A Rant.. My Bloody DP .... AGAIN Grrrrrrrr

[MyDPIsAPainInTheArse]

Ok i have namechanged for this one
Rant snarl thoughts about murder

This is going to sound really pathetic hence the namechange but bear with me please.

This morning i woke up after having a weird dream about a snake (burmese python, i know cos i used to have one when i was with ExP) i picked it up and put it in a carrier bag (odd) took it home, and it broke into the cage outside and ate my son's ferret (i love this ferret)

I woke up assuming weird dream is to do with me being stressed, and mostly stressed about ExP's recently reinstated contact with DS1. He used to be violent.

So i thought nothing of it, obv you have odd dreams when you are stressed, well i do.

Anyway. DP is working on a site not far from me, and phoned to say he had forgotten something. I drove there to take it to him. He then asked what i was dreaming about last night. So, bemused, and assuming i had said 'don't eat my ferret' or something, i told him.
He said then that i had said "Oh thats a big one, can i play with it as well?"
Then asked me who i was dreaming about in a v accusatory way

I have just had a baby and have been bleeding like billyo since i have NEVER thought about cheating on my DP despite the fact that he has on me, and i have forgiven him.
Its something i would just never do. Ok you can't control a dream, but IMO i would prolly have been dreaming about my DP in that case, i find him very attractive, and i admit i have been feeling very... shall we say frustrated.. can not WAIT till the sodding bleeding stops so i can jump him lol sorry TMI

BUT he has really pissed me off. So as well as this he also told me my breath stank of fags (i am a smoker, he is an ex smoker) then went in the back of the car and said to our DS 6 weeks old.. "Hello son, i'm your daddy. The first one."

Grrrrrrrrr
So then when i left he went to give me a kiss and not wanting to subject him to my ashtray gob i sort of gave him the corner of my mouth/side of my cheek to kiss.
He then chucked a wobbly.

So i got back home, and phoned him to ask, why he is always so fucking nasty (there are other things than this) and he flipped out at me asking who i am shagging so i responded by i promised never to do this ..... throwing at him that the reason he gave up smoking was so he could go and meet this woman WHILE I WAS PG and she didn't like smoking so he had given up, told him it was like he was rubbing my nose in his affair every time he crowed about giving up, and that i was pissed off.

He hung up the phone on me after saying 'whatever'.
I'm just so frikken pissed

I seriously want to strangle him.
Over a bloody dream ffs. And just to top it off i must say the only time i HAVE dreamed about sex with anyone it has always been with him cos despite him being a twat of the highest order sometimes, i do love him and find him very attractive

Sorry this has been long.. and daft. Thanks
Rant Over

hope you have a nice peaceful night sweetness!

Cheers

Arse

Make the most of it!

I told him if he REALLY loved me he would pay for a full tank of fuel lol.

Shocked silence on the other end of phone.
Think he was expecting me to gush 'oh how kind of you thank you DP i love you for ever please come home.'

Sadly he was disappointed.

What a cretin this guy is - lordy. If he was genuinely remorseful the last thing he'd be doing would be making public declarations clearly designed to cover his own arse like that. Everything you've posted sounds like classic self pity. Even now he doesn't care about you and the dc - only himself. God I think he sounds so totally vile I actually feel pissed off after reading that on your behalf. Don't be a mug SA - this is yet more manipulation and self aggrandisement - the guy is not capable of putting anyone before himself - clearly.

Lol yes me and DS (well i am awake DS is still sleeping lol) had a lovely nights sleep.

Woke up this morning and the car was gone.
Didn't give a rats ass at first but now its back probably fuelled it up the daft sod.

I've banned myself from FB which i never normally go on anyway.. if he wants to contact me he can bloody well do it properly not through some stupid social networking site.
He needs to grow up and phone me or something and ask properly what he has done wrong and how he could put it right if he's THAT bothered.

Planning on going to Dsis today for a chill out and lots of cups of coffee
I find myself having a wobble every now and again so i have to do something else, mn is great at keeping your mind off things, or i make plans to go out so i can't glare at the phone wondering if i should 'just check he's ok, just check he's got money/food, ect.
Got so used to giving so much of a shit about him its hard to fill the gaps where i would have normally done something for him you know.
Like when i do dinner, or a cup of tea, is very hard not to do one for him as if he was here, and have found myself drinking tea with 2 sugars in i have done out of absent mindedness.
Still, is only day 2. I know it gets better

Opps i forgot to say i have resolved to have at LEAST a month on my own whether i choose to take him back or not although this is looking unlikely as i am sort of enjoying not having him here so my eyes have been opened to the actual level of crap i have been dealing with.
When i did love him properly i couldn't bear to be parted from him for a minute and couldn't wait to see him. I did feel like a teenager lol.. if my phone went and it was off him i would be all butterflies
Not like this feeling i have now
Oh well.

you are over the hardest bit already, thew shock of him going and managing well on your own.... sounds a v good idea to keep busy.

please dont forget how awful things were before he went. what you say about ds1's feelings show how aware he is of the problems... do you want your boys growing up thinking this is how men behave.... and going on to treat their partners like you have been treated??

have a good day.

Thanks CF

NO way would i like either of my boys to be like him (the non nice bits) is such a shame because i know he is bloody well capable of being nice, but it takes a sodding argument and a couple of days to sink in before he does.

I have told BIL that i am not the right person for DP and i can not waste energy any more trying to fix what others left.. i know his mum and SIL just roll their eyes when he goes off on one and think 'oh its just how he is, he'll calm down in a minute'
This is how he's grown up, never having it pointed out to him what a bell end he's being, so it must have been a shock when he started going out with women who wouldn't put up with it.
But i have also said if he doesn't like it he has the propensity to change, i pointed out that i used to be a horrible person, i had a bad temper, i used to smack my kids, i managed to turn myself around because i didn't like who i was.. i was too like my own mum.
So whether with me or someone else, i have told him straight, (on phone last night) he must change himself, FOR himself and not because someone else wants him to, he must admit his behaviour is wrong for the change to stick.
Then i said i'm not your counsellor ffs. And made arrangements for visiting DS instead ("I don't just want you turning up blah blah..")
You could TELL he was dying to say i didn't just want him turning up because i had another man in the house or something
True, this is what his ex did, and what he does to me.. so i brought up what i thought he was thinking.
He agreed he HAD been thinking that, i said, 'i am very insulted DP.. i have never cheated on you, flirted with anyone else, i have told you straight away if anyone has hit on me so i don't hide anything from you, i am not your EX and i am NOT YOU. Shame you didn't think of my feelings while you were off chasing after OW'EN on the internet, while i was PG with DS'
I think he got the message.
Oh yes, i think i will definately have a good day today knowing that i have finally said something about the hurt he has caused me. If he has any sense he will now look at it as if i had done it to him and think what he would like me to do to put it right. Thats what i told him that i would do anyway

DS looks so sweet in bed i am sooooo going to have to take a photo lol i'm offski see you all later xx

DP is coming to see DS tonight
So i have a babysitter while i do tea lol

Thanks dittany
I did understand what Dsis was getting at.. he has never had a REASON to be any different IMO
People have let him get away with everything and then got to the point where they have just had enough and buggered him off.

He then thinks its nothing to do with his behaviour, just that he happens to go out with slags who can't keep their knickers on.

I am / have been different, i have explained what his behaviour is, how he could respond differently to how he does, ect. I have seen some changes in him but not as many as he could do, and certainly not big life changing ones.
I used to feel sorry for him, now i just feel angry that he knows the problems and is just not bothered to change (he used to smack the DSC's but i stopped that, that was my main bugbear at the time)

So he has the propensity to change, just doesn't see the need.. he has never had a kick up the arse in the right direction.

I read THIS thread and it made me realise what other people think is normal, and realised he doesn't do any of that.
He is all about big shows of affection when he's done wrong, then back to normal after a few days, and i was struggling to live with the constant ups and downs before DS was born, then it became almost impossible.. hence DS is 8 weeks old tomorrow and DP isn't living with us which IMO was my worst nightmare, now i am finding that is not the case.

Having taken the step, and finding it isn't so bad, i feel he would now have to do a lot more than talking and one or two big shows of affection for me to take him back which i feel good about finally realising.

The letter idea is good as it means i can read it and we won't end up shagging when i forgive him like what normally happens shouting at each other.

please please please dont even THINK of shaggiong him......

err, shagging, obviously

Tch

Ye speaketh as though one is desperate

Lol

Stercus, have read this entire thread, you have all the answers, please act on them, have been in several toxic/obsessive relationships myself and loving someone's potential will always leave you wanting and longing for something that you won't have, please stop trying to fix him, no-one holds a magic wand, he is what he is, if he chooses to live his life this way, so be it, you can choose not to be part of it, that's when us love addict type people start the journey towards not being victims any longer. You and your kids deserve so much more but you have to believe that to stay firm in your endeavours to separate from him. How tempting it is for us to have another 'fix' of these types, experience that familiar euphoria and put off the withdrawal symptoms of cutting them and their poison out of our lives. I wish you luck in all you do.

Thank you.. i find that i aseem to pick men with nothing or with emotional problems trying to fix them or they leave with more than they came to the relationship with, and usually take a huge chunk out of my life in the process.

DP did come last night and didn't even glance in the direction of the xbox lol
I tried to avoid talking, he said a lot, which i told him to go away and write in a letter and to concentrate on his DS
He did, and then he left, he was very upset though, it was very hard not to go into comfort mode, but i did ok.
Can't wait to see this letter, he whined about his spelling ffs, i said if it comes from your heart i am not bothered.
Have been to Dsis's again today i bet she's getting sick of me lol.

He was rather reluctant to leave and spent ages looking at me wistfully lol and obv hoping i wouldn't be a hard cow and send him home but i told him i need space..
He said he respects that but he wants me to know i'm the best thing thats ever happened to him and he is sorry about how he has treated me (IMO not his words, a well rehearsed speech from SIL)
I wasn't the best thing in your life when

Didn't even stay at the door to wave him off just shut it And he has apparently commented to BIL today that he thinks i have had 'enough' and i will never take him back.

Tch... i can imagine his self pitying playing of air violin

Should have said
Wasn't the beast thing in your life when you went off with and cybered with other women

"That was my mistake and one i am going to have to live with doing to you" he said.

"Fuck off"

Stay strong. Smoke and mirrors is all...if you keep your distance for a month, I bet he will get angry and nasty, and you'll know it was all self-pitying crap. Don't get stung by believing a word he says at this point.

BOF thank you flower and do you know that is EXACTLY what i thought hence me saying a month.. this cleared up any doubt in my mind in previous relationship breakdowns where i considered getting back with ex

It is quite hard as i feel like i am robbing him of the chance to be a parent to DS but have made it clear he is welcome at any time and for as long as is not stupid.. i think he obv welcomed the chance to make sure i wasn't dumping him because i have OM