Massive row has erupted over something so small

[Geetar]

I've namechanged for this as some of you know me in real life.

I have four boys aged 17, 15, 10 and 7. A few weeks ago DH pulled me up saying that I 'baby' the kids and they should be doing more for themselves. Especially putting their own clothes away.

I agree, especially about the older ones but as I explained to DH, its just much easier for me to put everyones clothes away at the same time whilst they're at school. Especially as I'm at home all day.

He disagreed and said I was making excuses. I just told him I would continue to do it my way, if he wanted to give up his job and become a house husband whilst I worked, he could run the house his way.

So from then on, everytime he saw a pile of fresh ironing he just swiped all the clothes onto the floor. Then whilst I picked them up he would say "see, if the kids were doing their own clothes, you wouldn't be down there now picking them up, would you?"

I told him he was a smug, stubborn and immature idiot and if he did it again I would stop washing and ironing HIS clothes. He went in a major strop and stormed upstairs and raked all of the clothes out of the drawers and threw them all down the stairs.

From that point on I stopped washing and ironing his clothes.

So this morning when he got up for work, he had no clean shirts. He asked why and I reminded him what I'd said and what he'd done and he went nuts and punched the door, called me a fucking imbecile and smashed a mug before calling in sick.

He has not spoken to me all day. I don't understand why such little disagreements have to erupt into such massive rows. I don't think I was in the wrong totally?

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I don't expect OP to do as she is told FGS.

Many of you are quite happy to lay into men who do not pull their weight around the house. The reason they don't pull their weight around the house is because they have been spoilt by their mothers who claim that it is easier for them to do it themselves. So what if it is easier? Anytime anybody does something for the first time, it is difficult and the person teaching will probably think it is easier for them to do it. But how does that help the person who needs to learn?

I was ironing clothes for the whole family when I was 8yo. By the time I was 9yo, I was good at it because I had plenty of practice. Habits do not form overnight and the OP, imo, needs to give her DS the chance to learn to do more for themselves.

Her DH needs to find other ways other expressing his anger because that is not atm, he is not the kind of role model his sons need in terms of expressing their fustration.

Both parents need to stop squabbling and start communicating in order to raise their sons together.

I'm not disputing that. I am disputing the fact that she won't allow her DSs to learn to look after themselves.

All of you saying that she is behaving immaturely by not washing his clothes are MAD.

She is simply withdrawing her labour in the face of outrageous, belittling, contemptuous (and contemptible) behaviour. How would YOU negotiate with someone who did such things?

I'm very sorry OP.

Well their father thinks it is and presumably he gets more say than some random stranger on the internet.

Oh no actually, he gets no say at all.

dittany - she escalated it when she told him that if he wanted a say in whether or not they brought up a pair of spoilt lazy brats he had to give up work and look after them full time.

Throwing the washing around is really childish, but you are making up the bit about him expecting his wife to pick it up. You've no idea what he expected.

There is something so controlling about doing everything for your children because it is "easier".

The OP didn't say her dp expected her to pick up the laundry he threw on the floor, but she doesn't sound like the sort of person who'd just leave it lying there, and I expect that he traded on that assumption.

A 17 year old who doesn't put away his own laundry is an embarrassing disgrace, and I saw that as a former 17 year old who didn't put away my own laundry.

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Stayingsunnygirl

Quite. I still don't think you can assume he was trying to humiliate her. I think that he may have been trying, in a very cackhanded way, to make a point to a spouse that never listens to him.

Anyway, the OP seemed to have been written to elicit lots of "poor you, your husband is an abuser and he is totally in the wrong and you are totally in the right" responses, and she's got that.

LOL Reality.

Bloss...fair enough, she did slightly belittle him by the sounds of it. So he humilated her. And then was extremely aggressive. Trust me, he is setting a FAR worse example to his sons that she is.

And some of you think this is ok, or at least, explicable. That's terrifying.

Charity: no one has said his behaviour is okay or "explicable".

The competitive outrage on this thread is extraordinary.

I would be very interested to hear Geetar's response to all the posts she has elicited and I hope she comes back. She's had a ton of support and I'd love to know what she has decided to do.

I think OP needs to tell us about other incidents as I would be suprised if this was the first of its kind

I must admit i do the putting away round here atm myself but i'm here all day and DP and DS1 are not.. not that if i asked them to they wouldn't.. sometimes its just quicker.. and in the case of DS1 if i didn't put it away it would end up smelling like ferret because he takes the bloody thing (i love it really) to his room and lets it mooch while he's putting stuff away

Its no biggie to just do it but IMO its no longer about putting the washing away its about control and getting his own way..lol @ solid's comment about worried his cock will fall off if he doesn't get his own way

I think that Geetars DH is totally out of order.

I agree that he has behaved like a bully and certainly seems jealous of his children.

At the same time (I always try to look for the best in people, big fault sometimes) maybe is having some kind of life crisis (job redundancy maybe?).

Do men get jealous of their teenage sons?

I know my dad is a lot "nicer" to me than my DB.

However, I think OP's DH behaviour has gone too far and he should apologise and recognise how OTT he has been.

The OP is putting away clothes for her 17 and 15yo sons. Forward 10 years and the partners of these said men will come on MN bemoaning the fact that they do nothing in the house unless they are nagged. Cue outraged Mumnetters wading in calling these men, useless, feckless, waste of space, should be castrated blah, blah, blah.

OP needs to realise that her boys need to grow up.

(Please note me saying this does not negate or ignore the unacceptable, abusive behaviour of her DH because I know some of you will think, unreasonably, that this is the case, even though I have said previously that his behaviour was wrong).

Mintyy - this thread has lots of people who clearly do find his behaviour 'explicable' - he has been undermined in the running of the home.

Honestly - I haven't amped up my response to join in with this thread. The idea of treating your wife like this is staggering. If I think of my Dad (a man with a hot temper) treating my mum like this I feel horrified.

And I am shocked to see all this mithering about what these boys will be like to live with in 10 years. I wonder what they'll learn from their father.

Actually I think it is the surrendered wives who are the ones most defending the woman's right to rule unopposed in her rightful territory of the home and control her household by doing all the chores so they all depend on her.

I work for a living and if anyone ever told me that that meant I had given up a say in how my children were raised I'd be furious.

I did say in an earlier post on that he was not a good role model for his sons btw and just because some of us dare comment on the other issues other than DH's outrageous behaviour does not mean, we think his bullying is any less important. It is possible to decouple all the issues and look at them independently you know.

Personally, I'm shocked that one cannot see that there is something wrong with a 17 and 15yo having their Mummy put away all their clothes. What will they learn from that also?

Both parents have issues they need to address imo.

LOL dittany you are more than welcome to come around to my house and throw clothes around

You can join in with my 11 month old daughter. In this house we call it "helping"

Right I'm over this one. Either SBG is right and this woman disdains her husband because he is an arsehole, in which case I guess they are heading for a divorce, or she still loves him and spokette is right and they need to talk and both admit where they've gone wrong to end up here.

Or something else. I guess we'll never know unless Geetar comes back to tell us and I've a feeling this thread hasn't quite gone how she wanted.