My daughter has made allegations that my husband in abusing her, I can't find any support on the net. Please help!!!

[hurtandworried]

My 14 year old daughter has made a statement to the police that my husband has been inappropriatley touching her and making sexual advances towards her. Please tell me where I can get some support around how this is making me feel. I can't find anywhere on the net for this kind of thing.

Sadly the fact that your daughter wants her statement to stand but no charges to be pressed makes it sound all the more likely that she is telling the truth. Children who are abused by a family member often feel horribly conflicted: they often love the abuser, but don't want to be abused, and if what was done to them was not physically painful, and involved coaxing and persuasion and praise rather than force and threats, they may find it hard to explain to themselves and others why it was so wrong. SOmetimes abusers apologise to their victims after the incident, promise it will not happen again (though it does) and suggest or even say outright that it was at least partly the victim's fault for being 'pretty' or 'flirting' or some other such bullshit.
That the man lied about his drinking - and your DD says it happened when he was drunk - also sounds very plausible.

Oh god ofc I'm not trying to say it's right to disbelieve! But I do wholeheartedly understand why it must be so hard to accept for the mothers who find out things like this about their husbands - they have loved these men for however many years, set up home with them, entrusted them with their children - of course it would be hard to accept that actually that man was an abuser. And of course there are mothers who just don't care - clearly HAW is not this type, she does care, she does want the situation resolved (whatever that is), but that doesn't make it easy for her to accept her husband has done this.

I will step away now and let the rest of you get on with supporting HAW as I don't think I have much to offer beyond wishing her and her daughter well.

no i havent told the police, i only heard the tapes last night, poor excuse i know, they are coming here on monday

HAW - you are throwing out random posts that aren't really making any sense tbh.

sorry, connection issues again

I think she is a) on a bit of a dodgy connection and b) new to mumsnet so not necessarily aware of how fast-moving threads can be.

How did you get to hear the tapes? I wasn't allowed to be privy to any of the evidence. To this day I don't know what dd said to the police.

yes nabster they seem random, i keep getting disconnected so my relies arent in line with the posts

Mindalina and Nabster - i was only worried about you and others who may reveal too much. Been bitten too many times myself.

But i suppose that's why we're here - to support and i'm sorry for any offence taken.

The more you reveal the guiltier he sounds and the more I feel your daughter is trying to save you all from the fall out by stopping this before he gets what he deserves.

Oh drinking That's very pertinent indeed imo. Think abusers often use drink or drugs to diminish their feelings of responsbility (cod psychology i know but i think it's true) but also to disinhibit (is that a word) victims. Sorry

(Maybe CMP comment about revealing too much was aimed at me? TBH i couldn't care less ify ou can identify me, if you can do that you can identify him and stay the fuck away, so it's like a public service no?)

the tapes arrived as husband had ticked the box in interview, a cockup on the polices part i think as im sure i shouldnt have had access to them

CMP - no worries. Thank you.

What do you mean by,

assaulted? no, and

all but 1?

Ah I see what you mean about the tapes now. You are asked if you want copies of them when interviewed and they are sent to the interviewee's home address.

So you have her evidence tapes in your house?

It does sound plausible, I agree with SGB.

Of course she is conflicted, she has an attachment to this man.

If he HAS done anything to her you need to act FOR her in getting him tried and if need be, punished - justice in other words.

The fact is she is a child. She may very well be unable mentally/emotionally to comprehend the latent effects of what may have taken place. The anger she will feel later in her life will be Horrifying, and it needs to have been tempered by the fact that justice was served - in other words, she's possibly going to lose her dad over this and is very very mixed up. YOU need to take her anger on board FOR her at this point, and deal with him as he should be dealt with, ON HER BEHALF. If you don't, ie if you let her let him off the hook, and don't step in to take proper control of the situation, she will be left with a legacy of regret and shame and utter confusion which could set her up very badly for the future.

It's not her responsibility to decide if he faces charges or not - she is too young to have to make that kind of choice.

Do you see what I'm getting at?

I hope it makes sense.

yes to both, dodgy connection and first timer, and trying to do tea!!!

Nabster, no, she has copies of the husband's interview tapes (audio).

As far as I'm aware you don't get the same option re: the video taped interview(s) with the child.

I am off to bath the kids.

I wish HAW you could start this again.

Your dd said X happened.
Your H has explained it by X.
I do/don't believe my daughter.
I do/don't believe my husband/
This is what I am going to do.

No, Not my dd's, my husbands, and yes, i still have them

I appreciate that those of you who've had similar experiences will feel very strongly about this and of course what parent wouldn't. However, please stop and think about how this mother is feeling. Have you never woken up in the morning after a terrible thing has happened and your mind has done everything it can to believe it hasn't happened? Surely HAW is feeling just this - something truly awful has happened and doesn't want to believe it's true, not only that, but there isn't clear evidence.

Now I know that doesn't mean that her dd is lying, but my goodness surely it's understandable for a mother/wife to secretly wish she was. You'd feel that it would be a lot easier to help the dd work out why she said it than to ever recover from the alternative.

I just think some of you should try to be a little more understanding.

Fwiw I would suggest that the best advice is to contact the organisations people have already mentioned and to ensure that your dd is absolutely convinced you believe her - even if you have doubts. Act like you do and get some support for yourself.

Dear me, this is a very dificult situation (stating the obvious).

As I have said (repeatedly) I thnk you need to make very clear to your daugter that you believe her, as she is your child and you are her protector. However I understand you turmoil, in that you are having to come to terms with the fact that you family life (which you believed to be good up to now) has certainly changed forever.

How old are your sons? And are they your husband's children, or are they hisstep children too? Must be very difficult for them too, but they must need counselling as well (you said earlier that they believe she has made it up having been influenced by a storyline in Eastenders).

the police have said it is her choice totally, under the rules of gillick

may be totally wrong here, could he have given her drink too?
making her feel more 'responsible' & 'guilty' for being naughty.
just a thought from the comment about 'disinhibiting' victims....

HAW how old are the boys?
Does your husband know you have seen the tapes?

Do you have a 'family' police officer (don't know correct term) that you could ring. maybe tell them that he lied about the drink.
or just have a chat about what happens next. might help to talk to someone...