DP got violent sort of, but I provoked him, not sure what to make of it all (long)

[Crowley]

I have name changed for this.

I have been with my partner for around 2 years, we have lived together for the past year or so.

I am out 3 nights a week on a college course (purely hobby, nothing that will further career or anything). Last friday night I was invited out to the pub for a few drinks. I went and DP was fine about it. I also went out on the saturday night with some friends and on the sunday morning until lunch time.

All last week was normal, work during day, out 3 nights at college. I was invited out again on Friday night to an anne summers party. I went but DP asked if I'd stay in saturday as he'd like to get a takaway and watch movie together. I agreed.

Saturday however I was invited out to somewhere I used to go years ago and had missed loads, I agreed. I didn't think DP would be that bothered.

Anyway he was and asked me to cancel. I said no. He got really angry with me and said I was being selfish. I kind if knew deep down that I was but I'm stubborn and didn't want to back down. I insisted I'd be going out and he didn't have to like it.

Saturday evening came and I started getting ready. He cornered me in the living room and said he wasn't going to let me out. I told him I wasn't asking for him permision and I turned my back on him. He then grabbed my arm, spun me back to him and pinned me against the wall. He dropped his arms when he realised he'd frightend me but he kept shouting in my face and he was being so aggressive. Its the first time I have ever feared him. Its the most frightened I have ever been to be honest. I thought he was going to beat me up.

He finished by shouting "get away, out of my fucking sight" and I ran upstairs. I cancelled going out and then started to get changed into night clothes, crying. He came charging upstairs a few minutes later, caught me half undressed and shouted "are you getting changed???" thinking I was getting ready to go out. I told him I was getting changed into nightclothes and he shouted "don't you dare fucking lie to me" and I showed him my nightdress. I was crying and so scared again and he took it off me, put his arms around and me and said "i'm so sorry, I'm acting like a complete twat. Don't ever be frightened of me, I just miss you when you're out all the time".

I'm confused by it all because I KNOW I provoked the whole thing by being so selfish and arrogent. But, I'm still not sure if he would have hit me if I'd pushed him further and that bothers me.

I have apologised to but I'm now feeling wary of him which I never did before. Am I justified or as it was my own fault it got so bad, should I let it go?

LOL@motn - I agree!

I must say I'm impressed with the imagination (that is unfortunately wasted) on these forums.

A topic that has turned people paranoid, verbally abusive, territorial and second guessing whether a poster is a mysognistic muslim transexual on an internet message board!

People seem to be a lot more crazy and abusive than the people they're judging than they actually realise.

Mission accomplished

Salem, lol, but you are right there.
I admire your restraint at refusing the provocation.
Shame this thread was hijacked in this fashion. Quite nasty and unneccessary IMO.

Salem1: You started with an idiotic viewpoint and you got called on it. Big deal. Are you very inadequate in real life? Desperate to be able to resort to violence every time people point and laugh at you, hence your drooling appreciation of it?

Thanks LL

LOL @ SGB4MV I'm loving this!

Salem1, I thought you were a man, and I apologise for that, however, you did state that the way to make a relationship work is to show a man more respect.

this thread was started by a woman whose "dp got violent" so it is disingenuous of you to start dishing out ludicrous advice such as 'show your partner more respect' and then have the nerve to get hoity toity clutching your handbag when people rightly tear strips off you.

Female or male you are a misogynist if you believe that the way to survive or endure a violent relationship is to show your parnter more respect.

The men you talk about in the studies who commit crimes when they are disrespected,or dissed as they no doubt say, are they men worth being married to? Because they sound like men who've been brought up to regard gun/knife and gang culture as the norm.

Most mumsnetters, and I'm going out on a real limb here are NOT married to a man who carries a knife around in his inside pocket.

perhaps your relationship is tickety boo, and that's lovely for you, but for the sake of vulnerable women who are feeling trapped and crushed by controlling men, do NOT come on to these threads and tell them (in so many words) that it's their own fault.

I have never before mistaken a poster for a man, nor accused a woman of being a misogynist. But sadly you are one of a growing number of posters on MN who find the subject of abuse and controlling men boring or 'oh we talked about thisyesterday'.

This subject, women in abusive relationships, it's not a band wagon to jump on. If it bores or annoys you, then fek off and contribute to threads about breastfeeding or something. You are ill-equipped to help people here.

please take a look here

her Dp was violent. he stopped for 4/5 years. but he became violent again. if they have the ability in them it never goes away.

Bored? It's mind blowingly entertaining.

I didn't read all your post but are you sweating and mumbling to yourself while you?re typing?

I do agree salem on some things. I also think realistically the poster spoke about an incident not a long history of abuse.
She was disrespectful to him I think. She went out repeatedly, he asked her to stay in, she didn't want to. That doesn't show any respect for someone.
I think some mn's demonstrate hysterical responses to things that don't require it. No one person should say that others are ill equipped to give advice. I was beaten as a child- does that make me more equipped to discuss or less because its an emotive issue for me? Everyones'opinion is valid.

So when is it right to show disrespect?
You can denounce violence anyway you want but to do so by belittling, mocking, baiting and using racist comments, it's not going to give weight to your pov, quite the opposite.
With respect, I believe that when the shouting starts (or the mudslinging) then people stop listening. I say again, it's a shame because the OP opened up an interesting debate.

ROTFLMAO @ RIMOV

Forget defining abuse. What is a discussion/ debate if not thought 'provoking'?

However, I'm not expecting you to actually answer with any rationale just to provoke you to keep typing hysterically.

I was talking in general terms (regarding comments on this thread).
I'm not sure why there is this need to take anyones pov as a personal insult when that is clearly not the intention.

You make it so easy.

Talking against abuse by being hysterical, derogatory, verbally abusive, racist, sexist, etc, etc is all amusing to me.

I don't see why you can't get that simple message

I'm guessing it's the irony regarding aggression, Salem?

I'm not going to waste my time re-reading the posts to try to catch you out.

The fact is I'm not out to personally attack you on anyone as I have demonstrated.

Exactly LL - My partner and I don't swear at each other because we see that as abuse and not respect.

Therefore the amusing aspects of the conversations on abuse to me are the postings with hysterical, derogatory, verbally abusive, racist, sexist, etc, etc in its content.

Thanks Salem. It can be irritating to have to explain the joke to people. Sometimes I do have a sense of humour - honest!

I find it rather more interesting that funny though. I'm wondering if there is an element of post trauma syndrom (sp) in play here which is fueling a kneejerk reaction?
Just a thought?

Salem, you're here for the ruck because it's so easy are you?

You've just made it quite clear that you shouldn't be here, shouldn't be on this thread.

WOuld you walk into a women's refuge and tell them all that they had over-reacted, should have shown their partners more respect, and say you would listen to their life stories, but "yawn".

You are a strange person. This isn't a game. We're not here for your entertainment. Go and start an 'easy ruck' on another thread.

LL, I do find it sick that people who haven't lived through this stumble on to these threads and come out with ludicrous advice, then get the arse, start a fight 'because it's easy' or whatever.

Don't you lot who are saying 'knee-jerk' and 'bandwagon' grasp that this is some women's lives?? If you tell them that they've no right to feel crushed and trapped then they won't have the courage to try and make a better life for themselves.

They'll still be here in 20 yrs, posting that their husband has never listened to them, never taken their feelings into account in any respect, that basically they've wasted their life with a man who didn't have any respect for THEM.

Salem, you were called out with good reason, have the grace to accept it was with very good reason and now go and post on chit chat and trivia or sleb twaddle. Start a ruck there by all means.

Ps, and as for 'wasting time on the internet' I'm trying to help somebody. NOT a waste of time imo.

You're trying to start a ruck.

Take a long hard look at yourself.

LOL!

'Ruckers and the suckers who fall for it!'

Please continue...

DSITL, sorry if I offended you with the 'kneejerk' part of the question that I posed.
There is no way I would ever wish to trivialise anyones experience of abuse (in whatever form), or their reaction to it, but I do think there is room for debate on whether rehabilitation can work and what circumstances warrant (sp) further understanding.
I speak as someone who was left with post traumatic stress syndrome and it took a lot of therapy to get through. I am open to hearing others pov, and although I have strong opinions myself, I would not say they were in anyway fixed because I have changed my mind about many things over the years and I do want to learn more through shared experience.

There us room for debate but not on a thread started by a woman who says her dp got violent, nor on the other thread, by poster 'justwantoutofthis' who described feeling 10% and 90% unhappy, and crushed and trapped. These threads, started by unhappy trapped women aren't the place for the debate.

Support them, or move along please. Otherwise I find it on a par with stopping beside an accident and saying, are you really hurt or are you hamming it up a bit for the ambulance?? this is the second accident i've seen this week! everybody's jumping on this bandwagon! yswim! lOok at Salem's pathetic post above for proof that ON the threads started by women in trouble is not the place for debate. Salem is in need of a few hours of counselling herself I think. to come on to a thread where people have real problems and MOCK. Well, it's no wonder I thought she was a man. That is the pattern a controlling man takes when challenged.

FWIW I think there is room for debate and I intend to keep trying to understand other posters pov and to contribute mine with an open mind.
If there was never a way back from abusive exchanges, then Social services would be removing children by the busload and family life as we understand it would effectively be over. The terrible,tragic consequences when they get it wrong are thankfully a tiny minority of cases. Somewhere in that there is a lesson.