity about what happened and wonder how I could ever have put up with him.

thanks very much for the offer ditzy,im in the north but i dont really have anywhere you could send it to apart from my mothers but she thinks i should "forgive" H and work on my marriage

the ebook is a good idea but again ill have to wait until hes gone because he trawls through my laptop looking at what ive been looking at,amazing isnt it when hes the one whos up to allsorts but treats me as if i am, massive case of projection there me thinks.

well i was supposed to be having a lie in and he said he,d see to the DC as im full of a cold but guess what,ive been up since half 5 with DD,because its sunny and she thinks thats the time to get up,while hes snoring upstairs,she did ask him to get up and reminded him that mummy was supposed to be lieing in but he ignored her.

ah well at least its peaceful!!!

ive got DS off today,he had a bug and school told me not to bring him in until tomorrow,so im going to take him out and get away from H,who has got any plans today,so he,ll probably just fester around the house,go on the PC and make himself endless cups of tea.

That's a pain, I'm in south! I'm a liability with this book - I really really want to give it to my mother, so she can understand what my father does to her; but I don't even want to think about how much trouble that would cause.

You asked my crucial question earlier as well - 'why oh why did I take him back last year'. And even the correct answer for me as well - I decided to rescue him. Even though my mind is completely unwavering on the outcome (ie. we have split up, and now all my family and friends know, its much easier not to waver) my thoughts are still spinning on how it all happened; needing to confirm that it was him him being EA (not me being just as bad) and how I can make sure it doesn't happen again.

soontobefree I'm in Scotland if that's any good? Or is that too far North?
Re the laptop, do you know how to create your own profile with a password? It's very easy. Get him a guest one as well so he can't whinge about not being able to use the laptop, but won't have a password. Then you can look up whatever you want and just log off afterwards.

Ditzzy - don't suppose there's any chance Icouldborrow that book is there? I would buy it but don't have thespare cash at the moment.

Saw WA today again, and she's referred me to a counsellor,also chased up benefit for me - should hear in the next week. May even be able to help towards bed for dd1,so was helpful. Had to take dd1 with me today, so bit more tricky to talk though.

Have told him he's not welcome here and that he'll have to see kids somewhere else - hope he doesn't just turn up later. Hope I stay strong and deterined - thank you ladies cos you're all helping

ah still too far north that Madamovary!!!

we will have to have a meet up one day,all us who have escaped from an EA.

well today ive spent most of the day in bed as i have a throat infection,i think that its down to stress.

he has cut the lawn (im supposed to be really grateful for that) and watched endless quiz shows,but hes been on my laptop because he showed me pics that hes transferred of the DC from here on to the PC.

so i do need to get a password,and i dont have a clue how to do it!!!!

im trying to gather my strength for friday as its crunch day,the main problem is that the EA is soo subtle and sometimes i dont realise it until i think back,but ive started to keep a diary of it to help keep me stronger.

he just wont accept when i say its over and tries to manipulate and change my mind like he has done so many times before,i think this is about the 7th time ive tried to end it in all the years we,ve been together,but this time feels different as i know he doesnt mean what he says and he definately doesnt say what he means.

just frightened that ill come out of this looking the "baddie" as he can be completely hcharming to everyone else, especially my mother who thinks the sun shines out of his backside and i should just put up with the behaviour because i get to go out on day trips and hes good with the kids.

sorry,i feel like im taking over this thread at the mo