DP got violent sort of, but I provoked him, not sure what to make of it all (long)

[Crowley]

I have name changed for this.

I have been with my partner for around 2 years, we have lived together for the past year or so.

I am out 3 nights a week on a college course (purely hobby, nothing that will further career or anything). Last friday night I was invited out to the pub for a few drinks. I went and DP was fine about it. I also went out on the saturday night with some friends and on the sunday morning until lunch time.

All last week was normal, work during day, out 3 nights at college. I was invited out again on Friday night to an anne summers party. I went but DP asked if I'd stay in saturday as he'd like to get a takaway and watch movie together. I agreed.

Saturday however I was invited out to somewhere I used to go years ago and had missed loads, I agreed. I didn't think DP would be that bothered.

Anyway he was and asked me to cancel. I said no. He got really angry with me and said I was being selfish. I kind if knew deep down that I was but I'm stubborn and didn't want to back down. I insisted I'd be going out and he didn't have to like it.

Saturday evening came and I started getting ready. He cornered me in the living room and said he wasn't going to let me out. I told him I wasn't asking for him permision and I turned my back on him. He then grabbed my arm, spun me back to him and pinned me against the wall. He dropped his arms when he realised he'd frightend me but he kept shouting in my face and he was being so aggressive. Its the first time I have ever feared him. Its the most frightened I have ever been to be honest. I thought he was going to beat me up.

He finished by shouting "get away, out of my fucking sight" and I ran upstairs. I cancelled going out and then started to get changed into night clothes, crying. He came charging upstairs a few minutes later, caught me half undressed and shouted "are you getting changed???" thinking I was getting ready to go out. I told him I was getting changed into nightclothes and he shouted "don't you dare fucking lie to me" and I showed him my nightdress. I was crying and so scared again and he took it off me, put his arms around and me and said "i'm so sorry, I'm acting like a complete twat. Don't ever be frightened of me, I just miss you when you're out all the time".

I'm confused by it all because I KNOW I provoked the whole thing by being so selfish and arrogent. But, I'm still not sure if he would have hit me if I'd pushed him further and that bothers me.

I have apologised to but I'm now feeling wary of him which I never did before. Am I justified or as it was my own fault it got so bad, should I let it go?

I haven't seen anyone say that it's okay to be violent if you're provoked RIMV.

For me personally, I don't think it's my place to tell people (based on a few lines from an OP) to

• Get out of their relationship
• Cut off others from their lives
• Break up their family
• Do this or do that

I will never know the whole situation based on one person's view - no matter how extreme or vague it may come across.

Life is not black and white so I ask questions and make suggestions based on my personal knowledge and experience.

I do not usually advise people to leave their marriages Salem. But you asked what one should do if one risked being pushed to commit murder. And my response would be to do anything to avoid the risk of such a hideous situation.

I do not know what the OP ought to do.

Lol, have read the opening OP and looked at the last couple of posts.

In true mumsnet fashion, its now blown out of all proportion and talking about murder!

Does anyone that posts on here actually like men?

LOL lilacclaire

I do! I was going to start a post on does anyone like men or have a good relationship but I didn't think it'd be popular.

I remember seeing a thread about how great dh's were, it never took off

salem - I think you're being a teeny bit disingenuous agreeing with lilacclaire considering you're the only one who mentioned murder

Not at all. I didn't take her post as a personal attack as you can see we're laughing at it all. .

Spicemonster, you took the words out of my mouth.

Your original question Salem, what would happen if somebody was provoked to Murder? Well, what do you mean, would they be liable? YEs. Would they probably regret it? Yes. WOuld it ruin a lot of lives, not just their late partner's and their own? Yes.

So it would make sense to remove yourself from the relationship. The same principle obviously applies for agression that stops short of murder. I mean, what should you do? Leave 48 hours before you think the violence could end in murder? Or do you go when it's 'just' violence?

Provocation is a red herring. If you're that easily provoked, and unable to control your temper then you should be alone until you've dealt with your anger.

I like men actually... if they're nice and look like johnny depp

I don't understand why objecting to violence is an indicator of not liking men in some people's world? Unless of course, you think that all men are violent? Which sounds to me like a crassly anti-men stance.

here here, absolutely HerBEatitudelittleBella, Ilike men too! It's because I like men that I believe that abusive/violent/controlling men are atypical and shouldn't be endured.

Why is provocation a red herring?

Would being abused be seen as being easily provoked?

Can such a person who is being provoked by abuse control their temper when pushed to the limit by abuse?

Can a victim of abuse just leave such an angry person so easily and deal with 'their' anger?

Would a victim of abuse lashing out be seen as them getting angry or had enough?

Just questions not statements of being all knowing.

Yes, Salem, DURR, provocation is a red herring. Let me explain something to you pet, if you murder somebody and are subsequently arrested for that murder, and charged with murder, and you say to the detective "she went out every night and came home merry and pursued her own interests and did no housework and called me a bastard and wouldn't make my dinner and discussed me with her mum and her sisters and laughed at me and criticised my driving"...........

they aint gonna make the murder charge go away.

so yeah shit for brains, provocation is a red herring.

Stop doing those bloody smiley faces, you can't come out with vile crap and then put a fucking smiley face after it.

Provocation is a red herring because it is just a justification for someone's violence. The instances you cite, are self defence, not provocation, aren't they?

Provocation is still used as a defence for murder, but from what I remember that is being looked at with a view to removing it.

Seems you are being easily provoked?

Are you trying to be controlling by telling me what links and smileys this message board allows me freely to use?

What is abuse?

I can't deal with all thosse smileys, sorry. Yes, I think that sometimes you can provoke someone to doing something totally out of character. But that should be a one off and the way the person deals with it afterwards is massively important.

Beyond that, no. Bollocks. Otherwise you're getting into the 'she was wearing a short skirt and asking for it' territory.

I still think the OP is a troll - it's very weird she's not come back

Salem why are you here? You have already started a thread wondering what abuse is, I think some people tried to answer it, if you don't feel that you've got enough answers from it, why don't you bump it?

Oh I forgot to put

"I can't deal with all those smileys"

Yes you can hun just believe in yourself or you can just ignore it. I ignore posts/posters if I don't want to reply as I don't feel obliged.

How do you handle real life issues, text messages and the smiley pop up adverts?

Hun? I don't have friends who send me text messages in text speak. I'm 44. Us old birds tend to speak in whole sentences. And I don't find anything about this subject particularly smiley-worthy actually. It's pretty odd that you do tbh.

I wouldn't call a 44 year old an 'old bird' just because they don't text in text speak.

I actually find some of the posters entertaining. I think the subject has died the death long time ago!

P.S btw what does tbh stand for?

"I ignore posts/posters if I don't want to reply as I don't feel obliged."

Yes I'd noticed hun.

Salem, whether or not you anger me is irrelevant. I'm not going to kill you or be violent to you. I'm not a violent person, but yes, correct, I think you're a deluded misogynist.

You seem determined to normalise dysfuncional relationships, and everytime somebody says something that supports YOUR own view, even partially, you say "hmmm, interesting" and follow it by fucking smiley face.

Why the need to normalise dysfunctional relationships?! What possible reason could you have to come here and look for corroboration (the one post in every hundred that half agrees with your view) that violence is OK in certain circumstances and that "here's a tip, men like respect".

Fuck off salem1, you don't belong here. And I've never said that to anybody on Mumsnet before, you're the first person who makes me think, omg, code amber, serial killer.