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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My daughter has made allegations that my husband in abusing her, I can't find any support on the net. Please help!!!

1003 replies

hurtandworried · 20/02/2009 14:16

My 14 year old daughter has made a statement to the police that my husband has been inappropriatley touching her and making sexual advances towards her. Please tell me where I can get some support around how this is making me feel. I can't find anywhere on the net for this kind of thing.

OP posts:
saultanpepper · 20/02/2009 17:07

NSBM - you are incorrect in your assessment. Misogyny is hatred or contempt of women. I neither hate nor hold women in contempt; as I have stated I have had some adverse experiences which have led my to adopt a reserved attitude. You would do well not to judge people until you've walked a mile in their shoes.

HAW - is anyone other than the police talking to your sons? They will probably be going through hell as well.

Nabster · 20/02/2009 17:07

HAW What do you want to happen now?

Molesworth · 20/02/2009 17:08

HAW, not mad, bad or sad, no. You're being honest. You're in shock, as any one of us would be in your shoes. I do agree with all those who have said that it's important to support your daughter 100%. Being honest with her about your doubts may not be the right thing to do right now, because, as nabster says, it will be heard as "I don't believe you".

noddyholder · 20/02/2009 17:09

Do you have any 'gut' feelings haw? why would she lie and go as far as the police?I would think a teenager who wanted to cause trouble and hurt may blurt this out in anger at home but to make a police statement You MUST know her better thatn that as you sound like a good mum

Original poster
hurtandworried · 20/02/2009 17:09

crumpled i would love someone to do that, but its such a BIG thing to say, I dont feel I can at the moment

OP posts:
muffle · 20/02/2009 17:09

"frankly I don't trust you lot any further than I could comfortably spit a rat."

You made this aggressive and disrespectful statement to us all sault, I presume you mean all women. It doesn't help to get high and mighty and holier than thou now.

dittany · 20/02/2009 17:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nabster · 20/02/2009 17:11

HAW Much as I can't understand a lot of what you are saying, I would be more than happy to come round and give you and your daughter a big hug if you are near me.

saultanpepper · 20/02/2009 17:11

MW/Spice - my situation was different, but that of my friend was almost exactly the same. Yes, it is sad.

Original poster
hurtandworried · 20/02/2009 17:11

Nabster, what I really want is for husband to undertake a polygraph test then at least i will know exactly what i am dealing with. I want my daughter to be ok, whatever the result. If shes telling the truth she needs support, if shes lying she needs help as to why

OP posts:
controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 20/02/2009 17:12

HAW what do you think is going to happen to "prove" to you that she is lying / truthful?? if you do not support her in pursuing matters with the police how are you going to be sure? will you decide? will ss take care proceedings if you dont agree that he can have no further contact with the dcs?? will you oppose that?? will a family court have to decide on the balance of probabilities whether he has abused her or not?? not sure you have begun to think how this will pan out unless you give her your full support. if the reality is you have doubts then supporting the police investigation may be the best way of resolving things.... this isnt all going to go away is it? at least i v much hope not for your dds sake.

Original poster
hurtandworried · 20/02/2009 17:12

Please do nabster..we need it

OP posts:
PollyGarter · 20/02/2009 17:13

My thoughts are with you.

I hope you find the strength and clarity of mind to do what you need to do.

Please look at this part of the Havoca website.

And Mosac which supports the families of abused children.

They will be able to give you support for where your mind is at at this point in time.

Molesworth · 20/02/2009 17:13

Polygraph tests aren't reliable anyway.

Has your dd shown any signs of 'disturbed' behaviour prior to this? Missing school, misbehaviour, withdrawn, self harm etc?

Original poster
hurtandworried · 20/02/2009 17:13

noddy she told the nurse at school who is legally obliged to call in child protection. she has done nothing but express regret, for whatever reason, since

OP posts:
Nabster · 20/02/2009 17:14

You won't get a lie detector for this.

Your daughter WILL be okay(ish) as long as she knows you believe her. You can do nothing but accept she is telling the truth, she has been assaulted and needs you 100%.

If it turns out she has lied, believing her now won't cause any serious harm, but disbelieving her when she is telling the truth will do more harm than anyone can understand, until they have been where your daughter is now, and having no one believe you and put you first.

poshwellies · 20/02/2009 17:14

He won't need a polygraph test OP-he will be dealt with with very experienced officers who deal with child abusers day in and day out-they know how abusers work and how they lie and conduct themselves.

Nabster · 20/02/2009 17:14

i will come straight away if you are near me

have to dish up tea now but will be back soon

Original poster
hurtandworried · 20/02/2009 17:15

None at all, first 'real' boyfriend, starting her periods, normal 'teenage' stuff, nothng at all to indicate something of this magnitude

OP posts:
saultanpepper · 20/02/2009 17:16

Muffle (and everyone else)

In hindsight that was a poorly worded phrase; which as I said in my reply to dittany was crafted without thought. It was not my intention to cause offence; I apologise to anyone who has taken such.

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 20/02/2009 17:17

Polygraph tests are not 100% reliable, and certainly wouldn't be in a case like this (they are affected by strong emotion, which your partner will be feeling whether he is guilty or not).
If he is not guilty, and is a decent man, he will be staying away from any kind of contact with you, or with mutual friends or relatives - because a decent man would understand why you have to put your DD first and why he has to be treated as though he is guilty until the truth comes out.

I used to consider myself a good judge of character, but then a friend's boyfriend (who I has socialised with etc) was convicted of having indecent pictures of children on his computer. I would never have thought it of him, but he did it.

Original poster
hurtandworried · 20/02/2009 17:17

i can get a polygraph for £1000!!
the officers have said he is very believable in his denials, as they also said she is very credible with her accusations!! No help there eh?

OP posts:
Molesworth · 20/02/2009 17:17

Obviously I don't know you or your daughter, but I can't see why an apparently 'normal' teenager such as you describe your dd to be would lie about something like this.

Did she say why she decided to tell the school nurse?

dittany · 20/02/2009 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
hurtandworried · 20/02/2009 17:19

Yes husband is being decent solidgold,
re boys seeeing someone, they will also be offered counselling when social wrkr sorts it out, we can have family and individyual

OP posts:
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