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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Being a "high end" sex worker and what it means/involves

404 replies

OFFS · 02/03/2009 03:16

I have another thread going, in which dittany has suggested that I am a male fantasist, and therefore a liar. She says this because I have said that I am a prostitute, and generally enjoy my work, though it is not without problems. I have started this thread so that those of you who have questions about "high end" (SBG's phrase, not mine) prostitutes can ask me, directly, any questions you might have.

Please note that I am not a street-worker, I do not work in a brothel, and I have no pimp. My clients approach me via email - I do not hang out in hotel bars, and I require at least 24 hours notice of an appointment. I have no knowledge or personal experience of these other aspects of sex work.

I choose which clients I see, and can walk out at any time. I am not trafficked or abused, and have never had a violent client in eight years. I pay my taxes like any other self-employed businesswoman. I do not have any addiction to any illegal drugs, and I always use condoms with my clients. I have regular check-ups at my local GUM. While I have no direct knowledge of parlour/sauna/brothel work, I do have trusted prostitute friends with that experience, and I will do my best to furnish the information you require.

Please also note that I am not qualified or experienced enough to discuss women who are trafficked, abused, drug-addicted or so forth. I can, and am willing, to discuss my own life - I am not responsible for others.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 02/03/2009 15:21

Very good point there Headfairy! I hadn't thought of that. I thought the email went to her professional site?

Beanieb, I don't know how interested I am either tbh, but I lost my job last week, and DP brought a jar of coppers round for us to count out last night to buy petrol, so I am probably just hanging out on a controversial thread to escape my own "ishoos" today

KerryMumbles · 02/03/2009 15:23

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsMattie · 02/03/2009 15:23

Oh, and I am for women as well as against the sex industry. I have friends who have worked as lap dancers in the past and we are still friends. I would never tell an intelligent woman in control of her life not to do something she chooses to do. But I would say 'think about the wider implications - and don't get cocky just because you have been alright so far'. It's not a healthy or safe career option. No amount of dressing it up as Julia Roberts meets Richard Gere will change that fact.

BitOfFun · 02/03/2009 15:26

Hmm , maybe it wouldn't be a good career move then...I've just realized that my last post makes me look like I'm considering it

OFFS · 02/03/2009 15:30

OK, lots of questions. I'll try to address them in order. I'm starting this right after MrsMattie's "Belle du Jour" 14:16 post, so if there are cross-posts I'll get to you next.

HolyGuacamole, there are young, gorgeous women flying round the Arab states and charging incredibly high fees - I'm not one of them. Rather than "high end" I'm kind of more middle-market, say a BMW 5 series rather than a Koenigsegg, but definitely not a Skoda.

warthog I started by looking around online, and set my fees the same way - what were other women, similar to me (in terms of age, looks etc) charging? I still only advertise online, and offer GFE (Girlfriend Experience). I don't offer very short sessions because I wouldn't feel comfortable but don't look down on those who do.

BBBee the worst thing about my job is that I can't talk about it openly and honestly. Apart from my WG friends and my husband, no-one knows what I do.

LucyEllensmummy Sadly, no, not all of my clients are gorgeous businessmen, very few in fact. But I meet my clients in their hotel rooms or at their homes, by prior appointment, so they're all clean and fresh, and that counts for a great deal. I also use very strong mouthwash immediately before, so if they do have bad breath I can't taste it.

I'm not sure I'm very successful at separating sex with clients from sex with DH, that's one of the reasons I had to start my other thread.

I don't really service clients with more extreme needs, I'm very, very vanilla (don't even have bumsex!) but I'm not sure what you mean by "proper perverts". To me, if two consenting adults choose to engage in a sexual activity, however bizarre it might seem to me, it's up to them. There are arguments amongst the industry that WGs who do schoolgirl role-play are somehow encouraging paedophiles, but again, to me, there's a huge difference between the body of a prepubescent and a grown woman, and no paedophile would be interested in the latter.

Sometimes I orgasm at work, sometimes I don't.

Prostitution is legal, and employing the services of a prostitute is also legal under current legislation. Soliciting - hanging round street corners - is not legal, and kerb crawling is also illegal. Running a brothel - which is any property used by more than one prostitute for the purposes of selling sex - is illegal.

Regular clients can sometimes become difficult emotionally, and the only way to handle that is to stop seeing them. It's only happened to me once, my other regulars are more like (paying) fuck-buddies iyswim. Friends, but not a threat to my relationship with DH.

HecatesTwopenceworth, like any other self-employed woman, I pay taxes on my earnings, less expenses (petrol, condoms and lubricants, mostly - I can't claim for nice lingerie because Mr Taxman says I can use them other than when I'm working.) "Living off immoral earnings" would have applied to my DH and adult DC but is no longer an offence - the relevant words now are "controlling for gain". I describe myself to HMCR as an "escort" because I don't like the word "prostitute".

FannyWaglour sometimes I orgasm, sometimes I don't, and sometimes I fake it. Just like RL, really. I don't see women because I don't fancy women and frankly wouldn't know what to do, and choose my clients through their polite emails. Anyone who is rude, disrespectful or uses txtspk I ignore.

vezzie I personally don't use pornography, but I have nothing against it. Some of my clients are in relationships, some are not, and I'm very average-looking. I enjoyed sex before I started and think I'm "good at it" - it's more to do with being comfortable, I think, than any technical ability. And yes, my clients treat me with respect or I get the hell out of there. (I recognise that there are many vile men out there, but I can honestly say that they couldn't even pay me to have sex with them.)

LindenAvery The only sexual abuse in my past was that I was raped by my boyfriend as a 14 year old virgin. I use additional contraception as well as condoms, and any sensible regular punter will get tested too - but I can't make them, and in any case an STD check is only "good" until you next have sex. Having said that, I've never contracted any STD and have never heard from any client that they have.

TBH, I don't think about my client's marital status most of the time - I'm not being unfaithful to their partners, they are, and that's their responsibilty. I don't approach them and offer myself, they have sought me out, and made an appointment in advance. And you're absolutely right that I'm being hypocritical when it comes to my DH having sex with someone else, and I can't help it.

beanieb I know what you mean about clothes - I have a whole separate wardrobe for work and for "me". I am sometimes asked to dress casually, in jeans for example, and feel very uncomfortable with the crossover.

dittany I can understand that a man might feel uncomfortable that his DW was having fun sex with other men, but I wouldn't want to be married to a man who'd prefer that I was having a really bad, abused time at work. You're right that it's "Mr Average Joe" - not all clients are the scum of the earth, and not one of mine is.

expatinscotland I don't intend to be "smug" and of course, I'm a whore just the same as a street worker. But I am not beaten, abused and pimped the way most streetworkers are, and I have much more choice whether to see someone or not. This doesn't make me any "better" than her, but surely you can see the difference?

OP posts:
MrsMattie · 02/03/2009 15:32

Here's a Q for you:

If your daughter came home and said 'Mum, guess what? I've got a new job! I'm a... 'high end' sex worker!' - what would you say? Or rather, what would you think? Really?

HeadFairy · 02/03/2009 15:40

Crikey OFFS you glossed over being raped at 14 rather fast. Do you think that has influenced your choice of profession? Has it made you view men differently, as sources of income or something to be used but not really loved? You may think this isn't true of your relationship with your dh, but surely the impact of your line of work and your past has to affect your relationship. If it doesn't I'd say you were really in some kind of terrible denial.

dittany · 02/03/2009 15:40

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsMattie · 02/03/2009 15:40

...sorry OFFS, but had to laugh at you not doing blokes who write in txtspk! lol

DaddyJ · 02/03/2009 15:43

Offs, one thing that I find curious:

You don't focus on any specialist niches,
you are in your late 30s and you say not outstandingly pretty -
what is your take on the level of demand for your services?

What do you think drives the demand for you?
I don't mean demand for paid sex
but specifically paid sex with someone like yourself.

OFFS · 02/03/2009 15:43

Takes deep braeth

OP posts:
HeadFairy · 02/03/2009 15:46

Much as I don't want to criticise the op for her choices if they are indeed her choices, I'm inclined to side with Dittany on this one, your childhood rape OP must have had some bearing on your decision to become an escort and if you extrapolate, it must have some bearing on your relationship with your dh (sorry, I know you say your problems with him are dealt with, but I can't see how you can fix something so complicated so quickly - and to me it is complicated)

There aren't many people who can compartmentalise their lives so effectively (ie sex with my dh is totally different to sex with clients) other than those who have suffered some kind of abuse and have learnt to shut that side of their phsyche down.

HeadFairy · 02/03/2009 15:46

Oi cheeky, don't call journos sleazy

Seriously, think about taking up writing for a career!

LucyEllensmummy · 02/03/2009 15:48

OFFS - that is a very frank and thorough answer - are you having a quiet day? Hey, thats a point, are you affected by the credit crunch? Seriously!

Thanks for answering my Qs by the way.

Mind you, you do realise you will be banished from mumsnet for not doing bumsex - we're all at it!

BitOfFun · 02/03/2009 15:52

Blimey DaddyJ, you don't pull any punches do you? You obviously have a way with the laydeez

I imagine the GFE thing answers that? Men who want this presumably don't want a quickie with a Twinkie, but a compartmentalised version of a "date", perhaps without the strings of an affair?

DaddyJ · 02/03/2009 15:54

I did not mean to be disrespectful!
Just looking at it from a strict business perspective.
As one should in this business.

I am genuinely curious what drives the demand,
particularly for this 'girlfriend experience'.

KerryMumbles · 02/03/2009 15:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dittany · 02/03/2009 16:03

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BitOfFun · 02/03/2009 16:06

In your opinion, not necessarily always true. What about men who pay women to walk over their crown jewels in stilettos?

KerryMumbles, I don't think OFFS said she had a face like a bag of spanners either, to be fair

OFFS · 02/03/2009 16:07

MrsMattie, I don't have a daughter, but if I did and if she wanted, as an adult, to become a sex worker, I'd try to make sure she kept as safe as possible. Really.

HeadFairy I'm sorry if I "glossed over" being raped, but I don't really see that giving detail would help. I know it had an impact on me - it's why I became promiscuous as a teenager, and having been promiscuous it was easier to become a WG, but there were over 30 years between the events and it's only happened once. I wasn't regularly abused by anyone, and I'm still not.

DaddyJ I don't appeal to everyone, nor do I want to, but my clients are predominantly older men who are either not in relationships or who are in sexless relationships but don't want to leave their wives. One chap, for example, has a wife he absolutely adores, but unfortunately she suffers from early-onset dementia and is in a semi-conscious state in hospital. She won't recover. He feels that having a "proper" relationship with a woman would be betraying his wife, but still likes female company (and sex). Another is a single man who likes his own space and doesn't want to share his life with anyone on a fulltime basis, but does want occasional company (and sex). Yet another has a disfiguring disability and no "real" woman has so far (over 40 years) looked at him as a sexual being, but he still has testosterone and a job that gives him the resources to purchase that which he cannot get for free. My clients are men who like women and the company of women, rather than seeking a "ball-emptying" porn experience. I know I could make a lot more money by being less selective, by having a property for "incall" (I work outcall only - I visit clients rather than them visiting me) and by offering shorter appointments, but I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that, so I don't.

Sex work can be very emotionally draining and I think it's important for my mental health to stick with what I'm happy with. And anyway, it keeps me below the VAT limit.

OP posts:
MrsMattie · 02/03/2009 16:08

Looks mean nothing.

When I lived in an area of London where street prostitution was rife, I often used to wonder who these men were that would pay to have sex with these women/girls? The vast majority had very obvious alcohol, drug and/or mental health problems. Most of them looked dirty. Many were emaciated. Broken teeth, ripped clothes, generally manky looking. Yet if I happened to be out late at night and witnessed the shenanigans, the cars stopping were often BMWs and Mercs. 'Respectable' men with jobs and money, paying (often teenage) crackheads for a blowjob.

Absolutely disgusting.

MrsMattie · 02/03/2009 16:11

I am no prude. I am probably a lot less 'vanilla' in my sexual tastes than you@OFFS. So I don't come at this from some sort of Mary Whitehouse perspective....

But I cannot for the life of me imagine being anything other than devastated and heartbroken if my daughter, sister, mother became a prostitute.

I would think something somewhere had gone very badly and sadly wrong.

LucyEllensmummy · 02/03/2009 16:15

If i thought that my DD would garner for herself the same lifestyle as billie piper as a prostitute, id be happy for her - but that was a work of fiction and im actually just reading the book - Belle seems very damaged to me Its easy for me to say this as my DD1 is 18 and would so not be a prostitute (shes a prude!). So i can't give a balanced perspective - i think we all love our children no matter what.

Mrs mattie, what you describe is horrible and sickening, i am sure OFFs would agree - that is the reason why i want to see prostitution legalised and regulated.

LucyEllensmummy · 02/03/2009 16:16

not that i think billie piper is a prostitute - lol..

OFFS · 02/03/2009 16:18

LucyEllensmummy, I don't work every day, and yes, the credit crunch is affecting my business too.

DaddyJ, I didn't read you as disrespectful, and of course there are many men who pay for sex with gorgeous young things, and to them, that's the point. Other men, however, don't want to sit in a restaurant with said gorgeous young thing and have all the other diners sniggering that he's obviously paying for her. I look like I could quite reasonably be a legitimate partner. And I have good conversational skills too, which is important for my clients.

OP posts: