Just don't know how to move forward now.

[mpuddleduck]

I think I need a fairy godmother to tell me what to do now.
Dh and I haven't been close for ages now, I posted last week when he "exploded" and I ended up taking the children out of their beds in the middle of the night and sleeping in the car with them.
It has taken a week, but he wants to reform, says he loves me etc etc,part of me thinks if he is willing to try and change I should try and help him, trouble is I don't know if I can just forget what happened.
I just keep feeling sick when I think about what he did to me, if it wasn't for the children I think I would be a long way away by now.

Fairy godmother here

Kick him in the cock

Only kidding hun i don't know what to say to you atm am feeling a bit fragile but am bumping this for you in the hope that someone sensible will come along xx

I didn't see your thread last week - do you still share a home with him, or has he moved out? If he was in any way violent, he does not get back in, ever.

I don't believe i have read your thread either ... i hope you are flower

Staying up to check batted out the way by

stercusaccidit,If only it were that easy, thank you.
Olkn, yes he was violent and yes we are still sharing a home,I had nowhere else to take the children, although Iam still sleeping in dd's bed.

I don't believe i have read your thread either ... i hope you are flower

Staying up to check batted out the way by that you are ok ......

I remember your thread and I was shocked by his aggression and his threats to kill you so I really think you shouldn't be allowing this man the benefit of the doubt

I'm sorry I don't really have any experience of your situation but I have looked at your original thread about your situation and having read it through I think you should get in touch with womans aid again as they will help you.

For those who haven't read the original thread here is the link

"I think I need a fairy godmother to tell me what to do now."

Many a fairy godmother told you what to do last week and you're only going to get the same answer now.
Yes, he's asking for a second chance, but only to do it again

Did you speak to Women's Aid? You are badly (if understandably) in denial about how you 'caused' the previous attacks to happen.

How on earth could you just 'forget' what happened last week? That doesn't sound like him wanting to reform; wanting to reform would sound like:

• seeking help from the GP
• agreeing to counselling both alone and as a couple if you want it
• promising not to drink (at all, frankly, never mind to excess)
• accepting that he has a major anger issue that is not your fault

His version of wanting to reform sounds like you and he never speaking again about what happened. That's not reforming, that's him winning.

Women's Aid can help you, even if you decide not to leave. And as with the victim of any violent assault, you should probably talk to your GP and seek some counselling to comes to terms with what happened.

A grave crime has been committed in your home, and it wasn't by you.

mpuddleduck,

I don't think you spoke to WA did you - you need to be brave and make that call.

Your children will become badly affected by what they see at home if you stay with this violent man if they are not already emotionally damaged. He has been violent towards you and now he's asking for another chance. Hah!.

What is really worrying as well is that "part of me thinks if he is willing to try and change I should try and help him". The short answer to that is NO. You are only responsible for your own self and by turn your children because they are feeling the effects of all this. You're still in your DDs bed; how have you explained that action away?. Children are very perceptive and they know what's going on. His actions are part of the abuse as well - act nice and acquiescent to victim so that she gets taken in again which will then give him the opportunity to be violent again.

A common mistake is staying within an abusive relationship for the sake of the children. All children learn from that is observing further how their parents behave in front of each other; they learn how to abuse.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents - what are you teaching them here?. That is NOT a legacy you want to leave for your children. And longer term as well they will not thank you for staying with such a brute; a man who if you were to stay will continue to terrorise you throughout your marriage. They will see you as weak and putting him before them. It will affect them in other ways too; they could themselves go onto choose violent people as partners.

Although denial is a powerful force you must get past the denial and deal with the realities of the situation towards you and your children. He is violent, will remain so and you're not the one to change him. You cannot change someone, only they can do that for themselves. And this man does not want to.

Ultimately YOU have a choice - your children have no say in whether you stay with him or not. I hope to God you all manage to escape him. Two women per week on average in this country too are killed at the hands of their partner - do not become such a statistic.

A young woman of my acquaintance gave birth by emergency Caesar recently, and is resting at her mum's house. Her BF hit her only days after the operation, and is blaming his mother for his actions, because she "allowed" him to see his father beat the crap out of her. Get him out now, for your own sake, for the sake of your children - and for the sake of your unborn grandchildren.

Did you manage to read these links which I placed in the last thread you posted?

You are in the classic abuse cycle which all abusers use to keep power and control.

You are most likely suffering from traumatic bonding which is a defence mechanism in your brain which helps you to survive terrible situations.

Please read these links. They will help you to make the difficult decision that you must make soon.

xxxxxx

Good to see you back mpuddleduck.

I remember your story simply because I was so shocked at how this man treated you.

ALL men who hit women want to change. They are SO sorry afterwards, crying, apologising etc etc. I don't know if your DH has done any of this? Maybe he only acts all sorry when he is convinced enough that you might leave him, it's his last resort to keep you. However, I don't think he will change.

You can change though. You can find a way to see thru his manipulation. It is clear from your other thread that he has got you believing it is your fault 100%, that you do not love him enough and he's also got you making excuses for his outrageous and very dangerous behaviour. He needs you because you are the only person who knows what he is really like, he can twist you around his finger because you love him. No woman should have to take her children out in the car to sleep to get away from a dangerous man. Please believe me when I say that was extremely shocking to read.

I also read somewhere that the average abused woman will take 25, yes 25 beatings before she leaves. That statistic alone tells you that these types of men do not change.

He will hit you again, whether it is in 1 month or 6 months, he will demand you collect him when he is pissed, he will lose the rag and he will be violent. It is what he does and you are his victim because he can rely on you to keep his sick actions a secret. He has now done this in front of the children What a bastard .

Put yourself and your children first. Call womens aid and have a chat with them, you won't be obliged to do anything but you will gradually see that support is going to be there for you at any moments notice. Please do it. No excuses, just lift the phone.

It is going to take you an awful lot of courage and hard work to undo how this man has moulded you. Your very brave first step was writing on here, keep it up because many, many women will know only too well, exactly what you are going through, especially when you are having doubts about how bad he is and when you feel sad because you love him and when you feel sorry for him. And I just need to say - this is a man who deserves NO sympathy. I'd lock him up and throw away the key for what he has done.

If you still want to consider your options with this relationship, fine. But consider them from a position of safety - ie. away from him, where he cannot 'explode' again and hurt you or your children. If he wants to get help, good. He should go and get it, stick at it and come back to discuss things when he has done all that hard work.

I think for me the telling coment is - if it werent for the children i would be a long way away now. So are you only staying for the children?
That is so unfair on them too - think how you would feel if you thought your h was only with you for the sake of the children?

I know that children do come into it and you cant just cut this man out of your life but only stay if it is good for you.

Of course you cant forget what happened and nor should you - but if you truely believe it was a one off and he too takes steps to ensure it never ever happens again then there is a chance - but forgetting it is not the answer. You will need to discuss and make a decision as to whether you can BOTH move forward from it.

Get out while you can.

If he's determined to reform, what steps has he taken so far? Who has he sought help from? Which professionals has he spoken to?

If he's done nothing, that tells you how keen he is to change.

You are all so kind, thank you for all your comments. I feel so pathetic, he didn't break any bones,(you hear stories so much worse than mine)which makes me feel Iam making a big fuss (I know you have all said differently but family and friends are different and may not be so supportive) and I'm so scared to say I want to leave,Iam going to look at the links now as dh in bed. I did send a message to the lady from WA but didnt talk to her. I think I need to pluck up the courage to do that.

Good Girl....keep posting

xxxx

mpuddleduck, your comment "he didn't break any bones" has really haunted me today. Would it be alright if someone attacked your children, or your mum, or your sister, as long as they didn't break any bones? Is he telling you it was okay as he didn't break any bones? It truly is not. And you know that, hard as it is.

Remember your original post? "It's always my fault". He has taught you that. I can understand how, in some ways, it's easier to cling to that belief as it means as long as you can behave 'as he wants' it won't happen again. It denies the terrifying reality that it isn't you, it's him, and that you may never ever be able to avoid another beating, whatever you do.

Please seek some help and support, even if you decide not to leave.

I don't have a fast enough connection for Iplayer unfortunately.
I told dh this afternoon that maybe it would be best if we both went our seperate ways in order to be happy. He talked about moving out but still being nearby until he got sorted. Then this evening he tried cuddling and kissing me telling me he loved me and asking me to return to our bed. I have said no,and he was a bit huffy, but has gone to bed. I feel like the big bad ogre pushing him away.

mpuddleduck - well done for messaging WA. All this takes guts and you sound like such a nice person. Brave of you to tell him that you feel going your separate ways might be for the best. You're not a big bad ogre, far from it!! You're being sensible and cautious. Jumping back into the marital bed might be a sign to him that he is forgiven and that his behaviour is somehow ok.

Also, a broken bone is not a sign of violence. If someone hits me on the face and I have no bruises and no marks, does that mean it is any less bad? No way! The fact is that person still would have lifted their hands and been violent to me. You are not making a fuss, be assured of that.

It is reassuring to have your updates, I guess I'd not be the only person on here to say that when you hear stories like this, you just really want to hear that the person is ok and is getting some help. These little steps that you are gradually taking are brilliant. Even though no one on here knows you, they will still think "I hope that lady is ok" and that just lets you know that you have support from total strangers as and when you need it - ok!!!

Sorry to keep on about this, but has anyone had any experience of knowing the right way forward, (as told to me by most posters on my threads) is to split up,(I think) but having a partner who says he isn't going to give up on you. As I have said before my main concern is to protect my children, so I want to keep things as civilised as possible.

They all say they're not going to give up on you. Some of them mean it more than others, some present it as "Because I love you soooooo much, babes" and others as "Because I own you, bitch" (and they can go from one to the other in the blink of an eye) but they all say it. It's part of the package. Some try the "I can't live without you, I'm going to throw myself under a train (but only after you and the DC are under it first)" line, too. Please, please contact WA, they have the skills and experience to help you get him out of the house, get a restraining order imposed or whatever. You can do this.

mpuddleduck - look on refuge.org web site (i don;t know how to add the link here, sorry)
there is a section on how to help someone who is a victim of domestic violence...it explains how and why you are feeling what you are...and why staying is often easier than leaving....

in my case, i read this and recognised my self, he loses his temper big time over the ironing, washing up etc etc, this morning it was the coats in the hall. so, the logic goes, if he loses it over such small things, what the hell is he going to be like if / when i leave?

so its easier to stay and hope things will get better.

read the how to help a victim section on the refuge site....and forgive yourself, its not your fault, you cant fix him.