Emotional Abuse - can we talk abou t it and what it entails?

[Janos]

If we already have a thread on this then I apologise for bringing it all up again. Perhaps someone can let me know and if so I'll let the thread die quietly!

I just thought it would be helpful to talk about it, and what constitutes it so people who are in an emotionally abusive relationship could recognise what is going on as it can be so insidious and nasty, and more difficult to identify.

This is not for one moment to denigrate or draw attention away from physical or sexual abuse btw.

MO, I have those moments too when I miss the b***d, but in reality it is only because I am used to him being around. According to my WA counsellor, it takes seven attempts to rid yourself of an abuser, ie he worms his way back, everything is fine for a while, then it all starts again, you kick him out, he worms his way back etc etc.

Something I have found helps me during those long, lonely evenings when I just want to call him or text him just to make contact, is to watch the film Sleeping with the Enemy, it is a total wake up call and all thoughts of making contact with him go out the window.

Thanks swineoclock, I keep a lengthy written record of not only what he's done but how it has made me feel. I am past the point of contacting him whenever I miss him but a quick trawl through my list of his nasty behaviours soon gets my feet back on the ground.

One thing in particular he did was so cruel and nasty that it can't be reasoned away, and that's the thing I focus on. Does the trick every time.

Actually I have PMS right now so I think that is largely the reason.

Hurrah my Lundy book has arrived. Wish it had come with a fake cover called 'silly little women's novel' or something. Maybe I can suggest this to publishers. All I want to do is read it as first few pages have been riveting but can't sneak away enough to read more than a page at a time. Also slightly worried about him finding it. Anyone got any tips?

NK1, put it in a carrier bag, hang it on the same hanger as your buttoned up winter coat/jacket. Great book and a good idea suggesting a different cover.

MO, counseller suggest doing the list to me but am not ready to put in writing as I am still stunned at what he was capable of. The last few days have passed relatively well, I have felt strong and angry and then he managed to contact me. I thought I had blocked every route of communication, I was wrong .

NK1, bag obviously goes inside the coat . How about inside suitcase, under a bale of towels in airing cupboard.

Swineoclock don't worry you will do it when you are ready. I am sorry he has ignored your boundaries though. Do you have any of the books mentioned here? They will help you stay focussed.
NK1 hope the very good suggestion re the book and hanger works for you.

Mo, Lundy is my bible .

NK1, just a couple of other thoughts, how about in a suitcase, under towels/bedding in airing cupboard (not usual man territory iykwim).

sorry, NK1, didn't think my other post had worked .

And so he continues to contact me, I foolishly replied, I am now apparently to blame for everything, I feel as though I am back to square one

swineoclock, please dont beat yourself up, they are SO GOOD at deflecting blame away from themselves and onto us.

Even after we have left we still "go back" mentally, it is only natural. Butthat lessens as our autonomy and sense of self returns.

You will get there, I promise!

Thank you MO. I know you are right, I just feel so drained at the moment and I KNOW I was inviting trouble by replying to him . Must read more of Lundy today

My RL support group gave me invaluable advice when I asked them about post-breakup communications - I kept wanting to play the game, wanting him to know I was this or that, but they simply said:

"Dont engage, because you can never win. Why? Because he will ALWAYS stoop lower than you, and you will ALWAYS come off worst."

That really got through and from then on I stopped engaging and said "None of your business" to personal questions.

Not to say I did not still WANT to engage, but that advice stopped me.

I have written that down MO, it is a great piece of advice, thank you. Onwards and upwards hopefully.

About three months ago I wrote the following on a piece of paper as "affirmations" to see me through the down days. Usually one of them hits the spot. I got the idea and some of the content from an abuse recovery site, and have the paper up on the wall:

Yesterday is History
Tomorrow is Unknown
And today is a Gift
That's why we call it The Present

Continue to be Strong
You are doing Really Well

Give yourself Time
Give yourself Space
It will get Easier
What you feel is Normal

Do not feel you have to do ANYTHING for him
DONT contact him
He is EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE
He will miss you - you wont miss him
He will want you - you wont want him.

YOU WILL MOVE ON
And when you do, the joy you will feel at reclaiming your independence, and your refusal to compromise, will make it all the sweeter.

I also wrote positive three and six-month forecasts for where I wanted to be in that time.

Also, inspired by that diagram in the Lundy book, I drew a series of circles that represented me, DD, and all the people who I trust and who are supporting me.

And a tiny dot in the bottom corner which represented ex with "sidelined!" written next to it.

MO, these are very inspirational thank you. Have found myself dwelling on him for most of the day, really need to pull myself together.

Thanks for ideas on book hiding. Airing cupboard definitely good idea - don't think he even knows where it is LOL

Horrible day yesterday - he got on to me about the bin - I won't bore you with details. He then got very cross because I sat there silently so that I didn't respond to his stupidity. When I did this he called me 'passive aggressive'!! He then insisted that I should act 'civily' to him. I agreed to this just to get him off my back but what a joke when a second before he calls me names!

Have spoken to local domestic violence people today as recommended by WA but no matter how many times I hear it I still can't bring myself to want to believe it really is EA despite knowing it really. I keep telling myself maybe it's just marriage breakdown.

When they start talking about occupation orders etc it makes me really scared and I stop wanting to believe it.

NK1, glad the suggestion helped. Sorry to hear about your day, it is relentless isn't it. As you can see from the time of this post, am dwelling myself on events of the day, not a good one for me also.

Totally agree with you about advice given out, it is scarey and have found myself burying my head in the sand as I don't want to infuriate him any further .

NK1, it is scary and it is hard. Since last week, I told my health visitor everything and she agreed thta we couldn't stay. She is telling our GP as well. I spoke to WA and they have allocated me a floating support person and I saw a WA solicitor to get advice and getting him out of our flat. he kept asking me what was wrong and in the end I told him that I needed him to go. Not a full on divorce, but that I needed to get us out of the firing line while (if) he sorts himself out. I figure if he at least goes then it gives me breathing space to make some decisions. he actually agreed to go (although he doesn't understand why)but now i just feel physically sick and just want to cry my heart out. Like NK1, I just feel like maybe it's not real or maybe it's not as bad as I think (like he keeps telling me). I felt so fired up last week to split with him, but now the reality of it is hitting home. I think whgat makes it hard is that it's not all the time, and the nice bits in between are what i want all the time. Am finding this very very very hard

Well done you 2
It is the hardest thing I have ever done because they have done such a good job on us, we believe we are worthless and it is all us, because thats what they told us all the time
I am well out of it now, with a wonderful new DP, but some days especially if I have been snappy with DP,I wonder whether it was all me , especially as he is now in the super charming phase with the OW, but I saved all the texts he sent me and I just scroll throught them until I feel strong again - the names he called me, the things he said, the threats are chilling, no one but NO ONE should ever talk to someone like that and you just keep telling yourself that!

One day and this I promise you, you just wont care

"now i just feel physically sick and just want to cry my heart out. Like NK1, I just feel like maybe it's not real or maybe it's not as bad as I think (like he keeps telling me). I felt so fired up last week to split with him, but now the reality of it is hitting home. I think whgat makes it hard is that it's not all the time, and the nice bits in between are what i want all the time. Am finding this very very very hard sad"

Aww, hun, sounds like you're really suffering right now. (((HUGS)))

It really was that bad, though. Don't forget that you are protecting your children and yourself from abuse. He will minimise. He will try and be on his best behaviour to "prove" how "mad" you are, how you are "blowing things out of proportion".

Just because most of the time things seem OK, it doesn't make the times when things are abusive acceptable. Abusive relationships are rarely a constant barrage of abuse. They mostly consist of one partner on edge waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the next assault. That's how they control you. "If you behave, then everything will be fine".

You are clearly afraid of him, and understandably so given his emotional and physical abuse of you. That's not a sign of a healthy relationship.

He verbally assaults your kids. That's not a sign of a good parent. And honestly, if it's starting with your little ones being so young, what are the chances that he'll escalate to physical violence when they're older? Are you willing to take that risk?

He refuses to acknowledge the full extent of what he has done and address it. That's the sign he's an abuser. That's why you can't be with him. It's impossible to change something if you cannot even see it's a problem. He has made it clear to you that he doesn't think there's much of a problem, well at least not with him!

Abusers need to do a LOT of hard and honest soul-searching in conjunction with some kind of impartial psychological support in order to effect the massive behavioural change required for them to be healthy in relationships. You cannot help him with it, he needs to identify and address it himself. He needs to do the one thing he has consistently proven incapable of doing- taking responsibility for his actions and behaviours.

Cloudbase - your words describe just how I feel

I saw the floating support worker from WA today, and also a solicitor there for advice. The support worker suggested a refuge, and said that she could look and see if any vacancies in places near my family so I would have some local support - I find it a scary idea - MO - what was it like being in a refuge? Do you take any things with you? I wonder what happends to your belongings at home? Finance is a problem again because of me having a house and flat (not much longer - will be repossessed at this rate!) - in theory they could charge me rent unless I get IS...least of my problems right now though.

The solicitor suggested getting an injunction and non molestation order. Downside the potential cost (unless i get IS) - even a DIY one would cost about £160. Also, a big downside for me is that I bet that if he didn't obey it, I would find it hard to report him, knowing he could end up in prison - although logically I know it would be his responsibility for his actions, but I know I would struggle, so might just end up with an angry and vengeful ex who still harrasses me.

Even though the refuge suggestion scared me, when I left I found myself just dreading the week ahead til my next appointment. Every time he is horrible I spend my time wondering how I can escape, where can I go, so I guess it's a real possibility.

Onelife, for me it was bloody brilliant being in the refuge, just having a key to a space that was safe, where no-one could tell me what to do...I felt surrounded by people who cared and understood my situation. The council moved my belongings into storage and I took a few bags to the refuge.
But I had very little...no kids then, had never had a place of my own, no mortgage, so it was a case of onwards and upwards. From there I got a flat pretty quickly, about a month I think, but that was over Xmas and New Year.
Although he moved up to be with me and the relationship limped on, I never lived with him again, had DD knowing I might bring her up on my own.

Looking back our relationship was really over once I left. He massively resented that I could get a house so easily because I was a woman and he had to struggle to get a tiny flat. Diddums. He also thought that me getting pregnant would "make us a family" ie I'd move in with him. But I was never convinced that he'd changed. Now I know of course he didn't, just switched from physical abuse to a subtler EA.

The rest is history. Eventually he realised I was never going to live with him and went on the lookout.

I can't regret doing things that way as I would not now have DD, who has changed me for the better, but my message to you would be, get yourself prepared for the refuge as a place where you can feel safe, where no-one can tell you what to wear/think/feel/eat/watch and where you can start to take control over your life. It's baby steps at first but it's the start.

I will tell you what was vital. Making sure all my friends knew. They were cheering me on, so glad I was away from him.

The idea of having control back over my own life, of making my own decisions without criticism, of not worrying when I haven't done something he thinks I should have done, cos know he'll go on and on and on about what poor organisation I have, how come i don't get a million things done, when other women manage with 5 kids etc etc.

Found a bit of paper I'd written on about a time he came in from work - he saw I'd bought some rugs to cover the bare boards of the hallway, nothing fancy, from Ikea, cheapest I could find - and he'd come in, all agressive and rude, not so much as a hello, then snarling - how much did they cost, they're just going to get ruined. Why haven't you cooked me any fucking food? You'll have to get off your arse one day - and when I protested at how he was talking to me, he said I was a drama queen.

So many incidences of him being horrible. Loads more of him being lazy,selfish - lying sleeping in his bed instead of sharing parenting etc - yet the few occasions he's nice, pleasant,normal - they make it hard to go.

I feel guilty about just disappearing. Cruel for taking his kids from him. Guilty about oldest dc who says "I miss daddy" when he hasn't come round for a few days.

Yet I long for a fresh start.

They said people can be in a refuge for 6 months to 2 years, though usually the longer stays are for those without kids. At least if I go, I'm used to basically living in 1 room, as I assume that's what it would be like? My bed is our sofa and table as well as bed!

I worry about taking dd from her friends. From the pre school.

Worry, guilt, uncertainty, confusion......

All that guilt, worry, uncertainty is normal but SO much easier to bear with support. God your EA is a piece of work and it's all very familiar...One time after being a horrible sulky brat he kept asking me what was wrong, trying to get me to break down. I had hideous PMT and said I was fed up with it. He said "that's just an excuse to hammer me with" and "I'm just fed up of all this drama".

Nice,Normal, pleasant, loving, witty, intelligent, he was that too, when he felt like it. But when he didn't you wouldn't know what hit you.

I've kept diaries which I read repeatedly to remind myself of what was behind that nice mask...a man who truly believed he had the right to treat me like that. A fucking bully who knew he could get away with it because I was isolated hundreds of miles from my friends and no Mum or Dad to rescue me.

But in the end, with the help of WA I rescued myself.

Onelife, dare to hope, go on! Get a secret email address and write emails to yourself with where you'd like to be in six months time, how you'll plan your day, how you'll photoshop a picture of his head onto a turd and flush him down the loo (crude but SO psychologically effective!)