Massive row has erupted over something so small

[Geetar]

I've namechanged for this as some of you know me in real life.

I have four boys aged 17, 15, 10 and 7. A few weeks ago DH pulled me up saying that I 'baby' the kids and they should be doing more for themselves. Especially putting their own clothes away.

I agree, especially about the older ones but as I explained to DH, its just much easier for me to put everyones clothes away at the same time whilst they're at school. Especially as I'm at home all day.

He disagreed and said I was making excuses. I just told him I would continue to do it my way, if he wanted to give up his job and become a house husband whilst I worked, he could run the house his way.

So from then on, everytime he saw a pile of fresh ironing he just swiped all the clothes onto the floor. Then whilst I picked them up he would say "see, if the kids were doing their own clothes, you wouldn't be down there now picking them up, would you?"

I told him he was a smug, stubborn and immature idiot and if he did it again I would stop washing and ironing HIS clothes. He went in a major strop and stormed upstairs and raked all of the clothes out of the drawers and threw them all down the stairs.

From that point on I stopped washing and ironing his clothes.

So this morning when he got up for work, he had no clean shirts. He asked why and I reminded him what I'd said and what he'd done and he went nuts and punched the door, called me a fucking imbecile and smashed a mug before calling in sick.

He has not spoken to me all day. I don't understand why such little disagreements have to erupt into such massive rows. I don't think I was in the wrong totally?

Yes, they are old enough to put their own clothes away, but I just so know what you mean about it being easier for you to do it.

He is being very childish and immature - he needs a good kick up the backside.

I can see his point about the children putting washing away but he has completely lost the plot swiping all the ironing off! If my dp did it he would have had an iron up his arse

choosyfloosy...you put that nicely i think.

Worryingly, he seems to think that he is entitled, not just to agreement from you but obedience, and that if you don't do what you're told he thinks it's allright to get agressive and destructive.
Is this totally out of the blue, or have you a history of giving in to him because otherwise he uses bullying tactics?

I agree with Lizylou - He expects you to wash, iron and put away his stuff but not the kids (who presumably are all still at school?)

the whole idea that he would 'swipe' at cleanly laundered clothes would make me SOOO angry - it certainly wouldn't be me picking them.

He seems to have jealousy issues over the kids...

FWIW, i think you are totally in the right. I think my DSDs should do more around the house, but it's just not worth the argument so as long as they don't take the p*ss out of it, I let them get away with it. Your H is being unreasonable - if not in his initial comment, in his behaviour since then.

OK I think he's being a twat and bullying and stamping his little foot.

On the other hand he's punching walls and I'm worried that the next thing he'll punch is you.

Incidentally, why were you picking up the clothes when he had chucked them on the floor?

Agree, he's acting like a child and a rather frightening one at that.

However, I think your intial response was somewhat arrogant / bullying yourself...

"I agree, especially about the older ones but as I explained to DH, its just much easier for me to put everyones clothes away at the same time whilst they're at school. Especially as I'm at home all day.

He disagreed and said I was making excuses. I just told him I would continue to do it my way, if he wanted to give up his job and become a house husband whilst I worked, he could run the house his way".

Sounds a bit like you were saying 'my way or the high way'. Think the problems here are much deeper...

On the other hand if OP is a SAHM and DH thinks its fine for her to do his washing and put clothes away while he is at work, then why shouldnt the children have theirs done too while they are working hard at school/college? especially if OP is happy to do it (I assume kids dont take the piss and help out with other things otherwise OP wouldnt be so happy doing this for them)

IMO If you want to put your kids clothes away - that is your choice as their mother. as my Mum always says, there was a time when all of a sudden she didn't have to do anything, and that was because all 3 girls had joined the Royal Air Force - so I think that is is cock and bull to say that mollycoddling them will make them less responsible!!! With regards to you DH, just bloody ignore him. My DP got moody earlier cause I had put the washing up liquid away, and he wanted to use it. I find that if you ignore them, like you would a 2YO, they soon get over themselves.
Keep doing exactly what you want in your own home, and tell your DH to cheer up and stopping being childish.

TBH I can't see that this is anything but an indicator that the two of you don't seem to know how to problem solve, negotiate or discuss even the most basic issue.
How do you normally negotiate and discuss things where you don't initially agree.

So from then on, everytime he saw a pile of fresh ironing he just swiped all the clothes onto the floor.

I had to read that three times to make sure I had read it correctly, who on earth does he think he is?

I think you have 5 boys and one is aged two and the two year old throws really bad tantrums when things dont go his own way.

The best advice on two year old tantrums is to ignore them and they grow out of them. It may still be possible but not sure?

I really do feel for you and think he needs some help.

If he had sat you down and talked about the putting away clothes in a resnable manner in the first place - would you have listened and come to a comprimise?

Couldn't he round up the boys & tell them that from now on, they are to put their own clothes away 'because it's not fair on mum if you don't pull your weight & leave it all to her'? OK, I know you prefer to do it, but he does have a point that they need to learn to look after themselves.

Chucking the clothes on the floor is not exactly being part of the solution rather than the problem!

I would suspect that as the boys get older, he is possibly feeling a little threatened in his 'top dog' position & one way of asserting it is to ensure that he's the only one you're running around after? Or is that too cynical...

Geetar - I agree, his recent behaviour is out of order. However, I am presuming that you would like to sort things out.

I would agree with choosyfloosy - try to break the embattled positions by agreeing that your children should start taking responsibility for some things. But you need to make sure that the things that they need to do don't effectively make your work in the house more. ie. its probably best for you to take the clothes upstairs - but leave them a pile that they have to put away - and you might get them doing some other things - but get your dh to agree what you are suggesting are appropriate and will satisfy his need for you to let the children do things themselves. But he will also need to do similar himself.

But he also needs to agree that his behaviour since has been unreasonable and he needs to appologise to you.

Out of interest, we both work - and I iron as little as possible so that dh knows that if he wants an ironed shirt he has to do it himself (unless he has an interview). We both do laundry - dh is even able to sort light colours from dark (most of the time)

Geetar, You need to talk to DH about what is happening here. If you start a precedent of over reacting (not that you are, but I thought he had) and setting ultimatums to each other, it's the path to the dark side. It's very difficult to get over and damaging to your relationship. So this cant carry on.
There is clearly something going on underneath for him to react so strongly. He had a tantrum and his behaviour at that point wasnt reasonable. He lost it. But we all lose it sometimes (perhaps not to that extent as he tipped over to being bullying, but if you love him and he is usually reasonable, then at least address it with him).

I wonder if it will help to wait until you are both calm and say, look we had a disagreement and I felt your reaction was really very angry and very strong. Throwing clothes downstairs and ruining piles of ironing I've done is going too far and counter productive as it makes me not want to talk to you. Now the situation has calmed down, can you tell me why you got so angry. Try to stay calm and listen without interrupting or justifying, and see if there was something else going on for him. It can only help you as you're setting him boundaries by commenting on his behaviour, pointing out he'd gone too far and his reaction was so unhelpful, but you're also giving him a chance to explain. He might be relieved to talk to you and even say sorry. Men dont like to be told to say sorry or pushed into doing so and he make take some time to think about it. In this instance, it may help for you to start the conversation at least so he has a chance to reflect on his behaviour.

All families work differently. We both work full time but we split the domestic chores in quite a sexist way. I do washing/ironing/cooking. He does car stuff/nasty stuff/diy etc. We have DSs 18 and 16 and I put their clean clothes away - I actually find ironing quite a pleasant chore as I do it in front of the TV. If I was a sahm (oh how I wish!) I would most certainly expect to do all that you do. Your DH is being totally unreasonable. Your "job" is running the home and it is up to you how you do that.

poor diddums needs mummy to do his undies.

awwwww

I do the washing and ironing here and I put it away. ds knows how to do it but mainly doesn't so I do it and tbh, who cares. Not I, soon enough he'll be off doing his own thing and dh and I'll be rattling round here wishing I was still falling over stuff in his room!

Your dh is being a total arsehole and I would be veeerrrrry wary of someone who can lash out like this. Underlying problems there, methinks.....

He called in sick because he couldn't manage to ensure he had a clean shirt for work? Did he tell them that? I'm interested to know what they thought about that. I'm amazed lol.

You throwing the clothes down the stairs wasn't mature though. He sounds like a twat.

Sorry just re-read, he threw the clothes. He is definitely a twat.

she did'nt throw the clothes, he did

didn't

sorry, jodie, x-post!!

Message withdrawn

He did WHAT???

Are you serious? Has he acted this way before?

If the answer's no I would suspect some form of illness tbh, it's insane behaviour.

If yes, you need OUT of this relationship like, years ago possibly.

What an utter shit.

If my husband tried to write me out of important child-rearing decisions the way you have done with him in such an unpleasant passive-aggressive way I would lose it too.

He sounds really upset and infuriated by you and unless you are hoping to divorce him anyway, you should talk to him to find out why small disagreements seem to end up in a massive row. Perhaps to him they are important disagreements that you are dismissing, as you dismissed this one.

Thinking you have to be a sahp to have a say in how your children are raised is very unressonable. He makes his contribution to the house too and it should be valued.

He's out of order. I think it's very hypocritical to slate you for doing the children's laundry and then kick off for not doing his. The whole family needs to sit down and sort out some kind of laundry rota imo and possibly a whole housework rota in general. I am always amazed at how much resentmnet builds regarding housework etc. Often a huge bone of contention in households.