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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My daughter has made allegations that my husband in abusing her, I can't find any support on the net. Please help!!!

1003 replies

hurtandworried · 20/02/2009 14:16

My 14 year old daughter has made a statement to the police that my husband has been inappropriatley touching her and making sexual advances towards her. Please tell me where I can get some support around how this is making me feel. I can't find anywhere on the net for this kind of thing.

OP posts:
notsobroadminded · 20/02/2009 16:51

it is DAMAGE LIMITATION advice from people who have been there...that's limiting the damage to a child.

As a mother looking for support i think that is precisely the kind of advice/support i would be looking for!

slightlycrumpled · 20/02/2009 16:52

HAW, sorry to butt in but actually your last post is how you sound to me, in shock.

Real shock is a strange thing and can make us confused etc and you must be in a real turmoil. I truly hope that your daughter feels she has your never ending support and more importantly that you do believe her.

I hope things become clearer for you soon.

notsobroadminded · 20/02/2009 16:53

(sault and pepers mysogny reminds me of wignrobe...the knobtroll of yesteryear)

Original poster
hurtandworried · 20/02/2009 16:53

Yes, i know that. I have said from the begining that he is the adult and will have to deal with the outcome, whereas she will need long term support and help

OP posts:
solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 20/02/2009 16:54

HAW, as someone else said, no one wants to believe their partner could be abusing their children - because if you thought, for one minute, that you had married an abuser, you would have thrown him straight out of the house.
People who abuse children are almost always very plausible to everyone else, otherwise they wouldn't be able to do what they do.
While there are a tiny number of cases when a teenager alleges abuse out of malice or misunderstanding, it is far far more common for a teenager to tell the truth and not be believed.
As others have said, contact the relevant specialist organisations: there is plenty of support available for you and your DD out there and, while it's good for you to have MN as an outlet for your feelings, there will be posters who will react harshly to your story and not al the advice you get will be helpful.

poshwellies · 20/02/2009 16:56

'That whole affair was 20 years ago now but to this day I am very wary of being left alone in a room with a female colleague, because frankly I don't trust you lot any further than I could comfortably spit a rat'.

Original poster
hurtandworried · 20/02/2009 16:56

Yes i think I am in shock!
I am supporting her in every way I know possible. If i am unable to say I believe her 100% its because I am being totally honest with her, the way I have always been with my kids and the way, on the whole, they have always been with me. I can see, however, that it will not be seen as supportive but you would need to see our relationship to see how close we are, me and dd I mean

OP posts:
Squirdle · 20/02/2009 16:57

Thank you notsobroadminded, that is exactly what it is!

HAW, do you think my grandmother could believe that the man she had lived with for 50 years and had 4 children with could do such a thing? No she couldn't, even after he was charged and later commited suicide because he couldn't face up to it! Even though 3 of her grandaughters were saying the same thing!! Even though she admitted to my mother that she thought 'something wasn't right'

I know how difficukt it must be for you, how much you must be torn, but if I were in your situation my loyaties would NOT be divided! i would be believing and supporting my daughter 100% and not giving her reason to doubt that I didn't!

Nabster · 20/02/2009 16:58

HAW

I hear you.

You don't believe you daughter.

You don't want to believe the man you love can hurt your child.

If you do not believe her RIGHT NOW you will lose her as soon as she can go.

saultanpepper · 20/02/2009 16:59

Molesworth - I have read the entire thread, and this is supposed to be a discussion board. Sorry if my experience and opinions don't dovetail with yours but there is seldom only one side to a story.

Dittany - that comment was typed more in anger than common sense - I have learned to trust women again but only after a good long time of getting to know them. My default position is still one of distrust because of what happened. By all means flame me for that if you want.

Nabster - you prove my last point. If HAW believes her dd 100% then her marriage is over. If the allegations turn out to be false, that's a pretty drastic and hurtful outcome for an innocent man.

Squirdle · 20/02/2009 16:59

Yup, nabster is totally correct. I left home as soon as I possibly could.

ra29needsabettername · 20/02/2009 16:59

FGS the OP can not make herself believe her dd 100%. Belief is not something you can choose. She says she is supporting her in a situation that must be hell for both of them.
Hurtand worried, this must be truly awful ffor you and your sons as well as obviously and mostly for your dd.
I think you absolutely need support yourself in order to properly give her what she needs. It sounds like your whole world has just shatttered. Is your daughter being seen by a therapist? She should be and perhaps you could also access support through the same service. If not you definately need to get help for both of you- and your sons because they are bound to be shattered too. II think you'll probably feel a whole range of emotions about this and some people here would probably find unacceptable but I think are normal. It is important you get help so that any difficult feelings have a place to ccome out so that they don't come out on your daughter. She must be in a terrible place right now and needs all the help she can get but that doesn't mean you dont need help too.

Original poster
hurtandworried · 20/02/2009 17:00

I really appreciate all the feedback you have given me, even the slightly more harsh ones. My head has been a total shed for 3 weeks so its been good to hear 'normal' opinions and not those just of professionals and practitioners involved with the case, as thats all i have spoken to since it all happened

OP posts:
Nabster · 20/02/2009 17:01

But if he is innocent and truly loves her he will understand why she had to believe her daughter. Better a broken marriage than a broken child.

MmeLindt · 20/02/2009 17:01

notsobroadminded
I know that there are sadly women who put their relationship before the emotional wellbeing of their children but that is not the impression that I got of HAW.

Her husband has moved out, the police have been involved and she is reeling in shock at everything that has happened in the past .. I don't know how long, weeks, days?

Original poster
hurtandworried · 20/02/2009 17:03

before this happened to our family i could never understand how any woman, mother, would ever doubt any allegations of abuse. but here i am, my only daughter and yes, i am doubting it! does that make me mad bad or sad? I really dont know as i never thought it would happen to me, to us

OP posts:
Original poster
hurtandworried · 20/02/2009 17:04

3 weeks Mme

OP posts:
Molesworth · 20/02/2009 17:04

@ saultanpepper - if you had read the thread properly you would understand the reasoning behind the advice to take the child's word for it. This is not borne out of some lynch mob mentality, but a realistic acknowledgement that when allegations like this are made, in most cases the child is telling the truth. Should we be guided by those few cases where the allegation is false? Remember we are not talking about allegations of sexual harrassment at work here but the claims of a 14 year-old girl against her step-father. Very different.

Sad for you that you tar all women with the same brush.

spicemonster · 20/02/2009 17:04

saultanpepper - your situation was very different though. This girl has apparently a good relationship with her stepfather and no reason to make something like this up. Most women don't make up allegations of abuse and rape. 2% is I believe the official statistic

Nabster · 20/02/2009 17:05

I think the fact that you don't believe your daughter makes you in denial.

StirlingTheStrong · 20/02/2009 17:05

This is such a difficult situation - You must know HAW that how you handle this will have a massive bearing on your future relationship with your dd.

I was abused by my stepfather from age 10 to 16 but I couldn't face telling my Mum until I was 34! She handled the whole thing really badly and we have an awful relationship now. Not that we were amazingly close before

But everything you say and do will be remembered for a long time by your dd so please think carefully.

ra29needsabettername · 20/02/2009 17:05

It doesn't make you bad. You're in a terrible situation and you can't help what you feel. I think you do need to try and keep those doubts from your dd though.

Original poster
hurtandworried · 20/02/2009 17:05

itis total no win situation, i know that

OP posts:
slightlycrumpled · 20/02/2009 17:06

HAW I can understand why you haven't spoken to friends etc, but it may help you to confide in someone in real life. If only for them to put their arms round you and look after you for a while.

Original poster
hurtandworried · 20/02/2009 17:07

Yes i know. One of the 2 people i love most in the world is lying, one of them is hurting, which hurts me too

OP posts:
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