My daughter has made allegations that my husband in abusing her, I can't find any support on the net. Please help!!!

[hurtandworried]

My 14 year old daughter has made a statement to the police that my husband has been inappropriatley touching her and making sexual advances towards her. Please tell me where I can get some support around how this is making me feel. I can't find anywhere on the net for this kind of thing.

connection issues again, but yes, i know about his past, and the police have done a full history and theres nothing in it at all

The only thing really Im concerned about is WHY your DD suddenly wants to drop charges, and would be happy to have your DH back living in the family home again.

Am I being a bit nieve to think that is someone has gone far enough to make a statement to the police etc, that they wouldnt want this person anywhere near them again?!

FWIW I dont know what to believe either, your DH has fucked up big time by lying about the drinking.

Stepsons within family unit have sod all to do with it..

And abusers can groom for years until the actual sexual abuse starts.

H&W - are you a list-maker? Do you find it helps to have specific things listed down so you can check them off and feel that you're regaining control?

Desiderata - one could give the husband the benefit of the doubt and assume something like he was trying and trying not to act on his urges, but ultimately lost his fight. I'm really not comfortable with the time frame being used as his defence really...

(BTW I have no CP or abuse experience, this is pure speculation....)

no per, why?

JARM - in the mind of a 14yo who's been a daughter to this man for most of her life - maybe she thinks that now she's said something he won't touch her again, but she can still have the full family relationship?

Mmm I was going to stay away from this because I'm finding it a little bit upsetting but I just had to respond to Desiderata, as she strikes me as a very sensible and sound of mind sort of poster on the whole.

Some men just like teenage girls, I think it is that simple. My step-father starting abusing me when I was about 14 as well, and I'm aware that he had been involved with much younger girls as a younger man. After I left home he made lewd comments to two of my teenage cousins.

I think in some ways it makes it harder to open up about, certainly for me because I felt I should have been old enough to put a stop to it, or know better, or something. Please don't not believe your daughter on account of her age, although I can understand why it's been questioned.

I was sexually abused by my parents and their friends for 15 years, I was also rped by a 'so called friend' 5 years ago, I didnt press charges against my friend because I was worried about his wife and daughter, I did try to press charges against my parents but that came to nothing because I was and still am suffering from mental health problems due to the abuse.
I wish I had reported the person that rped me because now I'm worried about his daughter, if he is doing this to anyone else and I cant move on. Everything still affects me now, I panic that my family will find me and do the same to my children, I dont trust anyone anymore and its a horrible way to live

whats the time frame got to do with it?? i got disconnected and have lost it!!

H&W - just a thought really, maybe to go through the posts so far and pick out the support agencies to contact, decide how you're going to approach them (phone or email), call the police re the tapes and the lying etc. When life starts to throw a large quantity of shit at you, it can really help to feel that you're taking control back and doing something about it?

rhks

But Orangina, why is the male so vigorously condemned in the first place?

You may not be comfortable with it, but assuming his guilt without a fig of proof beyond the confused testimony of a fourteen year old girl, is equally discomforting.

I cannot imagine that a man with sexual impulses towards young girls would deny himself for so long. He would have form. It's not something that suddenly overtakes a perfectly normal adult out of the blue.

Abuse happens. False allegations happen. It's the job of level-headed people to discover the truth.

OMG!! you poor thing, i send my sincere thoughts to you

Desiderata - it's not confused testimony - the OP has said that the police have found her to be a very credible witness.

thanks desidrata, that does match my thinking up until this point

Desi - why are you assuming the man is with the OP in order to abuse her daughter? My step-father was married to my mother because he loved her (believe it or not), having a teenage girl around he could have his way with was just his good luck I guess

Presumably also seeing a young girl enter puberty and starting to mature could act as some sort of trigger to previously repressed urges, I dunno, I'm no psychiatristm, just guessing.

... and I take your point on board, mindalina.

I just think that if he has a predisposition towards a certain age-group, it would have become noticeable in the ten years that the OP has spent with him, as was the case in your experience.

Maybe e's not spent that much time around 14 year old girls though.

Flight, that was my evidence that HAW is not in shock which precludes the flurry of discussions which HAW has engaged in.
HAW is in denial which is a stage of disbelief and seeks to test validity.

per, and they found him the same in his denials

HAW, it won't be you or dd who decides if he goes to prison as a nonce. It will be the judge and jury.
All you and dd are doing is stopping this happening to dd in her own home. You have another 4 years of being your daughter's very best protection. You took on that job the moment she was born, don't shirk it now.
I realise you are in a state of shock and grief for what you have lost and that's not just a platitude. You will be grieving.
But that's got to be put aside for a minute. Maybe you are in your early 40s? You have all your past behind you without shadow of ever being made to do something sexual that you didn't want to. In all likelihood, that's now not a luxury your dd has.
Spend this weekend reassuring her that you believe in her, that you trust her, that you want her to do the right thing for HER and you know that may NOT be withdrawing the charges. Tell her she's not responsible for your happiness or unhappiness. YOU're more responsible for hers.
She may or may not want to go ahead with dropping the charges.
When she leaves for school on Monday morning, take a deep breath and ring Rape Crisis and discuss your situation with them. Or ask the police to put you in touch with their own rape unit - for both you and dd.
I know you think you can't talk to anyone about this but you really need to.

he's

Ah but

I'm the only one who's made the connection, cos I'm the only one who knows he abused me, ya see. Dittany said something earlier to the OP, along the lines of, assume that your daughter is right and cast your mind back - is there anything that doesn't sit right in light of the allegations. I'd bet a penny to a pound that if the DD is telling the truth there will be at least one incident that looking back makes the OP go

Certainly if my mum knew, and she did that, there would be TONNES of stuff that would suddenly seem so obvious. But if you don't know, you won't see it, iyswim?

no, he hasnt spent much time around 14 yr olds that i know of, only my dd and her friends