Just don't know how to move forward now.

[mpuddleduck]

I think I need a fairy godmother to tell me what to do now.
Dh and I haven't been close for ages now, I posted last week when he "exploded" and I ended up taking the children out of their beds in the middle of the night and sleeping in the car with them.
It has taken a week, but he wants to reform, says he loves me etc etc,part of me thinks if he is willing to try and change I should try and help him, trouble is I don't know if I can just forget what happened.
I just keep feeling sick when I think about what he did to me, if it wasn't for the children I think I would be a long way away by now.

Hey it's not persevering at all, it is an absolute pleasure! I hate to think of you feeling rubbish and struggling with this alone, we're not having that ok!!

This is obviously very difficult for you. I know you think you maybe aren't doing so well but you are. From your post several weeks ago, you have came a long way, from never having talked about it, to being able to chat on here and actually making moves towards him leaving. That is a whole lot of doing good let me tell you

Of course you're gonna be stressed and at the end of your tether, you'd need more than the patience of a saint to float thru this without being affected emotionally. You have done amazingly well to have coped so far and to keep talking about it like you have.

You just make sure you keep coming on here and keep talking. Bottling things up is not good for anyone, least of all when you're life is changing in front of your very eyes. And it is changing for the good. You just need to believe it.

I was thinking about your DHs attitude and I was thinking maybe he is speaking in a way that sort of controls your emotions. Maybe he thinks "right, I'll keep telling her I won't be back after I move out" or "I'll keep telling her she won't cope without me" etc. Saying those types of things could be his way of making you fear how you will cope when he is gone?

I hope you don't mind me asking but do you know when he is 'moving out'?

One step at a time, one day at a time, it is all going to be fine and you will see that.

Thank you HG, for your reassurance, I must sound like a squeaky wheel, going round and round.
He is moving out on Tuesday.

Wow, Tuesday! That is much sooner than I had guessed. No wonder you're all out of sorts lady!

You sound like a very proud lady and don't be offended but here is my email address if you need some support. I'm not really one for falseness and wouldn't offer if I wasn't sincere so don't feel all weird about it. Also don't feel obliged either. It is there if you want it ok, your choice.

holyguacamole123 @ googlemail.com

(there are no spaces either side of the @ symbol)

Regardless, I am really wishing you the best of luck and have my fingers crossed for you in the coming days. You'll get thru this, you really will!

Hg it seems to have taken an age, it is hard living in the same house when you don't really understand the feelings you have for someone anymore.
That is very kind of you to offer support via you email. If you are sure I might take you up on it in the next few days, there are things I would like to say on here, but don't as they might make it obvious to anyone who knows me in RL who Iam,(or maybe thats just me being paranoid) hope that makes sense.

Yep, that's fine mpuddleduck, no problem at all, you take care of yourself a get a good sleep!

i know how it feels to have to make a life altering decision when everyone around you is making you doubt your mind...

i was abused by a family member... once my own children became potentially involved it forced my hand and i had to make a choice. it was an easy decision (to protect my children) but the fallout almost made me crumble.

i started my journey doubting myself and feeling guilty for putting everyone through pain (minimising my own pain at the hands of others of course- that's barely acknowledged).

my family's anger with me for bringing the abuse to light, their disbelief and their lies to cover themselves made me doubt my version of events and i started to wonder whether they were right and i was being over dramatic. i stuck to my guns though and trusted my instinct and that is what you need to do.

allow yourself to feel the pain and anger. if you suppress this anger it is far more likely that you will be victimised and manipulated.

you have been mistreated and abused but despite this, you have found enough strength to forge a way out. even if you still doubt yourself and feel uncertain, hear this- you are AWESOME.

don't back down or be bullied into changing your mind. if he threatens you or hurts you in any way before or after Tuesday you need to call the police. don't take any chances.

mpuddleduck - I hope you don't mind me posting, I just wanted to say that I think you are being brave and strong through what must be the hardest time of your life.

FWIW you are making the right decision although it must be so hard for you to see that. You are being emotionally and physically abused and that must have damaged your self esteem and self worth.

You need support and this thread is very supportive of you, everything everyone has said is true your husband won't change, your relationship is irreparably damaged.

I have worked in several environments, and still directly work in an environment dealing with domestic violence, he won't change.

You sound like a loving,caring and good mum - please consider this - domestic violence between a couple is an indication for children to be placed on the child protection register, violence that the children have witnessed is an absolute indication and an indication to remove the children.

If I treated a woman who was a victim of domestic violence who then intended to return to the family home with the children and partner there, the police would be involved with a view to take out an emergency protection order to protect the children. He will not change, his behaviour will escalate and it will be all your fault (so he will say). You can not change him but you can protect yourself and your children.

Please I don't want to shock you, or undermine you in anyway, it is apparent your children are your main priority, but they will be far more damaged in the long term by witnessing their fathers violence towards you than their parents living apart.

I hope all goes well on tuesday, you are doing the right thing, watch him leave then feel the relief. Try not to worry for your children they will be ok.

lexilou- it is a frightening and jarring thing to point out but necessary i think... as a mother your ultimate responsibility is to ensure the safety of your children. i think their involvement has forced the OPs hand a bit in her situation. you have to sympathise with mums in this situation though- they often lack the confidence to trust their instincts due to being victimised and manipulated by their partner but your right- the bottom line is child protection. hopefully the OP gets the message.

ok this was me many moons ago - there is no way this is a safe environment for your children. The fact you and they had to sleep in the car is awful.

You need to phone your local police NOW and report it. Let them guide you through the best way forward. You need to speak to a DV copper who is specially trained to help you. Threatening behaviour and intent to harm is illegal - whether he is married to you or has never met you before.

Sorry to be harsh with you - but you have to stand up to this NOW - seriously. If he has done it once he will do it again - as my own experience taught me over and over again. Please do not make the mistakes I did. Get the police out NOW. Please.

Hiya mpuddleduck

Am bbqing tonight but just wanted to check in and see that you're ok?

Chin up.

Hi mpuddleduck. Just saying hi and I hope you're ok?

Hi,Hope the bbq went well HG,
Dh is packed ready to go,we have hardly talked all weekend, I feel like I will burst into tears at any moment.

Oh and blinks is so right, it is only because the children were involved this time that I didn't just keep it to myself and had to admit something was wrong.

Hey

BBQ....what was I thinking? Of course it rained and we were forced indoors to cook everything normally in the oven, typical weather!! Me and my big ideas

Anyway! Glad to hear he is all packed and that you are still on track for tomorrow. Well done, that is really good news.

It is going to be fine. This is the big hurdle and all of your emotions will be flying around everywhere but that is completely fine. I am so amazed that you are at this stage, it is really fantastic.

Stay strong, chin up and keep telling yourself this is for the best.

I obviously don't know you but I feel really proud of you for taking this massive step in your life. Keep it up, keep talking and if you need support, just ask ok!!!!

My fingers are crossed for you mpuddleduck.

Hope everything's been ok today mpuddleduck.

Everything went quietly today, thankyou, not sure how I feel tonight.

Am glad things went quietly for you mpuddleduck. I hope you are ok and that you can start to get a bit of clarity with some time on your own.

You are doing the right thing, you really are. I expect you are going thru all sorts of different feelings right now?

It will start to feel better, it really will.

How have the children been?

Hey mpuddleduck

Hope everything's going ok.

Hi HG,
dh has phoned the last 2 days, saying he is missing me and the children, he loves me, talking on the phone is almost normal,why is this so hard?
We had a really nice day today, playing in the beautiful sunshine and mowing the lawn etc in the exclusion of our own bit of space.

My other problem is worse, I feel if I go anywhere else, everyone is looking at me and accusing, I want to go and hide forever, but I couldn't leave my children.

HG you have been so kind Iam sorry to be so down.

Hey don't apologise. It has been a lovely day so am glad you managed to get the goodness out of it with a bit of peace and quiet.

People might stare out of nosiness, wondering what's going on - none of their business, ignore them. Or people might, if they knew your story, stare and think "wow, look at that lady, she had the courage to move that abusive man out, good for her!"

However, the way that you are feeling will probably exaggerate any feelings you have that people are judging you. Bugger everyone else, just use the time to get yourself sorted and the children, get a wee routine going and very soon you will see a bit of clarity on the horizon. The feelings from years and years of marriage can't just sort themselves in less than a week. If only it were that easy!

You expect too much of yourself lady!

Try to relax and allow yourself to get thru all the feelings one day at a time.

Hello mpuddleduck

So glad you are enjoying some peace and your own space, you are doing a very brave thing.

After I left H I also felt that people were looking at me and judging, plus I felt angry with his family who knew what he was like and have never to this day, not a single one of them, contacted me or DS, their nephew/grandson just to say "are you OK?".

But you know inside what really happened and that you are right to do what you are doing for you and your DCs.

I survived by thinking my news would soon be yesterday's chip paper, and do you know within a few weeks it was and there was something else for people to talk about. Just think of celebs like Heather Mills McCartney for example, no-one remembers her tricky divorce much now.

Just put a big pair of sunnies on, make sure you're looking your best and brazen it out. You have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed of! It will get better....

Enjoy the sun!