Just don't know how to move forward now.

[mpuddleduck]

I think I need a fairy godmother to tell me what to do now.
Dh and I haven't been close for ages now, I posted last week when he "exploded" and I ended up taking the children out of their beds in the middle of the night and sleeping in the car with them.
It has taken a week, but he wants to reform, says he loves me etc etc,part of me thinks if he is willing to try and change I should try and help him, trouble is I don't know if I can just forget what happened.
I just keep feeling sick when I think about what he did to me, if it wasn't for the children I think I would be a long way away by now.

sgb he did the cheap flowers 2 weeks ago, that just made me cry,(not that I let him see) as he hasn't bought flowers for since dd was born.
I think I must be planning the right move, but I still hate to hurt him and the children. I didn't hear from them yesterday.

I'm going to ring WA later and see if she can help me feel any better about things.

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. No-one should have to sleep in the car with their kids for anyone. I think you know what you need to do really and I don't know your situation in detail, but I know a lot of people do go round in circles until they say enough is enough. I'm guilty of it too.

I've learned a couple of things that I now stick to regarding relationships...

You can't change someone's core personality. They can act differently (for a while!) and possible keep it up, but they need to do the changing. Don't take on the role of fixer.

You shouldn't be with someone because of their potential, i.e. who they say they could be. Be with someone because of who they are now.

I had a civilised split up from my ex husband who had been aggressive towards me for some time. It is possible, and it took a while afterwards for us to become mates (can't really call it friends as such!), as we are now. But I feel it was well worth it.

monkeylaine, that is reassuring, Iam the sort of person that hates bitterness/nastiness, I go out of my way to avoid it.
I tried WA today, but the lady I have the number of is obviously away on holiday for easter. I'm finding it really hard, I think more people in our small community know now we are having problems but nobody,and I'm as guilty wants to mention it.Dh is supposed to be back on Thursday, trouble is I've started doubting myself again.

Please don't doubt yourself. You haven't done anything wrong and you deserve a better life for you and your children. (Sorry to pop into thread like this, but I didn't want you to think no-one cared.)

ok, try to put to yourself in your kids' shoes. If you were one of them what would you want mummy to do?

• stay with daddy and live on tenterhooks with the fear that mummy and daddy will have another horrible scary fight in the middle of the night and you end up sleeping in the car?

• grow up with the memory of daddy beating mummy to a pulp one drunken night?

• grow up thinking its normal that everyone is scared of daddy and end up as an adult who hits or is hit by their partner?

or would you like mummy to fix this and for you to live happily and securely while daddy lives somewhere else and has to behave himself around you all when you do see him?

Ok I'm simplifying it but you mustn't use your kids as an excuse to do nothing. You could always consider living somewhere else - if you go to a refuge you could get rehoused in another town if you are worried about the curtain twitchers. On the other hand these people that you suspect are aware of what is going on might just be nervous about saying anything - its not easy I imagine to boldly ask someone if their marriage is totally

Don't doubt yourself - listen to yourself. f*cked up because of their DHs behaviour.

Hello mpuddleduck

I got out of my relationship with verbally abusive partner two weeks ago.

Although he wasn't as violent as your P he is very controlling and prone to flying into verbally aggressive rages.

The children and I were (and still are) very scared of him.

From my first visit onto MN 6 months ago, I got the Lundy Bancroft book "inside the Mind of an Angry and Controlling Man". I had to read this secretly but much of what the author said matched my P and that was the turning point for me.

I kept a diary too, posted a few times on MN and read other people's threads, including the old ones learning from what advice had been given to other people in similar situations.

Then I made appointments with solictors and CAB, finally told trusted family what was happening (thank goodness they believed me). I also contacted WA who helped with practical advice and finally the Domestic Violence Unit just before I left.

The hardest part for me was accepting that the man who could be so charming and loving could also be an abuser and that it was escalating especially when I stood up to him.

6 months later I had my head ready to leave, although in reality it had taken me 2.5 years from when I first realised there was something wrong (but suspected it was my fault).

Now I'm starting to re-build my life. Things are tough financially and like you I live in a small rural community and I am dreading meeting my P's familty and friends who will blank me. I still have an abusive ex to deal with at the end of the day.

But I don't have to live with him and I cannot stop smiling to myself. I'm free! I hope you will be too some day mpuddleduck. Keep strong for you and your dc's and work through each barrier that is stopping you leaving bit by bit. Then everything will start to fall into place. Use every agency you can to help you.

Good luck!

mp, I've not read all the posts, but please, don't put up with this.

Even if you decide to stay short term, go to the olice station and make a 'un-reported dv record', I think that's what it is called, they will know. it puts you on their system, so if needed you should get a quicker response. It's hard, very hard, although it's only 2 pages, but some of the questions are hard emotionally to face up to. I did one sat, after putting up with all sorts for tha last 4 years, and the policeman looked at me and asked why should I be living like this? Why didn't I report the times he's been a violent ? It's so hard while you're caught up in the madness, but please, even if not for you, do it for your children.

Well done Digitalis, It is nice to hear that things can get better and Iam glad you are happy now.
I think Iam finding this so hard because he is only violent when drunk, and this is the first time the children have been involved.

We never talked about the times he pushed me into the doorframe,pinned me down and headbutted me, gave me chinese burns, or was verbally abusive,and these have been sporadic so I feel that Iam maybe making too much of it,accusing him of something he is not.
He apparently told a mutal friend he is not a serial wife beater (I found out today).
Even after reading all the posts on here and my other thread, why do I feel like this? Iam usually a strong, independent person, but Iam just going around in circles.I'm even starting to feel guilty for posting on here, but to be honest, I think its the only thing stopping me going completely mad at the moment.

Don't feel guilty for posting on here at all! That is all part and parcel of how you have been trained to feel by your DH, the cycles of guilt and doubt.

I pity your DH. You sound like such a nice lady and he doesn't deserve you. The things he has done to you are nothing short of atrocious. You don't treat people you love like that and it is very hard to stomach that a man can hit and abuse a woman and keep emotional control over her.

I don't think he would admit to his friend the truth that he is a serial wife beater because for one, he is probably in some sort of denial and two, his friend would be shocked to learn that fact and (putting it mildly) would probably not want to be his friend anymore (unless he too is a wife beater, I hope not).

Be strong mpuddleduck and keep posting.

Thank you HolyGuacoamole, I go from feeling completely desperate to feeling stupid.
Back along I suggested we try some sort of councelling. He agreed but we did nothing about it. Today he had a leaflet through about telephone councelling (we couldnt get to be there in person). My head is just so confused, would relationship councelling be any good? I think in my heart it might just be too late.

I have no personal experience of counselling so anything I say about it is based on either reading other peoples experiences on here or elsewhere.

I have no idea if counselling would help your DH (others on here will know the answer to that) although I have read on here that abusive men tend to manipulate counselling sessions in a way that (in their minds) vindicates their abuse.

HERE is a free and confidential helpline that you can call and talk about all of the things that are going around in your head. The important thing is that you keep talking about this and don't feel like you are going behind your DHs back.

You probably don't think you are making any progress but you are, the fact that you're questioning your feelings and his actions. I take my hat off to you for having the courage to open up about the things that he has done to you.

Relationship counselling doesn;t work in abuse situations, because relationship counselling is about getting the couple to compromise and accept they are both at fault. WHen there is abuse, the abuser is at fault and must not be allowed to put any blame on the victim.

I found that the joint counseling sessions that H and I went to were really useful.

Basically we were referred to an NHS therapist by GP - H had taken me there to get my stress problems dealt with as he said they were affecting our family life.

I was really scared that therapist would say there was something wrong with me. But would you believe it, she started to focus on H and his attitudes. She even made him "kick-off" in a session at her - the first time I had seen him rage at someone other than me. Of couse he quickly "sacked" her after that saying she was incompetent.

I was very lucky to find a good one though.

Also if it is helpful, I found for a very long time I was making excuses for H's behaviuor towards me. I blamed his drinking or depression and of course he was desperate to hang it onto something that could be explained away.

But after a while I started to really listen to what he said and to write things down straight afterwards as my brain seemed to try and airbrush it away. I realised that what he said when drunk or supposedly depressed was the same as he was saying at other times. What was important for me to realise was that behind the words I could start to see his attitudes. He believed he was entitled to better treatment, greater consideration than anyone else, particularly me and the DC's. He believed that he was superior. And this was another turning point for me to get unhooked from him.

Another interesting thing was when I read the diary back I was shocked at what I was reading. Then I would think well it's only me and him so that's OK. I think that was because my self-esteem was so low due to years of him chipping way. Eventually after going over things endlessly like you are possibly doing, I started to see and then finally believe that actually I did matter and most importantly my DC's were being affected too. It almost felt I was brainwashing myself but in fct I was re-learning about relationships.

Hope this helps mpuddleduck. Your postings are sounding stronger everytime. Keep working it through!

That rings lots of bells, a friend once commented on dh's male chauvanist ways, dh's jobs are always more important than mine,and even when he is trying to apologise he comments on how good he is, and how he is not a bad person,and he would be so different if only I showed him I loved him.

Was your GP any help.?
dh is now on AD's after seeing a gp whilst away,says he is feeling much more positive and thinks he has been depressed for a while. I just feel like the one who has done wrong, sitting here talking to a computer whilst he gets tea and sympathy.
I really fear being the "one" to split up our family

Actually I think the GP was quite helpful by referring us to a therapist who seemed to grasp that there was more to our situation than we had presented - i.e. H saying my wife needs fixing she is stressed and mentally ill and probably suffering from a personality disorder.

Neither GP or therapist accepted this for one moment and probed much deeper into what was going on in our relationship. I'm sure if it hadn't been for her I would still be thinking of ways in which I could try just a little bit harder to be the perfect wife and mother that H was looking for.

Just like your P he still says that everthing that happened is my fault for not loving him enough. Even the fact that he accused me of infidlities and affairs (absolute crap btw) is actually my fault for not making him feel more secure by giving more love and attention.

I think I was lucky in that we did not go to a relationship counsellor though, if you read the thread on /emotional abuse a lot of people are saying they actually make the situation worse by trying to apportion blame equally and misunderstanding that there is abuse in the relationship so condoning the abusive partners actions.

H also blamed his behaviour on depression which /I bought for years. He then went onto AD's but nothing really changed. He had a vast array of medical conditions which I believe he used to gain sympathy and attention.

For me in the end it really was all about what he is saying, once I was able to see that all the excuses were a smokescreen to hide his attitude of feeling entitled to attention, better treatment etc. without necessarily giving anything back or working to earn it.

I also felt intense guilt about being the one to split the family. It's still early days but the people Ireally care about (DC's, family & friends) can see and understand what's going on. Others like H family don't and believe his bullshit, but then I suppose you can't really expect anything else.

It's funny I don't feel any guilt at all and feel very comfortable with my decision. I think that came with understanding the dynamics of emotional abuse which took a lot of thinking about and researching, as you are probably doing and suddenly Iknew the time had come.

Keep going!

Thank you Digitalis, I hope you didn't mind me asking. I can see so many similar things in your post.Iam so glad you don't feel any guilt now and your friends and family are supporting you.
I am now getting as far as knowing what I want to do, then I hit a brick wall and can't see how to go any further (back to my thread title I suppose)but at least Iam feeling more and more that it would be the right decision.

mpuddleduck - I'm un same situation. I know I want to/need to go but can't get the strength to do it - where do I start. We have a joing mortgage.
Keep strong everyone

Well, we went to see a relationship councellor, dh told how he had been depressed, alcoholic and had no support from me. How he is now not drinking and talking to AA, how he is on antidepressents etc etc. Councellor noted how he flared up when I said something he didn't like. Come home feeling I don't like him even more now.

Hi mpuddleduck. Good to see you back again, was wondering how you were getting on. So he used the session to blame you for not supporting him? Did any of you mention the abuse?

I'm sorry you're feeling bad. I don't know if you have seen the thread over on 'chat' just now about the lady who asked her DH to bring in some bread and milk (will link it for you)? That thread has been reminding me of you.

PART ONE

PART TWO

Oh this thread has moved me, and I'm a tough cookie. It doesn't matter what he says about not giving up etc, this makes it sound like it's you at fault. IT SO ISNT. i admire you for wanting to keep things civil for your children, you sound like a brilliant mum. However,be warned that men like this won't remain civil for long.
Please call Womensaid, even just to talk at the beginning. You and your children deserve kindness and respect,not to be scared out of your wits. Good luck, we are all with you.

He gave a real sob story of how he had been ill and been drinking too much (apparently runs in his family), how we had a blow up and he hit me (I wanted to say he didn't just hit me, but couldn't), how he is now on antidepressents and is talking to AA.
Iam now feeling really guilty, he is trying so hard to do all the Right things. I feel cross that he is blaming me for not supporting him (he said I was the equivalent of the playground bully and deserved what I got, although he didn't want it to sound the wrong way)
I have read the threads linked, and hope she will be ok. It made me question my situation as dh isn't constantly abusive, just now and again, but I do feel free when he is away.
Junglist I have talked to a lady at WA briefly, told her about the counselling session and she thought that was positive and it was good that dh was admitting his problems and sorting them, but I can't share her enthuisiasm. Does that make me really bad?

I thought that the other thread is similar in terms of how the lady feels, cycles of guilt, sometimes thinking 'he's not that bad' and simply not knowing what to do for the best

You don't sound bad mpuddleduck, not one single bit. You are extremely reasonable considering all that has happened.

If your DHs plan is to go thru a bit of counselling to keep you happy and to prove that it is you who is being unreasonable, then it's not going to work and he is proving this. Also, if you can't relay the actual seriousness of his abuse to the counsellor (because of fear of his reaction), then he/she can't get a true picture of your situation and how it has really affected you. It must be very frustrating for you.

It is interesting to read Digitalis experience of counselling below and I wonder if your counsellor quietly picked up on these types of things from your DH? Have you to go back to see her?

I was also going to ask if your friend was back yet and if maybe you had the chance to talk to her?

Yes, a lot of the other thread did feel similar. I'm sure dh wants to change and make a go of things, we have a comfortable life and I don't think he wants to loose that. I just feel now it has gone too far, and I still feel numb towards him. The counsellor did squeeze my hand when we shook hands to say goodbye, but I didnt want to read too much into that. We don't have another apptmt as it is so difficult to get there, but he is going to phone us.
My friend is back but we havent had chance to talk yet.

You are right not to be overly enthusiastic. While talking about his problems might help him in a way, Domestic abuse is caused by his underlying attitudes towards you, not anger.
I'm in an abusive relationship, and my partner is nice for months at a time. This is part of the cycle of abuse, they want to keep us there, so can't be nasty all the time. Then they seem to blow up for no reason suddenly, but it could be they are scoring points against you during the nice times.
This is why I would also be wary of counselling, anything you say could be thrown back in your face at a later date, putting you in danger. Could you find a counsellor who specialises in domestic abuse? I realise good ones are few and far between.