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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

FAB & GLAM PART 9 - DOES IT GET BETTER NOW!!

1000 replies

macdoodle · 22/01/2009 01:24

Started new thread guys as needed to post and old one wouldnt let me - sorry if name is bit miserable but thats how am feeling !

The police have just left
It all went tits up tonight - H found out/suspected about NM and lost it completely - was physically abusive and took my phone - best friend called the police!
Has been a hell of a night - long statement - excellent police man - who says should have called them a long time ago - gonna get the domestic violence team to ring me tomorrow - he will be arrested and probably cautioned - he seems really worried it will escalate - has put a marker on the phone for an immediate response, has adviced me to change the locks and go away for a bit if I can, and they will look at putting an alarm in the house
There is still a part of me that feels I am over reacting/is all my fault - even though an experienced police oficer is not happy about the situation!
What a mess my life has turned into

OP posts:
Tanee58 · 07/02/2009 01:46

HW I'm really glad to hear that H was with his mother. That must mean a lot to him. Her H sounds as if he was as sweet to the end as he was in life. As you say, at least you need never have anything more to do with him.

Hoping for more snow here too. But not enough to stop the traffic please as DD and I are going to the cemetary again to take more photos of dead people.

Sorry to say I'm sleeping on the sofa tonight as DP's had another flareup of his depression - it's been building since Wednesday. He finally told me to F* off when I merely asked if he was going to bed - and so we agreed to sleep apart. . Feeling a bit grim but at least the cats can share my company tonight. I think my being nice despite him trying to lock one of the cats out again infuriated him! Luckily he's at work tomorrow and I shall hope he'll sleep all Sunday (he'll be fully tanked up, which will help). It started with him not sleeping well on Wednesday and he's got pains in his foot and back, so of course he's feeling down, but I'm not happy about him taking it out on the cats. DD is singularly unimpressed. He's lost all her goodwill now.

Boy, am I looking forward to Valentine's Day

ladylush · 07/02/2009 11:02

Tanee I'm angry on your behalf that he is speaking to you like that - esp when you are being so caring. No matter how much you try to accommodate him he seems to go on self-destruct and separate himself from your family. It's you, dd and the cats. He's on the outside. It's his own fault though.

I am getting nervous about my scan on Monday. Dh coming with me. I was snappy with him the other night and had to apologise. It's because I'm worried. I know what will be will be but I suppose having got this far, am starting to hope. Ds was with us at the last scan and heard the sonographer say "there's the baby" so it will be so heartbreaking if it's bad news He is very excited. We had to tell him that we don't know if it will grow so we have to wait and see. He seems to accept that.

Original poster
macdoodle · 07/02/2009 11:28

HW am so sorry about MIL - at least she is at peace and away from her twat of a H and you will never have to have anything to do with him again....hope H is ok??

Tannee am sorry but I need to say this - your DP is a brat and it sounds like he is using depression as an excuse for his drinking and treating you and DD appalingly - you have put up with far far too much does he not appreciate what he has (and as for the way he treats your DD ) - does he make you happy because al lot of the time it doesnt sound like it Sorry if offending but am just so frustrated on your behalf x

Baffy how are you and DS and the bumpling Any news on the house, what about OW and baby??? Hope you are ok xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
macdoodle · 07/02/2009 11:29

LL good luck for monday everything crossed again hope it is good news

OP posts:
ladylush · 07/02/2009 11:43

Thanks macdoodle How are you? Are things any easier with stbxh?

Dior · 07/02/2009 11:51

LL - hope everything goes well. I'm sure your h understands re the snappiness.

Tanee - . Things not too good here either. Don't forget you know where I am

ladylush · 07/02/2009 11:55

Thanks Dior - I need to remember that he is worried too though. It's not just my baby.
Sorry things not going well for you? Do you mean with you and dh? Or is it your depression? Did you try the herbal remedy TFM suggested?

Baffy · 07/02/2009 15:35

LL good luck for monday xx

HW so sorry to hear that news.

Will catch up soon xx

Dior · 07/02/2009 18:20

Yes, weekend with h has been the pits so far

Can't be bothered to write about it though.

I didn't try Agnus Castus, but I bought Evening Primrose supplement along with a supplement designed for the menstrual cycle - including zinc, B6 and magnesium. Been taking about three weeks, so not really noticed anything yet.

ladylush · 07/02/2009 18:23

sorry about your weekend with h 3 weeks is a decent length of time and would expect you to see some improvement by now if it was going to work. How long are you going to wait before trying something else? Do you think your depression is separate from your relationship with h or linked?

ginnny · 07/02/2009 21:34

Good luck on Monday LL - everything is crossed for you again
Tannee at DP. Sorry he's depressed and acting up again. You are a saint to remain so calm, especially when he's swearing at you like that.
Dior - you are having a rubbish weekend with H.
I'm having a great weekend - DP has gone away for the weekend and the boys were at their Dads all day so I have had the house to myself. I did housework all morning and beading all afternoon and finally finished a bracelet .
Now dc in bed and I am sprawled across the sofa scoffing chocolate and watching tv like lady muck!!!

Lilyloo · 07/02/2009 21:43

Eveing all
Ernest thread was in baby names can't find it but she was renaming herself!!!

LL fingers crossed for Monday will check back in hope it's good news. How do you feel pg wise?

Tannee sorry things with him are so rough again. He really does seem to self destruct and forget everyone , or try to hurt, those around him!!

Dior sorry things crappy for you too.

MacD any better for you ???

Baffy are you moved in ????

till lot's of frozen snow here hopefully no more'

Ginny wow you doing reaally well with the craft , i pretty much the same slobbing here with wine and toblerone

Lilyloo · 07/02/2009 21:45

Her posting name was 'ernestthebavarian' i think!

Dior · 08/02/2009 08:23

Ginnny - I want to see PICTURES!

ladylush · 08/02/2009 10:45

Ginnny - glad you're having a great weekend sans partner and children. Lucky you Impressed at the crafting - think I'd have just done the tv and chocolate

Lilyloo - sounds like you've had a nice weekend too Pg wise, I feel ok. I have very sore heavy boobs and feel a bit sick in the morning and at night. However I've still had symptoms with previous mmc so I can't count my chickens or should I say eggs Even if scan goes well tomorrow, I really don't think I will be able to relax until the baby is born.

HW how are you and dh? Glad bil is being supportive.

Macdoodle - how are you?

Tanee58 · 08/02/2009 12:46

LL - I am keeping everything crossed for you for tomorrow!!!!! OOps, just fallen over .

Dior - sorry things not good at yours either. We really ought to do that lunch soon - and I have another birthday coming up!

Baffy, have you completed?

Ginnny, please may we have pictures? I think I seriously need to get back into my patchwork or needlepoint or SOMETHING crafty. It kept me sane during my marriage, it may help now.

Everyone, thanks for the support. To be honest, whilst I do not condone or excuse his behaviour, I don't really agree that he's a brat. But he IS ill - and when these opisodes occur, I really don't think he can dontrol them. He needs to go through them, and I need to keep out of it. I think running around after him doesn't help - it certainly made him snap the other night. So what I am doing is leaving him to it and doing stuff with DD. We had a great afternoon in Stoke Newington Cemetary yesterday, dinner with my parents for my dad's birthday, and we are about to go shopping for underwear . DP can sleep, drink and watch the rugby in pieces lol. He'll come out of it sooner I think, if I just leave him to it.

McD, he really IS worth it, I think. Perhaps I don't write enough about the good times, but we do have them and I feel closer to him than to any other man I've known (except just now ). It only gets really bad every few months and I know he hates himself for behaving like this, but he really can't stop when he's in one and I think that self-hatred is what makes him snap & get nasty. I've never had real depression, but I can see in him how it just shuts you off and isolates you from all positivity. But I know he'll come out sometime.

Right, now Brent Cross is calling us

Tanee58 · 08/02/2009 12:47

Sorry about typos - this keyboard has never been the same since DP dripped it!

ladylush · 08/02/2009 13:06

Tanee - I accept and admire your loyalty to dp but one thing I will say is that whilst he may suffer from depression there are things he can do to help himself ergo your relationship. He should avoid alcohol for a start - especially when going through a depressive phase. He could also try ADs. Again, he will need to avoid alcohol if on treatment. Alcohol is a depressant.

ladylush · 08/02/2009 13:08

Oh and thanks for the crossed legs. Don't fall over on my account though

ginnny · 08/02/2009 17:04

OK pictures on FB. It's a bit wonky in places but for a first attempt its not too bad. Also the pics are blurry as ds1 has been taking pictures of his Doctor Who figures on my camera and he's mucked up all the settings

Dior · 08/02/2009 19:13

Very pretty Ginnny - have you got the bead bug yet?

Tanee - yes, would be lovely. I am up to meeting people now, well, except on bad days.

Tanee58 · 08/02/2009 20:31

Ladylush, I quite agree. But I've faced the fact it ain't going to happen yet. He seems to need the alcohol as his crutch even though it makes him feel worse, and he knows he drinks too much. I suspect he's hoping to drink himself into an early grave . The memorial we went to last week was for a man who drank loads and smoked constantly, and he was only 58. If I'd been DP, it would have made me think. But on some level he dislikes himself so much, that this is perhaps some kind of pleasant way of committing suicide. He hated ADs the last time he tried them and despite the Relate counsellor saying there are many kinds of AD and many kinds of therapy he could try, he hasn't been able to make that appointment yet. So until he does, I am learning to get on with my own life with DD and keep my distance from him until he gets over the grumps.

At least he seems to be coming out of it slowing this evening. He's been tentatively pleasant and I can see flashes of the old DP behind his eyes again.

Dior, name your day. HW can you manage it? Any day but not the 26th, which is my Birthday and DP and I are going to York for the day

ladylush · 09/02/2009 17:53

Tanee - he really is very lucky to have a woman like you. It is a challenge to invest time, energy and love in someone who doesn't feel worthy of any self-investment. I don't think I could do it. Yet I have invested in someone who has cheated on me in the most horrible way Just ignore me! Hope you have a lovely birthday. I know it's two weeks away but my brain has stopped working and I might forget

Good news here. Baby still alive 8 weeks and 5 days old. On target growth wise and good hb. The spotting was due to a subchorionic bleed and the sonographer said I will probably get a bit more but not to worry about it as it doesn't increase the risk of m/c. I have another scan in 2 weeks (for reassurance). So just have to get through the next fortnight.

HappyWoman · 09/02/2009 18:38

Fantastic news Lush. Everything crossed for you too.

Not exactly support from BIL - but i have to remind myself support takes many forms.

Dior hope you are feeling better soon - i too have tried the suppliments before and i am not sure the evening primrose worked for me, and the cost is high.
I now stick to reflexology and other 'treatments' and i do think they help - but it may just be that i get a chance to have a good old natter too.
We really must do that lunch.

Still no car - its as if no-one actually wants our money.

Hope you are all well

Lilyloo · 09/02/2009 21:44

LL just checking in to see how you got on great news all the leg and finger crossing working then

Will keep them crossed then

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