Just don't know how to move forward now.

[mpuddleduck]

I think I need a fairy godmother to tell me what to do now.
Dh and I haven't been close for ages now, I posted last week when he "exploded" and I ended up taking the children out of their beds in the middle of the night and sleeping in the car with them.
It has taken a week, but he wants to reform, says he loves me etc etc,part of me thinks if he is willing to try and change I should try and help him, trouble is I don't know if I can just forget what happened.
I just keep feeling sick when I think about what he did to me, if it wasn't for the children I think I would be a long way away by now.

You already know deep down what people are telling you on this thread- you know that this situation is unacceptable and you know that you and your kids do not deserve it. You know that it is more harmful to the kids to stay than leave. You know that he just wants you to get over it and forget about it but that he will do it again. He may not want to, he may intend right now never to hit you again, but the problem in his head that allows him to do it will still be there and when he does lose it again he wil be more angry with you because in his head "you" have caused this to happen.

You also know that one violent incident, one slap or push or kick is one too many and is reason anough to leave him. What would you tell your daughter if she was in this position? Why do you deserve any less?

I understand that the difficulty for you is that it seems such a huge leap - to jump up and shout and make a fuss and involve the police, move out, end your marriage and go and tell the world that this man is a scary monster and your lives are not what they seemed. You wonder whether the situation justifies this massive reaction - you need to be sure it does before you take such a big step.

The problem is once the big trauma is over everyone tries to go on as normal and it sort of feels "too late" to do anything. The fuss has died down.

Ok if you can't do anything now, make plans for the next time, make an escape plan with the help of WA and anyone else you can trust. Then, when he kicks off, grab the kids and go and don't look back.

You just have to hope that he doesn't kill you next time or badly hurt your kids before you can get out the door.

Regarding those 'small knocks' - my mum was a victim of domestic abuse, very bad abuse but my brother and I didn't see much of it (though we heard). But one Christmas Day my father slapped my mum in the face and had her cowering in the corner. Afterwards he 'made it up' with mistletoe and we all had a jolly day (or we all would have been in for a smacking). EVERY Christmas I think about that bloody day. That's 25 Christmasses after the event. Don't let your children have memories like that, please. It does not have to be broken bones, though believe me it will come to that in time

You are so right mrsboogie, the longer I leave it the more I think it wasn't bad enough or no one will believe me, (most of the bruises have gone, the bruise on my back which feels like I might have cracked a rib is almost gone too),
Last night he went out, I must admit to being frightened when he came back, I stayed in dd's bed and listened to him emptying his wardrobe.
but today he says he is going to keep pestering me with kisses/cuddles and wants us to cut off from the hurt and start again. I came home from work to him in clean clothes, saying he wasn't going to smoke any more, he is really trying to impress, but I still feel numb. Provinciallady, Iam sorry for your story, but would you have understood as a child if your mother had broken up your family? dh says he isnt going to move out now, if I want him to go I will have to throw him out.

You said your children witnessed his latest attack - there isn't much for them to understand then except that daddy is scary and hurt mummy and frightened them. Whatever they would think today about you breaking up the family now they will think a lot worse when they are grown up totally messed up from what they have witnessed.

But its all worn off now, I understand that, and your fear and anger have abated for now so you cannot get the motivation to act and maybe you are tired of thinking about it all. You are longing for normal life and for him to be the man he can be and oh just maybe it won't happen again.

But if a strange man had broken into your house and threatened you and your kids and hurt you would your anger and fear have melted away by now? Would you say oh it's no big deal the bruises have faded now? Why is it easier to get over being the victim of a crime when the person who committed that crime is someone who is supposed to love and protect you?

He knows he's won now, going out to the pub and coming home to you cowering in a child's bed like you're the one who did something wrong. He knows he's got away with it and he's busy telling himself he's not such a bad guy, he was provoked, it wasn't his fault, it was yours. It wasn't that bad really.

If he didn't think these things and if he hadn't absolved himself from guilt he wouldn't have the absolute f*cking gall to come pestering a woman he had criminally assaulted a few days ago for kisses and cuddles.

So you absolutely know that it will happen again. Stay and wait for it if you think you deserve it. Allow it to happen if you think your children deserve it and maybe worse. But next time don't wait around for the drama to die down, stay angry and scared and just go.

mrsboogie,you sound very wise, I haven't reacted to his being the "nice guy" at the moment,I still feel too numb. I'm not sure I can cope with the next couple of years worrying about if it is going to happen again.
My 3rd son (who was plucked from his bed by my older son)asked daddy today " when we couldn't be in the house and had to sleep in the car, was that something to do with you daddy?"
daddy didn't answer.

well, daddy has no answer has he? how can you answer that question?

If you are not able or willig to leave him right now could you sit him down when he is calm and say we cannot allow this situation to happen again and let the children see that kind of thing happening. Play on his guilt - if he is human at all questions like that from a small child must get to him on some level.

I must say if what he says is true about telling his doctor that he "belted" you and her reaction - it is a singularly unhelpful approach from a doctor.

Perhaps he cold have some kind of anger management therapy? I don't believe that drink is the cause of his behaviour - drink allows it to come out easier but the anger or whatever is still there when he is sober.

If he is stil being nice and you have still not forgiven him perhaps now is the time to raise it? At least then if you do stay and it does happen again you will know that he has been given every chance.

Having said that leaving is still the only sensible thing to do. I really wouldn't worry about being believed - people will of course believe you - why would you make it up? You don't need bruises as proof either.

Keep posting.

mpuddleduck you asked how I would have reacted to my parents separating. It is complex. When my mum left my dad I was so, so relieved at not having to live with him, but I also felt bad for him because he felt sad. But over time my feelings became more of the relief and less of the caring how he felt. As I got older and experienced more of life without the constant fear that he would lose his temper and do something to me, my mum or my brother, I started to feel very angry at what I had been put through - angry with my dad primarily but also with my mum for letting it happen. I haven't seen my father since I was 13. I was 12 when we left. I hope that helps.

In the end though, adults are responsible for taking care of children and making sure they are safe (emotionally and physically). If that means that the adult has to make a difficult decision in the short term, to ensure the long term well being of the children - even if the children will be temporarily upset - then that is what has to be done, in my opinion.

Best of luck

Why is this so difficult? He started smoking again today, lasted 1 day, says he is too stressed by me still being cross and distant from him,he said its 4 weeks ago now, I tried to explain I was still sore and hurting physically as well as emotionally, but I don't think he understands
.
He thinks I should just forgive him and once I show him I love him he will be Mr wonderful.
Iam sad too re the GP, it is hard as we live in a small community and know the GP as a friend as well as GP. She has a partner who I had to speak to re someone else and she asked how Iam,(I guess as we can see either of them, they discuss cases) I said not good, but didn't want to speak as I was on the other persons phone, she said to call her later, but I haven't-I wouldn't know what to say.
mrsboogie, he has said sorry now, and says it will never happen again.

Please accept my support.

Remember no one has the right to treat you this way, drink or no drink. You have every right to be loved and not live in fear.

Your main responsibility is your children. I am not trying to make you feel guilty, but there is a risk that they could grow up believing this to be a "normal" relationship. Violence perpetrates.

I feel very sad that you have no one to confide in, but several posters have mentioned WA, and the police. Talk to them. Please protect yourself and your family.

Keep posting, please draw strength from the online supporters here.

you know what you have to do mpuddleduck

of course he started smoking again. of course its your fault that he did.
If course he will get drunk again. and that will be your fault.
he will hit you again and scare the crap out of your kids - that will be your fault too.

If he didn't blame you he would have to acknowledge that he is responsible for all of this unhappiness and he isn't man enough to do that is he?

I really understand why you are finding it so very hard to take that leap because once you do that's it - all hell will break loose and it will take so much energy and courage to get through it all. but you wouldn't be posting on here if you didn't want to do something about this situation and know that it is unacceptable and cant go on.

It will be easier if you stop thinking about yourself and your husband - it will just send your round and round in circles. Forget that he isn't bad all the time (of course he isn't - who would have the energy?) forget that you're tired and scared. Forget your marriage. Just think about your kids. I guarantee you that if you keep on letting them live in this atmosphere they will grow up damaged and the damage will be very very hard to fix. Their father, the one person who is supposed to protect them and their mother from harm is scaring them and hurting their mother inside their own home. It is so so wrong and there is no excuse for it happening even once. Imagine - a mum and her kids sleeping in the car - hiding from daddy - daddy is supposed to be their protector!

It sounds like you are gradually letting people know what's going on and people are putting out feelers to help you. If you can't do anything major at least let this process continue - then there will be someone you can turn to when he turns into a monster again.

When the day comes that you do leave - you will be so annoyed with yourself for putting up with this for as long as you did. You will curse the years you wasted on this man and wish you left him a lot sooner.

Even if you live in a 'small community' and are therefore worried about causing a social upheaval, please be aware that any upheavals that happen are YOUR HUSBAND'S FAULT. Not yours. You are not the one beating people up and terrorizing them. This useless, inadequate, unpleasant man may have the male-entitlement mindset (it;s your fault he hits you, you don't 'love' him enough - why should you love someone who hits and abuses you? - you're not sufficiently obedient) but very few other people think that this sort of behaviour is acceptable. There is no need to protect his 'good name' because many people around you will already have a pretty good idea that he is abusive and be ready to help you get away from him.
Bollocks to his depression and drink problems or whatever. They are his problems and he is not remotely entitled to use them as excuses for beating and terrorizing you and the children. Let WA help you, get him out of the house and a court order keeping him away. He has forfeited his right to live a normal life by abusing you, because you matter. You're not his punchbag.

My exh said it would never happen again(I left him after the first two years of violence)and I went back to him...he lasted 2 weeks being nice and then terrorised me for the next four years before I found the strength to finally say no more, I want you to leave and I divorced him. They don't change their controlling behaviour and it gets easier the more they do it. They can always justify their behaviour because you made them do it.
I was lucky ironically, that I had no children back then with him and I've never once wished I was still with him.
Take courage and start your life of 'relaxed and happy' with your Dc's.
Good luck.

Wheel of Violence

This wheel was created by the Domestic Violence Project; Duluth, Minnesota. I scanned the image from the Domestic and Dating Violence Information and Resource Handbook (created by the Metropolitan King County Council, Washington).

Using Coercion and Threats- Making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt her. Threatening to leave her, to commit suicide, to report her to welfare. Making her drop charges. Making her do illegal things.

Minimizing, Denying, and Blaming- Making light of the abuse and not taking her concerns seriously. Saying the abuse didn't happen. Shifting responsiblity for abusive behavior. Saying she caused it.

Using Male Privilege- Treating her like a servant. Making all the big decisions. Acting like the "master of the castle". Being the one to define men's and women's roles.

Using Intimidation- Making her afraid by using looks, actions, gestures. Smashing things. Destroying her property. Abusing pets. Displaying weapons.

Using Emotional Abuse- Putting her down. Making her feel bad about herself. Calling her names. Making her think she is crazy. Playing mind games. Humiliating her. Making her feel guilty.

Using Isolation- Controlling what she does, who she sees and talks to, what she reads, where she goes. Limiting her outside involvement. Using jealousy to justify actions.

Using Children- Making her feel guilty about the children. Using the children to relay messages. Using visitation to harass her. Threatening to take the children away.

Using Economic Abuse- Preventing her from getting or keeping a job. Making her ask for money. Giving her an allowance. Taking her money. Not letting her know about or have access to family income.

keep strong

xxxx

mpuddleduck

You are now in the calm phase of the cycle of abuse which I have linked to before for you.

Be assured that he is NOT sorry. He WILL do it again. So what if you live in a small community? It is HIS shame and HIS fault. NOT yours.

xxxxx

mpuddleduck - I have been watching and reading your threads but haven't posted until now because I thought your denial was too strong for you to be able to listen but I am really hopeful that you are now beginning to move forward.

I was in an abusive rl and I had some people in rl who knew a bit of what was happening and told me to get out. But it took years - it was all my fault, what would people think, he wanted to try again and I promised for better and for worse so I had to stick by him etc etc. I finally left, not after an episode of violence, but after quite a while of him "trying". I realised that even if he never hit me again (unlikely I realise now) he had broken my trust. I walked on eggshells. I was scared to say anything which might start an argument. Fundamentally, I stopped being me and became almost robotic.

That was 12 years ago and people who know me now can not believe I was that person

You will find the strength to move on and you become a fulfilled "normal" life again and will look back and wonder how or why you put up with it for so long

One last thing - my step dad was abusive. I was a textbook case of someone who left home and had an abusive relationship of my own.

So, if you stay with your p, fast forward 20 years - do you really want your dc's to have a rl like this, thinking that it is ok and its what everyone does ? You shape your children's expectations about relationships. Please don't let it happen again. I still haven't forgiven my mother for not leaving my step dad and putting me through what she did

Wishing you strength xx

Ok, I think I have made my decision now. dh went is away with oldest ds for a few days with a group of people doing outdoor activities. last night dh phoned in tears, sobbing, saying he couldn't live without me and the kids, he didn't know what to do, etc etc. This really upset me, but I didn't say anything, I just asked where ds was and he was in another room playing with friends.
The more he does the emotional stuff, the harder it gets, but I still feel numb and that (along with most of you on MN) tells me I need to leave

mp, don't do it for a bunch of strangers on the internet

do it for your kids, if not for yourself

if you are thinking you will end this r'ship because you ought to, you will go back to him, because he will wear you down at a weak moment

get some help in RL, I cannot stress that enough

yeh i agree do it for our kids he WILL NOT change he is tryin to reel u back in to spit u back out please do not take anymore of his SHIT good luck hun let us know how u are xx

Anyfucker, I haven't been happy for such a long time now,Iam hoping this might let me be me again. It really hurt to hear him pleading, but a voice inside me tells me he is just thinking of himself (that sounds really selfish of me).
I never want my children to be in that position again,and like so many peoply say, who knows, maybe he will change, but maybe not, so Iam doing it for them, despite my fears they might hate me for it initially.

RL help is really hard, I spoke to the lady from WA.and am planning to talk to her again tommorrow but she is still just a voice at the end of the phone.

mpuddleduck its so good to hear that you remain strong and haven't fallen for his bullshit.Actually its probably not bullshit - he probably means it - he doesn't want to lose you. But where will all this love and tears and not wanting to lose you be next time he is in a screaming rage with his fist inches from your face and the kids are listening terrified?

The man has a problem - a serious mental problem that allows him to treat those closest to him and most in need of his protection appallingly. Until that problem is addressed (if it even can be) there is nothing to stop it happening again. He cannot stop it. If he could control himself it wouldn't have happened in the past.

I don't know if wife batterers can ever be reformed. But your OH hasn't one anything to get rehabilitated - crying down the phone and making empty promises that he cannot keep do not count. Crying and trying to make the problem go away by ignoring it does not cure anything.

The woman on the phone may just be a small voice at the moment but if you decide to leave you will get a lot of help. If you are scared to leave because of what he might do then that is the very thing that tells you that you cannot stay.

mp, this is why I am worried for you....

... "It really hurt to hear him pleading, but a voice inside me tells me he is just thinking of himself (that sounds really selfish of me)..."

that sounds like the statement of someone still in denial

you cannot do this by yourself

I am sorry to say, it sounds like, at the moment, his will is stronger than yours

I hope I am wrong

MrsBoogie, I have to say I think you are right, thinking back he used to punch holes in the wall and doors,and a long list of other things I just accepted.
He has been my husband for 18 years, not all happy years but its hard not to feel for him when he is sobbing like a baby, begging for forgiveness, and saying he will do anything. .
I have thought of leaving so many times before,but it never seemed bad enough and I kept quiet, this time the children got involved which made it bad, and they told their friends mum who encouraged me to call WA. I will call again tmw. Thank you all for your support.

Yeah of course he's snivelling. They all do. They;re always 'sorry' until the next time you won't agree with him, or he doesn;t like his dinner, or you don't fancy dropping everything to suck his dick just because he's feeling horny. He wants free domestic service, sex on tap and unlimted chances to boost his fragile ego by beating up on someone - and he sees his access to these things slipping away, so he weeps and wails... just enough to make you start servicing him again. He holds you in contempt. He doesn;t think you are human. He will probably turn up with a bunch of wilted 2.99 flowers next, because he thinks that women just have to be rebooted now and again to avoid an interruption in service.

why do you feel sorry for him when he is crying like a baby? he brought this all on himself - it isn't something that happened to him.

does he feel sorry for you when you are cowering in a corner, begging him to stop or crying like a baby yourself? no of course he doesn't - he probably rages even more when you cry.

next time he snivels and cries think to yourself what he do if this was me crying? sneering contempt is probably near the mark.

mrsb and sgb, you are spot-on