Emotional Abuse - can we talk abou t it and what it entails?

[Janos]

If we already have a thread on this then I apologise for bringing it all up again. Perhaps someone can let me know and if so I'll let the thread die quietly!

I just thought it would be helpful to talk about it, and what constitutes it so people who are in an emotionally abusive relationship could recognise what is going on as it can be so insidious and nasty, and more difficult to identify.

This is not for one moment to denigrate or draw attention away from physical or sexual abuse btw.

Madameovary, my H is also father figure! (shudder) he is 10 years older than me.

I need to just stop the tears today, I am so lucky that he took the children out of town for the day because I couldn't deal with homeschooling ds, and ballet for dd.

10 years ago, when we first got married, I would never have spoken back to him, instead I would have sat silently wondering why he was so mad at me.. well, one of the reasons i found out was b/c I did not clean the oven...... or b/c my mom phoned...

Ex is an accomplished poet and there is a poem on his blog today about his ex-wife. One of the lines reads "you fail to supply my needs or demands"

Says it all really, doesn't it?

oooohhh, yes, I will admit, that 'says it all'!! They honestly haven't a clue, and are very self righteous. Good for you that he's your ex.

Just wanted to come along and say how pleased I am that so many people are finding this thread useful and supportive

So many of the comments ring true for my ex. I could just dip in to a post and read something and say..oh yes, my ex did that..and that...and that.

The reason wehy we end up in these relationships..well, as one poster said, these guys don't come with a warning. They are often kind, lovely, charming - until they have you where they want yoou (ie subjugated and miserable).

I spent years with a man like this, wondering all the time why I felt so unhappy, after all I had the lovely home/job/relationship..yet now I am on my own, hardly any money in a council flat yet I am so much happier and more confident.

So it is possible to get away from these awful men and rebuild your life.

THANK-YOU JANOS.. a greatly needed thread for many of us..

Your words, " lovely home/job/relationship" is exactly where I'm at,..

meanwhile, just my bedroom with the door closed is my peaceful haven! In otherwords, I could be happy in a one room flat.

I live in a beautiful 5 bed house, have a big garden, drive a brand new car, wardrobe rammed with lovely clothes etc. Would happily swap the lot for a one bed flat and a husband who cares about me..

Am also really glad you started this thread Janos, it's given me a name for H's behaviour.

You're gonna make me psych101

Thank you.

The thing I find now is..I look at ex and think..how did you ever have such a hold over me? How did it all happen?

Thing is these guys are often all champion manipulators and you don't realise just how nasty they are until you are away from them.

And of course if you love someone you WANT to believe it was just this once, and maybe he has a point, perhaps I am a bit clumsy/stupid/too flirtatious and so on...

Do you know, I;ve just remembered another awful thing XP said to me as I type this. It was not long after DS was born and I'd been clothes shopping with a friend. I bought a lovely white v neck shirt with quite a low neckline. I tried it on thinking 'Hey I look pretty good in this!' .

Made the mistake of asking him what he thought of it. He said 'You look like a whore'. Of course that was me, instantly crushed. It went to the back of the wardrobe and I didn't wear it again for a long time.

Sickofthisrain, my homelife is similar to yours, i was very comfortable financially.Now im on benefits with no car and a mortgage in serious arrears.

But i dont give a toss! I would never go back to that crap, how loveley to be free of the put downs, to not have to constantly have those conversations with myself,,, " Maybe its me, maybe i shouldnt have done / said ,asked ect ".

I never realised how bad it was until i got rid of him,,and how fantastic life is without some idiot constantly trying to big himself up by putting me down. I really do apreciate the small things, and the peace i now feel now im no longer exposed.

My idiot thrived on trying to make me feel uncomfortable, always making " jokes " about my apearance and telling me what someone had aparently said, and how big my arse was.Bollocks,ive got a loveley bottom.
All this from a balding little man who looks like benny hill, and acts like him too!

I have a new man, and love waking u to 6,4 of normal loveley man wrapped round me, not perving, groping or bitching or putting me down , but telling me how gorgeous and loveley i am , how fab my dcs are, how proud i should be of them instead of what a crap parent i am.

Completeley normal for most people, but ive missed out , and i wont anymore.Am back in the real world with real people who think and act in a normal way.

Adding my thanks to JANOS too! This thread has been such a help to me.

I have reached the stage now where I understand what he REALLY is and so what am I going to do about it? Am I brave enough to do anything.

JANOS and PSYCH101 and all others who have managed to leave or to turn things around - I would love to hear how you did it - I'm in need of inspiration as I cannot picture it for myself.

I was born into a large family where dF was extremely vicious and violent to all of us, even as babies. My earliest memories are a sense of fear and oppression and sounds of thuds on flesh. They did eventually divorce so my teenage years were a bit better. (Just a sad bunch of shell shocked survivors, very poor.)

My 1st marriage from 18 - 36yrs was both VA and PA (verbal/physical) but produced my 3 beautiful DS's. At the end it was a choice of suicide or divorce. I didnt want either, really. Then within weeks of my div, along comes this one - Mr. wonderful!(I thought he was then, but had nothing to compare it with).

So often I have thought that a fist in the face is more honest than the way this one behaves towards me. I dont know if I can go into details here and now as I do try to shut down emotionally to cope and it hurts to recall stuff that he has done to me. See, my eyes are wet now. I dont want to be sniffling and pathetic any more.

I am in my 50's now and work part time. All my money (sorry My DS's inheritance) is tied up in this house. I want to live on my own. I have said I will do all the work on the house to get it ready to sell if he will just agree to sign when the time comes. His reply 'I'll have to see what mood I am in at the time'.!!Thats kept me stuck here a further 2 years.

Lol at meeting demands and needs!
Mine would actually say this to me in a whiny voice " i need love , i need affection and sympathy and support ".

Funny really cos i needed support after the birth of our baby but i didnt get it. Instead he made pathetic " jokes " about the way my fanjo looked while giving birth , along with sound effect , then suggested i stay downstairs on the sofa with baby as " he,d had a stressfull day ".

Once when he was telling me what negative comments so and so had made about me, instead of getting upset as i used to , i casually commented " yes its difficult isnt it, not many of my freinds like you either, so and so says you look like benny hill ".
He literally exploded and got extremeley upset, demanding to know WHY they didnt like him.
I pointed out that it was very upsetting to hear this and he clearly didnt like it and therefore shouldnt say it to me.
He continued to yell " why dont they like me? Ill never speak to them ever again, theyre a txxt".

I too now look at the little turd and honestly cannot beleive he ever had such a hold on me.

Size6feet, for me it was a gradual process.I was unhappy for years but didnt have the guts to do anything about it.
Im embaressed to admit it but i got so down i even considered suicide , and i truly hated him.

I stopped catering to his demands , slept seperateley for 3 years and had very little to do with him.Of course he stepped up his abuse as he had lost control.Whenever he abused me i would stand up to him, he couldnt stand it and would often cry with rage as all the things that used to work didnt.

I considered moving out, which he was aware of but wasnt bothered.
Luckily for me, after one particular incidant i told him to get out, and he did, he went to a freinds for the night then rented somewhere.
He obviously thought it was short term , im not sure what i thought.I was in a tizz as i was completeley financially dependant on him, but as time went on i began to REALLY see how badly he,d treated me.

Your not obliged to sell your home if you seperate,, , hes obliged to pay his half of the mortgage either way, perhaps get some legal advice before doing anything drastic.
Lucky for me everything worked out well, but at one point i was so desperate i offered him EVERYTHING in exchange for a divorce and LETTING me move out.!

Things will work out, whatever happens, what a pity there arent local support groups for this, its such a loneley thing to have to go through , and unless freinds have experienced it they simply dont understand.

No, thank-YOU Janos! And Size6feet, I haven't left... I'm still here...unfortunately, but that is why this thread is so important. I don't feel alone anymore I love to hear the 'survivor' stories hopefulandfree!! It's very encouraging..

Haven't we all got something in common here??? We are ALL financially dependent on them.....

wow have just read all of this amazing thread and am in awe of you all. I too have divorced an EA two years now and am still going through the 'fallout' so to speak. I have started another thread about social phobia and I now realise that it's because of what some of you have said about people not believing me and being astounding at the audaciousness of me leaving such a charming man and eventually having to explain and justify what I did, which then takes me back to my marriage.
Anyone have any tips on what I could say in a succint and final way/
One other thing that som have mentioned is the dcs. He (ex) is already using EA on them and I don't know how to advise or help them to cope with it.

Arent people rude !
Ive had people casually asking " i havent seen your benny hill lookalike for a while now ".
No, i say, cos were getting divorced . They then pretend to sympathise while digging for details , i just say it didnt work out. End of.
Your not obliged to explain or justify it.People who havent experienced this do not understand and often make you feel even worse.

Sounds really childish but one thing i did ( still do)that really helped loosen the hold he had on me was to focus on his failings.Im not talking about the abuse, but nasty personal habits, ie, nose picking, burping farting,,scratching his balls ect.
Its hard to feel afraid of him when i picture him blowing off farts or bending over in front of me to apply cream to his permanently sore arse.

I know its not nice to make fun of people , but it works for me and gets me away from the image of this angry explosive man.
The best image ever is one of him running to the toilet clutching his backside which he would do regularly.Anyone with a toddler can visualise this.
Hehe.
It definateley helps.

I had this, left him months ago now after 10 years and 3 kids. It was crap, very much so and violence too. I thought I was wrong and that it was all my fault. He hurt me physically but blamed me, I provoked him or it wasn't as bad as what I made out apparently.

The last time I was covered in bruises. I had and have still really no self esteem at all, well I hope others can leave their "partners" if they treat them like crap.

Welcome Jodie
Mamas I so get the starting on the children - thing is I actually dont think he realises what he is doing , but then I am probably just excusing him like I did all the time we were married
My DD1 is nearly 8, I have a thread about how I think she is XH next vicitm
All I can do is reinforce how wonderful she is and how much I love her and how I am always here for her - with him its not so much put downs for her, but promises and manipulation, he slags me and DP off to her, threatens to hurt DP (which distresses her no end as she loves DP but wants to be loyal to her dad )
He tells her she can go and live with him, she actually packed her things up and was sooo excited in the morning (I tried to say that maybe it wasnt going to happen but wasnt going to be made the bad guy by saying she couldnt go) - when he came to see her and she excitedly said when am I coming to live with you - he looked at her with that sneer we all know so well and said "dont be silly" She hadnt asked or suggested it it all came from him She was just crushed - at that moment I could have happily killed him
I can tell the change in her when she talks to him, she becomes anxious and worried and worries constantly about how dad is doing He has told her he had to go away to work because of me etc etc, though is yet to do anything about that
I am hoping she is young enough not to be damaged by him, and to see how normal people behave with my new DP !

I get that needy one as well, constantly demanding time, affection - it was ALL my fault because I didnt show him enough affection, make him feel good about himself (was that during or after he was calling a me fat repulsive c**t ), and I didnt "participate" enough in sex
What a twat he is, I am often sad I invested so much time and energy in this man (except for my lovely DD's) !

Leaving him was the hardest thing I have ever ever done, I will come back later !

Wow again.
It is a sobering thought now I have actually identified with ALL the stories onhere and I now have identified HIM as an emotionally and verbally abusive man. There I've said it, but I have not slagged him off where we live becasue of dcs, but really frustrating when people ask or don't even know still - he didn't tell anyone we had divorced so it ended up me telling some who were more his friends than mine!
My problems are one thing but it's now the dcs. an example recently, dd was invited to go shopping to nearest city with best friend and her mum but because it was 'his' weekend he didn't let her said he wanted her to spend his time with him. But then at 5pm later that day he dumped them on me because he went to the pub to watch the match! Now dd is not stupid and she pointed this out so she aware but it is upsetting.

Some useful links here ladies:

how to tell if they are changing their abusive behaviour

warning signs of abusive behaviour

children and domestic abuse

how to cope after separating from your abuser

DV myths and facts and further info

why couples counselling does NOT work in abusive relationships

Excerpt from the Lundy Bancroft book about abusive men and the way they confuse love and abuse

also from the book, a very useful excerpt about Traumatic Bonding

more Lundy Bancroft on this forum, relating to the abuser and custody/visitation issues

Thank-you madameovary, I look forward to viewing those links!

H isn't mad at me anymore,(for saying that I wanted to take the kids skiing..) so now it's a good day, but now I'm wondering if he's still planning to leave??

One of these days,... I WILL make him leave, or make plans myself to leave. I will start to prepare with things that I need to do! And I will be pretty proud of myself then!

mamas12 Here is something to say...

"Irreconcilable Differences" people cannot really respond to that, they will feel like they are prying.. try it, and hopefully it will work. And when you do say it, raise your eyebrow, daring them to question it.

It has a sort of 'case closed' sound to it, yet no openings for questions.!! It will leave them wondering.

Madameovary thanks so much for the links. The page on Reactive Abuse hit a particular note for me and actually made me cry, having been blamed, accused of being the abuser everytime I as much as raised my voice. Sad thing is I really believed this eventually and actually became scared of myself! I remember throwing a pile of towels at my ex once after a viscious verbal assault by him, he was screaming in my face, had backed me up against the wall, all the usual names, c*t etc, when I burst into tears and threw the pile of towels in my arms at him. He promptly started screaming, feigning hurt and ran up to the kids telling them that I had just hurt him, how their Mum was mad and crazy...

Mamas12, I read your thread on Social phobia and totally identify. I think the problem though is without doubt low self esteem which at times borders on SP but looks like you've identified that. I'm hoping that the counselling will help me rid this problem and live the life I know I deserve.

This thread is helping so much and I hope it continues for a long time to come.

itsgottogetbetter... WOW, My H. accusses me of being verbally abusive when I stand up for myself too, or get angry at what he says or does to me!

My H. called the police on me one time b/c he feared for his life, all I did was slam a door needless to say the police basically put him in his place, and the female gave me her card and told me to call her anytime I needed her.

I can't wait to look up the links from madamovary, as it's still daytime here, and running around lots, I will look them up this evening

Isn't it bazarre how similar they all behave, it's almost like they took lessons on it, and passed with flying colours!

Do you know, I feel like I want to 'out' him so to speak but 1. no-one will really believe the things he subjected me to and 2. what's the point he will deny it all and call me mad again.