Feel desperately let down by Relate counsellor who makes me feel like I am going mad for thinking DP shows warning signs of abusiveness...

[cheerfulvicky]

Sorry, just need to vent. I know Relate are supposed to be impartial and not take sides, but I feel so upset about tonight's session and can't face ever going back. And I think my relationship is over.

The counsellor
laughed at me and implied I was oversensitive for feeling flattened by DPs quietly controlling behaviour. Said I should 'rebel' and just do what I wanted while staying in the relationship. I don't want to rebel because I want an equal partnership, not one where my partners insecurity and issues with control leave me feeling like my every move is scrutinized, I am subtly discouraged from doing anything that would make me likely to become more confident and therefore leave him.

I was sobbing as I left as I left utterly distraught at not being taken seriously. I do feel frightened of my partner sometimes, he has never hit me but there is huge imbalance in our relationship and I feel like she doesn't understand HOW FUCKING HARD it is to break the cycle. She has no concept of how broken down you can get, how belittled and small and silly you can feel so that you CAN'T rebel, can't bloody do anything because you are a shadow of your former self. I feel like buying her a copy of Lundy Bancroft's book and sending it to her, but I do not feel like going back there. I don't think I can do anything except leave him, and that's what I'm going to do.

I badly wanted support but Relate isn't helping, its made things worse and he now seems to think his behaviour isn't a problem at all , that we are 'miscomunicating' or it's all in my head. Am so upset right now, I just had to get this out. My mum was babysitting and when I was still crying when we got home, she saw how bad I was. She was great, said I am not going mad, the counsellor hasn't seen the real situation in a few sessions and not to lose heart, this stuff is happening, I'm not imagining it. She told me to go and read the websites about passive agressive behaviour to reassure myself I'm not mad, it's subtle but real.

Please could you give me some support and be gentle, because I'm very low tonight and I haven't felt this upset in years. If it wasn't for my son I think I'd be in a much worse, more self destructive place. I feel so betrayed by the counsellor. I understand how it has to be but, God, it hurts. I feel so alone.

All that stuff people say about being in charge of your own destiny is actually true (although it sounds like verbal fluff most of the time!) I think we all get so bogged down in the details and the constant battles we have to keep fighting just to get through the day we forget that. This is YOUR life and YOU control it, not partners, not parents, not even kids....

Now go girl do what you need to do!!!

!

They weren't until the news broke! I thought we all got on well, I feel so let down and alone. I've put my energy into making my relationship with him good, and getting on with his mum, and now I feel like I shouldn't have bothered. She only liked me as long as I was making him happy, it wasn't based on anything else at all...

I'm off to have something to eat, have hardly had anything today. Hey, at least I'll lose that baby weight

x posted Pepa, thank you

Try not to feel let down, that just gives them all the power.

If they are so shallow it is their loss not yours. .

Cheerful, live where you want to live, take the property if you want it, you can always move in six months when the lease is up.

I'm sorry his family are being so unpleasant, I suppose it's natural that they should take his side, though.

Keep eating and take multivitamins if you're not eating, you don't need malnutrition on top of everything else you're dealing with right now!

Well, yesterday afternoon a new property appeared on the letting agents website in my town of choice. I instantly fell in love with it, and asked about viewing. Today I viewed it, and this evening they offered it to me. I am SO HAPPY. When I walked in there it instantly felt like home. In a way that is a bit sad, as it means my instincts are right and I have spent one and a half years living in a place that didn't feel remotely like home. The contrast is unbelievable.

All being well I should move in within 2 -3 weeks. DP is sulking and very tight lipped because I went against his advice and decided not to consider him and his mum, as recommended. Actually I have considered them, as I'm going to buy his mum a railcard so she can visit on the train very cheaply, it's 30 miles away from them and she's not too confident driving to the supermarket. You'd think I was moving to Peru the way they are behaving.

I know DP is very sad and his family now hate me, but I just feel so free. I can see the future clearer now - it's lovely.
Thank you for all the advice you have given on this thread. I will continue to update, I'm really grateful for the support here because I think if I didn't know about MN, I wouldn't have had the guts to do this.
x

ohhh, so happy for you

Good for you, cheerfulvicky! I'm so pleased that you've found somewhere lovely for you and your DS, that the future looks brighter and that you feel optimistic. Good luck with the next few weeks before the move. It sounds like you will be able to rise above his family's immature and spiteful behaviour, it is very considerate of you to buy his mum a railcard. 30 minutes on the train is nothing!

That's fantastic news - I'm jealous of you starting a new phase in your life with your son! I bet you didn't think you were doing anything to make someone envious, but you are.

No need to be jealous lilac, soon this will be you! Is your H still refusing to accept the fact that it is over? I can only imagine how frustrating that must be. I hope you manage to move forward with things soon...

Thanks vicky, there has been a little progress this week. On Monday night he started sleeping in the guest room, although he has not yet moved any of this clothes or belongings (which I will tolerate for a short time, but not for long). We have had some more stressful conversations in which he says things like 'I'll be 64 when DD2 finishes uni, you'll be at the peak of your earning capacity and may have to maintain me' (like f*ck I will...) and he still refuses to tell anyone it's over, and doesn't want the girls to know.

I looked at a flat on shared ownership on Saturday. I'm a few thousand short right now as I'd need 10.5k to pay 10% deposit and solicitors fees etc, so I'm biding my time and building a nest egg/escape fund. Ideally I'd be able to get a 3 bed place, but this was a 2 bed and somewhere like that will probably have to do. It's so difficult to think that I'll be the person who breaks up the family and removes the children from the family home (from huge 5 bed semi to 2 bed flat) but for the sake of my sanity I think that point will come. Quite often I wish I'd done it years ago, when they were too little to have the sort of conversations I'm going to end up having soon.

Anyway, at least there is light at the end of the tunnel, and at the moment your light is brighter and the tunnel considerably shorter! Hopefully I'm not too far behind, but I really am pleased for you.

Only just caught up with this thread and wanted to say you are totally doing the right thing, these kind of people do not change, it's too entrenched in their psyches.

I was with a man for three years with controlling tendencies. Was terrified to leave him ( I thought I loved him)

Now I realise that it wasn't real love, that life does not have to be about struggle, and there really are plenty more fish in the sea. And it wasn't as hard to leave as I thought ( though he tried every tactic in the book to get me back)

Be strong and stick to your guns, as someone said it's your life.

CV: I expect his mother and sister fervently believe that men are more important than women. and women's function is to service men. Well, they can service your XH now, it's no longer your job. Well done and best of luck.