Massive row has erupted over something so small

[Geetar]

I've namechanged for this as some of you know me in real life.

I have four boys aged 17, 15, 10 and 7. A few weeks ago DH pulled me up saying that I 'baby' the kids and they should be doing more for themselves. Especially putting their own clothes away.

I agree, especially about the older ones but as I explained to DH, its just much easier for me to put everyones clothes away at the same time whilst they're at school. Especially as I'm at home all day.

He disagreed and said I was making excuses. I just told him I would continue to do it my way, if he wanted to give up his job and become a house husband whilst I worked, he could run the house his way.

So from then on, everytime he saw a pile of fresh ironing he just swiped all the clothes onto the floor. Then whilst I picked them up he would say "see, if the kids were doing their own clothes, you wouldn't be down there now picking them up, would you?"

I told him he was a smug, stubborn and immature idiot and if he did it again I would stop washing and ironing HIS clothes. He went in a major strop and stormed upstairs and raked all of the clothes out of the drawers and threw them all down the stairs.

From that point on I stopped washing and ironing his clothes.

So this morning when he got up for work, he had no clean shirts. He asked why and I reminded him what I'd said and what he'd done and he went nuts and punched the door, called me a fucking imbecile and smashed a mug before calling in sick.

He has not spoken to me all day. I don't understand why such little disagreements have to erupt into such massive rows. I don't think I was in the wrong totally?

This isn;t about whether you do too much for the children, which, so long as you are happy to do it - then why not, my MIL used to do this for my DP until he left home to live with me - he was 34!!! But you know what, it made her happy!

But i digress - your DH swiped freshly ironed clothes on the floor? Did i read that right? He stood over you and said that while you were, presuamably on your hands and knees at his feet picking them up? Then, after you made a stand against his quite frankly, horrible and controlling behaviour - he behaved like that?

I'm sorry, but he is a BULLY and probably thinks you should be giving him all the attention and not your children.

Am i alone in thinking that this is actually really worrying? HOneslty makes for really uncomfortable reading.

I would actually be scared of a man like that - well no, i wouldn't because he wouldn't be in my house in the first place. He might have actually had the imprint of the iron on his forehead too.

You aren't alone, LucyEllensmummy - I'm picturing that situation now, and it's scary. I can understand him wanting the children to take more responsibility for helping out, but this was utterly the wrong way to go about it.

Geetar - do you mind me asking if this was a one-off aberration, or whether he has acted like this before? If it's totally out of character, then sitting down with him and talking it through, once emotions have calmed a bit, would seem like the best idea. If he acts like this a lot, then I'd be worried and would think he needs anger management.

I hope that you can sort this out.

geetar, you treated your dh in exactly the right way. and he's reacted like a toddler. you need to treat your sons in the same way.

people have to learn the consequences of their actions. you're teaching your sons that they don't have to do any of their own housework. i feel sorry for their future gfs and dws.

so i don't think either your sons or your dh are behaving well, i think your dh has a point, but his behaviour is disgusting. you're quite right not to put up with it.

also let your sons grow up and start to take responsibility for themselves. they're more than capable.

"So from then on, everytime he saw a pile of fresh ironing he just swiped all the clothes onto the floor."
"He went in a major strop and stormed upstairs and raked all of the clothes out of the drawers and threw them all down the stairs."
"So this morning when he got up for work, he had no clean shirts. He asked why and I reminded him what I'd said and what he'd done and he went nuts and punched the door, called me a fucking imbecile and smashed a mug before calling in sick."

This is abusive

Telling your partner their opinion counts for nothing in their own home could also be seen as abusive. I'd far rather deal with someone who pushed clothes on the floor than someone who dehumanized me with passive aggression.

If a woman came on here saying she had suggested a new house rule but her husband told her she got no say until she started bringing in a wage people would (rightly) say he was being a dick.

Also it is not right that it is ok to spoil a child as long as it makes the person doing the spoiling happy.

And if a woman came on here telling us she'd behaved like this DH, people would rightly tell her to grow up.
He already brings in a wage so your analogy doesn't appear to make any sense or have any relevance to this situation.

His behaviour is unacceptable regardless and the OP has given him fair warning of the consequences of it.

Sounds like a twat of the highest order. He'd get the clothes and the iron up his arse in my house.

Deeblindmice - I agree with what you are saying - you can't dismiss a parents opinion about how you raise your chilren on the basis that they aren't a SAHP, in exactly the same way that it is unacceptable to dismiss a parents opinion because they dont bring in a wage. The OPs husband has a right to input into how his kids are being brought up - his view shouldn't have been dismissed in this way.

However since then his behaviour has been dreadful.

Geetar - it sounds as though you are having a power struggle in your relationship. I think you need to sit down and understand how you can work together as a partnership as clearly there is a great deal of resentment on both sides at the moment.

To be honest I think you are both behaving like children and need to start to communicate like adults.

HOW is the OP behaving like a child

Dee - how is puting the childrens clothes away "an important child-rearing decision"??? You seem to be blaming the op entirely for this and making out it is her fault

Her dh behaved appallngly, he acted as a bully and I agree totally with stayoutofthelight

If Geetar wishes to put all the laundry away in her house, that's her lookout. He doesn't agree. OK. He's told her that, but she's willing to continue. My DH would just shrug and mutter about rods for backs etc...

But that's not the point. I agree with lucyellensmum. His behaviour is outrageous. Aggressive, bullying, intimidating, childish, unpleasant..... how many more adjectives can I find? But abusive is the best. There is NO provocation for what he has done. Where's the respect in tipping her freshly ironed stuff on the floor, sneering at her whilst she retrieves it? I don't blame her for going on strike with regard to his shirts. I'd be tempted to phone his boss and explain the real reason he didn't go in that day.

I dont agree with parents doing everything for the DC, especially as your two eldest are old enough to do washinh/ironing.
But that's not the issue here. I don't think your argument was really about this.

• Do you need to communicate better ?(both of you)

• Do you end up beeing the 'servant' of the family?

• Does he feel that you spend all your time/energy/emotions on the boys and dont have time for your relatioship?

• Does he have an antagonist relationship with the boys? The eldest ones. It is not very uncommon

Well said, clam, you put it so much better than I did

How is chucking drawerfuls of clothes down the stairs (presumably for her to pick up) meant to address the issue of her feeling like a servant?

Well,heated debate..I think he is a big fat bully too. I also think putting ironed clothes away for your boys is not the crime of the century,if it makes it easier when tidying up during the day.

ladymariner

I think it is her fault.

If I had an argument with my husband that ended with me telling him that if he wanted to have a say in how our house was run he had to give up working I would not consider that "something so small" and I certainly wouldn't expect that to be the end of it.

I think the bullying, nasty behaviour started right there.

If this man has finally snapped after many years of being treated so dismissively by his wife I think his reaction is understandable, although I agree his behaviour has been appalling.

I also disagree very strongly with the idea that the OP is just putting clothes away in her own house. She is not, it is his house too. They are his children too. If he doesn't want them mollycoddled in this way then he's entitled to have that view taken seriously.

Teaching your children to be independent is the most basic job of a parent and the OP is refusing to allow him to have a voice in how that is done.

The first row they had that she wants to dismiss as so unimportant seems to me to have been very serious indeed. That's certainly how I would view it if I was on either side of such a disagreement.

When people feel ignored, dismissed and powerless they often act out in ways that seem extreme. That doesn't make the initial dismissal of them in any way justified.

Clam,
maybe is his reaction -a bad reaction- in feeling ignored himself. I m not saying is right - it is bulling- but if he is immature and he cant talk?

If i told my dh that we had to sit and have a discussion about every little thing that either of us did regarding the upbringing of our children/running of our house he'd look at me as if I'd gone mad and rightly so. Life is just too short for that, and lets be honest, putting the clothes away is such a little thing.
She runs the house, he goes out to work. If she went into his work and told him how to do his job then chucked all his workstuff all over would that be reasonable? Of course not.

I didn't realize so many women felt that if one partner stayed at home that that meant that the working partner became just a financial contributor. I thought a domestic partnership meant making joint decisions about domestic matters regardless of how each contributed to the household.

My parents always made time to sit down together to discuss decisions and make them together.

I'm a bit baffled by the idea that rules about pulling your weight in the family are considered so insignificant. The fact that my mother never expected me to lift a finger has had a pretty big effect on me and my husband's independence is largely thanks to his mother's determination that he would not end up a man child who needed a woman to look after him. Instilling that same discipline in his children matters a lot to him. It would be wrong of me to overrule him summarily for my own convenience.

The passive aggressive thing has worked though - apparently it is plausible that what is going on here is just a woman innocently going about her laundry and being unaccountably attacked for no reason by her mental husband.

I don't think it's a double standard to not treat your spouse and your children the same way.

Message withdrawn

I agree this isn't about laundry - that somehow positive communication has got rather lost along the way. But I dont think even if she did behave passive aggressively that justifies his aggression. Think it's dangerous to suggest that anything less than "nice" behaviourr from a woman legitimizes aggression.

I really can't believe that a 17 year old doesn't even have to put his clean clothes in his drawers. Do your children do nothing at all around the house (if putting clothes away was an especially not just an example)? At 17 children should be actively helping surely? I was cooking supper twice a week at 14/15, and I am very grateful to my mother for teaching me how to enjoy cooking. My dh was doing the ironing for his family as his contribution in his late teens. What domestic skills do your older children have? I expect my children to leave home at 18 for university, and that they will be equipped to know how to cook, do the laundry, clean the house etc. I would consider myself a very poor parent if they were not familiar with these tasks.

I think that your dh was absolutely right, and I don't really understand why you think it is reasonable to totally refuse to listen to him in what appears to be an utterly dismissive fashion. I work out of the home and dh is the SAHD, that doesn't mean my opinion on the children's upbringing is worthless. I am just as much their parent. I will compromise of course, and sometimes discussions can be heated, but I would be incredibly angry to be told basically to fuck off, which it appears to me you have done.

His behaviour subsequently has been dire, I agree, but how long has this been going on? Are you both not adults able to sort things out between you? Your poor boys must be very upset with all this anger about.

There has to be more going on to make you both behave so badly surely?

Do you have someone in real life who knows you both well who could mediate between you perhaps? Because I don't really see how this is going to be resolved until you both calm down, and your dh does seemed to have slipped into dangerous territory.