A Rant.. My Bloody DP .... AGAIN Grrrrrrrr

[MyDPIsAPainInTheArse]

Ok i have namechanged for this one
Rant snarl thoughts about murder

This is going to sound really pathetic hence the namechange but bear with me please.

This morning i woke up after having a weird dream about a snake (burmese python, i know cos i used to have one when i was with ExP) i picked it up and put it in a carrier bag (odd) took it home, and it broke into the cage outside and ate my son's ferret (i love this ferret)

I woke up assuming weird dream is to do with me being stressed, and mostly stressed about ExP's recently reinstated contact with DS1. He used to be violent.

So i thought nothing of it, obv you have odd dreams when you are stressed, well i do.

Anyway. DP is working on a site not far from me, and phoned to say he had forgotten something. I drove there to take it to him. He then asked what i was dreaming about last night. So, bemused, and assuming i had said 'don't eat my ferret' or something, i told him.
He said then that i had said "Oh thats a big one, can i play with it as well?"
Then asked me who i was dreaming about in a v accusatory way

I have just had a baby and have been bleeding like billyo since i have NEVER thought about cheating on my DP despite the fact that he has on me, and i have forgiven him.
Its something i would just never do. Ok you can't control a dream, but IMO i would prolly have been dreaming about my DP in that case, i find him very attractive, and i admit i have been feeling very... shall we say frustrated.. can not WAIT till the sodding bleeding stops so i can jump him lol sorry TMI

BUT he has really pissed me off. So as well as this he also told me my breath stank of fags (i am a smoker, he is an ex smoker) then went in the back of the car and said to our DS 6 weeks old.. "Hello son, i'm your daddy. The first one."

Grrrrrrrrr
So then when i left he went to give me a kiss and not wanting to subject him to my ashtray gob i sort of gave him the corner of my mouth/side of my cheek to kiss.
He then chucked a wobbly.

So i got back home, and phoned him to ask, why he is always so fucking nasty (there are other things than this) and he flipped out at me asking who i am shagging so i responded by i promised never to do this ..... throwing at him that the reason he gave up smoking was so he could go and meet this woman WHILE I WAS PG and she didn't like smoking so he had given up, told him it was like he was rubbing my nose in his affair every time he crowed about giving up, and that i was pissed off.

He hung up the phone on me after saying 'whatever'.
I'm just so frikken pissed

I seriously want to strangle him.
Over a bloody dream ffs. And just to top it off i must say the only time i HAVE dreamed about sex with anyone it has always been with him cos despite him being a twat of the highest order sometimes, i do love him and find him very attractive

Sorry this has been long.. and daft. Thanks
Rant Over

the letter won;t work

becasue if he needs his abusive behaviour spelling out , he is no sort of man

but then he is told it is ok and he is forgiven, why should he change? his life is just grand, he can screw around, treat you like dirt and you come back for more , loving him more

get out of it now

he has already shown you how low he can go, but there is still the potential for physical abuse of you and the children.

well done for coming back to the thread

please make the choice for your children, if nt yourself.

i don;t know how old oyu are, but if you are 30, can you see the next 40 or so years with this man?

You need to think about your children here - there are reasons that your self esteem is so utterly low that not only are you allowing his man to treat you like this, but actually thanking him for it. You need to address these and ensure you don't plunge your children into an existence like this. All you are doing if you stay in this situation is consigning your kids to a miserable life with no hope - and you will have to take responsibility for that.

Hold your head up and walk away from this disgusting excuse for a human being - nobody deserves this. I really hope that one day the lights come back on in your head and you can see this in the cold light of day for exactly what it is.

Stercus, coming in on this thread a bit late but wanted to contribute. I agree with other posters that this is incredibly sad but unfortunately you are like so many other great women out there who have never experienced real happiness with a man and seem to think that they are only worthy of 'love' from men who treat you with no respect.

I thank my lucky stars that I don't have a similar personal experience to share however I want to tell you about my MIL. She is a lovely woman, now in her 50's and is married to a wonderful man who loves, respects and cares for her but it wasn't always like that. She has three children from different relationships, each one of those men treated her like crap, with one it was physical abuse against her and her children, one was an alcoholic and the other just treated her poorly, every single one of those men had affairs as well. She finally 'broke the cycle' after 25 years of lurching from bad relationship to bad relationship when her youngest child at 9 yrs old (the two eldest had left home by then) packed both their bags for them and told her that he was leaving even if she wanted to stay and it finally seemed to give her the jolt she needed. To an outsider looking in this family is now 'healed' and everything worked out okay but when you dig a bit deeper you find three grown up children who bear the scars of a childhood spent in the shadow of men who treated their mother with complete disdain. My DH (the eldest) is a wonderful father and husband (it seems to affected him in the way that he wants to provide the opposite experience for our DD's) but he spent years being incredibly angry at his mother for putting up with it and not taking him and his siblings out of the situation. He left home at 15 and spent years being out of contact with his family, and still has terrible dreams about coming face to face with one of his mum's husbands and killing him/beating him up. His sister is completely messed up, she has no self esteem and is currently in her second relationship with a really vile man (very good at looking like the perfect DH in public but horrible behind closed doors). His brother has problems with his temper and we all have fears about what seems like a pretty dysfunctional relationship with his girlfriend and their son. We've found out in the past couple of years since DH's grandfather died that he treated his Granny very badly so seems like my MIL had poor role models.

My MIL is full of regret, she can now see that she put these men first, before her children, and put all of her energy into trying to make these relationships work because she didn't see any other option. She thinks that she was weak, stupid and pathetic (her words) and is constantly trying to make it up to her kids by buying them stuff. It all came to a head a few years ago when we had DD1 (her first grandchild) and there was an outpouring of emotion from her as she felt she had never had the chance to be a 'proper mother' to her babies.

What I'm trying to say to you is don't let this go on for any longer, don't let yourself be in your 50s/60s/70s full of regret for a life wasted on awful men. Don't let your children be damaged by this, they might grow up with no issues but equally they may not and so the cycle will continue with their own children (your grandchildren). You can't be the best mother you could be while you put your energies into trying to salvage this relationship. I'm sorry but people like this don't change, they really, really don't. You have a tiny baby, it shouldn't be about him and his insecurities just now, it should just be about the two of you bonding with your child. You need to change, you need to show him that you will not be treated like this and I'll bet if you do he won't stick around for long as he'll be off to find another woman who he can treat like crap. Maybe you do love him and it will hurt like hell to be without him but you'll get through it and the pain will ease with time and one day you will be able to look back and the only emotion you will feel is relief that you got out. I really, really hope that you can be this strong for yourself and your children.

StercusAccidit you have had a lot of support and good advice on this thread. The letter you have written is mind-boggling frankly.

Sorry this is going to be harsh but you need to grow up and stop putting yourself first. The relationship you are describing sounds like a teenager writing about some school crush that treats her badly, You seem addicted to the drama and the ups and down. You have your children to think about now. PLEASE stop exposing them to this nonsense. You have already lost a daughter and you have not gone into the nitty gritty of that but social services obviously thought you were unable to protect her from your brother. You need top GROW UP and start protecting your children. Life is not about you anymore. You come across as intelligent and self-aware and very vulnerable but also to be honest, addicted to the drama of this 'love affair'. Stop being a victim, stand up for yourself and your children.

I would like to thank you all for your replies. As usual i admit none of you are being harsh just truthful and i wouldn't have posted this and expected any different. Seeing how you all respond is better for me than the only person i can really talk to which is SIL and she just goes along with him and his ways going 'oh its just DP's way'
So does his mother.
I think they have all accepted that he won't change but the more i have to do with them the more i realise they put up with him not because they have to, but because they helped to make him this way. Before i had our baby i guess i was willing to put in the effort to .. sorry about this i know i'm gonna get flamed.. 'fix him, and make hime better'
I know the potential is there you see. But he has worn me down IMO during my efforts to do it and now i am just a shell..i know i am. I look at myself sometimes and ask why the hell i am still here and WTF happened to the me from a few years ago who wouldn't have put up with ANY of this crap.

You are of course all right that i am putting him before my kids
I think when i got with him and he was the only one who has ever supported me through trying to get more contact with my DD and trying to get her back, and being so supportive and making me change the way i acted with SS, i think thats what kept me there, the times when he acts like an adult and is the first person really to do anything to help, outside of my family.
I hate that i only have bad stuff to write about him, obv the bad things are outweighing the good at the moment.
Please understand that he is a nice and good person a lot of the time.
The damage from his chilhood is obv still affecting him.

But i also have to put this where my kids are concerned..where his problems are still there, and i am running round and putting up with his crap trying to fix him and whatnot, i am creating the same problems for my kids.
Some OW will then go out with one of my DS's and the cycle will repeat itself and as a mum i can't let that happen.

Thank you all so much i have got a lot of things to think about now from this. I really appreciate all your input xx

Please don't beat yourself up for the way you feel i.e. "Fix him and make him better", you have just said the same thing as thousands of women do all the time "If only I could change/help him to change..." but unfortunately it doesn't work like that. I appreciate that he may have had a difficult upbringing but he is an adult and needs to deal with that and take responsibility for his behaviour. I'm sure I'm repeating others here but plenty of people have horrible childhoods and grow up to be well adjusted, good people. I'm sure that he is nice sometimes but it takes a lot of effort to be 100% nasty all of the time and even the worst people can be extremely nice at times. The fact of the matter is that in a good relationship there is no behaviour such as that you have described, okay so you may argue with your partner from time to time but not in the way you describe. I'm sad for you because you obviously have no experience of how good it can be when you are in a healthy relationship so can't see how wrong yours is, hopefully the comments on this thread can help you see that your situation is abnormal and one day you'll experience great love and affection from a partner and give it in return.

But why do you have this urge to "fix" damaged men? Is it because the thought of trying to fix yourself is just a step too far for you?

Susie is right, you sound like a teenager when you talk about your DP. Please, focus on your children before they become as damaged as you clearly are.

Please leave this man and don't get into another relationship until you have had in-depth counselling to work out what motivates you to love men who treat you so badly, and to make them into an obsession to the exclusion of everyone else including your own children.

I'm sorry I sound so harsh, but I am only a couple of years older than you and your thread has been haunting me. I have to say, I felt sick when I read your letter.

You seem like such a bright, empathic, warm and insightful woman. Please don't throw yourself and your children away.

I hope you can take all this on board and let it give you some resolve to do what you need to.

Bellebelle, what you wrote was so moving - I hope that Stercus remembers it and keeps it with her x

Thank you.
Took a lot of good talking to's off my mum and friends before i left my exP and i only did it when i realised it was affecting my kids.

I obv stupidly blanked the effect that a non violent relationship would have on them as well.
I know they will be affected by the arguments and the constant put downs they see me take will probably make DS2 think its the right way to conduct a relationship
DS1 won't change the way he is, he was lucky enough to be brought up for three years without seeing anything bad and knows people should be treated with respect.

I think DP read the email although he hasn't said anything yet. Cooked tea last night and was very loving and spoke to me properly today.
Problem is thats what he always does when i have kicked up a fuss and he soon goes back to normal, even i can tell that from my previous posts where i have been like 'I said this and now he's being 'lovely ' and not a day later i'm back where i started.

I just feel really worn out.
Thank you all for being honest and i don't think anyone is being harsh at all including you dollius, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind you know and i know you are being helpful so thanks

'DS1 won't change the way he is, he was lucky enough to be brought up for three years without seeing anything bad'

I think you are still kidding yourself if you think that just becase your son had 3 good years not witnessing abuse, that itcan't affect him now.

do yourself a favour and google 'co-dependent'.

You're not listening to us.

You are reflecting back what we are saying to make us think you are listening to us.

This is a common technique used by counsellors to build trust, and I have noticed how insightful you are.

You think saying you know this is wrong is enough and will make us go easy on you.

It isn't.

You have to act.

But you know that. It's why you keep coming back here even though you don't really want to hear what we are saying.

Please listen to sense - you owe it to your kids to put them first this time.

don;t wait until he puts you in hospital , or one of the children

don;t wait until they see you used as a punchbag

you have nothing to lose and everything to gain, not least your self esteem by being brave and strong and leaving him

your boys will otherwise grow up with a very sad idea of what a relationship is , and what being a father and partner means

Dollius you are right in a way.
I don't really want to hear it. I have to, but i don't want to. But as well i couldn't not come back and read these posts after people have gone to so much effort to reply and some in a lot of detail.
Lets face it none of you are going to say 'well done for putting your kids feelings needs and wants after that of a blokes' are you. And no one is going to say what a good job i am doing putting up with a shitty relationship

I packed his stuff the other day and when i did it, i was fuming and i meant it. Just, i am not a cruel person and good natured so find it very hard to STAY angry. If i did i suppose it would work better. My heart wouldn't be in it at the moment though, no matter how i think of my kids..i know that sounds awful..i can't put it in exactly the way i feel as i am not speaking, typing it out makes it look shit. I have been at the point in the past where i have spectacularly thrown an ex out and all his clothes which he didn't come to collect ended up making a very nice garden bonfire for the kids. I just haven't got to that point. He cheated when i felt most vulnerable and dependent.

Please understand that the letter above was written when i had just had the baby and i had just added bits to it before sending it. I told him i had meant to send it but never had.
I was at the lowest of the low when i suddenly woke up and got angry with my ex's i am a bit naive i guess tbh, my first partner, my DD's dad, was my first bf, and i stayed with him for six years, splitting with him when my DD was six months old, as he had got increasingly violent and i could not put up with MIL interfering either and making me feel like a crap mother. My DD won't have contact with him as he told the SS last year when she had absconded that she was at my sisters, she hasn't forgiven him for that at all. "What kind of dad grasses up their DD for being with their family?" she asked me. He thinks she is better off in care and does not hide the fact that 'if he can't have her i shouldn't'
My second partner i got with not long after this, and had my DS1 with him. We were together nearly 10 years and each and every day passed with some level of violence towards me, the details of which i still can't go into despite intensive counselling.
He got dumped when he shouted at me that i was a shit mum and my DD being abused by my brother was my fault for allowing him to babysit. He also not long after the split had my DS after school and assaulted him. Up until recently there was no contact since early 2004.
Now he has supervised contact.
Then i was three years alone and healing (IMO) when i met a lovely man who basically found out via a family friend that my DD was abused and all he did was ask me about it, and i flipped in anger and dumped him. Following this i met my ExP phil, who i was very happy with or so i thought, he supported me through court and also helped me after i had a nervous breakdown.
I suppose all that stress led him to cheat on me and i found out when the OW walked up to me and started ranting about how 'i wouldn't let him go' ??? I didn't even know about you love, i replied.
So, i buggered him off.
Not looking for another partner i started chatting to my now DP, who i had refused to speak to as i thought he was married and trying it on, plus i told him i had a partner, which i did.
He asked me out, i liked him a lot and he was very attentive and loving, also he had had a rough time of it, and there the rest is history.

Sorry this post has been so long but i hope someone can psychoanalyze me lol .. I think i feel guilty for not providing DD and DS1 with a good dad, and i also have a lovely DSD and DSS who i adore and worry about losing.

I know this man is capable of being nice, ok i know they all are, and yes, it may have been a mask in the beginning, which has now slipped. I guess i keep hoping that man will come back as i have said before. I keep thinking of where it all went wrong and i would love to be able to sit and hammer it out with him, but he just feels i am nagging or getting at him so loses his temper and storms off instead of listening and talking.

I do feel at the end of my tether tbh. Its just finding that anger at how we are being treated and following it through.

the man you fell in love with is not capable of being a steady , loving man, he has shown that, and for some reason, you feel compelled to save him.

you can;t do it

he has to take responsibility for his actions

you did not force him to hit you/abuse you/ sleep with another woman

you are going to be his rescuer, save him from himslef , be the one that shows him the light, that not all women are nasty bitches..

except it only works if the person wants to be saved

he has no reason to change his behaviour, the worse he treats you, the harder you try, the more you love him

he wins

he gets to treat you like shite, sleep with whomever else he wants and you come back for more

first thing i would do, after slinging him out, is get legal advice

then counselling, to rebuild your self esteem , which must be so very very low to put up with this for more than a minute

do this for you and oyur children

I'm not sure that you really need to be angry, tbh.maybe that is part of the problem? You would do better to make arrangements calmly and rationally, even if it with a heavy heart, and choose to reject the drama that has characterised events so far in your life. It is possible to get everything in place and just go, you know. You can tell him later why. Or not - he would have to be pretty dense not to know.

Personally I favour making your plans, clearing out, and sending him a solicitor's letter setting out contact arrangements at a neutral venue.

If it is psychoanalysis you want, I would guess that somewhere in your childhood you have been made to feel a failure for not supporting an abusive adult, and you have spent your adult life trying to make "amends" by trying to "fix" other damaged adults.

That would be why the more this man hurts you, the more you express love for him, and the less he respects you and, probably, himself for acting this way. Somewhere in your subconscious, you feel it is your duty to do this. That doing this will make you "good".

It is such an overwhelming need you have to succeed at this, that it overrides everything else - even the needs of your children.

This will be a pattern you have repeated over and over and will explain why you have been treated badly in every relationship you have been in. You behave like a doormat and you end up being treated like one.

Using myself as an example. My mother would confide in me and weep on my shoulder about my father's affairs from when I was as young as 8. Of course, I couldn't help her because I was a child, so I felt like a failure. I spent most of my teens and 20s building ridiculous friendships with other women, where they would rely on me for emotional support and end up taking me for granted and expecting too much from me, and then the relationships would break down - because the support I was offering was inappropriate and impossible to maintain, just like with my mother when I was a child. But it felt familiar so I kept repeating it.

I don't do it any more. But it took a lot of counselling to work out what was going wrong in my friendships and to understand how to change it.

Do you think you could have been similarly affected by your relationship with a parent/carer/other significant adult in your childhood?

Does this ring any bells with you at all? I could be way off the mark, of course.

i havent read every post here.... but ....

i think you started a v long thread about your dp's treatment of you and his own kids quite recently didnt you (but with a different name)??

IF i am right then this is a repeating and destructive pattern. the whole relationship sounds damaging and abusive. you are a victim of his appaling and completely unacceptable behaviour, but more importantly so are your dcs.

you have had masses of good advice on here, but nothing changes.... not his behaviour, not your attitude to your situation, not your choosing to put this twunt before yourself and your dcs safety and happiness.

so, i do feel sorry for you... but honestly i also feel quite angry with you.... for putting up with this and allowing your children to be exposed to this dysfunctional crap. they have no choices. you do.

i am amazed at the sheer amount of time and energy you seem to be putting into thinking about this excuse for a man.... emotional energy that would be 1000x better given to your dcs. your baby is only 6 weeks old ffs.

you need to wise up and kick your co-dependent ways. get some support in real life and make some big decisions. put your dc first.

Hiya i am ok thanks
Tired but he's been @ work so i have been to my sisters.. always feel like i could take the world on after spending the day with her lol so i feel so much better..
I guess i already know i should end this relationship. Or i wouldn't keep asking questions about it or having a rant. I really think i'm just looking for the courage to end it.
I come back here because i do appreciate the effort everyone is putting in to respond to me bless them, and because i HATE it when someone posts then never comes back.
I feel a bit odd..you know how it is when you feel a thunderstorm coming.. sorry i know that sounds weird.
Will come back later and write what i really want to cos he keeps on faffing round me at the moment and being nice. I think he knows somethings up.
xxx

Good luck, I hope you get a chance to come back!

i'm glad you're ok sa, and that today's been better for you.

Thank you

Dollius, yes, i have to admit it does ring bells flower tbh.
I have got a lot of friends that cry on my shoulder.
I feel able to try and help support them as i believe because i have actually experienced it personally, i am in the best and worst position to be in.
I explain : Best because i can REALLY understand and be empathetic and FEEL the pain of the person i am talking to.
Worst for the same reason really. I feel their pain and there is where i become too emotionally involved. Get what i mean?

My mum, yes, she cried on my shoulder, blamed me, hit me, rejected me, for dad cheating with her best friend, for him leaving, for finding out (i had apparently told her) for all the men who hit her, for not being able to stop them, for trying to stop them, for not looking after my brothers and sister properly while she was at work, for being late for school, for being stupid, for not being good enough, for being ME

So, desperate for love and affection, and with a mother who didn't care where i was or if i was safe, or who i was with, i sought solace in walks to the nearby fields where i would feed the horses that were there (i so desperately wanted one lol) or 'herd' the cows in the fields behind, much to the farmers annoyance It was here i first met the man who abused me.
It was also during this time that i began to have contact with my dad again after many years of not seeing him.
I was 'busy' herding the cows one day when a man came over to me and asked if i liked ferrets. My grandad used to keep them and i was desperate for one so i said yes when he asked me if i would like one.
They were in a shed, he said, at the back of his house.
Long story short, as i leaned over to find the best one, he grabbed me, forced me to the floor and raped me. I was 12.
Before this i realise how lucky i was as i had had many 'near misses' ... the man, having pulled his trousers up and left me on the floor crying, grabbed me and said, "Well, aren't you going to choose one?" as if he had done nothing wrong. I picked up the one i had had my eyes on all the time he was doing what he did, because it seemed it had looked at me with great sadness, as if it cared for my wellbeing.
(I did keep and love that ferret very much until my DD's father killed it in a fit of jealousy)
The man told me to never tell anyone or he would come and take the ferret away. Then he said i had to come up and see him again. Now, this is going to sound awful, but he hugged and kissed me...i was 'loved' and therefore hooked.
I continued to go and see him as a way out of seeing my mother get beaten by her partner, and of bringing up my siblings.
He was always nice to me after that initial encounter, and i confided a lot of things to him, not knowing how it would be used against me.
"Tell and the police will come and take you into care," he often said. "They will believe me, i'm an adult, you are only a child."
"Even if they did believe you, i would just say it was your mum's partner, and they would both get put in prison."

So it continued, that he was nice to me, until my 13th birthday came and went, and i spent the week in bed, ill.
I was being bullied at school for being so tall.. i attempted suicide, and got given a psychologist to talk to. Having read the notes at the time, i see she wanted to have me taken into care. I told her i felt ill. Food tasted like glue, and i couldn't keep it down.
HE KNEW ... it wasn't an illness. It was a baby.

He took me for a walk one day, when we were far enough away for no one to see, he started hitting me. He kicked me. All the time i was asking, what had i done wrong?
He didn't reply, kicking and punching my tummy until i felt as if something broke inside me. I stood up, shaking, and i felt as if my insides had fell out and slithered down my legs.
After that he very rarely had sex with me without pulling out before he came.
My dad had me one weekend out of desperation, no one knew what was wrong with me, why i had attempted suicide, why i got into a fight with a person unknown and hadn't left my room since coming home.
That weekend we went to visit one of my dads friends.
"It must be catching", i thought, as he climbed into bed next to me. And i actually thought it was right, as he was my dads friend.
I thought, they all knew what was happening to me and they were letting it happen. I know now this wasn't right but in my childs mind...it was all i knew.
I wondered if the psychologist knew i was pregnant.
I assumed she must, as she seemed to have worked out everything else without me telling her. The fact i didn't feel loved, that my mum used to hit me.
Anyway, i soon got rid of her. She used to come when i had finished school, and john was starting to get worried about not seeing me, even coming to the school to warn me not to tell.
I told her 'everything was ok, i was happy, the world was wonderful' and a few weeks later she was gone.
The abuse continued until i met my DD's father, i had moved to a new area, so it was hard for john to find me, i felt safe, but continued to go and see him until the fact i had missed so much school caught up with me and i gave up even going there.
I got PG with my DD and she was and is my world. I looked at her for signs that she was his baby, and saw none.

And so there you have it. My life up until i had my DD.
Of course i'm not fucked up
I'm sorry that was v painful and i suppose it will not be easy to read but it feels better getting it out. I'm not afraid to talk about it any more. I no longer have nightmares or visions when sleeping with a partner, where i open my eyes and its him.
Yes, my DP knows i was abused but its just a word to him. I have never explained it in full.
I am afraid if i do he will use it to hurt me one day like my EXP (DS's father) did.
Already DP has had a go at me for not telling him that it was my brother who abused my DD, despite the fact i had only just met him, (not something you announce to a new P is it) and the fact i told him as soon as i felt able. His kids were never in any danger as my brother no longer has contact with our family except my mother.

Erm.. the end?