Just don't know how to move forward now.

[mpuddleduck]

I think I need a fairy godmother to tell me what to do now.
Dh and I haven't been close for ages now, I posted last week when he "exploded" and I ended up taking the children out of their beds in the middle of the night and sleeping in the car with them.
It has taken a week, but he wants to reform, says he loves me etc etc,part of me thinks if he is willing to try and change I should try and help him, trouble is I don't know if I can just forget what happened.
I just keep feeling sick when I think about what he did to me, if it wasn't for the children I think I would be a long way away by now.

Hey mpuddleduck

How are you? Just wondering how you're feeling after having a few days to think?

Hope you're ok

Hi,Thankyou for asking HolyGuacamole,
I told dh on Saturday I thought it best if we have some time apart.(the councellor mentioned this) He is going to go to his parents (which is the other end of the country) in a couple of weeks time. I was close to tears all day. I told my friend today and her reaction was "oh good".
I started thinking about childcare today so I can continue at work, which is part time.I haven't really thought about all the practical things up to now. I feel ok one minute then a complete wreck the next, asking for help with childcare means Iam going to have to talk to people and my children about the situation which Iam not looking forward to.

You're not hurting him, he is hurting himself.

The relief you will feel once you make some decisions will be amazing.

Living with someone who has such rage and anger is not acceptable, for anyone. Please don't be so frightened, it's awful.

When I was blaming myself for not dealing with my ex's terrifying anger 'well enough', my darling Dad told me this, please remember it:

Love is not a concept, it is an action.

It's how you behave, not some airy-fairy idea. Honestly, the thought of a grown up man blubbing like a baby to try and keep you, it makes me feel ill.

Get out of there, lady. The practical stuff is easy, don't stress on that.

You're doing something incredibly positive, it's the first step to happiness.

Be strong.

Aw mpuddleduck, am sorry you're feeling bad. It's totally natural though. You wouldn't be human if you automatically felt great about it.

It's really fantastic that you are going to spend some real time apart, it can only benefit you and let you see what life is like when he is away. I know you must be feeling terrible and it is easy for me to say but please try to see it as a positive thing. You will find the right words when you have to explain things. TBH people will be astounded to imagine what you have been thru. He has put himself in this position. It sounds like he has used up the love that you had for him?

I know this must be terribly difficult for you but you really are brave, honestly. At the very least you need space and you need time to think about your life.

No one is going to judge you, especially not your children. You need to stay strong, keep your chin up. You are doing the right thing mpuddleduck

Well done and keep posting!! If there is anything at all, please ask because so many people here can help motivate you and help with practical advice. I for one will be coming back to this thread and checking up to see that you're ok

When is he going away?

Sorry, I was thinking and had to come back and post some more .

Him leaving to go to his parents is a massive thing. The organising you are having to do for childcare, your job, telling people...everything. It was all be really hard but it will be worth it as you'll gain confidence from it and you will prove to yourself that you are a much stronger person than you think.

I get the feeling that to tell people (the children, relatives etc) will for you, be the hardest thing and maybe that is because up until the past few weeks, you have kept it all inside and secret for years.

Sorry to ask more questions (just tell me to shut up as I do tend to go on a bit ) but I wondered how he is reacting to you asking him to go to his parents?

HolyGuacamole, you sound so kind, it really helps to talk on here even though I don't really know who you are.
The fact that we live in a tiny community makes telling people hard, and Iam really worried about upsetting the children.
He is being so nice, it is making me feel even more guilty, but I think also he thinks I will change my mind and say don't go.
He said to me tonight he thinks that if he does go he probably won't come back but it will be my choice.(it seems so unfair, he can do the bad things, but I have to be the one who breaks up the family )
I seem to have come through the numb stage and feel like Iam going to burst into tears the whole time.

Hey, its what mumsnet is for, you can have the anonymity that you can't get in real life and say things that you would otherwise keep to yourself.

It's so totally natural to feel really upset. Right now it's very, very hard and maybe it sounds crazy but this feeling will pass. It is hard to break up any relationship, especially one where you are carrying the burden of guilt.

You sound very stuck. Whilst he's there, you can't see how you'll feel without him and he is able to try and work his way back in which leads to you being so confused. He has absolutely no reason to leave this marriage because nobody hits him, he is not on the receiving end of any of this because he is the perpetrator.

You shouldn't feel guilty because you're doing what any mother would do, that is to protect yourself and your children. Don't let him make you feel guilty because you are the one in this marriage who is doing the right thing. People who know you will know that and you don't have to give everyone details if you don't want to. There are no rules, you have to do things the way that feels right for you.

As for your children, they will be fine. Ok, maybe they will be upset at first but after a little while, they will get used to the idea and the biggest thing is that they will benefit greatly from you being happier. Children are so resilient and adaptable, I think you'll be amazed at how well they'll cope but it's so hard to see that right now.

Maybe I am wrong but I feel you need some kind of RL outlet? It feels like you are taking so much on your back with very little support. Do you think it would help if you were able to trust someone else in RL to confide in properly and to be supportive? Or does part of you feel like you don't want to burden anyone, or you feel embarrassed or too upset?

HG, you are very wise, yes Iam stuck in this circle of not knowing if Iam doing the right thing.
As for a RL outlet, Iam sure that would help if I could do it properly. I have talked to a couple of friends, but I don't have a close friend or relative I can really talk to properly. Today I feel guilty for saying what I have, almost like I've been telling tales.
I went to a school social party this afternoon and spent the whole time hiding in the corner pretending to play with ds.

You are really coping with this so well mpuddleduck. Yes, easy for a stranger on the internet to say that huh....but....the fact that you do post on here just says so much. I bet in the past you would never have said a word about this to anyone?

Don't you be feeling guilty and just take it all at your own speed. Here you have the freedom to say anything you like with no comeback, you have complete anonymity to say anything that is on your mind and you don't have to answer to anyone. You could walk away from this site or change your name and no one needs to ever know a single thing (I hope you don't do that though!!). Just be assured that you are doing nothing wrong by talking about this.

I hope your weekend has been ok? Have you been getting a bit of peace and quiet to yourself?

Hi HG, I think that has been part of the problem with our relationship, we never talked to each other or anyone else about other incidents.
It has only come out this time because the children were involved and are old enough to tell a friends mum.
Weekend has been mm interesting, I have now been accused by being shouted at totally out of the blue and in front of my children and his friends, of causing someone I work with to have a breakdown. I have started a thread on mental health as I think there must be something severly wrong with me.

Your DH did this?

OK, I just read your other thread.

DH drinking - not your fault.
Splitting up family - not your fault.
Your mother - ignore (for the moment)

Your manager was highly unprofessional to have that sort of discussion with you.

DH is not cured. Far from it.

Everyone around you is looking at you as the root of their problems, however, you are the only one who is actually looking at yourself and wondering this. This is too much for you, these people have no idea what you have been going through. You cannot burden yourself with this. You are not the problem here.

I'm up for a while if you want or need to talk mpuddleduck.

No, it was a so called friend.

Thank you HG, but dd has just woken so I need to go and sit with her,it was a friend who accused me of causing my managers breakdown, I will see my manager tomorrow as she is still at work. I feel like Iam the problem, Iam a quiet person but I wouldn't intentially be unkind. Got to go now as dd getting louder. sleep well.

OK mpuddleduck. You look after yourself, hold your head up high and keep calm. You have so much to deal with. When you get a moment - is the 'friend' who has accused you, the same friend you have been confiding in?

Wishing you lots of luck ok, and hope to see you back on again soon!

No, it is not the same person.

Hiya mpuddleduck

How are you doing? Hope you're ok.

HG, I have been having major doubts today, I think as the leaving day gets closer Iam feeling more guilty (because he still isnt drinking) and worrying more about the children, dd kept asking for daddy this afternoon. Iam reading through this thread to try and reassure myself.

Oh yes, that is a good idea. Also, the first thread, a (very) shocking reminder of why you are doing the right thing.

You know mpuddleduck.....everything's gonna be ok, it really is. This is a transitional period, no one would be expecting you to be jumping for joy or even half way confident about this, but it is all going to be fine.

FOUND THIS

Thought it might be a little bit helpful?

Thank you HG, It all seems so unreal, its nine weeks ago since the last incident and he is trying so hard. Iam reading your link, thinking it doesn't apply to me as the incidents are few and far between,dh isn't that bad, just going round in circles again. Iam determined now to stick to our plan though and see what happens once we are apart.

"Determination" will see you thru this, what a great and positive thing for you to say

Iam worrying today about how long it will take to decide the next step once dh has "gone away", should there be a time limit when we decide what to do?

Hi mpuddleduck

Hope you're not getting sick of me but I'm usually hanging around like a bad smell at night time on MN

There is no time limit. The only limits are the ones that exist in your head. You need time to think on your own, to see how you get on without him and to feel the relaxed atmosphere in the house without any pressure.

I mean you could say something like "ok, I am going to give it 'x' amount of time" but really, that would be unfair on you. I honestly think you need to take things at your own speed, get some proper support and back yourself up with advice on what your rights are.

Him being away from you is the most important thing and time is what will help you to answer all of the things you are so worried about. The answers will come from you when you are ready. You have came this far and you don't need the added stress of worrying about rushing all of this or putting time limits on things. Are you under any pressure from your DH to 'decide'?

By the way, you're doing great!

HolyGuacamole, Thank you for persevering with me. It is so helpful to see your comments, no one in real life really wants to talk or comment and I feel very lonely at the moment, so even though I don't know you it is helping.
Dh has made a few comments about whether or not we will get back together and the longer it goes on the more negative he becomes.
I'm not so sure about "doing great", I got cross with dd2 tonight, she isn't well and kept saying "I want dadddy"