I slapped the ow last night and i feel soooo much better!

[ambercat]

thats it really, feel like i have closure now!!

Yes, which is why it's called assault.

And once again, for the Nth time. I'm not saying wow, it was a great thing to do, well done (and so on).

I think that extreme stress or provocation can cause people to act extremely out of character and myabe that's what happened here and that while the action was wrong, from that point of view, I can understand why it happened.

I think all the ire on this thread has been provoked because said she was pleased she did it. If she was contrite and remorseful I expect she'd be getting a very different response.

We can all say that though, when we are feeling calm and collected and have time to think as we clatter our keyboards.

However in a different situation.....

I used to be quite into forensic psychology. Everybody is capable of killing, everybody has at least one situation where, if certain events collided, would prompt that person to kill.

You simply cannot say "I definitely would not", it's in our psychological make-up. However abhorrent it is to you, there will be one situation where you will react the opposite way to what you thought you would do.

poor op

Ladylush - the emphasis is (and should be) on the married person (who has made the vows) to stick to them if they want to.

The OW (unless she was also married) did not cheat on anyone.

Unless the OW forced - physically or emotionally - the husband to have sex with her, then NO, I don't think she's to blame.

She has to live with her actions and I know a lot of OW who deeply regret ever being OW, but no, I don't think guilt is one of the regrets.

Yes I have been cheated on Haribosmummy, many times. And of course I blame the man involved and not just the OW. I've never said men are weak little puppies who can't control themselves.
I would never sleep with a married man or a man in a relationship with dc for that matter. End of. And if more women thought that way rather than seeing a married man as a challenge / commitment free shag, which a lot of women do, then maybe the world would be a better place.
I just hate the way it seems socially acceptable these days that if your relationship isn't working, don't bother working it out just move on to the next one and start again, never mind the children or who gets hurt in the process.

How does the OW 'being out in my town' with her friends, constitute not 'keeping away'. Round here there aren't that many towns to being in - you'd struggle, if you wanted to visit night clubs or pubs etc, to keep out of them. I can see that her DH might be her territory but the whole town?

Rhubarb - you are right. I know I could act for my DS or my DSDs. I know I'm capable of standing up for them.

I don't think it's the slap which gets to me, to be honest.

It's the fact it's misguided and that the OP wishes to 'put' the OW in her place... As if to prove THE WIFE WON. Funny, cos I don't think her DH sounds like much of a prize. At all.

Rhubarb, that's totally different! If somebody attacks your kids or your loved ones then it's natural to defend them.

Not the same as slapping somebody before they've hit you.

Here's one for people who think this is comparable to DV.

Deliberately phrasing this to be as neutral as possible:-

If a spouse who has suffered years of abuse (physical and emotional) at the hands of their OH snaps and hits them, just once, are they as deserving of condemnation as the abuser?

Just something to think about.

and does it make a difference if i say yes she was there when we made the vows? She wasnt by the way but she KNEW we were married she KNEW we had children. She Knew we had problems before i did.

She wanted my h and sorry to say my h is one of those men lead by his dick (hopefully no longer though).

Once the scales fell from his eyes and he saw the affair for what it was he truely changed.
He is not proud of what he did but he blames her too. Until you have been put in the position you dont know what you would do - and this is not in his defence but he really did just want to have it all - and for a while she allowed him to (when i found out it stopped - i guess he respected me slightly more than her at that point at least).

Sorry to say men really do think differently to woman - he was gobsmacked when i pretty much told him word for word what she would say and do. He thought she was being a friend first, in my book friends dont try and break up your family.

If a male friend started telling me about his marriage problems i would not think 'hes a bit of alright i think i will sleep with him because i want to'. Even if i didnt know the wife she is a person i would not want to hurt.

So no she was not actually there (just like many other people) but she did know he was married, does it make a difference then to how many people actually witness the ceremony?

Op, I agree you would have had a better time if you had sounded contrite over the slap.

I still totally understand why you did it and have far more empathy for you than Haribo's OWs who do not feel that they have any responsibility to a wife and children of the man that they are bedding, and furthermore have no guilt about said affair

Of course the husband is largely to blame, of course he is the one who took the marriage vows, but I find women who seem to think any man is fair game, regardless of marital status beneath contempt. And to try and imply that the wife was in some way to blame....

Lush - do feel free to give details of the revenge stories at some time. If it amused your counsellor i am sure it will amuse me too.

happywoman if you believe that you are kidding yourself.

Haribo I totally disagree with you (apart from the first line of your post). I do feel that the OW/OM whatever shares responsibility for the infidelity and frankly am incredulous that you think they don't. I would feel horribly guilty if I slept with another woman's husband (and would've felt that way before my h's infidelity).

kerry, slapping somebody absolutely is assault.

I'm totally shocked that anybody could think otherwise.

Not as deserving of condemnation no, of course not. But it is still wrong to hit. I don't see what is hard about this.

"I am really amazed at all this talk of "assault". If she had taken a beer bottle, cracked it in half on the bar and shoved it in her face, that to me would be assault. A slap?"

A slap is assault Kerry, possibly battery depending on the force involved. A bottle in the face is GBH, possibly GBH with intent.

HW - you know it's funny but at the time it was happening I could only talk about it with the counsellor because I still worried that I would actually go ahead with it and that typing it would make it real. What a headfuck adultery is.

KM - Actually a slap is strictly speaking, a battery. An assault is the fear or expectation of being battered even if it doesn't occur (in rough lay terms before MN lawyers jump up and down at mangled wording).

Morris we are obviously on a wavelength, thankfully for my sanity as I was starting to think there is something wrong with me.

HappyWoman if you honestly think your husband is "led by his dick" then I feel sorry for you. You are infantilising him by suggesting that his behaviour is out of his control in this way.

Happy, it sounds to me that the happiness of your marriage rests upon your DH never meeting anybody who wants to shag him.

The trust has to between you and him, not between you and the sisterhood.

KM.

haven't read the whole thread, but I would have probably done exactly the same as the OP. Until you find yourself in this situation don't judge others too quickly.