My daughter has made allegations that my husband in abusing her, I can't find any support on the net. Please help!!!

[hurtandworried]

My 14 year old daughter has made a statement to the police that my husband has been inappropriatley touching her and making sexual advances towards her. Please tell me where I can get some support around how this is making me feel. I can't find anywhere on the net for this kind of thing.

HAW

I sincerely hope that if there is indeed a case to answer your DD is strong enough to see it through in terms of seeing him brought to justice. I think she has been put under pressure from within her own family (her brothers don't fully believe her and you're still fence sitting) hence her wanting to drop the charges.

You should not be relying on her at all to support you; that's not her role at all as a child. Who is the parent and who is the child here?.

You've been on here; why do you not feel you can talk to someone in a professional counselling capacity?.

I think you are blaming your own self here but you're not the only victim. Are you afraid deep down of the potential truth; that your daughter has indeed been abused by her stepdad and you have yourself been duped into marrying someone you did not know the full nature of?. Abusers can be highly plausible and charming on the surface. Stepdad/stepdaughter abuse is certainly not unknown within societies.

HAW, I'm sorry if it seems as though I don't feel you need support...it must be terrible for you. But as other posters have said, you need to keep those feelings to yourself, your daughter can't deal with how you feel too. She will withdraw her allegations if she feels it is upsetting you and destroying your family. I am just trying to give you an insight into how not to deal with it iyswim.

We will be here to support you and your daughter.

In order for the OP to be fully behind her daughter she has to be able to process all the 'what if's' that are flying around in her head.

For a person who has experienced abuse and a subsequent lack of support it is clear cut.

Please OP find the support you need, I think that people here can give you excellent advice on how to support your daughter, but I don't think that you are likely to find the right kind of support for you here.

This is a case where, until a proper assesment has been made, counselling may make prosecution in the future more difficult. It raises the question of witness contamination I'm afraid. However the NSPCC have trained professionals who are well versed in proceedure in cases of this sort and are well placed to give advice.

surely not counselling for the parent though lessonlearned?

I have said before I will try and support the OP in helping her get through this but she has to start by saying she believes and supports her daughter 100%.

She has to make a choice. It is just the way it is in this situation.

And I say again, any suggestion of saying she can't believe her husband would do something like this tells the daughter mum doesn't believe her and is putting her husband first.

Thankyou so much, you all talk sense and have helped me
this dodgy internet connection is doing my head in!!!

Sorry molesworth, slow typer here!
No the statement on it's own would not be enough without the victim being willing to appear for crossexamination.
They need to have corroberating evidence as well, I'm afraid, and abusers are usually aware of this and cover their traces very well!
Social Services and NSPCC do not require proof - only probability.

Bumbleybee, Sorry it may contaminate any evidence from close family that could corroberate the evidence.

lesson - I am not sure you are right about the corroborating evidence.

Are you qualified in this area of law?

the social workers have said they will arrange counselling, but like everything it takes time. i just needed to talk NOW....not in 3 weeks time

@lessonlearned - thanks for clarifying that. In our situation the case was dropped owing to lack of evidence. It had taken dd two years to pluck up the courage to tell someone

just repeating what dittany said

''..But if you look at things from the perspective that your daughter is telling the truth rather than you don't know who to believe, some things may fall into place''

think of it as damage limitation.

Has your daughter been offered support OP?

My social worker was fantastic as was victim support and all those wonderful CID officers.

yes re probability, thats what they have told me too

I haven't managed to read all the posts, so I may be repeating what others have said. Just because hurtandworried is looking for some support for herself does NOT mean that she is not supporting/does not believe her DD. It could be that she is completely supportive and loving to her DD, and then needs to vent her own feelings online. I know that if this situation happened to me, and I'd never had a single inkling of anything innapropriate, and the man I loved and trusted more than anyone swore to me he didn't do it, I would certainly have doubts. I would NEVER let my child see my doubts, I would NEVER express them to her, but you can damn sure bet they'd cross my mind.

It COULD be a misunderstanding, it COULD be an outright lie on her part that got out of control and now she can't get out of. But...it's probably not. No matter what, your daughter needs your unconditional support, and after you've taken care of her needs you need to see to yours. Best of luck in this awful situation, and you'll be in my thoughts.

I don't really understand why you don't believe your DD 100%. Do you have to see it with your own eyes to believe it? .

yes posh, she is getting it from counsellor at school and victim support, and me obviously

Why the louii? This does happen...far more than people realise, sadly!

HAW
I am so sorry that your family is going through this.

I do hope that you keep posting on MN, even though some of the posters have been quite harsh. It is a very emotive subject, particularly if the poster has personal experience of abuse.

IMO (and I have no personal experience) your daughter obviously needs to know that you are there for her, that you believe her.

At the same time, I don't feel that it is terrible to show her that you are shocked and that you cannot believe that your husband would do this. (which is not to say that she is lying, just that you would not have thought he was the kind of man to do this)

Of course you find it difficult to believe that he would do such a thing. It would be terrible if your daughter had said that she was being abused and you had thought, "Oh, well I can believe that of him, he always was a bit funny with her"

You would not be in a relationship with him if you thought for a second that he could be a paedophile.

You sound like a very loving and caring mother who has had the rug pulled out from under her. Sometimes just by posting on MN it is possible to sort out ones feelings and get a clearer picture. I hope that this is the case for you.

That support sounds good HAW. This is a really tough thing to get through, but you WILL get through it.

yes samsmamma you have put it really well thankyou.

okay

HAW you are thanking those who are defending you, that is fine.

I am not willing to put myself on the line to explain things as to how they really are and how things will be in years to come until you have made your choice.

your daughter or your husband?