Feel desperately let down by Relate counsellor who makes me feel like I am going mad for thinking DP shows warning signs of abusiveness...

[cheerfulvicky]

Sorry, just need to vent. I know Relate are supposed to be impartial and not take sides, but I feel so upset about tonight's session and can't face ever going back. And I think my relationship is over.

The counsellor
laughed at me and implied I was oversensitive for feeling flattened by DPs quietly controlling behaviour. Said I should 'rebel' and just do what I wanted while staying in the relationship. I don't want to rebel because I want an equal partnership, not one where my partners insecurity and issues with control leave me feeling like my every move is scrutinized, I am subtly discouraged from doing anything that would make me likely to become more confident and therefore leave him.

I was sobbing as I left as I left utterly distraught at not being taken seriously. I do feel frightened of my partner sometimes, he has never hit me but there is huge imbalance in our relationship and I feel like she doesn't understand HOW FUCKING HARD it is to break the cycle. She has no concept of how broken down you can get, how belittled and small and silly you can feel so that you CAN'T rebel, can't bloody do anything because you are a shadow of your former self. I feel like buying her a copy of Lundy Bancroft's book and sending it to her, but I do not feel like going back there. I don't think I can do anything except leave him, and that's what I'm going to do.

I badly wanted support but Relate isn't helping, its made things worse and he now seems to think his behaviour isn't a problem at all , that we are 'miscomunicating' or it's all in my head. Am so upset right now, I just had to get this out. My mum was babysitting and when I was still crying when we got home, she saw how bad I was. She was great, said I am not going mad, the counsellor hasn't seen the real situation in a few sessions and not to lose heart, this stuff is happening, I'm not imagining it. She told me to go and read the websites about passive agressive behaviour to reassure myself I'm not mad, it's subtle but real.

Please could you give me some support and be gentle, because I'm very low tonight and I haven't felt this upset in years. If it wasn't for my son I think I'd be in a much worse, more self destructive place. I feel so betrayed by the counsellor. I understand how it has to be but, God, it hurts. I feel so alone.

maybe, in her own incompetent way, she has done just that, vicky?

FWIW, I don't believe the counsellor is manipulating, undermining or irresponsible. I'm also quite sure she can see the OPs DPs behaviour for what it is. I'm 100% behind cheerful in following through with this though as she deserves much more than affirmation - we are all (quite rightly) doing just that, as is her mum.
I also don't think the counsellor has underestimated cheerfuls ability to cope - after all what else has she been doing all along, in extreme circumstances!
Cheerful,I think that you will be thrilled, delighted and transformed by the next stages in your therapeutic process. To give up now would confirm your feelings of hopelessness and being misunderstood (and also confirm his superiority!).
I already know you have the strength to continue - after all that's what's brought you this far.
Please don't stay stuck like this - you don't deserve it. See it through and find enlightenment - it's yours for the taking.

so, lessonlearned, if what you're saying is true, how can counsellors who follow this strategy be reassured that the abuser won't give up on the sessions before a breakthrough that he might find uncomfortable?

it seems to me to be a very dangerous strategy.

cheerfulvicky,

one thing I remember from the Lundy Bancroft book is that he is adamant that couples counselling does not work in an abusive relationship.

I can't remember the reasoning but he was absolutely convinced of this. Please check out the book again and see if what he says applies to you.

Basically, I think he says, to change a abusive relationship the abuser has to take total and unconditional responsibility for his actions and change them. It is nothing to do with the victim and not her responsibility to support him.

So sorry you are having such an awful time.

LL I think you are on dodgy ground here. SOme abusers absolutely love couple counselling as they are good enough at manipulation to get the counsellor to collude in blaming the victim and telling her to change her behaviour in order to placate and manage the abuser, which just makes the situation worse. The most insidious abusers are very good at alienating their victim from other people and making her seem unreasonable and selfish.

Cheerful is already in a dangerous situation aitch - the counsellor did not make that happen.
Her DP is far too arrogant to anticipate the counsellors next move - it will hit him from left field and he will not be able to avoid it. He is relying on cheerful to give in like she usually does and accept the helplessness of her situation - then they will get to keep their problem unchanged.
Keep going to the counsellor, cheerful, and don't let your DP in on what I've told you. The element of surprise is more important to him than it is to you, which is why I have 'talked tactics' to give you some confidence in the process.

hugely dodgy, ll. playing god, i'd go so far as to say.

Ahh, but solid there are some very well trained consellors as well as the naive amatures (sorry, sp).
I would put money on this one to fall into the former camp.
I could always be wrong here - it has often been known, but I think it's time he got it right between the eyes, and I'm convinced that is exactly what will happen next (unless cheerful is not the brave woman I think she is!).

I don't think LL is talking through her hat, from what I remember of a thread she was on she has a lot of first hand experience of being in cheerful's situation.

She may be right, or Lundy's book may be appropriate - only cheerful can be the judge of that.

Poor cheerful.

I have no idea whether LL is right

But that seems like a very dangerous tactic for a counsellor to take - especially as she has no idea if this couple will be coming back. And in the mean time she has upset the OP and "justified" her DP (in his eyes)

It is not a risk I would have taken in her shoes

The counsellor is inviting a 'transference' of feelings toward her (and also inviting cheerful to rebel against her!). She will also invite cheerfuls DP to 'attack' - which he most certainly will (the arrogant prick) and he will transfer his aggression to the counsellor. She on the other hand will be ready for it and it is him that will be 'called out!
I don't always recommend counselling, but I think this is really worth seeing through.
No gain without pain - and cheerful has had hers, it's his turn next!

and you don't think that this is dangerous, ll? what happens to the husbands who don't go back for theirs? more importantly, what happens to their wives?

Dittany - he/she, lol!
The counsellor did not betray or dismiss cheerful, she understood her feelings of helplessness and invited her rebellion!
Welldone her, I say.
You are welcome to dismiss me anytime, however, I can take it! I really want cheerful to go for it though because I think she will come out if this very, very well indeed!

have you read her post, ll?

Sorry, lost control of my hyphens.

I spose it they might not go back as it has just given him the justification to go to the next level of abuse.

Honestly - I never thought that confronting ONE person in a relationship, who feels that they are the abused one (and so may well be, and are in this situation) while building up the abuser would be a good idea.

I must talk to a qualified counselling friend for some perspective on this, as it has left me quite worried

Invited rebellion that left her in tears??? Feeling like she is not being taken seriously>

I most certainly have aitch, and I'm behind her all the way!!
The counsellor has not done anything dangerous or played God here. If cheerful gives up then the situation will merely remain the same (bad enough, but not the counsellors doing).
The counsellor is not doiung anything underhand - presumably they went for help and it sounds to me like she is using her skills very wisely and appropriately.
I'm glad cheerful has found someone who will do her justice!

cheerful, I know you've gone to bed. Please come back tomorrow and tell us how you are.

Sleep well.

well, if they don't go back the counsellor has confirmed to the abuser that he's okay and that she's a sensitive hysteric. i'd definitely say that made it worse.

lessonlearned why are you being so dogmatic and forcedly cheery when you don't know what the counsellors intentions were any more than the rest of us?
You have an arrogant tone