FAB & GLAM PART 9 - DOES IT GET BETTER NOW!!

[macdoodle]

Started new thread guys as needed to post and old one wouldnt let me - sorry if name is bit miserable but thats how am feeling !

The police have just left
It all went tits up tonight - H found out/suspected about NM and lost it completely - was physically abusive and took my phone - best friend called the police!
Has been a hell of a night - long statement - excellent police man - who says should have called them a long time ago - gonna get the domestic violence team to ring me tomorrow - he will be arrested and probably cautioned - he seems really worried it will escalate - has put a marker on the phone for an immediate response, has adviced me to change the locks and go away for a bit if I can, and they will look at putting an alarm in the house
There is still a part of me that feels I am over reacting/is all my fault - even though an experienced police oficer is not happy about the situation!
What a mess my life has turned into

Dior - well done for standing up to dh. I suppose you have to ask yourself whether you will be satisfied with him doing a u-turn and trying to get back in your good books - or whether you've just had enough. It does sound as though it's a control thing. I agree with TFM there. When you stand up to him suddenly he doesn't seem as sure of himself any more. What is he like at work? Does he give orders or take them?

Tanee I will tell DS that you say he has to stay And yes, DP is being a star with him, it's lovely to watch. DS is milking it a bit though with requests for lifts here there and everywhere. I surprised him with a bus pass yesterday! Since he got his scooter he has gone of buses, they are not quite so cool! I don't want him getting above his station now, do I?

LL!! I'm not going to mention the envelope today because I know I will only be disappointed! But, is it a self seal type or the kind you lick to stick? Just thinking, if you got just a little bit curious you could slide a knife under the lip, take a peep and then restick it. We won't tell DH I promise!!

Hi to everyone else

So, big argument today . I admit that I over-reacted to something because I have been feeling so unloved, so it was me being a little selfish. However, we had the 'affection' talk and it boiled down (again) to the 'You know how I feel about fat people. I can't change but YOU can..' situation again.

I admitted my part in the argument and apologised. Unfortunately, he didn't seem to want to move on and try to work out a way for me to be with him more often and him to show me more affection. So, I went out by myself and he went for a bike ride.

Basically, my weight is now the whole crux of our problems. I don't feel able to do anything about it at the moment.

Dior your problem with your weight and your H's problem with your weight are completely different/separate problems. His problem with your weight is making your problem with your weight much worse and harder to deal with.

You are doing extremely well in standing up to him. Don't feel bad for doing so. Just carry on as you feel fit to and don;t let his problem become yours. I think he uses your weight as an excuse. I think he has deeper issues going on that are about him and your weight is a distraction from that, it is something he uses to either keep you down or keep you at a distance.

I know this must be hard for you to live with and to be honest I am not surprised you get depressed. There is nothing worse than living with a man, loving a man who you feel finds you unattractive. It's soul destroying. And here you are living with a man who tells you openly how your excess weight makes him feel. It's disgusting!! He should be totally ashamed of himself.

You need to get out of this cycle of being affected by what he says to you. You can either choose to believe what he says or choose not to believe what he says. If choose to believe that he is right and believe everything he says to you then you are going to remain stuck. If you decide to sod what he thinks and says and do your best to switch off when he is being nasty and hurtful then you have more chance of getting out of this cycle.

I have seen the photo's of you Dior and trust me, you are not obese and you are not unattractive. If your H thinks you are either of those things then he needs serious help. What he is doing to you is mentally, emotionally and verbally abusive. He is controlling your mood by his abuse. Please Dior, don't let him do this.

When he gets back why don't you try doing what we talked about and call his bluff. Tell him that you understand how he feels and you are letting him go to find someone he he feels is acceptable to him. Say your piece then walk away and leave him with it. See what happens.

But whatever happens, don't you dare believe the things he is saying to you. Believe us when we tell you the problem is with him not you!! xx

But it IS my problem because I am with a man who won't touch me. To be fair to him, I AM obese - I just have a slim photo up on my FB and blog. I really need to lost at least three stone to be within my BMI healthy range.

I don't BLAME him for feeling that way, but I do agree that there would be something else if it were not for my weight. I remember him not wanting me when I WAS slim. I am just so sick of being lonely.

He is being nice (well talking to me) now, so I think we are doing the whole 'let's ignore and move on' thing now.

Sorry, I have no input to give on anyone else at the moment and I am all 'take, take, take' .

Stop apologising and stop being so generous to your H!! Fair enough, he is entitled to his own opinion and entitled to feel how he wishes BUT what he is NOT entitled to do is pass the responsibility for how HE feels on to you. You don't like his attitude towards you but He refuses to change. Why the hell should YOU change just to make him feel happy? Where does it end? It is weight we are talking about here, just a bit of extra padding. You are still you despite the weight. But you know all this already.

As far as I can see, given that you don't blame him for how he feels, you have two choices, you either lose the weight or you leave him. If as you say he was just the same towards you when you were slim then losing weight is going to make no difference, you may be slim but you will still be lonely and you will be twice as unhappy because you will be constantly calorie counting and depriving yourself of your favourite foods. Right now I would say sod the diet and enjoy your food, it's not worth the deprivation just to end up in the same boat.

If you are going to lose weight Dior then you need to to it for you and in your own time at your own pace. The only way you are going to be able to live with H and his present attitude is to develop a hard skin and detach yourself from his hurtful words. Don't allow yourself to be a victim of his weight snobbery!

I hope I didn't sound too harsh there.

Dior I felt v sad reading that Again, TFM is spot on imo. I don't want to be too harsh either but I think you are actually allowing him to treat you in this way. You made a few steps to assert yourself then you had a row and now you are back feeling sorry for yourself. It seems to be a pattern. I'm probably not putting this as tactfully as I can - sorry, bit tired today. Abuse can only happen when someone allows it. Your h is abusing you. Please don't let him. You see your weight as a problem but being miserable is not conducive to you losing weight - h rejects you so makes you feel more miserable. Vicious cycle. Have you thought about a separation? With some space, without his negativity you can deal with the weight -or at least work out if it is still important to you. I agree that weight is an issue for you and h but in different ways. Also, what is this lack of affection towards you teaching his son? To be emotionally cold and distant towards what should be the most important female in his life..........v damaging to your son imo. I haven't met you but I can tell you are worth so much more than this. You are attractive and intelligent and very encouraging of others. You so deserve more. You might believe it yourself one day.

Excellent post LadyLush, excellent!

Dior - when I say you are back feeling sorry for yourself I don't mean that how it sounds. What I mean is when you take that passive stance nothing changes and the pattern continues. Hope you see what I mean.

Dior - TFM and I are going to be thorns in your side on this one

As you already know my exH was abusive. He used to tell me I needed to lose weight. Like you Dior I took it all onboard. At the time I had a three month old baby and I weighed 11stone. I'm 5ft 9 and a half inches tall so I was hardly fat! But, I went on a diet and lost a lot of weight. One day, at my lowest ever weight of 7st 10lb I stood naked in front of him and asked him if he thought I was slim enough. He cocked his head to one side while studying my body and them proceeded to tell me how I still needed to lose weight off my hips. I was actually skin and bone and had no weight left to lose off my hips!! At this point I was anorexic and soon became bulemic(sp) And to this day, 21 years later, I am left with body and food issues.

Losing weight didn't make him show me love, it didn't stop him abusing me. The only person it affected was me. The most amazing thing is that he was about 3 stone overweight himself!!

My DP has known me to be many different weights, 13st 12lb at my heaviest when I was on loads of medication. We have had our ups and downs but he has never once used my weight against me. He is not slim either but that doesn't stop me loving him. I see the man he is inside, not the big belly I love him for the person he is, the person he has become and all the effort he has put in to making our relationship work. I love him for him no matter what weight he is.

Ermm, roses with thorns in your side you mean don't you LL?

LL is right Dior, you do sound to have taken a passive stance again and we have picked up on it you can bet your H has. He is never going to back down on this because he is getting the message that you agree with him he will be feeling justified. Well, he isn't!!

Oh yes roses TFM
By the way, it's a self-seal envelope. It's untouched in h's bag. I'm cruel aren't I Actually though, I don't like surprises. That's why I'm not opening it. If it says a girl and is then a boy it will be an unwelcome surprise you see Not that I mind having a boy at all - but would not like to get excited about a pink one, shop for dresses, then deliver a boy.

Yes, I can see your point BUT, () if you don't take a peek and it turns out to be a girl you will have missed out on 20 weeks pure excitement!!! You don't have to buy clothes or, if you do you can keep the receipts and exchange them for blue clothes. See, where there's a will there's a way, and where there's an envelope there's a Teabag to nag you!

If you are determined to be stubborn strong then post me the envelope for safe keeping

Dior, I agree 100% with LL and TFM.
The worrying thing about your H is that he isn't showing you any affection. He might have a problem with your weight, and he's entitled to his opinion on that, but why can't he show you any affection at all - its not all about sex is it?
To be honest my DP isn't exactly Adonis (you've seen him on FB!!) and he's not my usual type physically (I used to like them a lot younger and slimmer ) but because I love him as a person the rest is just part of the package iyswim.
Its a shame that your H can't see past the weight you are to the person inside, the person that we all see.

Dior, like Ginnny, I absolutely agree with TFM and LL - and they put it so much better than I ever could. Besides, I have met you and - unless you have put on a HUUUUGE amount since we last met, even if you are over your BNI, you are still nothing like the horrendously obese women I see waddling round our local shopping precinct, usually with several children in tow. And the crux of the matter, here, leaving aside H's preference for slim women, is that he was the same when you WERE slim, and that if you did go back to being a size 10, 8, 6, or a teeny weeny pencil, he would STILL find some reason to avoid intimacy or come out with stuff like the trainers v sandals incident. That's why we are saying it's HIS problem and not yours. If you are dieting, it MUST be for YOU, because the lost weight will still not change what's fundamentally wrong with your H. That IS harsh. Have you tried telling him this?

LL, you could still buy lots of pink and then, if it's a boy, confuse people by dressing him in it . Just don't take photos of him in pink as he will not thank you for it when he's older! Personally I liked dressing DD in navy - she looked very chic!

Personally, I am at the end of my tether with DP - things very bad here, I feel bleak about our future but I won't bore you all - TFM, I will be emailing you!

Oh, the MPs' expenses row - yes, I don't know why the press are making such a big thing of it now - I suppose it feeds in nicely with the economic climate to find some scapegoats amongst people who are constantly telling us to economise and making laws to bleed us of more money. I'm sure people have suspected that some MPs have made dodgy claims for years and it should have been investigated years ago. Thank goodness my own MP is actually quite honest about her own expenses - she has always felt that reputation and honour are hugely important, and openly said once that she didn't go into politics to make money. No second home, and she pays for her own garden and dogfood! We don't have many treats in the office either, and certainly no great bonuses (in my case, none at all ).

Lol Tanee - I don't think I could get away with dresses though. Poor baby will be very confused when it gets older. I like polka dots and yellow dresses so don't necessarily gravitate towards pink. When expecting ds I bought a lot of yellow and green clothes as they are quite unisex but looked better on ds than blue (because of his golden complexion). So I still have these and can re-use for baby. So far, I've only allowed myself to buy some hats. I got a white sunhat from Next and a pack of two blue/white ones - still ok for a girl. Btw, I see you avoided the expenses topic

TFM - nice try (re envelope)
Btw, I was very sad and angry to read what your xp did to your self-esteem and health. At 17 yrs old i was in a relationship with a guy who made me feel crap about my body. He called me "chunky" and always compared me to his sister (how weird) who was petite but shapely. I am the same height as you and weighed 9st, which was about as thin as it is healthy to be at that height. I look at photos now and feel so angry that I couldn't see myself the way I really was. Luckily that relationship didn't last very long. I met dh about 6 months later, who was a refreshing change. Fortunately, he appreciates a more voluptuous figure as well as slender figures so both bases covered (mind you, after this next dc I doubt I'll ever get to 10st again).

Ooh cross post Tanee - will read

Tanee - glad your MP has scruples Quite rare in politics these days.

Hi Ladie

Tanee - I await your email my love We will get you sorted, don't worry.

LL - My ex used to call me Thunder Thighs and Big Girl. I hated it and it gave me a real complex. I have never really appreciated my height because I associate it with being a 'Big Girl' I am just like you re the photo's. I look at myself as thin as a toothpick and with really sad eyes. Even though I was thin I never really appreciated my body, it was a constant battle with food. I remember once he was sat eating a Mr Kipling cake right in front of me. My mouth was watering, he looked at me and said "You would love to have a bite of this wouldn't you" God, at that point I would have eaten the hand holding it I was so hungry!! it was a nightmare time.

Ginny - I understand exactly what you mean re your DP. It's not just about what's on the outside is it? It's about the inside too. Crikey, after the problems we have had with our other halves what's on the inside must be pretty damned special!

I read a book once called 'Love yourself and it doesn't matter who you marry'. The title was very apt. I think if you love yourself, are happy with yourself then you don't seek approval from others, you don't really place a value on what others think of you. You enjoy life instead of wasting time trying to be someone you think other people would like you to be.

Hello to everyone else I hope your weekend is going well. I'm having a crafty minute while DP has taken DD swimming. I'm supposed to be cooking a roast dinner!!

Tanee - please DO 'bore' us with it. Maybe we could help, and it wouldn't be boring either!

I am trying to get the courage together to have a really good think about my future.

See what I mean Dior - still thinking of others even when you feel so miserable.

Tanee - I agree with Dior. You won't be boring us at all. Sorry to hear you are feeling so gloomy about your future with dp. Has something happened lately?

TFM - nice to get a bit of time to yourself, even if it is to cook the roast dinner. I think I will need to work out a schedule whereby I can get at least an hour to myself once a week when lo born. Not straight away obviously, but once lo is in a routine. Ha ha..........routine......

TFM - your ex-p sounds like a nasty man. Well rid.