Right, listen up everybody.

[RealityIsMyOnlyValentine]

I shall say this only once.

Actually, no I won't, I will keep repeating it until the message gets through.

Every person deserves to have a relationship where they are treated with respect, love and equality.

There is never an excuse for verbal, physical or financial abuse.

If you partner treats you like shit, it is their fault. It is not because of something you have done.

You can't change an abusive man by being 'better' or sticking by him where others haven't, or by changing yourself.

Most people have happy relationships, where disagreements happen and are resolved without resorting to shouting, name calling or violence or screwing someone else.

Most people's partners are happy for them to pursue their own friendships and interests, work and education, have access to money, make decisions.

Most people in a relationship stay faithful. They don't have affairs or cyber-sex or obsessively wank over porn day and night.

Don't be fooled into thinking that dysfunctional relationships are the norm. There are many of them on here, but then people don't tend to ask for advice on healthy relationships, so we hear less about them.

Relationships are not supposed to be hard work, that is a big fat myth. Yes, you should work at your relationship but that is not the same thing at all.

Nobody should live their life in fear of angering their partner, or skirting round issues that might upset him. Or put up with cheating and lying for fear of rocking the boat.

Nobody should 'stay together for the children', or because of your marriage vows. If your husband treats you badly, he has broken the vows. Children are much much happier being brought up by parents who live apart than in an atmosphere of fear and loathing.

Just because you've escaped a level 10 bastard, doesn't mean you should settle for the level 8 one that comes along. The only acceptable level of abuse is none.

Just because all your friends are in bad relationships, doesn't mean that you have to be.

I really want to debunk the myth that all men are bastards. They simply aren't. If you feel that all the men you meet are, it's because you are unconsciously sending out vibes to these men. They can spot a target a mile off.

Be on your own. It is much easier than sticking by a tosser. If you have been in more than one abusive relationship, seek some counselling, you may be co-dependant, or you may be modelling relationships on a warped template, perhaps from childhood.

If he abuses you, he is not a good father. Good fathers don't treat the mother of their children with disrespect.

It doesn't matter how much he says sorry and makes it up to you, if he continues to abuse you those apologies are worthless.

Don't be fooled into thinking the abuse isn't 'bad enough to leave'. If you are treated in any way less than cherished, loved and respected, it is bad enough to leave.

There is never a reason to stay with an abusive man. He won't kill himself if you leave him, he won't take your children, and yes, everybody will believe you.

I probably have loads more to say on the subject but I will leave it there for now.

Much love to everybody.

I needed this.

I really needed this too today, hope you are ok xx

❤️

Thank you so much. Reading your post has put things into perspective for me and given me hope.

so needed to read this. It pretty much describes my current relationship. X

@Mel328

So bloody true I got out three months ago from a verbal abuser. We spoke on the phone recently to discuss him still needing to collect some belongings and my GOD the way he spoke to me, just like when we was together. However, this time, I could clearly see how bloody horrible he was and spoke down to me. It felt amazing to just be able to say "THANK GOD I DONT HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT ANYMORE"

Why do abusers always need to collect things my abusive ex messaged me 1 And a half to two years later saying he needed to collect the dvds I'd brought him needless to say he didn't i told him I'd thrown them.

@Orkneys
Hi
So glad you are out if it. How long did it take until you felt better? I am just about to end things x

Hey
My dh and me have been having issues for a while and are 4 weeks into counselling. He's told me he wants more intimacy which I find it hard to do as we have a house full of kids he thinks thats an excuse. He feels disconnected from me but what he says really gets him feeling insecure and this bit he cant move on from is my past relationships. Over the years I've lied about and made him feel like I'm hiding something but I'm not I'm just uncomfortable and then i lie and this makes him feel I'm hiding something. We go around circles. He's says he feels very insecure in our marriage and unloved. I know I have a lot to work on that. I get caught up put him last but I'm willing to try he says now he's not that it's over. I cant accept this I feel so hurt i feel awful & cant cope without him, us. We have been together for 20+ years have & 3 children. Any advice welcome

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE READ THIS I AM DESPERATE

I’m so confused about my relationship and I’m so desperate to hear an outsiders opinion. My husband treats me badly. He shows no love or respect.

The story so far; I have had a job all our marriage even when we had our DC. I’ve been faithful, never cheated or even flirted. We have been married 14 years.

We argue all the time. EVERYDAY.
I’m not the woman I was when he married me.
Our kids see us bicker all the time.

A few arguments have blown out of control in the past and family members have stepped in to help.

He seems to quickly adjust his tone, behaviour in front of people but behind closed doors-
-he ignores me
-shouts (I shout back too though so I’m no saint)
-he is short tempered
-makes very angry rude faces
-tells me I’m a nightmare
-never consoles me when I cry (I cry a lot)
-neve hugs me (I have to ask and if he does a lot of tapping my back like he would his best mate)
-he’s spent money without asking me in the past
-lied about his money and debt in the past
-he’s stayed out till so late in the past like 4am and not told me where he was left me worried sick but then tells me there is nothing wrong with that and says his colleagues and him were just chatting
-he sent me a photo from a strip bar once, just a photo no words and I was completely shocked. I never knew he went there as when I asked him previously he said he hates those places. He got away with this as well. I always forgive forget.
-he ignores me when I’m speaking to him.
-he shows me no support. If I’m excited about something in my life he gets all withdrawn making me feel edgy instead of smiling and saying I can see you are happy and I’m happy for you.
-he’s a workalholic (is that bad? Probably not) but he told me that it’s because I don’t have a job so if he doesn’t work then we would be up shit street. Like I said I have worked out whole marriage up still the beginning of this year. When I worked he told me my pay is crap, I don’t bring enough in the house. I was earning 500 less than him. That’s a lot I guess, but I was part time and dropping kids some days and also collecting everyday. Not many jobs allow you to have that flexibility.
-if I tell him I’m sad about our relationship and the way we are he says it’s my fault or that it isn’t the time to speak about it (there is never a right time)
-when I’m reasoning with him calmly he starts saying really nasty stuff, like he said yesterday that I just sit in front of the TV flicking channels all day. So how did I apply for over 50 jobs?! I got all rejections and I did feel sad. But I keep the entire home looked after, meals, cleaning etc.
-We have no sex. He won’t be emotionally connected to me and has also chosen to sleep in another room. It started off because of his snoring but when I have asked him to come back he has given excuses, he drinks on purpose I think because he knows I hate the smell of alcohol, especially beer. So I tell him on drinking days he would not be able to sleep next to me (is that bad?)

• we’ve been sleeping apart for over 6 years but our sex life has been an issue for 14 years. Apart from TTC it has been non existent. In all the times we did have sex I initiated it all the time. He has never initiated it.

-when I asked for empathy about the job hunt his response was, yeah I already been there, it’s a process. Instead of saying it must be hard keep your head up and keep going. It’s like he hates me. I can feel it that he hates me -I have never felt so unloved, unsupported, uncared for in my life.

I have tried my best to show love to him. I always support him in his job, his business. But he’s so controlling about everything. I have to do everything off the back of his business. He won’t let me start my own business. Says it’s too much hard work to set one up. He flogs off my ideas at first, then does what I said but never gives me credit. He says I’m a nightmare and that’s why no one likes me. That’s really harsh because I had a bad time with a few friendships and colleagues over the decade and I confided in my husband and now he uses it all against me. Even though I have rectified most, if not nearly all those relationships and made them stronger. He still to this day uses what he knows about me against me.

I cry A lot. He never consoles me.
I’ve always got a headache or feel sick.

But. He makes enough money to run this house. He always says sorry eventually and that’s why I give in.

I’m beaten and tired of all this emotional neglect, of this tiresome bickering, of the bad fights and arguments, of being put down all the time, of him switching between being fun and angry in seconds, of him never listening to me (because he thinks I’m “telling him what to do”), getting no support or love or even sex. I have suffered low libido so some of those years did not bother me. But the last 5 years I have been really questioning the fact he won’t even initiate. I have spoken to friends and they have a good sex life. I can’t say anything about mine because he knows their husbands/partners. I’ve watched movies where couples even plan it! I think, we don’t even do that! We don’t even sleep in the same bed. This feels all so out of my control.

I feel I hate him too. I hate what we have become and I can’t find that point to restart. He won’t do counselling as he doesn’t believe in it.

Then I think. Well he’s alright. I could be with a man that beat the crap out of me. Yes that scares me because I witnessed this as a child. It’s the one thing I have always been scared of. So when this man I married only gave me verbal and emotional issues and anger faces I thought that is better than him hitting me.

After 14 years and now literally at breaking point I wonder how damaging this really is.

I do feel I may be going through a nervous breakdown as my crying and shouting has got worse.

Please give me any advice and any help on any of these matters.

I don’t care if you are harsh or judge me. I don’t care. Just someone help me please please please please please.

Absolutely. Couldn’t agree with you more...👏👏👏❤️

@RealSadHelp

100% you can do better than this!!

It breaks my heart to read how you are feeling - maybe more so becuase I can relate.

My relationship is similar although not as long (been together 5 years and have a 2 Yr old). He's a narcarsist, and the abuse is a creeper. Like you acknowledged, it's more damaging long term and can completely knock your self esteem and make you feel you are trapped in a manipulated relationship! You don't see it becuase you're manipulated and forgive and forget too easily.

I think it all comes down to your other circumstances. I would definitely as an outsider say you need to get out and fast for your own well being, but I know it's also not always that simple (or am I just making excuses for myself! ). Support unit, children, financial ties, living situation, are all factors for me. Have you thought these through? Sometimes it's about having a plan and working on yourself in the meantime.

I feel like I've excepted my relationship is over (sad as it is becuase 'he's not as abusive as my ex' and becuase 'he's got a good heart really') but he's never going to change and I can see that now. I know any outsider would tell me so. It's not the right time to leave just yet for my circumstances but my head has left.

The OP was spot on, read it over and over till it really sinks in.

You deserve better

I really needed to read the OP today. I have been in tears, lonely, guilt wracked and scared for my husbands safety and mental health. I do not deserve to be harmed. I do not deserve to be called a D*K head or a C*t. Thank you for this post. You have made my tears dry up and reminded me what a strong and beautiful woman I am and that things will be better soon

Demoralised in Denmark

I am a Brit who lives in Denmark with my Danish husband and our 5 yr old twin girls. Over the past day I have finally told him that it's over. Our relationship has been very bad for years. He dismisses my feelings, disrespects me, I feel emotionally abused and utterly demoralised. Our house is paid for with my money. I've always financially supported us until this year. I started my own market garden business but since it's seasonal I'm not making much money. I am probably also depressed and down. I am trying to learn Danish but it's hard. I know I am not writing coherently but I am upset.
So I told him finally that I think it's over. He was furious and then devastated. He wants us to try and said he is willing "to work hard" to save us. He has proposed a in-house separation so we give each other some breathing space, we have different bedrooms anyway. I also think he is open to getting professional help somehow. This will save Christmas for my girls but ultimately I don't want to be with him. However, may huge problem is money. Divorce means selling the house and losing my market gardening business. It could take a while to sell our big house and the girls start school in August. So it could mean huge disruption to them. But even if he works on himself and I try to also meet him half way, I don't think it's enough. What I want is an amicable split and perhaps his proposal could achieve that but he wants to stay together. The final element for me is that I've started having feelings for my Danish teacher and know he likes me too. We've not acted on this and I don't want to have an affair but the thought of missing out on this man, if I try again with my failing marriage is really upsetting me but I don't trust myself right now. I am in a total mess. Everything is wrong and I dont know what to do for my girls or me. Help. Please.

Over the last day I have told him that it's over

@Nahuatal

I would try to base you decision on whether you'd still want a future with you husband if the Danish teacher wasn't around. On resding what you say I would say or sounds like you have alrwsdy meantaly left and staying would just prolong it. The fact that you have gained feelings for someone else would tell me you have too. I'm in a similar position with my partner of 5 years and one young child and think long term we will not work but finances are also an issue. No one has caught my eye but I think I'm at the point that you are where if someone had I'd be questioning the what ifs!? Only you can truly come to the right conclusion knowing your own circumstances.

I'm listening to an audio book right now called "this is me letting you go" which is really helping and I would recommend to anyone searching for answers in their love life.

I hope it all works out for you x

Yes agreed, particularly when the older generation such as mine is avoided and ignored. You would be surprised at how much a grandmother can enhance the quality of life for a child and it would be wise to make time for that bond to take place.
From my extensive research and questionsof others in my age group this is very common and the current attitude is, they are MY kids and keep away.
Sadly many do not see a family as united by standing firm and together.
Of course, given there are no extenuating circumstances of weird behaviour, there are always exceptions to the rule.
Which leads me to INHERITANCE !!

what about other faiths

dam right fishy

Thank you OP for sharing your post 🙂

This is amazing - thank you! Everything I've needed to hear! X