Just don't know how to move forward now.

[mpuddleduck]

I think I need a fairy godmother to tell me what to do now.
Dh and I haven't been close for ages now, I posted last week when he "exploded" and I ended up taking the children out of their beds in the middle of the night and sleeping in the car with them.
It has taken a week, but he wants to reform, says he loves me etc etc,part of me thinks if he is willing to try and change I should try and help him, trouble is I don't know if I can just forget what happened.
I just keep feeling sick when I think about what he did to me, if it wasn't for the children I think I would be a long way away by now.

Puddleduck - I remember your other thread. I was horrified by his treatment of you. It does not matter that no bones were broken. He hit you repeatedly, he threatened to kill you, ,he did this in nfront of your children, he has done it before. He WILL do it again.Please please take the advice of these lovely ladies. There is no excuse for abuse.

If by 'he wont give up on me' means you think he will stalk, assault or even kill you, please be aware that you can get a restraining order against him and he can be locked up for assaulting and threatening you. You don't have to leave the house: he can be removed from it by the police and forbidden to return even if it's in his name and not yours - because it is the children's home and they have a right to live in it without a violent man being there. He forfeits the right to live in the house because he has assaulted you and terrorized the children.

I posted on your last thread. I was so horrified by what you posted, I'm so pleased to see you back on here and talking.

You mention ruining your kids' lives by staying, I would argue the opposite and say that you are more at risk of that by STAYING.

Please, please, please pluck up the courage to phone WA. You are in a classic cycle of abuse. I agree with solidgoldbrass and that there are ways you can be protected.

The next time, and there will be a next time, will be worse.

Thank you oldladyknowsnothing, my RL friend was asking if I had phoned WA today, and I really am trying to pluck up the courage to do so. Iam becoming increasingly irritable, even snapped at my boss at work yesterday. We went to a school event today and I found it really hard playing happy families in front of other friends.

I posted on your last thread. Yes, I have been there.

If you are worried about the immediate consequences of splitting up (possibly violent reaction from him), sgb is right. If he becomes violent, phone the police immediately. He will be removed from the property and bailed on condition that he stays away from you and the property.

This is not your fault and you are not making a fuss about nothing. My ex-p once asked me if I thought I was the victim of domestic abuse (obviously to try and make me think I was making a big deal over nothing) at this point he had tried to strangle me, broken my nose twice, broken my wrist, cracked my ribs. I eventually left him when he hospitalised me. I had tried to escape from him and he tripped me over and jumped on my legs several times. My ankle was broken in 5 places and I needed an operation to set it and was in plaster for 6 months.

All this started with a slap and just escalated. I cannot speak for you or your dp but you should be aware that my scenario is not unusual. Quite the opposite - the violence escalates over time despite all the tears and apologies.

Again, I would urge you contact WA. They will NOT pressurise you into leaving but will be able to advise on practical issues.

sb6699, sorry to hear your story, I hope you are in a better situation and happy now.
Iam going to ring WA, my real life friend has had some leaflets from WA for me to read too.
My husband is only like this when he is drunk and there seem to be long gaps, its not a regular thing.
We have been discussing him leaving, and he is starting to say there needs to be a decision sooner rather than later, he says he wants me to give him a chance to show he can make me happy.
I admit last time was worse than anything he has done before, I still have a bruise on my ribs,but its no where near as horrific as the things some of you have experienced.
I have read all the threads but still can't convince myself totally that leaving is the right thing.
I don't want to waste the time of the WA lady, do I need to have a plan or know what I want to do when I ring her?

don't wait to be convinced...

it's hard to see things clearly when you're in the middle of it but you ARE the victim of ongoing domestic violence.

Call WA. Just do it. As soon as you lift the phone and start to speak it will become easier. That first step is HUGE for you. You will not be making a fuss or causing trouble. It's the opposite, you'd be making the hardest decision to sort your life out and you can't do that all on your own. You need the support and that is what WA are there for.

You don't need a plan as such. Just make the call and they will listen to you and talk to you about the choices that you have and how they can help you.

Would it feel better if your friend could be with you when you make the call?

Wishing you loads of luck mpuddleduck.

Hope you don't mind me posting here again .
I have rang WA, the lady was very nice, seemed her main focus was getting me out of here if I need to. I told her we were talking about seperating for a while and she thought that was good. Although I can't imagine getting back together afterwards.She talked for ages, and to be honest I was shaking so much I can't remember half of what she said.

Everyone on MN has said it will happen again,I really value all the MN comments as I can't talk to anyone except my one friend in RL but dh says he will change, we went to a friends last night and he only had 2 beers. Has anyone been hit by their partner, stayed in the relationship and gone on to be happy? or is it really a no?

are you back together then mp ?

does a couple of nights "good behaviour" cancel out everything that went before?

what about the next time you "displease" him?

will he rememeber to "behave" then?

he is putting on an act that is not humanly possible to continue day-in-day-out with the normal stresses and strains that life brings

why are you socialising with him?

seems like you have already made your mind up

sorry to be harsh, but he is fooling you

Apart from the first night I haven't actually left. Just sleeping in dd's room and being "polite" to each other.
I went to the friends house yesterday as she is both our friends,dh took ds earlier and I took dd later in order to collect ds if dh wanted to stay, but he came home with us. we live in a very small community and its hard to do anything other than pretend things are ok.
Although saying that Iam still telling dh I would like some time apart and he has agreed to move into a house nearby after easter for a couple of weeks.
We have been married 18yrs, he has only hit me seriously twice and just small knocks about 4 or 5 times that I remember.
My mind keeps going round in circles.

Please leave because one day he will drink too much again and who knows he could pick up a knife or something heavy and hit you/stab you just the once and leave you debilitated for life. Of course your dc could witness this and think that is a perfectly acceptable way for people to be and marry spouses who knock them about just a little bit every now and then of course...

Well or he could just kill you, end up in Jail and your dc go through the care system.

denial has a lot to answer for

am so sorry mp

only hit you seriously twice in 18 yrs?

what is serious? a cut, a bruise, a lost tooth, loss of unconsciousness, a fall down the stairs, a hospital visit?

small knocks? what does that mean? are you saying a small knock doesn't count? does he think they don't matter, do your dc?

listen to yourself, you have been brought to feel your personal space is worth nothing by his physical intimidation

what has he actually done to change, apart from laying off the booze for a couple of nights and some empty promises? Any concrete actions?

also, stuff the "small town", you are covering up spousal abuse, why are you pretecting his reputation?, its not you who is wrecking it

the police should know about this man, so the next time he tries to lay a hand on you, they can offer some protection

MP......why did you post here in the first place?

I am not being funny or sarcastic or anything...I really want to know why you posted.

Did you look at the links I have posted twice now for you?

DO you think it is normal or desirable to sleep the night in a car with your children?

Does your husband treat anyone else in the way he treats you?

Your children will grow up thinking it is normal for a woman to be frightened in her own home.

What does it matter how large or small the community in which you live is? It is him that should be ashamed of himself, not you. Why are you protecting him?

I did read the links, thats when I decided to tell dh I thought it best we go our seperate ways.I have read and re-read them, I just find it so hard to believe Iam in that situation.
I posted first time here as I was in shock and just didn't know what to do, I have no one I really trust in RL and guess I keep posting here because as AMDF says I keep denying the situation,even the friend who now knows some of the situation, doesn't know the whole story.
He did speak to the dr about being depressed,and says he admitted "belting me" but she refused him ad's and said see how things work out.
I just convince myself Iam right to leave, then I start feeling guilty and embarrassed, all your posts telling me its right to leave are being taken in by me, I'am just scared.

Thanks for your kind thoughts mpuddle and yes I am totally happy right now.

You say he has only badly hit you twice and "knocked you" about 4 or 5.

I have now been with my dh for 10 years - he has never raised a hand to me and would never think to. And he is far bigger and more "manly" than my ex. Believe me, I no longer walk on eggshells and my dh is made well aware when I am pissed off and still would never react in such a way.

Please think about this - the way your dh treats you is not normal and cannot be excused even if its only when its drunk.

The frightening thing here is that he is not willing to admit he is in the wrong. If he was truly sorry for what he does, surely he would be taking steps to make sure it doesn't happen again (going for councilling, stopping drinking).

He is trying to make YOU responsible for HIS behaviour.

are you sure you cannot talk to anyone in RL ?

what do you mean no-one to trust?

that you can't trust them to not tell him?

or that you are too ashamed to talk about the situation you are in?

WA will not judge you, no matter how many times you go back for more of the same punishment, they have heard it all, believe me

so where is he moving to? and why are you waiting until after Easter?

please stop perpetuating this myth of a happy relationship, it suits only him, not you, it just reinforces your feelings of worthlessness, that he carries on regardless while you cover up his abuse of your family

socialising together with neighbours/freinds/whatever gives him the message that you are not serious and that your silly little mood will blow over if he just behaves for a couple of weeks

X-posted with you there - sorry.

I do understand how you're feeling. I thought I would feel embarrassed admitting to everyone what had been going on but my friends and family were really supportive and couldn't believe I hadn't asked for help sooner.

I don't know you're situation so not sure why you don't think you'll be supported by those around you but most folk would not wish any woman to stay in this sort of relationship where she is scared and physically abused by her husband.

You have no reason to feel guilty - this situation has been caused by HIM not YOU regardless of how often he tells you otherwise.

I can only say that after my relationship ended, it was like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Dont get me wrong, it was difficult at the start getting benefits organised, securing the house so he couldn't gain access and arranging childcare but once that is all done you can start to look forward without worrying what the day is going to bring if you so much as say the wrong thing.

It is very scary. It will be quite a long time after you do manage to escape that you actually realise just what you have been subjected to.

I am depressed...severely...but I have never 'belted' anyone in my life. And I have never tried to control anyone...with or without violence or the threat of it.

He says a lot of things, your partner....were you with him at the doctor's?

The thing is....these men all work to a pattern..and we can all see this pattern...this hymn sheet from which they all sing. The difficult thing is seeing it when you are living it.

Two years after leaving my ex-H , who was not violent by the way....but I still left, I still get those light-bulb moments about some things that he did and said. I have no idea how I stayed so long with such a mind-fucker as he was/is...now I am out of it is is easy to see the nightmare.

Keep posting...keep talking to WA. Tell the police.

xxxxx

GettingaGrip - I totally understand your post.

Looking back it is easy to see how I left myself in the position I did although I didnt see it at the time.

Sometimes when I see threads like this its like looking back to how it all started and the alarm-bells start ringing or I think "I could have wrote that"

AMDF, I guess Iam embarrassed to tell anyone, but I did today, I have been making excuses for not doing some work I should have done for weeks now,but I blurted it out today,all in one breath,she said she knew something was wrong, but didn't realise things were that bad.
You are right, Iam sure dh thinks Iam in a silly little mood. If it wasn't for Mn I might even believe it myself.

have to post and run just now

there , ya see, this lady you spoke to knew something was wrong

you are not fooling anybody, my love and really not giving people a chance to offer you support. That is not fair on them, and you

please keep posting, and have a look at the emotional abuse thread that janos started, you will find like souls there

you are not alone in this

here

Oh Anyfucker, I do feel so alone. The lady I blurted to hasn't mentioned it again, just carried on with her work and has now moved on to work somewhere else until after easter.
its dh's birthday today.I gave him cards and presents from the children and said happy birthday but didnt give a card. yesterday he wrote me a letter saying how he felt,how he wants to try and make things good again, I didn't react to it, I just feel numb, today he is down and cross. I was terrified earlier when he started chopping wood with his chainsaw, but he didnt hurt himself or anything else.
I still can't help thinking that awful though it was I'm not being fair not giving him another chance even though I haven't been happy for a while. He's gone out tonight, If it wasnt for the children I would just want to give up.
Sorry for my ramblings.

don't be sorry mp

is he still planning to move out after Easter?

perhaps you will gain more clarity when you are not living in the same house

if a black cloud lifts when he is not there to undermine and confuse you, then you have your answer