I slapped the ow last night and i feel soooo much better!

[ambercat]

thats it really, feel like i have closure now!!

"someone who lost control and has said she won't do it again"

Again something you hear time and again as an excuse by and for violent men.

I don't want to make the OP feel bad, I just want to address this attitude because I think it's terrible. If violent men get the short shrift they do on here (and rightly so), but we say about a woman that it's OK to lose it if provoked, what the hell are we saying about women? It sounds suspiciously to me as if we're saying men are grown-up and responsible and should know better, whereas women are irrational tempestuous creatures driven by their emotions and can't be expected to control themselves. Not an attitude that stands women in very good stead in the equal rights stakes.

well done to the op

Simplysally, even if the ops h has a whole string of affairs and she gives each of them a single slap I don't think you could really list that as being habitually violent can you? Unless he has enough affairs for her to slap someone new most nights of the week of course, but then I get the impression she wouldn't dtick around that long.

ho hum, we are all entitled to our own opinions. I was slapped and punched by my twating X's OW - silly silly silly situation.

Genuinely, I empathise with OP. Terrible situation for you and your family.

I wouldn't suggest doing it again.

What was your DH's reaction to you doing this?

MayorQuimby, a man hitting a man is not award winning behaviour but it is different to a man hitting a woman.

Also, for a man to hit the man he'd just discovered had been shagging his wife, I mgith think 'ah'. I'd cut him some slack. I would say 'cool your jets buddy, I don't want you to end up in jail'. But I wouldn't write him off as a violent man for hitting the man who he'd just discovered was shagging his wife.

We're all human and we know these things are wrong, but sometimes, just sometimes, when there's no moral court, we can't control ourselves. I say we, I don't mean ME. I just mean generally.

Somebody can steal your car and be punished, but they can trample over your heart and destroy your self-esteem, on a whim! and there's no 'punishment'. That was what I struggled with ten yrs ago on the one occassion I was badly hurt. I still think I should have crept in one night and imacced off all his hair!

I really don't accept that argument at all king canute. There are women out there right now violently abusing their partners and doing very serious harm. I'm a woman and I don't doubt that I have the ability to commit both ABH and GBH - it doesn't take much, especially as we all have plenty of objects to hand like knives, tools and furniture. It's ridiculous to suggest that a little woman can't really do any harm. (I'm not saying the OP did do a lot of damage, just that a woman definitely could)

Now we are getting into ifs, buts and maybes. All we can comment on is what actually happened.

Men who say that sort of thing usually have a history of behaviour behind it muffle. If it is a repeated pattern of behaviour then I would agree with you 100%. Only the OP knows the answer to that one.

Again, biologically speaking men are usually far bigger and stronger than a woman and therefore able to do far more damage - if we are talking about a slap.

That doesn't make it right for a man to hit a woman or otherwise.

""why should the attacker sex come into it if the force of the attack is exactly the same?"

Well that is a whole other issue, isn't it? If a man attacks a woman then there is a lot more strength and force behind and it he could easily do a lot more damage.

It is all about context and situation. We are not talking about someone who is habitually violent or an abuser but a one off situation with someone who lost control and has said she won't do it again.
"

which is why i was very specific. the scenario would be exactly the same. exact same force in the attack, and a one off snap from a normally non-violent person.

"Same to MayorQuimby, if the persons sex is not important, what exactly is your point? The reason the Female, Female/ Male, Male thing is important is because of the ability to do do real harm. "

my point was to question those who were saying that the op's attack was acceptable (a few even saying well done) would they be congratulating a man who did the same. and the point regarding the ability to do damage was why i was very specific about the level of force being exactly the same, would the same people be telling the man, "yes what you did was wrong, but it's understandable why you did it,forget about iot and move on"
and i sincerely doubt they would, they'd rightly tear into him which is exactly what they should be doing to her.
as for the ability to do damage, for all we know the op could have 3 stone and and one foot on the ow so the potential for damage could be very real. equally a man hitting a woman could be weak and 8 stone soaking wet.

I'd give any ow a good hiding as well as dp if he dared to cheat on me.

Hmm...this is gearing up to be a real MN show stopper.

And yet we advocate zero tolerance for male violence and walking away from it immediately. It is widely deplored that so many women stick around so long - 35 attacks is the oft-quoted figure - to see if he'll make a habit of it.

Again I'm not accusing the OP of being a persistent abuser - I don't think she is (though of course I can't know). It's the attitude of some posters that "it's OK because the OW deserved it" and "it's more OK than a man hitting a woman" that have me worried.

ok, so its not right, its illegal, it was out of order, blah blah blah

BUT
I would have done the same thing.

... and I'm sure a few others would have too.

"my point was to question those who were saying that the op's attack was acceptable "

You would be better off questioning those who suggested she slap her husband instead since that is closer to your scenario.

The key words are 'says she won't do it again'.

I'm not saying that the OP will do it again but aren't these words or similar written on so many threads about abusive partners on here? Where it is judged unacceptable for that excuse to be accepted, so why is it acceptable in this case?

.

MQ, being specific about the level of force means nothing, if you are talking aobut someone snapping then the fact that they have the ability to do more harm than another person. If they had snapped you could not be sure it would be the same force - and neither can though. It is a null argument, sorry!

Muffle, fair enough.

I just take exception to the op being branded as a violent person, using the same lines as a wife beating man and all the rest of the sanctamonious crap. This situation is not the same and everyone here knows it. It is simply ivory tower syndrome (also called holier than thou disease) and it is out of order.

Simplysally, becaue on those threads the op and their dc LIVE WITH THE PERSON saying the words. I am pretty certain the op is not going to move in with the OW and try to conduct a relationship is she? It is so far removed from this that the link is laughable at best!

Once more and then I am going as I have things to do! Not right, but understand why it might have happened.

That is not the same as saying it's OK.

a woman hit by a woman still has the right to press charges of course, but morally, or ethically and physically it is a more level playing field.

If the victim of the slap knows in her heart that she 'wronged' first, then if she goes ahead and presses charges against the woman whose husband she slept with, then imo she is not a great human being even though she has the law behind her.

"MQ, being specific about the level of force means nothing, if you are talking aobut someone snapping then the fact that they have the ability to do more harm than another person. If they had snapped you could not be sure it would be the same force - and neither can though. It is a null argument, sorry!"

well no since we are talking after both incidents have happened and how mn posters would react we can be quite sure. if we were talking before an incident and someone was asking wether or not they should do it then your argument about not being able to control the force would be valid. as it is i have presented 2 scenarios, both have hypothetically already occurred. both attackers have slapped a woman, thrown a drink over a woman, and used the exact same force in doing so. one attacker is male one is female, and they are now as it were presenting their cases to the jury that is mn. are they both being treated equally, or is one bieng judged differently due to their gender?that was all i am asking of the posters who have said this woman was in some way right or justified in doing so?

yes, I used to LIVE with a man who was abusive (mostly verbally, but also physically).

That is entirely different as it is a situation perpetuated by dependence, fear, being trapped, social stigma of being honest etc etc etc,,,, it's just a totally different ball game.

I've been hit by a man for no reason at all many times.

If I was slapped by a woman whose husband I'd slept with I'd have the decency to think "fair cop".

I wouldn't do that mind you. I just wouldn't.

MayorQuimby, you're splitting split hairs here.

Obviously there could be a situation where a 6.4" man is cheated on and he goes and finds the 5.6" bastard and gives him a whack.

But we're talking about fundamentally decent people here who are in a state of great emotional distress. I think even a cheated on man would hesitate to whack somebody MUCH, MUCH smaller than he was. But you're being pedandic.

Most men are about five foot ten arent they, so the chances ARE that there'd be an inch or two difference intheir heights.

btw , I'm small, in height and not at all 'big' and if I slep with the husband of a woman who was twice the size of me, I dont' think it would make much difference in a quick slap. also, I'd still think, fair cop.

I completely agree with what By MrsLemon said today at 09:04:00. I've had it happen to me and even 4 years down the line I STILL get the urge to give the OW a smack and I've never hit anyone in my life. I remained dignified the whole time everything went on I'd like to think but she has remained smug and therefore maybe one day I might crack too like the OP.

PMSL @ supercilious is the new black. How true.
Its easy to take the moral highground and to judge ambercat but its not as if she just hit a random person over something trivial. This is the woman who purposefully set out to destroy her family fgs. She deserved it.
I would do the same, in fact the only reason I didn't when it happened to me is that I was 7 months pregnant at the time. With hindsight I wish I had smacked her. Although I didn't have to in the end, he stayed with her and 5 years later shagged someone else behind her back and left her. Karma is a great thing!!!

So, those saying that the op should be charged with asalt, visited by the police etc, would you be saying the same if she had said she'd slapped her dh over this affair? Somehow I don't think so.

The dh was in the wrong for having the affair but a woman who knowingly sleeps with a married man also carries a portion of the blame.

I'm not saying that it's right to go round slapping other people, and I would hope that in the same circs I could be the bigger person and walk away.

But I can see why someone might be driven to do it.

And I can see why, if they've been put through hell by their husband and the ow for months on end that they might feel a bit better for having done it.

We are all human beings, and we have all said/done things in the heat of the moment which in retrospect were perhaps not such a good idea.

And comparing this to DV is ridiculous. It is nothing like it.
It was simply one woman driven by another woman's disgusting immoral behaviour to lash out ONCE on the spur of the moment.
One slap is NOT the same as months/years of constant abuse and violence within a family and to compare the two is just patronising to the real victims of DV.