Emotional Abuse - can we talk abou t it and what it entails?

[Janos]

If we already have a thread on this then I apologise for bringing it all up again. Perhaps someone can let me know and if so I'll let the thread die quietly!

I just thought it would be helpful to talk about it, and what constitutes it so people who are in an emotionally abusive relationship could recognise what is going on as it can be so insidious and nasty, and more difficult to identify.

This is not for one moment to denigrate or draw attention away from physical or sexual abuse btw.

well Ive just had a load of abuse from my ex EA aggghhhh !
Asked a simple question if he could look after DD2 while I took DD1 to see Hannah Montana - she doesnt get a whole lot of time with me as a single parent with an older child and a toddler!!
I should know I would never get a simple answer and I dont know why I bother even asking, I am just giving him the means to contro and abuse me!
Looks like OW and their baby is far more important than my DD's, I dont know why I bother, he just cant be arsed, and then likes to lord it over me!
When I angrily told him not to bother, that I could look after my family myself, I would actually get someone who cared about my DD's to look after them, he launched into full scale assault, "I should fucking grow up", "what the fuck is wrong with me" "I am pathetic" "I have a cuckoo in the nest" think he means DP stupid twat!! Not his nest anymore, not for a long time now!!! Wish DP was here, unfortunately he works away

Luckily I am so much smarter and disengaging, have taken landline off the hook, and put mobile to silent, he has called numerous times already

The difference is though I am angry and a little upset, I really dont care any more, I can disengage so much quicker and easier now, no more tears or distress, no apologies from me or wondering if it is in fact me, I know it isnt, I have built up a little support network and will ask one of my friends to have DD2 which is what I should have done in the first place!!

Well done for bouncing back macdoodle. The fact that you don't really care anymore must feel soooo good!

The no caring is the key. As sad as it is, they never really "get it" until you really don't care anymore. Nothing x says to me bothers me anymore and he can see it too. As soon as he starts I get up and say "I am not going to engage with you" and leave the room. He usually puts this down to me not being able to stand being "caught out", obviously he has said something bullying or vicious and because I won't argue back or try to explain why he has got it wrong as I have always done before he puts it down to me not being able to deal with being wrong. Snore........

He said to me today "its no good tearing strips of each other, we need to get on for the sake of dc". I said "No you are trying to tear strips off me and I am not letting you".

It is easy to keep calm when you don't care anymore, however you still have to be vigilant because the not caring needles them and they will become more and more cruel in order to get a response. You can never let your guard down.

Yes spring exactly !! I do very similar, and he does step it up, he cant bear it!

I get called a "spoilt brat who doesnt listen when its not going my way" "and to shut the fuck up and listen", when I dont engage !

well ive been following this thread for a while, and tomorrow am going to relate with h, i have told him a few times i want to split and he has said

If you ask me to go nicely ill go,if you start getting arsey about it i wont

to

im not going anywhere,im going to bring the magic back to us

he follows me around,doesnt like me seeing friends or people coming to the house,he wont go anywhere usually just wants to sit in the house with me.

he can be sometimes nasty to DS but lavishes attention on DD which ive had enough of.

but this week hes been completely different,hes been going out,being nice to DS,nice to me,all jolly and nice, BUT im used to it now,i know for a fact it would last a couple of weeks and when i stop talking about being unhappy and wanting to split he goes back to controlling.

hes not going to like what im going to say at relate tomorrow,and tbh im dreading it,but i just want him out of my life so i can get on,ive been depressed for years as a result of being with him and things can only get better.

Soontobefree, you sound very sure of what you want, but are you aware that couples counselling doesn't work with EAs? Hopefully you will get a good counsellor who will back you up, but if not don't hesitate to assert yourself and that you know it is Emotional Abuse.
I think you speak for us all with your last sentence. All the best for the relate session.

Hi MA, yes i know now about EA,s and counselling, because we went to relate 18 months ago and it was the counsellor who told him he had major problems with the way he spoke/treated me and he needed professional help.

so he went to see a psychotherapist for a couple of sessions and when she told him the same that he was basically an EA he stopped going,he cried and begged and promised me the earth and like a fool i decided to give him another chance.

i have since found out that during his 3 days he left when he was declaring undying love for me he was messaging over women asking for nude pics and other things, i only found this out a month ago and that was the final nail in our relationship.

he has booked the appt but he told me yesterday he holds the relate women responsible for us breaking up because she "made" me split with him,i said nope she didnt it was my decision,and he said relate are supposed to keep you together, and i said no relate are not controlling and are there to help you break up amicably as well.

its the same counsellor we had last year that we are seeing tomorrow and im not looking forward to it at all,ill feel better when i can say how i feel and hopefully he,ll go and he can message as many women as he wants as long as hes not messaging me!!!

I'm reading everyone else's posts every day and seeing similarities all over the place, but never actually seem to post advice about anyone else's problems. Maybe I haven't got the confidence levels back up again enough yet to actually feel I have anything useful to say.

Its interesting seeing the patchwork of some things being better or worse with each EA man though. It infuriated me last year (and the year before that) that H wouldn't go to counselling with me - I don't suppose it was because he knew why it wasn't a good idea! At the time he said it was because he already knew how badly he'd treated me and he didn't need to pay someone to tell him that. Didn't stop him carrying on thuogh did it? I still think my H isn't as bad as a lot on here - bad enough to leave still, don't worry, no wavers here this morning, just not as bad as most of you have it. Hence I don't really feel I can offer much.

I have just had our weekly conversation whereby I repeat that we are splitting up, and this week he has said 'so you still haven't changed your mind again yet' - which I guess is an improvement on last week's assumption that I didn't actually mean it in the first place. It was coupled with my statement that I'm not going to MILs tomorrow. No questions asked. He's now still sulking in bed.

Hi Ditzzy - glad to hear no wavering in sight! I think it's essential to hear about all the degrees of EA because it seems so subtle and insidious, how many of us doubt ourselves in believing it's bad, or even going on sometimes?

Today he came round this morning to take dd to pre school - dedicated, thoughtful, big effort - all very nice,wanted congratulations on the effort he's making, duly gave.

But then he asks me what I need to do today - stupidly listed things, like telling companies can't pay bills etc. He then says well i hope you've written a list,or you'll forget - I hate the way he acts like he's in charge of me, so said no, I'll be fine, and then he tells me he'll check again this evening and I'll owe him £10 if I've forgotten! Then moaning about what's on the buggy.Then telling me something fell on the ground and got wet and is spoilt. When I said it was nothing important, he didn't belive me and wanted to look in the envelope to check for himself

In some ways none of that is that bad,but in other ways it's just the fact that I feel anxious about how he'll go on at me, like I'm up for performance review at work, that every little thing is a big deal - it's so wearing. And I end up getting grouchy, then it is me who is at fault.

Plus I swear he thrives on making me anxious. Yesterday he came round and was cooking for dd - then suddenly says he's going to get some cigarettes, and needs the bus pass he lent me - we have about 10 shops within 5 minute walk. In the end he said he thought he'd dropped something in a shop in town, and wanted to go back and look- but if that's the case, why not just say that instead of telling an obvious lie, being secretive etc, making it look like he was off to do something dodgy? Because of the drugs and the financial implications of it, I find it hard not to worry when he behaves oddly
.Anyway, sorry, just letting off steam. But is his behaviour EA or just bad tempered moaner?

Hello
I have just left an emotional abusive relationship after 7 years we have a 5 year old DD. It got to the point where I became a shadow of my former self cutting myself from family and friends who I was once close to.

I knew our relationship wasn't right for a long time but couldn't find the courage to leave. In feb I ended up just breaking down in front of my mum as I just couldn't carry on anymore , he isn't my mother's favourite person anyway. I just told her everything which she could see what was going on , if she ever came round he would hide upstairs again if any of my friends came round he would be the same. He would never go to social occasions which organised by my friends but it would always be necessary to go to his friends get togethers. He works for himself and has done for the past 2 years which has also caused a major wedge between us as he has got us into enormous financial difficulty to the point where the house is going to be repossessed and we are both going bankraupt due to his constant spending (this cutting a long story short!!). Luckily I have just moved to a lovely rented house near to my DD's school. Although I am losing a lot I know this is for the best as I can now see light at a very dark tunnel and I am feeling almost alive again, I felt like he had stampped on me and I couldn't get up again, thankfully I have got a great support network of friends and family and i am starting to feel slightly alive again!! Know I've got a lot to get there but if I need to do these things to have a normalhappy life so be it. My D at the moment isn't taking it very well which is heartbreaking but I think what is teaching he about relationships when she is always seeing mummy crying or be called 'Useless' at every available opportunity. I got made redundant last year where he seized the opportunity in calling me 'an unemployable bitch' which he now says was he is way of me trying to get a job!! which I got 2 months after being unemployed.

I now try and think you only get one life and my daughter needs a happy mummy not a miserable one which I was for a long time while I was under his spell.

went to relate today.

i did not hold back on what i thought of H and our situation,i told the counsellor how he tries to control me and his dalliances with trollops.

she asked him did he realise the effect of what he had done on me,and he said no but i imagine i upset her a lot, he went on and on about how he wanted to change blah de blah
so i said this is how i see it,we are ok and get on fine if i

stay in the house with him
dont go visiting friends
dont socialise
dont pay too much attention to DS
let him control what goes on

she said to him that it wasnt the right way to treat me and he still has anger issues and said he needs professional help.

he said he will get it
i said i dont believe him he always says this
and he went for 2 sessions then didnt like what he heard and stopped going,
the counsellor said lots of people dont like what they hear but you have to keep going.

so the conclusion is that we are splitting,he will move to his brothers at the end of the month when a room becomes vacant and we are going back next week.

i was starting to waver a bit as H was putting on the tears but then i remembered everything he has put me through thses last few years and i stuck to my guns.

he isnt a severe EA but its there and its been there for ages and stripped me of my personality and as i told the counsellor im strong now and i aint ever going back to how i used to be.

she was very very good and she wasnt fooled by H at all.

onelife, his behaviour IS EA because he is clearly manipulating you with "good" behaviour so you wont question when he does things which are obviously making you uncomfortable:

"Plus I swear he thrives on making me anxious"
Dont be fooled sweetheart. You know its EA, you know his behaviour is not good. Listen to your instincts.

Welcome Hinchy, I am really impressed with your strength and I wish you all the best. I'm glad you have a good support network at this time. Please keep posting and let us know how its going.

ditzzy Please dont worry about whether you can offer support, sometime we need to be the supported ones

soontobefree I'm glad it went well with relate and that you now have a plan. Dont let him fool you again and if you feel yourself starting to waver - read your posts again!

Sorry for the slight hijack, but please please read StercusAccidit's post above (it's 4.30am...) her EA has now turned violent .

Just posted - what he did made me feel sick. Bastard.

At one stage I could have put my hand on my heart and said my EA would never hit me but towards the end his temper and anger were getting uncontrollable. If we had stayed together I am sure he would have been violent to me. He is still emailing me wanting sex .

Hinchy great to hear you've had the strength to leave your EA - I am in very difficult financial position because of him, so your story gives me hope.

stbf well done you for sticking to your guns at the counselling

Stercus's story was very shocking - scary how it escalated from nothing physical to such a brutal attack - I guess it shows how the danger can increase when they realkise their controlis slipping aay and their usual charm techniques aren't working anymore

Had ludicrous evening yesterday, when e wanted £2.50 for cigarettes. Said no, why should I deny myself things I want, walk 5-6 miles a day often with baby in sling and toddler in buggy in all weathers, while he feels entitled to whatever he wants, from a takeaway and fags, to drugs and prostitutes, despite not contributing financially. He refused to leave the house, saying he'd stay till he got the money, mocking me, even unplugged computer saying he'd take that instead. Only calmed down when he found enough change round the house to buy them. Came back even though said didn't want him to. Then went into charm offensive, apologising, doing washing up etc etc. This morning wavering between apologies and making effort, and telling me I'm childish, panicky, highly stressed etc etc. How is normal or OK to demand money from someone, or else, however little or much money involved? And "it's only £2.50" isn't true cos it's more like £20 over the week.

It's not normal at all to demand anything - it's all part of his ingrained sense of entitlement. And how horrible to then get nasty and manipulative and threaten to take your stuff instead. I'm so sorry.

Sorry, If I've missed a part of this, but does he have a key to your home? If so, can you get the locks changed, or if not, are you able to reduce the amount of time he spends there or comes over? I know he comes to see DD, but it feels to me like he's using that as an excuse to come over and harrass you. So sorry, as it must be horrible for you.

My EA is moving out on Saturday so only a week to go (fingers crossed he actually goes, although I think he will as he is a bully who crumbles in the face of authority and he knows that WA, GP & HV are all aware of the situation. However, still as EA as ever. DS woke up at 4.00am for a feed, and I couldn't get up immediately as my back had seized up (hangover from bad SPD). So, while poor DS screaming and me trying to get up, EA lies on his back, refusing to move, saying "For F sake...Fing hell...Jesus F*ing Christ" etc etc as DS dared to wake him up! I can't wait for him to go - I'm past upset now. We gave DD and DS a bath before bed and I took DS out first, dried and dressed him and gave him milk in the bedroom, leaving DD with him to finish bath. usually he brings DD in to room with me to get ready for bed when they have finished. She was messing about and I heard him say "I'm letting the water out" so waited for them to appear. Next thing, I can hear him in the kitchen, so i went to investigate and found that he had let out the water, left DD (age 2) in the bath, walked out and turned the light out! She was sitting in the wet slippery bath ON HER OWN, in the DARK . When I confronted him he said "I suppose you'll put this in your diary as well!". I can't wait till he goes and he's never ever coming back. NOBODY does that to my children. I can't actually think of any words bad enough for him at the mo - am so utterly beyond furious. And he has the cheek to say that I am ripping him away from his children, and that I am only doing it because I am mentally ill!

Cloudbase, fingers crossed for you that he goes. Will you and the children be out of the house when he leaves?

Cloudbase, and at your ex for leaving your dd in the bath alone, so childish as well as irresponsible.
He doesn't have a key any more, but he just does what he wants, so if he feels like staying he will. Last night when he wanted this money, I am standing there with the door open saying "please leave my house" again and again, and he just says, no, not till I have the money for the cigarettes. I said i'd call the police - I mean it's just ridiculous that someone thinks they are entitled to anything they want, entitled to remain in my home til I give in to them. The baby had woken up, and I wanted to go to someone else's house, but the 2 friends who live nearby weren't in. All he was worried about was that the neighbours would hear the fuss.

We argue in front of the kids, and I know that's wrong, and it needs to stop so they're not damaged by this. He believes this too, but his solution is that I stop answering him back when I don't want to give him money I don't have, or ask him to get up rather than lie in bed all day - personally I think the only solution is not to have him here. He cannot take this on board. He is in responsible mode at the moment, planning on getting another job to pay back debts. But part of this is to insist he'll need to sleep here between shifts, to get some peace, now he has added in that I will obviously need to cook for him too. He doesn't hear the "you lie, cheat and steal, you only do what you want, you have no respect for me, you spend our money on drugs and prostitutes, you've advertised for other women all through my last pregnancy, you are selfish and arrogant, and it is over" - no, we are still a team! We must still work together!

Sorry - ranting again

Only, I think it's time you stopped letting him in your house. You need to arrange for him to visit his kids outside the home. Perhaps he could visit them at a family member's house, or a local park. Anywhere except somewhere he is able to bully you. Preferably with a friend of family member of yours chaperoning.

It's more than reasonable for you to insist on this, he's so addicted to his drugs that he's robbing you blind. He has no right to steal from you and bully you. He has no right to expect you to help him sort out his life. He forfeited that a long time ago. His life is now his responsibility.

Only, I echo what dizie says - I arranged to meet ex in public places now.
Cloudbase - what a fuckwit, and doing that to your DD

I am not having a good day today. I wish I could take it out on every one of these idiots.
Just line them up and give me a baseball bat.
[Hormonal emoticon]

I'll bring a bike chain to the revenge party if that's ok madame?

Picks up another baseball bat and eagerly awaits the arrival of EA twunts

Ooh I didnt expect you to want to join!
Yep bike chain is good junglist.
gets extra flapjacks, banana cake and freshly baked bread for junglist and dizietsma