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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I slapped the ow last night and i feel soooo much better!

552 replies

ambercat · 15/03/2009 22:48

thats it really, feel like i have closure now!!

OP posts:
Janos · 16/03/2009 10:00

mayorquinby - but wouldn't the equivalent situation (with sexes reversed) be a man punching/slapping/hitting another man?

To answer your question - no it would be wrong but sometimes people do snap and act out of character. It happens. It's all about situation and context.

Janos · 16/03/2009 10:01

Sorry, mayorquimby not mayorquinby!

SoupDragon · 16/03/2009 10:03

mayorquimby, if the wronged man had slapped the Other Man then yes, I'm sure the reaction would be the same. The scenario you describe is not eh same as the OP at all. Your scenario is more appropriately applied to the ones who say she should have slapped her husband.

HappyWoman · 16/03/2009 10:03

of course violence is not good but then neither is knowingly causing pain to someone who does not deserve it.
We all know we could get a slap in the face if we fuck with someones husband so big deal dont do it and if you do expect it.

And yeah it is as much the mans fault but again we dont live in an equal world - accept it and stop bleating about it.

I think all woman know that if they are the ow then most people will see them as the evil bitch, just as some small minded people still think that the man who strays must be 'missing' something at home.

Ambercat - dont feel bad that you lost it - you have impulse to justify it - better than being calulating and knowing you are hurting her.

ladylush · 16/03/2009 10:04

Let me tell you I fantasised/dreamt of many a revenge scenario.................throwing drinks, slapping her and him in front of their colleagues, storming into his work place and making an annoucement, sending her maggots through the post. Of course they all remained a fantasy......but had I thrown a drink at her maybe I'd have felt less violated, less bitter. I don't know tbh.

HappyWoman · 16/03/2009 10:09

My h fully expected a punch from the husband of his mistress.

He never got it and he still believes it was because her h never really had that much passion for his marriage and hence it made him justify the affair to himself even more.. Poor ow she didnt even have her knight in shining armour to declare his love for her and defend her.

I never did resort to violence but i made sure both ow and her h knew of my anger and i did make some threats.

I sometimes wonder if it would have been better to just have gone and had a huge bust up at her work - either verbal or violent, i think i would have got closure a lot quicker and maybe saved a few pennies on counselling.

KerryMumbles · 16/03/2009 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

compo · 16/03/2009 10:10

my best mate was dumped by her partner of 3 years
he insisted there was no other woman
she was sure it was a colleague at work
she saw them snogging in pizza hut
she marched staright in and tipped his dinner all over him (luckily it was spag bol)
she felt great!

HappyWoman · 16/03/2009 10:15

exactly lush - it leaves you wondering what would have been the best thing to do.

I certainly was not scared of ow - but i have to say i did not feel up to making a scene at the time (felt like absolute shit and could hardly get off the floor). But as that anger rose in my there were times when i wish i could have met her in a bar with a drink in hand.

And sometimes i think i am still waiting for information that her life has all gone horribly wrong - dont think that feeling will ever go tbh. And before you all call me a bitter twisted woman - it is not all the time but sometimes when her name is mentioned i do get a fleeting thought.
I am sure i would not really feel very much which is the healthest way - but who knows.

OnlyWantsOne · 16/03/2009 10:17

Can I just agree with Kerry and the others and say well done to Amber.

sneaks away

HappyWoman · 16/03/2009 10:17

We once had maggots in our bathroom , maybe that was her h or maybe i have been mistaken for Lush's ow.
No good having revenge if the recipient doesnt even know.

HappyWoman · 16/03/2009 10:18

dont sneak away - i think there is not enough sisterhood around anymore.

SoWhat · 16/03/2009 10:20

Good for you ambercat!

RubyRioja · 16/03/2009 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mayorquimby · 16/03/2009 10:22

"mayorquinby - but wouldn't the equivalent situation (with sexes reversed) be a man punching/slapping/hitting another man?"

well no because the victim is the same and the crime is the same (a slap of exactly the same force to a woman).why should the attacker sex come into it if the force of the attack is exactly the same?
btw i think all of the scenarios would be unacceptable, i just find that sometimes on this forum violence is excused by some when it suits their position on a subject and lambasted by the same people when it suits them.

OnlyWantsOne · 16/03/2009 10:22

I have experienced what an affair can do, the damage, the heart ache and the pain. If I ever meet my own father's OW I'd give her a right whack.

Lol, her best comment to me (over phone) whilst the affair was in midstflow)

"oh, don't be like that, I had such nice expectations that we could be friends"

Lemontart · 16/03/2009 10:22

ladylush

I always type too much

HappyWoman · 16/03/2009 10:28

violence is not right - but it happens.

Affairs are not right - but they happen.

We are all human - if we can somehow forgive affairs (and i am one who is trying), then surely we can forgive the one outbust.

Ambercat is not a violent person (i hope), she has just had a one-off outbust.

She should not be punished for that, no more than the one-off sex with a married person.

She has got it out of her system now (again i hope). And that should be the end of it.

JaneSeymour · 16/03/2009 10:33

This situation is a bit of a grey area I think.

Think of it like this: a person has got something that a few people want, or might want.

They offer it to one person, that person is dead pleased, says yes please - and the person agrees they can have it, no holds barred. the deal is done.

The same person then offers that object to someone else, despite the fact it's already been given to the first recipient.

The second recipient accepts and takes the item. now this person knows it actually belongs to the first recipient - so in theory they ought to say no. It all depends whether you think the offerer has still got the rights to the object despite having given it to someone before.

I think that is why it's hard to judge. You could say the OW is accepting stolen goods, although she is not the one doing the stealing. You can be charged with this in a property situation but not in an emotional one.

There again, you could argue that the offerer is not taking back the same thing he originally gave away, in order to re-offer it, but actually offering another item the same as the initial one. It does however detract from the initial thing, obviously - the first recipient loses out big time.

Accepting stolen goods is a lousy thing to do, but stealing them in the first place is less moral still.

So. Does a husband have the right to his love once he has chosen to give it to his wife? Can he then ask for it back?

I wish I knew the answer to that.

muffle · 16/03/2009 10:37

"Ambercat is not a violent person (i hope), she has just had a one-off outbust"

But we all know that this is exactly the kind of excuse that is simply unacceptable and wrong when a man hits a woman. Wrong is wrong is wrong. I do have some empathy with the OP and don't think I have given her a really hard time - but trying to justify the hitting by what the OW did and saying that it was sufficient provocation for an outburst is really dodgy. If that's what you think, is it any different when a man hits his female partner?

Janos · 16/03/2009 10:41

"why should the attacker sex come into it if the force of the attack is exactly the same?"

Well that is a whole other issue, isn't it? If a man attacks a woman then there is a lot more strength and force behind and it he could easily do a lot more damage.

It is all about context and situation. We are not talking about someone who is habitually violent or an abuser but a one off situation with someone who lost control and has said she won't do it again.

Again, violence is wrong but I think not that many people are saying 'hey, great!'. A lot of people are saying, no, not good, you shouldn't have done it, but can understand why it happened.

MargotBeauregarde · 16/03/2009 10:41

kerrymumbles, you're not the only one. I'd take the risk and give her a slap. afterall, would she have the nerve to go to the police and say 'the woman whose husband I was shagging slapped me'. And, would the police put their murder investigations on hold to go and hunt the op down?!

Not great behaviour I do realise that btw. But come on.

Now OP, lose the husband!

Desi, you're right, supercilious is definitely the new blac.

mankymummy · 16/03/2009 10:42

how come no-one has asked what the OW did after the slap and the wine shower?

tell us what happened !!!!

Simplysally · 16/03/2009 10:43

"It is all about context and situation. We are not talking about someone who is habitually violent or an abuser but a one off situation with someone who lost control and has said she won't do it again."

Supposing Ambercat's DH has another affair?

Start of a slippery slope.

KingCanuteIAm · 16/03/2009 10:44

Muffle, yes because a man, usually being bigger and stronger, stands a decent chance of doing serious damage to a woman. If you are big enough that you could really hurt a person by letting go then an extra level of control is required.

Same to MayorQuimby, if the persons sex is not important, what exactly is your point? The reason the Female, Female/ Male, Male thing is important is because of the ability to do do real harm.

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