Blimey, you have been busy. I checked at 6am as I couldn't sleep, but didn't feel like posting. Thanks for all the replies. I'm feeling marginally better today, although quite apprehensive about what will happen when DP gets in from work (we weren't speaking last night). To add some extra interest, MIL usually pops in about 5.20, so things could be a bit... strained.
lessonslearned: I also wanted to ask if you were a counsellor but didn't have the energy.
I have a lot of respect for you, and you offer some good advice on these boards normally, but I must disagree with you on this one. It doesn't appear that our counsellor has a master plan, or that she is about to 'take it to the next level', and I don't feel that I will be missing out from enlightenment that can't be obtained elsewhere if I don't go back. I would say that as I have actually met the woman, and told her all I can in the short time allowed, that she is instead (to quote others on here) hopelessly out of her depth.
She's not a bad person, but she doesn't have and never will have the understanding necessary, because she doesn't follow us around 27/4 and see what he's really like. He's coming across as hurt, wounded, powerless, gruff, bad at communication, and not one for displays of affection - but with with a soft heart. This is not the person I live with at home, though there are times when he is like that. When I got home from that appointment I couldn't speak for crying, but once I could my first words to my mum were "She doesn't believe me". That's pretty much how I feel. I may have been looking in the wrong place for support and I recognize that, but it still stings. I never ever want to sit in that fucking room again and try to explain only to have the focus shifted, half the things I say ignored because they don't add up, don't fit in with her agenda of putting a massive plaster over it all.
To all the rest of you who posted, thank you so much. I did remember Lundy Bancroft mentioning that couples counselling is unhelpful in these situations, but by the time I got to that place in the book our first appointment with Relate had been arranged, and I had been really keen to go. So I though I'd give it a try
At the beginning of the session yesterday I felt really confident, and calm. Dp was quiet, and very sad because I think he knows its not going to work from stuff I'd said the day before. By the END of the session I had tears streaming down my face, she was ushering us out the door because our time was up, and Dp had a new light in his eyes. He'd perked up remarkably. They both looked at me pityingly and little smiles as they asked if I wanted to come back. "Well," said Dp, sounding chipper, "I think we've got something here. Why DON'T you feel able to just do what you want, even if I make it difficult for you or are discouraging? Yes, I think there's something to be explored here." He looked positively cheerful. The whole issue of whether I wanted to be with him or not, his agony at waiting for me to make up my mind, his feelings of powerlessness, were gone.
It was, hurrah - we've found a reason for all the shit, and that reason is MISUNDERSTANDING COUPLED WITH OVERSENSITIVITY. It explains everything. Lets not think about whether or not you want to leave me and get the fuck away from all this, lets try and fix things. Because you're the one with the problem, so we can start with you! You're simply reading too much into things! I never intended to be nasty or controlling, you just think I did. All we need to do now is convince you of the same...
I guess we need to talk tonight at some point. The counsellor may be many things, but she was right when she said that we need to talk