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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My daughter has made allegations that my husband in abusing her, I can't find any support on the net. Please help!!!

1003 replies

hurtandworried · 20/02/2009 14:16

My 14 year old daughter has made a statement to the police that my husband has been inappropriatley touching her and making sexual advances towards her. Please tell me where I can get some support around how this is making me feel. I can't find anywhere on the net for this kind of thing.

OP posts:
onebatmother · 20/02/2009 16:34

Please can I (quietly) add my voice to those who say that it is vital that you state to your daughter your absolute belief in what she says? Even if you are, in reality, unsure.

Unless you do so, you are disbelieving her by default, and the impact of this on her life will be immeasurable.

If it does turn out that she has lied (which is, I believe, a minute chance) then you can deal with that as it happens.

But you only get one chance at this.

Good luck, hurtandworried. You have nothing to be hurt about, btw.

Nabster · 20/02/2009 16:35

I don't feel she is supporting her dd 100% as she isn't saying she believes her 100% and if posters are meaning I am being harsh - fine. But you live with the fact that you weren't looked after properly.

dittany · 20/02/2009 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nabster · 20/02/2009 16:36

she hasn't said that to her dd??

hurtandworried · 20/02/2009 16:37

no
Mme, that adds to the hurt as i have always been very protective of all my children, especially her being my only daughter. and he was always a fantastic hsband and dad to them

OP posts:
onebatmother · 20/02/2009 16:37

did you say that to your dd directly HAW, or to someone else?

dittany · 20/02/2009 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notsobroadminded · 20/02/2009 16:40

(mmelindt

some women do do do do do continue to have relationships with people they have 'thought for split second could be a paedophile'....for whatever reason some women just do! (denial/minimising etc)

that is just for the record)

saultanpepper · 20/02/2009 16:41

HAW

You must be going through hell. There's been a multitude of advice on here and to answer your original question calmly and objectively, you could try your GP, Women's Aid, Childline, or the NSPCC.

On a slightly different note - I always knew this site was a hotbed of oestrogen (it is MUMSnet, after all) but Christ on a bike, this thread takes the cake. We still, only just, live in a society where innocence is presumed until guilt is proven, yet you lot on here have tried, convicted, and castrated the OP's husband without so much as a second thought.

Teenage kids can and do lie - a friend of mine had allegations of this nature brought against him by his own dd when she was 13; she has been put up to it and coached - Coached! - by his ex-wife just so she could have sole custody. He was a dog handler at the local nick, and was suspended from his job; it took six months to establish the truth, after which he was depressed to the point of being suicidal and had to take long term sick. This was 6 years ago and he only started back in the job late last year.

I myself had sexual assault allegations brought against me at work by a 18-year-old girl, when I was an 19-year-old trainee shop manager. She was upset at being shouted at by a customer; all I did was touch her shoulder in a gesture of support. She lodged a complaint that I had touched her inappropriately and in a sexual manner. She was on a disciplinary, saw me as a way out of that situation and was angling for sick leave and compensation or constructive dismissal. Luckily for me the conniving bitch was overheard bragging about her scheme in the pub next door to the shop and was promptly given the boot. That whole affair was 20 years ago now but to this day I am very wary of being left alone in a room with a female colleague, because frankly I don't trust you lot any further than I could comfortably spit a rat.

If the guy is guilty, then lock him up and throw away the key; he deserves to have his life ruined. Trouble is, if he's innocent, the poor bastard has already had his life ruined anyway; because neither the OP or the rest of his family will ever look at him the same way again.

dittany · 20/02/2009 16:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onebatmother · 20/02/2009 16:41

May I add something?

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

But you are responsible for what happens from now on.

Nabster · 20/02/2009 16:43

saultanp

better to misbelieve an adult than misbelieve a child.

hurtandworried · 20/02/2009 16:43

As I have said , I will support my daughter all the way with this, so if that isnt making a choice I dont know what is.

OP posts:
Squirdle · 20/02/2009 16:44

I don't believe we have been harsh at all!!

Squirdle · 20/02/2009 16:45

My grandfather was apparently a wonderful father and husband...it didn't stop him sexually abusing 3 out 4 of his grandaughters though!

Nabster · 20/02/2009 16:45

and you are talking bollocks

no one has tried and ocnvicted him

the issue is a child has said she has been abused and the mother does not seem to believe her

we are perhaps erring on the side of caution by believing the child and not him but he is an adult.more damage will be done by not believing her if she is telling the truth and by believing him and he is lying.

fucking hell. some people have just no idea.

saultanpepper · 20/02/2009 16:45

Nabster

Better to know the truth than jump to the wrong conclusion.

hurtandworried · 20/02/2009 16:45

sorry for my slow replies, every time i post a msg my connection drops

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 20/02/2009 16:46

How can you make yourself beleive something 100%. All she can do surely is lead her DD to beleive that she does.

Nabster · 20/02/2009 16:46

that was to saultan

you have to believe her to support her, HAW

Molesworth · 20/02/2009 16:46

Try reading the thread before you pile in with your half-baked opinions, saultanpepper

dittany · 20/02/2009 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hurtandworried · 20/02/2009 16:48

saultandpepper thankyou for your message, it makes a lot of sense to me. as do all the others but in my heart of hearts i really cannot see him doing any of those things to anyone, least of all her. if he did then i dont know how we will get over it, we as in me and my kids. but we will, with help and support. i dont think i am in denial, just shock! i know these things do happen, but not to me!

OP posts:
hurtandworried · 20/02/2009 16:50

yes dittany, i did use the ghost thing to my dd but in a slightly more eloquent expressive way, not quite as black and white as i wrote here

OP posts:
hurtandworried · 20/02/2009 16:51

im sorry if i have upset people on here, that never was my intention

OP posts:
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