Feel desperately let down by Relate counsellor who makes me feel like I am going mad for thinking DP shows warning signs of abusiveness...

[cheerfulvicky]

Sorry, just need to vent. I know Relate are supposed to be impartial and not take sides, but I feel so upset about tonight's session and can't face ever going back. And I think my relationship is over.

The counsellor
laughed at me and implied I was oversensitive for feeling flattened by DPs quietly controlling behaviour. Said I should 'rebel' and just do what I wanted while staying in the relationship. I don't want to rebel because I want an equal partnership, not one where my partners insecurity and issues with control leave me feeling like my every move is scrutinized, I am subtly discouraged from doing anything that would make me likely to become more confident and therefore leave him.

I was sobbing as I left as I left utterly distraught at not being taken seriously. I do feel frightened of my partner sometimes, he has never hit me but there is huge imbalance in our relationship and I feel like she doesn't understand HOW FUCKING HARD it is to break the cycle. She has no concept of how broken down you can get, how belittled and small and silly you can feel so that you CAN'T rebel, can't bloody do anything because you are a shadow of your former self. I feel like buying her a copy of Lundy Bancroft's book and sending it to her, but I do not feel like going back there. I don't think I can do anything except leave him, and that's what I'm going to do.

I badly wanted support but Relate isn't helping, its made things worse and he now seems to think his behaviour isn't a problem at all , that we are 'miscomunicating' or it's all in my head. Am so upset right now, I just had to get this out. My mum was babysitting and when I was still crying when we got home, she saw how bad I was. She was great, said I am not going mad, the counsellor hasn't seen the real situation in a few sessions and not to lose heart, this stuff is happening, I'm not imagining it. She told me to go and read the websites about passive agressive behaviour to reassure myself I'm not mad, it's subtle but real.

Please could you give me some support and be gentle, because I'm very low tonight and I haven't felt this upset in years. If it wasn't for my son I think I'd be in a much worse, more self destructive place. I feel so betrayed by the counsellor. I understand how it has to be but, God, it hurts. I feel so alone.

Left her in tears/feeling like she is not being taken seriously, and the abuser feels he is ok - that is exactly why I believe the counsellor has a good grasp of this situation at the clarification stage!
That's a pretty good summary of how it is. If they walk away now it will only remain the same, the counsellor has not made it any different to how it was.
Cheerful deserves so much more, and IMHO she will benefit greatly for seeing it through.

Why the hell would many people want to go back to a couples counsellor who made them feel that way after bolstering the abuser??

So the "punchline" never arrives

It is not a risk I would want to take

You may be right LL but it is a big risk...as others have said.

To come at this from another angle LL:

If the counsellor wanted to do that why didn't she let cheerful in on her plan?

MOrningsun, I can fully accept my ability to be arrogant - that is what kept me in an abusive relationship (believing I could help poor exH - oh how he laughed).
As a result I went into therapy myself for 2yrs and, yes it was very painful to realise the part I played in maintaining the abusive relationship. I went on to train in counselling myself which is why I think (don't want to be too much of a smart arse - I already said I can often be wrong) I understand the process.
Cheerful can follow your advice and walk away from counselling now - nothing will have changed, and we will never know whether it would have been worth it.

well maybe if you learned a lot from your counselling is why you sound slightly evangelical about continuing it.
personally i think the quality of counselling depends on personal qualities and intelligence of the counsellor,but i firmly believe with vulnerable people they should be kind,and try to relieve distress esp at the end of a session.
they are not always very kind,expert or intelligent people,after all its an easy qualification to get.

agree with dittany

Mumonthenet, the counsellor is not using any deception and anyone can get in on the 'plan' just by accessing training. There is no magic or sleiht of hand - only a completely tranparent process as I have pointed out earlier.
I am gennuinely (can't sp for toffee) excited for cheerful because I fully believe her to be on the brink of a breakthrough and I truely think she's worth it.
I would not waste my time encouraging her if I didn't and risk the flaming I am getting here. (I fully expect to hear the 'T' word next.)
If it was as easy as going to a counsellor and immediately 'feeling better' then I would expect they must have a magic wand. Unfortunately it is a more complex process that requires courage and commitment - 2 qualities that I think cheerful has plenty of!

ll, i too am chiled by your 'if they don't go back nothing will have changed' line. the courage and effort it takes some people to go to counselling just once, and they play mind games with you?

i think you're a bit mad tbh ll.

you didn't like 'a bit mad'?

no what motn meant was the plan to sort his attitude out next session,since cv is unaware of that plan ,she's gutted as she felt put down and ganged up against.
she shouldn't have to go home and look up the clarification stage to not feel totally gutted,it doesn't make sense ll.

Morningsun, I often discourage people from going to counselling on here and have also questioned the ability of counsellors too.

If we believe we are all equal then the vulnerable can develope resilience (and the arrogant develope humility). If you believe that there is no possibility of change, then counselling is not for you.

Being kind and relieving distress is not the job of the counsellor. It is 'pastoral care' which does not work toward change.
I believe cheerfuls situation can and (hopefully) will change, and I think she has found a good (change agent) counsellor here.
If I am proved wrong then I will come back and offer my most sincere humility.

and if you're wrong and her dh takes the counsellor's words as a nod to step things up a gear?

Thanks for your pity, dittany (lol, i'm not alone in my arrogance, then?).
I say again that she feels gutted, put down and ganged up against - with all your affirmation, am I the only one here who has faith in her?

do you know what, fuck you for saying that, ll. totally manipulative, utterly disgusting, you are either a fucking lunatic or a troll.

i have the utmost faith in her, clearly she shows great strength of character in not crumbling after an utter cunt of a counsellor made her feel like shit.

cripes morningsun, I hadn't realised that LL had misunderstood my question. Pay attention motn.

Yes, LL, what I meant was, since we all agree that cheerful suffered badly at her latest session, and she is already suffering at the hands of her dp, why didn't the counsellor help her to understand that tonight's session was only part of the process towards getting her dp to take responsibility and start the change?

No aitch, he will direct his anger toward the counsellor. She will have all the resources in place to protect her, and she will be ready for it.
He will find it is more that he bargains on but she will not counter abuse with the same. She will challenge him to take responsibility for his behaviour!
I'm assuming the counsellor is a 'she' - yet another little arrogance of mine?

There is no way that LL is a troll, even though I disagree with her assessment of the counselling sitution here- the truth is we are all rooting for CV, and it's up to her whether she wants to take it forward with this counsellor or not!

well, bof, i gave two options.