Emotional Abuse - can we talk abou t it and what it entails?

[Janos]

If we already have a thread on this then I apologise for bringing it all up again. Perhaps someone can let me know and if so I'll let the thread die quietly!

I just thought it would be helpful to talk about it, and what constitutes it so people who are in an emotionally abusive relationship could recognise what is going on as it can be so insidious and nasty, and more difficult to identify.

This is not for one moment to denigrate or draw attention away from physical or sexual abuse btw.

These absolute psychos you are describing should be locked up. It sounds like you are mental health workers living on site. You need professional training in this role which you need to look into, perhaps some good 'instruction manuals' are available online or from the library?

It's no doubt you'll lose your own sanity if this is what you are putting up with. I knew of a woman who was divorced and lost her home and dc on the basis her husband had compiled a dossier of her behaviour over an 18 month period. She is still raw about it to this day.(Her husband still lives in her former home)

I suggest you all compile your own dossiers which can be used as evidence if you do get the strength to do something about your lives. You only have one life fgs, don't waste it. Don't stay with a psycho unless you are properly trained to defend yourself and can cope.

What you are putting up with is worst than physical abuse. Torture victims give in on pyschological abuse more often than physical, I'd say your experiences are akin to torture victim experiences. Please don't suffer alone. I expect many of us reading these posts wish we could do more for you all.

re exH
ditto hangdog expression or even worse sucking lemons.

Witholding sex and affection for many years

Refusing point blank to talk when challenged about behaviour

Continually saying 'what is wrong with you'

and more

I am still struggling with the idea that he was emotionallly abusing

Yes sincity but once you realise that you have in fact been emotionally abused even if you didn't understand what was going on at the time and felt you were partly responsible for all the crap, it makes you free to lead a far happier life.

I too was shown no affection by my ex beyond the honeymoon phase - when we passed in the hall he'd shrink away from me to avoid us touching and even wiped his mouth after he kissed me (or rather after I kissed him). I'm ashamed that I ever got involved with him.

hopefullandfree what you wrote in you post was spot on - I hope you don't mind but I am going to rewrite it here so everyone can see how accurate it is when describing EA men:

emotionally abusive

sexually abusive

verbally abusive

financially secretive and irresponsible

invades my privacy

insecure and needy

extremeley reckless driver

addicted to the internet

sucks up to people

is two faced

will exploit people for his own gain

exageraes and lies

attention seeker

enjoys pity partys

constantly demanded affection

bad relationship with his mother who hes terrified of

calls me names behind my back

enjoys upsetting me

takes from others what he lacks himself

is tight with money

is a hoarder

is sexually derogatory about women in general

is a sneak and a snide

jealous of the kids

and he doesnt have a clue who he is

he needs someone to tell him who to be.

I keep thinking that H isn't as bad as most of those on here. After all he only fits 20 of those 26 points listed

Still waiting for book to arrive.

My book arrived today
And I got a fab haircut.
My ex went on about toilet stuff too - still does!
"I'm going for a cack"
"I'm just going for a poo"
"I've had a bad stomach"
"I've had diarrhoea"
"I've got a sore bum"

You know, when I write it down, when I think of his whinging, his neediness, his refusal to consider anyone else's needs but his own, his game playing, his immaturity...

He used to insist on me leaving the toilet door open, which I didnt mind at the time because the BF before him had been completely anally retentive and in comparison he was much better.

Says SO much about my standards

I will be SOOOO much more clued up about what to look for and what to avoid in the future.

Did anyone elses threaten suicide and pretend to cry to dominate and get their own way ?
Or was mine more disturbed than most?

He also demanded a ridiculous amount of space in the house, ie, he insisted on having a 6 foot pc desk in our sitting room, there wasnt room, .He also claimed several kitchen cupboards to hoard his crap in and every flat surface was covered in paperwork, none of it to be moved .

Totally irrelevant but he also spent hours in the bathroom with the squirts due to the enormous amounts of food he consumed , seemed incapable of wiping his own arse judging by his underwear , and was overweight, stank, bad breath, horrific foot odour and terrible premature ejaculation ,, the latter being my fault as usual.On occasion he has got so drunk he has fallen asleep in his food .

Hes applied for dozens of credit cards behind my back, along with loans, where as i have had no access to money whatsoever, having to ask daily for the dcs lunch money.

Always commented that he was dead good looking even though hes 5 stone overweight, balding and very short.I am petite and slim and never short of offers yet he always made jokes about my apearance and called me fat.

When we first met , we were kissing on the sofa and he actually came in his pants.Not a good sign.
Am bitching but dont care ,is therapeutic !
Have gone from a extremeley good income / lifestyle to living on benefits, will be moving out of my loveley home but i dont give a toss.
Hes a nasty little prick and i wouldnt go back to that for anything.

hopeful, suicide threats are soooo common.
Mine did this, I actually had to call the police and get him taken away one time.

He accused me of not being "with him" on so many occassions and guess what...whatever I did wasn't enough.

I am starting to really feel it now, that glorious feeling of being soooo well out of it, and its thanks to you brave wonderful women sharing your stories.

Good for you madamovary, bet you look fab.
Lol at " ive got a sore bum ". Mine always had a sore bum as he was always sat on it and was very overweight.
He would regularly apply cream to it which was done by bending over and spreading his cheeks saying " is it all done? ".

He would then expect sex after id been forced to look at his disgusting butthole !

hopefull - that is so
I really hope you are with someone who treats you with love and respect. I certainly wont settle for anyone else, in fact I would be rather be alone for the rest of my life than tolerate another loser!

I wish we could all meet up in RL (preferably in some 5 star posh hotel ) on a regular basis and support each other.
It does make you sick when you realise, fluxy3, but that's often the first step to realising things have to change, and whatever happens next or however it takes you to get to the next step and/or eventually leave, that first step can never be undone.

Ladies this thread makes me sad and happy in equal measure - and I hope those still stuck with their EA partners can get the strenght from here to get out!
I am finally divorcing mine after 10 years and being seperated for 2 and a half and he is still so very EA if not worse so - last night he did the calling me the mad, loon, ranting one because I was so angry at him after he let our DD1 down again, ruined her evening and made her cry because he threatened my new DP because he was supposed to be babysitting DD2 Poor DD1 was so worried that her dad was going to "beat the crap" out of DP - she's 7 BTW

But to give you hope you camn get away and eeven with all this crap life is so much better, no worry anxiety my self confidence is finally coming back and I would like to share with you that there are some wonderful men out there!

My DP is fab, compliments me cant do enough for me, love my DD's takes time with them, helped me clear up after dinner, ler me fall asleep on him and didnt wake me up even though he couldnt reach the remote control and had to wtach crap TV

And after all that and taking abuse of XH he sends me this emssage today
"love you xxx hope you're having a nice afternoon thanks for a lovely time at lunch xxx just doing a little shopping would you like anything?xxx "
(he works away comes to see me every time he is off, stays in hotel because of XH and treats me , I am in work all day and snuck out to meet him for lunch)
He later texted to say he had got me something to make me smile

I just wanted to inject some hope and happiness and positivity into this thread - be strong ladies there is a way out no matter how long it takes !!

I haven't felt brave enough to post up until now. Have been left after 16 years of EA with such chronically low self-esteem that even doing something as simple as posting here is difficult. This thread has been a life saver for me. A week ago after yet another particularly nasty incident, I could not have felt more alone, isolated and broken, unsure of where, how, I was going to find the strength to once again pick myself up and move forward. But by finding this thread, following it daily and reading what you all have been through, how some of you are mending, putting your lives back together, has given me the hope and strength that I WILL one day find me again, live the life that I know my children and I deserve.

I'm finally divorcing him but it still takes such strength and resolve to not get drawn in, let him see my vulnerability. That sinking feeling in my stomach when I listen to his vile abusive messages, pulling every bit of me apart, who I am as a mother, person, friend. That doubt, insecurity that he so easily instills in me, the belief that maybe he is right... it is all me, I am crazy, mad, unstable, damaged.

I guess I was easy prey, depressingly text book case, had a very abusive childhood and just replaced one abuser for another, but no more... This week I started the process for counselling, something I know that I should have done years ago, and I am only so sorry that my children have had to live my life with me.

Thank you, all of you, for sharing your experiences.

itsgottogetbetter it will one day at a time good on you for getting help

hopefullandfree I did exerience the whole suicide threat as well... not the crying mind you..nor the victim part but the violent threats.. He threatened me many times to kill me. The very last time he threatened to kill himself, and our children as well,... Yes, I know I should have left right then and there, but he was all talk. I told him that it was illegal to utter threats like that and he could go to jail, and the next time he did I would call the police 'on him'.. He has since stopped, and it was quite a few years ago now. He's also threatened to take my children and move far away to Asia and I would never see them again, if I were to leave. Hmmm.... maybe that's why I've stayed for so long, and waiting for him to leave??? Subconsciously??? He does have the sources to move to Asia. Do I think he would really do that? No.... but I am still here.... Like I mentioned earlier, good days & bad days. We're on okay days right now..

It'sgottogetbetter, it's true, textbook case, it's a vicious cycle, unfortunately... I really hope that all of our sharing will help eachother, and some of us that really need help, and even just posting is such a great thing. It helps me to feel not so alone in this.. because sometimes, there's just only so much you can confide in to friends, before they start thinking you're 'crazy'...

Good for you for divorcing him!!!

Hello,

I think I might need to talk on this thread ...

I've seen it quite a few times but never wanted to put my (albeit hidden) name to it because thats sort of an admition something is wrong ...

My husband is the sweetest most loving, kindest, generous man there is ... sometimes.

He suffers from depression himself.

When he is not being my loving husband he is someting else, someone else.

I hope you all don't hate me because I love him so much and don't want to leave him but sometimes he hurts me so much.

I hurt him too.

He tells me I could not cope without him, I couldn't handle the children alone. He asks me what I would do without him.

And the name calling...

He calls me a retard,
thick,

theres something 'menatlly wrong with me'

He says horrible things, in a joking way though... the other night he said something to me that sent shivers down my spine, I cried for a long time, he aplologised. I don't know how he could think saying something like that could be a 'joke' ?!

Does it sound like I belong here?

Hello incoggneato, sounds like you are having a tough time trying to process what is happening. Sad thing is, no-one belongs on this thread because not one of us deserves to be treated this way.
We belong at the centre of our own lives, happy and free to make our own decisions without the shadow of abuse hanging over us.
Whether he has depression or not is no excuse for verbal abuse and calling you a retard is inexcusable. That is not loving behaviour. That unpleasant feeling in your belly is your gut instinct- listen to it because you know his behaviour is wrong.
You have been really brave in taking the steps to post on here. Good for you. .

sincitylover, I identify with everything you mention - the hangdog expression is ever present. Even after 5 days away with work, he's come back in a foul mood and has already gone off to do more work after a quick bite to eat here.

He withholds any affection, almost recoils if I go to hug him. He says my hands are rough if I try and hold his hand, won't kiss me goodnight unless asked and then is grudging. When I asked him about it once, he said he just "didn't feel like being affectionate" towards me.

His most animated conversations are about his bowel movements. (He is very senior in his job and not lacking in intelligence.) He thinks it acceptable to belch and fart at the dinner table (with dc's present) despite knowing I find it repulsive behaviour.

Today I told him I'd lost some weight (I've been talking about it for a while but have finally decided to get rid of the last stone of baby weight). He just looked me up and down in a sneery way, there was no praise or encouragement.

He hasn't asked how my week has been, or how I am. A black cloud came home with him and I instantly stopped feeling relaxed. Have booked a counselling appointment (alone) next week to talk things through.

I struggle with thinking of it as EA too, because he doesn't do the more obvious things such as name calling, or major arguments. The way he's making me feel isn't right though. I'm taking such strength from others on this thread. Please keep posting everyone.

Big hug to all who needs it!

He's gone!
Sadly he'sleft in avery half hearted way, telling me he'llbe back lots, but it's a start.

I'm trying to take a standon thefinancialabuseside,but it's hard,the way hegoeson at me(and on and on)

Iremember 1time he said some horrible things to me. When I said it was wrong, he told me people like me needed to be spoken to like that.

Today he complained how long I took in the shower, that I didn't organise my day properly because I said I was going to sit down and relax while the baby slept,notrush out cos he said so. He doesn't want to doanything I ask, but I must jump to it with everything he wants.

What is horrible is dreading telling him I haven't done something he thinks I should have done, or not being able to list the amounts and dates of all direct debits when he demands it.. he is so nasty over simple things,I feellike I amon trial

The book arrived yesterday. I had a couple of hours to start reading it before he got out of bed. (I never expect to see him before midday at weekends, but usually I'm running around doing the housework, not sitting reading a book). Two things struck me while reading it: 1) what he does is abuse. I don't think I ever actually believed it before. 2) I don't need to make him understand that. I was reading it thinking that some of what he does so blatently fits that I could point out those things to him, how it makes me feel, and then tell him I'm leaving. But then he'd just try to defend himself, say it hadn't happened that way, that he never meant for me to feel like that (I know this, because we've had this conversation before - and he's promised to change, as long as I forget what he's done and start afresh).

What if I just saying 'this is working, I'm leaving'. Then what defence can he try and give? Actually I planned to ask him whether HE thinks we have a good enough relationship - or any relationship at all - at the moment. He can't possibly say yes, we've not even had sex for over 9 months. So it was all planned. I was even going to start the conversation this morning, but he swapped plans so often during the weekend (he was going to be here all weekend, then out all day sunday, then ended up here all weekend - odd behaviour: he encouraged me to arrange to be out all day because he was going out too, but when my plans fell through, mysteriously his did too; I have a very suspicious mind at the moment) I got completely muddled and decided not to say anything immediately. He's been really nice all weekend too. He even cleaned the shower this morning.

I wonder if we can be friends afterwards? When he's not trying to control me, we can have a really fun time together.