Emotional Abuse - can we talk abou t it and what it entails?

[Janos]

If we already have a thread on this then I apologise for bringing it all up again. Perhaps someone can let me know and if so I'll let the thread die quietly!

I just thought it would be helpful to talk about it, and what constitutes it so people who are in an emotionally abusive relationship could recognise what is going on as it can be so insidious and nasty, and more difficult to identify.

This is not for one moment to denigrate or draw attention away from physical or sexual abuse btw.

You will be surprised - I thought the same !
But everyone believed me and a lot of people suspected a lot more than I let on - the first night I finally called the police was the first time I heard the word abusive applied to my marriage and I was shocked but they were right!

Well.... I had 13 out of 20 signs on madameovary's link on signs of abusive personality.. guess I should have read this 10 years ago.,

Another quote taken from one of the links from madameovary, that I just had to add...

Inside I?m crying; weeping for the loss of my family. Outside I must act as if he has done no wrong.

This is a story a woman wrote, prior to this quote, her H behaved so hostile that her family cut the visit short, and probably would not return...

This is just something I can relate to.

It's amazing isn't it Psych101? How they are all so similar, it's the same re-ocurring patterns of behaviour, has to be a personality disorder. My xh would too be so withdrawn and hostile with friends and family that visited, eventually people stopped coming, and still I made excused for his behaviour!

I thought for sure that I was the only one who went throught that one! (being nasty to friends and family) That's a real shocker.... I think you may be onto something, maybe it is personality disorder,... how can it all be so similar? I'm curious. NOT SAYING IT'S AN EXCUSE.

Always so embarasses when my friends, or mum would come over, till they finally stopped.

Its 2:40 am where I am, the latest night ever, but was so involved in the links.

Good night all

I always maintained that he was, and is family phobic because he never liked having family over or going to family things, even his own family. But I see now it's the pathology of an emotional abuser. I keep saying it because it's not my fault now is it.

Definitely not your fault mamas12.. just baffled at the similarities of it all!

Am glad you created this thread this sounds like what I' going through. I feel like its my fault n that its me who caused dh to think im usless.

Welcome noodlebabe,.... have a read through our posts and you'll probably see a lot of similar behaviour.. you will then know that it's not your fault. And by the way...

YOU'RE NOT USELESS

Welcome noodlebabe, I hope you find the thread useful. Please read the Lundy Bancroft book, it is a godsend and will help you see its not your fault.

Glad you are finding the links useful. Everyday I have another little epiphany and I realise something else he did.

For example, I found some old emails from when ex and I were flirting, before anything happened. I see that I totally opened up to him and told him lots of things about myself, and he told me loads of stuff designed to make me think what an emotionally open, sensitive, kind man he was, about he had cried for "every lost girlfriend and cold thing I had done", how he had dealt with bereavement etc.

Yep, he was "Mr Sensitive" which I realised as soon as I read the abuser profiles in the book. Very soon he knew EXACTLY what buttons to push. He would repeat things that my Dad had said to me when I was really upset that would leave me devastated - usually when he was walking out the door.

Other stuff he did which continues to reverberate to this day and which he used to punish me for the entire relationship when I tried to defend myself. The more I think about it, the more I hate his guts and never want to see him again.

But the thing I want most is to just not care.

"But the thing I want most is to just not care"

god that resonates with me - after all he has done to me - I know that i do still care why is that??

should have been

I don't 'care' But what I mourn is the man I loved. I did actually love him and we had a great year or so I thought. Don't know if I'll ever trust anyone again or even know how to behav e normally with another man again.
Now Im doing damage limitation for the dcs as I've mentioned before.
Thanks again for doing this thread I feel quite liberated in relating and identifiying with all that on here.

macdoodle - you care because you are a warm, loving person, its normal to feel that way even about someone who has hurt you.
Also because of the process of traumatic bonding maybe?
I found it very useful to read about, because it made my feelings seem more like "symptoms" of what I had gone through (like a sniffle is a symptom of a cold virus) and therefore easier to distance myself from them.

"Ok, I feel like X because of Y. Thats a sign that I'm working through it. I wont feel like like this forever, just for as long as it takes. Good."

mamas12 I can identify completely with "mourning the man you loved". I realised that the relationship was over for me and I needed to mourn that relationship and the man I THOUGHT he was. Accepting that he was completely unable to meet my needs on even the most basic level was also a revelation.

i'm with an abusive man, mostly verbal, have had a few slaps and pushes though. I always tell him i'm not scared, and I can't describe what the butterflies feeling is, anxiety maybe. When the kids are around I try to calm him by saying whatever but when kids aren't there I give him double back. Once I told him his mum should be shot for raising a bastard like him, because he was nasty to the dog on purpose to get to me.
He always asks why I'm so aggressive! Because I'm on the defensive the whole time you turd!
To any woman going through this, be proud, hold your head high,and love yourself, and know that life will get better one day

Hello Junglist,

1. anxiety
2. animal cruelty
3. accusing YOU of being aggressinve
4. always being on the defense

sounds very familiar to all of us on this thread... definitely Emotional Abuse..

Thank-you for the kind words, and you hold your head up high too! This thread is very good for us, especially when we have 'bad days' and we know them well, the anxiety, the sadness, the feelings of being inadequate.

If you haven't already, look back through the posts for Madameovary's list of helpful links regarding domestic abuse. They are REALLY useful, I stayed up till the wee hours of the morning reading up on the links.

Thanks Madameovary for those brilliant links - I will look at those more closely when I am able; they look good. Sorry I've been away, but sometimes difficult to get on here without him knowing. I have been talking to family and friends and finally being honest with people about what he is like, and am surprised by the number of people who are not surprised (if you know what I mean). This is very heartening for me, as I guess I still need some kind of validation that what he is doing is wrong. I am reading lots of books (I originally read Lundy book but it was too much for me as I didn't want to admit things were that bad - I think I will re-read it now. Also reading great books by Patricia Evans - check out on Amazon if you can)and am arming myself with information. Am going to ring Womens Aid for advice and am (sadly) resigned to the fact that my marriage is probably over. I will talk to him but I can't see him changing to be honest - he doesn't have the courage or the insight. This is all very scary stuff, but I can't put my children through a life like this. All of you out there, you are so brave; take heart from the fact that there will be better times out there for us all - we are strong beautiful women, and we do not deserve this. Stay strong and remember none of this is your fault.

Thank you Cloudbase, your words have been of great comfort. My ex still affects me as he is DD's father and is with someone else but I am hoping he will move on soon.

I've read the Bancroft book, have worked out the ball and chain is the entitled type,at one point he even expected me to give him regular back massages in the morning while trying to get the kids to school. no more of that though, since I started uni he's wisened up a bit and realised once I'm earning money I won't need him anymore, and that is my plan, bite my tongue and when I get my first wage packet SEE YA! I don't think my bloke is dangerous physically, if he was any more stupid he'd be dangerous! I'm so glad this thread has been started, I do talk to my mates but that's comparing notes as most of them are in the same situations, some in very violent relationships.
For every abused woman,the right time will come.

junglist1, glad the Bancroft book helped you. Feel free to tell your friends about this thread, there are too many women in abusive relationships .

Just out of interest, what do you all say when your EA men accuse you of shouting or being aggressive when you are not being?

This is still a recurring theme even though x and I are not together anymore. If I disagree with him in any way he immediately accuses me of shouting, being aggressive or making a show of myself. It drives me crazy and after 8 years of it I still don't have any answer apart from to lower my voice until it is acceptable to him. Therefore he is still controlling all our conversations in this way. If I don't lower my voice and speak calmly enough to suit him he refuses to talk to me and takes great enjoyment in it.

I need some strategies because I am boiling inside when he does it. I still have to have reasonable contact because of dc.

Springfleurs - in your situation I would suggest keeping contact purely non verbal. That doesn't mean no contact, just use texts/email. I have learned to do this because my XP is just as you describe. I think he enjoyed winding me up to screaming point as he could then feel superior.

Keep messages neutral and polite no matter how much he makes your blood boil. Then he has nothing to manipulate you with, IYSWIM.

Plus, if things are written down in black and white he can't contradict you because you have proof! (Another thing my XP used to great effect).

Hi, I'm reading this post and very interested. I'm reading Lundy's book and I have had to stop as I'm shaking as it's describing everything so well. Will continue to read but making me feel sad really. In a way, there is nothing I can do, is it all over?

Spring mine does that, or when he is abusive on phone (f*cking cnt being his favourite) and I put phone down, then i am a spoilt vrat who wont talk to him when its not all going my way - I have no idea how to dela with it TBH - I try to engage as little as possible

Hi All,
I'm still checking in and reading this thread.
I am reading the Lundy book page by page, even the sections that I thought wont apply to my situation because I still found some gems that help me.

Macdoodle, good on you for putting the phone down when they get VA. The one and only time I ever did that I was scared for hours, that exH would come round ranting and raving at me - but he didnt. I was amazed with myself that I had done it!

Now, if a similar situation should arise, I know to say somethng like 'I dont like the way you are swearing/shouting/at me and if you dont stop I will have to put the phone down'. And then you HAVE TO DO JUST THAT if they dont.

Do we need to change our attitude and responses to these men when they start the verbals? If we realise that they are just trying to get us going then we shouldnt respond to what they say.(I know its hard not to). By replying to each comment its like validating what they say. They get a peverse satisfaction seeing us wound up and upset.

With the help of this thread and this whole Mumsnet site and the Lundy book I feel a whole lot better less despondent, stressed, pathetic, fearful.
I have decided to still respond as I always have to his VA just so he doesnt pick somethng new to hurt me with But my reason for this is I dont want him to know that I am wising up to him. I need the mental space for making plans to get stronger, build my confidence up to eventually get away from him.

Its early days but now I have hope.
Love, courage and all good wishes to everyone here.