A Rant.. My Bloody DP .... AGAIN Grrrrrrrr

[MyDPIsAPainInTheArse]

Ok i have namechanged for this one
Rant snarl thoughts about murder

This is going to sound really pathetic hence the namechange but bear with me please.

This morning i woke up after having a weird dream about a snake (burmese python, i know cos i used to have one when i was with ExP) i picked it up and put it in a carrier bag (odd) took it home, and it broke into the cage outside and ate my son's ferret (i love this ferret)

I woke up assuming weird dream is to do with me being stressed, and mostly stressed about ExP's recently reinstated contact with DS1. He used to be violent.

So i thought nothing of it, obv you have odd dreams when you are stressed, well i do.

Anyway. DP is working on a site not far from me, and phoned to say he had forgotten something. I drove there to take it to him. He then asked what i was dreaming about last night. So, bemused, and assuming i had said 'don't eat my ferret' or something, i told him.
He said then that i had said "Oh thats a big one, can i play with it as well?"
Then asked me who i was dreaming about in a v accusatory way

I have just had a baby and have been bleeding like billyo since i have NEVER thought about cheating on my DP despite the fact that he has on me, and i have forgiven him.
Its something i would just never do. Ok you can't control a dream, but IMO i would prolly have been dreaming about my DP in that case, i find him very attractive, and i admit i have been feeling very... shall we say frustrated.. can not WAIT till the sodding bleeding stops so i can jump him lol sorry TMI

BUT he has really pissed me off. So as well as this he also told me my breath stank of fags (i am a smoker, he is an ex smoker) then went in the back of the car and said to our DS 6 weeks old.. "Hello son, i'm your daddy. The first one."

Grrrrrrrrr
So then when i left he went to give me a kiss and not wanting to subject him to my ashtray gob i sort of gave him the corner of my mouth/side of my cheek to kiss.
He then chucked a wobbly.

So i got back home, and phoned him to ask, why he is always so fucking nasty (there are other things than this) and he flipped out at me asking who i am shagging so i responded by i promised never to do this ..... throwing at him that the reason he gave up smoking was so he could go and meet this woman WHILE I WAS PG and she didn't like smoking so he had given up, told him it was like he was rubbing my nose in his affair every time he crowed about giving up, and that i was pissed off.

He hung up the phone on me after saying 'whatever'.
I'm just so frikken pissed

I seriously want to strangle him.
Over a bloody dream ffs. And just to top it off i must say the only time i HAVE dreamed about sex with anyone it has always been with him cos despite him being a twat of the highest order sometimes, i do love him and find him very attractive

Sorry this has been long.. and daft. Thanks
Rant Over

the most worrying thing is the continual reference to sex.

it's all about affairs and shagging.

i understand it's hard to see the wood for the trees and all that but some things are more important than your relationship.

for some insane reason you've decided to have a child with this man. having lost one child, you should be making sure your raising this one in a secure and safe environment.

i feel for you, i really do but do you know what? your feelings and desires are selfish. you want this man because you know you shouldn't. you know he's bad for you and bad for your child. you obviously like a challenge and being abused is familiar so here you are... in an abusive, horrible and dangerous relationship.

it's pretty depressing.

I don't know the background, only what I've just read.

Are you trying to 'rescue' him? Give him what he's never had, ie stability and a loving home etc?

Because, as much as you try, he might always push you away you know. And you can't spend your life being unhappy and mistrusted because of someone else, honestly.

I'm not worried he'll one day do something you can't forgive. I'm worried he won't. He gave up smoking for another woman when you were pregnant with his child, and you forgave him, and he is treating you like crap and bringing your son into it and accusing you of cheating? Just how much worse do you need this to get? I've seen your posts around, and you seem funny, smart and interesting. I can't believe a woman like you is with a man like this.

This is not going to get better. It's going to get worse. I'm not saying that to be a twat, truly, I'm saying it as someone who used to be with an arse, and who is now with someone lovely and can't for the life of me work out why I wasted years on the prick. And I hate to bring in the big guns... but do you really want your child thinking this is the way a man should treat a woman?

You deserve someone lovely. They are out there, they exist, and you are missing out on them every day you tolerate this shit, as is your DS.

reality, thanks

i think i must have had a bit of pmt yesterday

but stercus, please please listen to us and go through the actions even if there is a bit of uncertainty in your voice because you really do deserve better.

Good post Reality.

I was on my own for three years before i met DP though and i was (i considered myself) pretty much healed and ready to begin a new relationship. During those three years i had been out with one bloke who cheated on me and i kicked him to the kerb although did stay in contact as friends, i just accepted he wasn't relationship material.
He did sort of harrass me for a while and when i got with DP he used to text me almost constantly 'I've made a mistake, you are the love of my life," ect asking if i would take him back/tell me when DP 'dumped me' so he could come and rescue me ..... pfft
I was open with DP about everything.. maybe stupidly but i think it was the right way to be. After all, i had to listen to all the crap about his ex who left him with the kids

I used to tell DP he was the first man i ever truly loved.. i never felt the way i did about him before. He was, and our relationship was bloody brilliant for the first six/eight months, i adored him, and he loved me to bits.

I often wonder where it went wrong. I think it went wrong when he went on holiday with the lads when we first were together, and they came back full of stories about how they had all pulled and misbehaved, i tried to ignore it, but i have to admit for the first time my total trust in my DP waivered a bit.. but to me, if you don't trust someone, there's no point, so i was determined to believe and trust him when he said nothing happened.

One time my ex phoned me (obv trying to cause trouble) and i fluffed and told DP it was a friend that had called instead. Don't know why, it was silly really, we had just had a really nice day for once and i thought 'oh no i can't let ex ruin it'
So i fibbed Ex had said "Oh i suppose he's there thats why you can't talk, i have split up with my new GF, i feel really depressed, i need someone to talk to"
The GF being the slag he cheated on me with.. but tbh i will listen to anyone and try to help..i am too soft.

I bloody hate liars..there really was no excuse for lying but like i said, it was stupid. Not long after this i changed my number and like a PLEB i sent ex a text telling him how i felt about DP and that i would never get back with him ect ect.. FROM THE NEW NUMBER dohhhhh.
Before this i had been getting emails off someone on FB telling me DP had been 'all over her' when he went on holiday in the early stages of our relationship, and had sent me photo's of him dancing very closely with her friend i asked him about the photo's and he blew up, he tried to grab the phone, and i held onto it, he ended up pushing me over, i fell over a chair and hit my head on the wall. I had a lump over my eye like a fucking egg. We went to work and DP was horrified to see me later i had the most HUGE black eye on the planet.
He looked like he was going to throw up..honestly. He .. i know for a fact.. would never ever deliberately hurt me physically.
I told him to leave which he did, but then spent ages apologising, and i mean sincerely.. one of the texts went thus.. "Please don't leave me, i love you, i could not bear to see you with someone else.. i will never hurt you again, it was an accident but that doesn't make it right, please let me come over to see you. I will not stop texting you or phoning you until i have got you back"
It ended up, i felt terrible, because he seemed so sincere, i got back with him after that, and everything was ok for a long time after.
Or so i thought.
Last year he had a really bad back, so took the day off to go to the doctors. I went online at work later on that day and i saw an email..'DP commented on so and so's photo'
So, i went to have a look. It was a photo of this womans norks and he had put 'Nice tattoo shame i can't see the rest of it'

wasn't the word. I like, flipped out. So i confronted him by phone..he said "I did it as a joke because i knew you would break your neck to see if i had been online"
WTF? Lying shit. He did it and got caught more like. So, i told him he was dumped. He sent me various 'you are a cunt' ' i don't care' texts.. including one that said 'get a life you sad cunt'

So i just sent one text back.. 'mate, you play your games and i'll play mine'
Half an hour later i got one back 'What does that mean?'
I replied "You'll see"

Then they started, the nice texts, the really nice ones. Then the ones that said 'You know i have a bad back, i have no where to stay at my sisters, (his nephew had argued with his missus so he had the spare bed lol) i will have to sleep in the van'
Well, as angry as i was, i wouldn't do that to my worst enemy, so i said, ok you can stop here. FFS this was my second mistake after taking him back after he (accidentally or not) blacked my eye. Still, my mum always said i am a doormat So he came to stay, i fussed over him, making sure he had painkillers, something to eat ect, and ignored the voice in my head which was squeaking..what the hell are you doing? He cheated on you, he's not your problem any more. His welfare isn't your problem.
So i sort of drifted back into the relationship. I accepted his explaination that it was done as a joke, and there i think was where the real stuff started. Lets just say, the tagged site stuff started two weeks later one week AFTER i told him i was expecting his baby..and continued right up until i found out. I don't know if its still going on. I just hope it isn't.
The phonecall off phil my ex happened between the blacking of the eye and the comment on FB so maybe i thought i deserved him doing that, that he thought it would make us even, but i do not accept any responsibility whatsoever for the messages to other women on the tagged site at all.
I'm sitting here now writing this and really sobbing because it just brings it back to me, what i read, how i felt. I wouldn't put anyone through that, ever. Sat there reading the messages and cried so much i threw up. I am angry at myself for why i can't just tell him to fuck off. I know from his past that the next person he goes out with will adore him, then, when she is sucked in, he will do the dirty on her too.
I spent three years alone to avoid partners and relationships like this, now i'm stuck in one and i really don't know WHY.. i'm not a weak person, i'm not clingy, i have self esteem, but there is something..fucking me up, why i can't do it. I feel frustrated and angry at myself because i KNOW my kids don't deserve this and i know i don't.

I feel i must point out that i must be avoiding something, because i haven't even signed into MSN because i couldn't bear seeing another one of those emails off that woman. I was so frightened i would lose the baby, the pain i was caused before, and if i read one of them now, and opened it all up again, i feel i might reject him, although i know i wouldn't..(the baby) if that makes sense.. if i did read something off her and it got to me, it would probably manifest in some other way.
I am sick of hurting, being afraid and being tested. Where is the person i fell so deeply in love with? The first man i ever loved? This is why i know that feeling so well when replying to some posts on here..i know that feeling of waiting for that man to come back

Without wanting to over simplify things, it's not meant to be like this, it's really not.

When you're in love and having a baby etc, it is (for the most part) a wonderful thing.

From what you have said, he sounds quite juvenile and insecure- ie saying he couldn't bear to see you with anyone else, he won't stop texting until you relent, but then treating you like crap. IME (of observing other relationships) this kind of thing only gets worse.

Bloody hell

Please, Stercus, see someone - you don't deserve to be treated like this, relationships aren't supposed to be this constant round of drama.

You need calm. And you ain't gonna get it with him

What a disgusing excuse for a human being this man sounds. Reality is right - he is not a common or garden bastard, he is a grade A, toxic, fuck up your life, no way back, no redemption possible, full metal BASTARD. The way he has manipulated you makes me want to...grrrr...i know violence is never an answer. But he desrves to be ALONE for ever.

Please don't do this to yourself. I don't want to make you feel guilty, but please don't do this to your kids either.

Hi flower yes i'm ok
Had problems with DS last night so DP had to take a back seat lol
Have changed the settings i think so people can cat me whatever that is..where do the messages show up..

I have drawn a line today.. wrote it all down and sent it via email to him (i read this on another thread and thought yeah good idea..he can't shout if i'm not there lol'

Then he phoned me to say his laptop had lost connection
Flippin, i must have been attilla the flippin hun or something in a previous life..

It was something i wrote to him when i had the baby but never sent.. i added to it, i hope it does the trick one way or the other.

How are you hun?

O forgot to say..thanks for the advice.. i do forget how much it takes out of the people who are replying to a post sometimes. It opens up some things maybe better left.
I just would like to say thank you to everyone who has told their experiences to try and help me out. Sorry for being a whingebag lol
Thank you
And esp you reality me darls

This is what i sent him.. its a bit of a ramble lol

Hope this works cos nothing else seems to. Sick of thinking one of my rants has finally sorted everything out just to end up back at square one all the time.
Have tried not to be accusing or anything but if he doesn't like it, tuff

Today you went back to work for the first time after the birth of our baby. I miss you so much. I know you weren't looking forward to going back so i thought i would write this and send it to you to tell you how i feel and try to make you feel better..sort of lol.
This morning i looked at your baby and i felt so much love for him i cried. He looks so much like you. There is only three times i have cried through being so happy in my whole life..Once when i found out i was having a baby with you, again when i found out i was having a boy, and today. I really have never been so happy as how you make me.
There is so much i want to say to you but can not put it into words to say to your face which is why i'm writing this, so you can read it and keep it if you want to.
There is also so much i want to thank you for.
I was really worried to be honest that the things i went through when you kept splitting up with me and being horrible to me at times, and when i found out you was cheating on me, and i felt really hurt and humiliated, it was the most painful and shocking experience of my life, because i would have sworn on my kids lives that you wouldn't do that to me, and truly that was maybe the saddest i have ever felt..yes i did listen to other people when they said stuff like 'a leopard never changes its spots' and all that stuff, i was just so afraid that i wouldn't be able to let it go, or that i wouldn't love the baby the way i was supposed to, because i was hurt. I thought actually i wouldn't like him..i thought i wouldn't be able to love him.. because he would remind me of all the pain. I thought i wouldn't be a good mum to him. I know that he was probably the one thing that kept me going sometimes, so i was probably worrying about nothing, but i was really scared about how i would feel. Sorry to put that in here but i need to explain how i feel so you understand. Know that with you i couldn't respond how i normally would, by walking away, which is what i would have done if it was someone else who had hurt me in that way, because the way i feel about you, i would rather be with you and feel hurt and angry, than be without you.
If i had condemned you so quickly and harshly then it means i had never loved you at all.
Its funny how someone can break your heart, and you still love them with all the little pieces.. a very strange, heartbreaking feeling, something i have never dealt with before. I now know how it feels to have the one person who means everything to me, to make me feel like nothing.

Still, i never, ever, even thought about giving away your place in my heart..at all. Who would i have given it to?

I knew what you were doing. And yes, it hurt that you treated me badly so maybe you wouldn't feel so bad about doing it. I understand that when you drove off and left me at work every day it was because you thought you had found someone else who you could maybe love more than you loved me. I felt horrible realising that it started when you were working away and staying at SIL's, it felt even MORE horrible realising that you were doing it five minutes after i walked out the door to go to DSis's to babysit. I wondered why you did it, what was so wrong with me, if i wasn't good enough for you, if you would always be looking, or if you had done it before and i had just been too soft and trusting to realise.
I got thinking about the times people said you did things and i was like 'pah yeah right, Dp would never do that to me, ever, get fucked' and i wondered if i had been wrong, and you had. Oh god i felt like i had been ripped apart. Like the person i thought i knew, didn't exist. I know you have felt this yourself, cos you have been cheated on, i don't know why you would make me feel like that, if you know how much it hurts.. but then i realised, how hard it must be for you. I know you are grumpy sometimes, but i know how loving and thoughtful you can be, and i know that you do love me, a lot, and it dawned on me that it must have felt terrible for you to see me cry, to see me so upset and know that you caused it, and not be able to do anything to change it even if you wanted to. I realised that, although i felt really bad, no amount of being angry or blaming you would make it better.
I am not bringing all this up to make you feel bad or anything, its just that now i feel able to talk about it without feeling upset or like i want to throw up.
Ok its painful knowing that you gave up smoking on that weekend, because she didn't like you smoking. And when you keep on saying about giving up, i try very hard just to be proud of you for it, and not think about the reason why. That you did that for someone else, not me or the baby.
And that you haven't changed your profile thing on FB. Where it says you are single and looking for a relationship/dating. Fuck me that hurts.
But what you did made me see..i tell you i love you, i know i do, and even though you have nothing, and really, you give me nothing..i still love you. But to be put in that position and be able to forgive someone for that amount of hurt, really makes you see how much you do love them, because the thought of being without them is worse than staying and putting up with the pain of being cheated on.
I knew then that i really did love you. I must do, or why would i have stayed, and tried so hard to forgive you?
Because being without you is worse than staying and trying harder.
As well as that i don't know how i would have explained it to the baby. What kind of example would i be setting? That if someone makes a mistake, you walk away? That if something takes work, it's time to leave.. that people have to be perfect? No. Since we have children, we also have to set an example to them..not that its right to be cheated on, or to cheat, or to argue or shout and swear at the person you are supposed to love..i want better than that for my kids, i don't want either of my boys to treat someone the way you have treated me, i don't want my daughter to put up with a man who does. DSS and DSD too, what do you think the people they see are teaching them about relationships?
What would i have taught them if i hadn't forgiven you..I'm not excusing what you did. It makes me angry to think about it, and upset that you would do that to me. But doing something bad once does not make you a bad person. You have to realise though that we may be teaching them that cheating is ok? Would you like to comfort DSD through finding out her partner has cheated on her while she is having a baby? How would that feel for you? Yet we are helping to teach them that this is right in a relationship.. how about if DSS shouts at his kids or threatens to smash his girlfriends face in in front of them? I know you wouldn't like it but thats what you do to me

I really thought i would never be able to forgive you. For anything and everything you keep doing, and have done.

But you have really surprised me, a lot. You really come through for me recently and especially when the baby was born.

So. Thank you for being there for me.
Thank you for being so supportive of everything i do, and not criticising me when i'm all fingers and thumbs with him even though you are so confident.
Thank you for making me laugh when i was in labour i don't think i will ever forget that lol. "Do you want me to smack your bottom" Funny
Thank you for not telling everyone about anything embarrassing i might have done or said :-D
Thanks for not being as useless as i thought you would be when i was in labour too omg i really thought you would just sit there doing nothing and was really nervous about it.
Thank you for cuddling me so much after he was born too and helping me do everything you did without making me feel embarrassed or anything, like helping me in the shower and stuff, that was really nice, being able to just relax and not worry about what you think, i know i can be myself with you.
Thank you for saying how beautiful he is and crying too.. bless you for not being an unemotional twat lol.
Thank you because even though you have all that shit going on at work you have still been kind and loving to us both even though i understand sometimes you will be grumpy about stuff and i want to let you know that is ok, you don't have to hold everything back, you know i back you and support you already, if you need to talk i will always listen even if i don't have the answer. I know you hold things back to stop yourself from being grumpy or mean to me.. just so you know, i really appreciate that even though i don't say anything.

Thank you for doing all those things and more and making me realise why and how much i love you. I really think i fell in love with you properly on friday, i mean truly and completely with nothing held back.

Thank you for wanting to name the baby after you. I am honoured to do it. :-)

Finally i would like to say...Thank you for giving me your baby. I will love him as much as i love you and protect him always. I will do my best too to make you happy so we will stay together and bring him up properly.
I really miss you today and wish you didn't have to go back but i am lucky because i have my own little bit of you to look after so i don't miss you so much as i would normally. I am glad i did let it go about that stuff before. I wouldn't want to be without you, ever. You are STILL a pain in the arse though..but..You are a wonderful dad and a brilliant partner.
I am glad i decided to forgive you. I didn't think i would be. But i am.

I love you. Very much. You are my world flower and i hope you know it. Please understand that i would never hurt you or cheat on you..why would i have forgiven everything you did and take you back if i was going to do that? Don't you think i would have just got another bloke then if thats what i was going to do? Please stop trying to push me away or expect that i will cheat or leave so you can say "See, i knew it, all women are bitches"
Because you should know by now i am going nowhere and all you are achieving is hurting me every day and hurting yourself and the kids too. You have to stop doing that. Please. Xxx

I have to say I'm really shocked and saddened by this 'letter'.

I repeat my original post:

Why are you with this man?

He cheated on you while you were pregnant, clearly doesn't trust you (if he doesn't trust you when you've just given birth to his son and are still recovering he never will) and worst of all he clearly has no respect for you.

This will only get worse - and you're clearly determined to allow him to do what he wahts. It's not good enough to say but I love him, thats a pathetic and feeble excuse to remain in a clearly unhealthy and potentially violent and dangerous relationship. Have you learnt nothing along the way?

I really really do feel sorry for you and hope so much it works out for you.

why are you forgiving him?

you are putting the children in the position of seeing the verbal abuse and hearing it

you are knowingly forgiving a cheat, liar and deceiver

your self esteem must be on the floor to take him back, when you clearly deserve much better

what are you getting out of this relationship?

am shocked that seeing it written down, you can still say you love and forgive him

'it dawned on me that it must have felt terrible for you to see me cry, to see me so upset and know that you caused it, and not be able to do anything to change it even if you wanted to. I realised that, although i felt really bad, no amount of being angry or blaming you would make it better.'

aargh.

it is not enough he supported you during labour, it is not enough he makes you laugh sometimes. because the rest of the time he treats you like meaningless dirt, when you are the mother of his child.

you have a choice to make right now, and it looks as though you are making hte wrong/unhealthy choice.

the more you forgive him, the more he will do to you

and then prove that all women are bitches/will leave/ are liars etc etc

but what he is in denial about,is that if there is a pattern in the way women are with him, is that it is to do ultimately with how he treats/mistreats them

that is the missing part of the puzzle that he can;t find. as it does not do him any good to look at himself and see what he really is

Stercus, your posts show an exceptional empathy for the feelings of others - you are obviously very insightful.

Can you turn that insight onto yourself? Why do you think you are so deeply attracted to people who hurt you? Why do you think this is all you deserve?

You DO sound like a strong person - you have survived a great deal and you are surviving this now. But why do you think you keep coming back to this? You know that you deserve more than this, and more importantly you must know that your children deserve more.

You are strong enough to get out of this situation. The question is, why don't you?

Oh Stercus

Reality I feel has put it very well.

Why?. Just why? What's in this dysfunctional relationship for you?. You truly think you deserve no better?.

He has truly done a bang up job on you hasn't he?. He's continued what your ex did - you've just gone from one abusive relationship into yet another. You probably don't think you can manage on your own. He is truly a master of manipulation and the sad thing is you allow (yes, allow) yourself to be manipulated and controlled by such an individual. You're a goldmine for someone like him; he hit paydirt when he met you.