FAB & GLAM PART 9 - DOES IT GET BETTER NOW!!

[macdoodle]

Started new thread guys as needed to post and old one wouldnt let me - sorry if name is bit miserable but thats how am feeling !

The police have just left
It all went tits up tonight - H found out/suspected about NM and lost it completely - was physically abusive and took my phone - best friend called the police!
Has been a hell of a night - long statement - excellent police man - who says should have called them a long time ago - gonna get the domestic violence team to ring me tomorrow - he will be arrested and probably cautioned - he seems really worried it will escalate - has put a marker on the phone for an immediate response, has adviced me to change the locks and go away for a bit if I can, and they will look at putting an alarm in the house
There is still a part of me that feels I am over reacting/is all my fault - even though an experienced police oficer is not happy about the situation!
What a mess my life has turned into

Usually, it is men who don't like themselves very much who do things like this. They are insecure men who get a feeling of power and of being in control by bringing another person down.

Dior, I think you would be doing the right thing to call his bluff. Tell him you understand how he feels and that as he isn't chained to you he is free to leave at any time if he is unable to live with the person that you are. Turn the tables on him.

What you mustn't do, is take on board what he says and let it get you down. I know it's easier said than done though xx

'Does he ever praise you up in other ways, tell you your hair/make up looks good, or comment on your crafting or anything.'

NO! He tells me when he doesn't like something, like the way I am currently doing my fringe. I clip it out of the way as it is too long to have down but not long enough to tuck behind my ear. He keeps on at me to have it cut back to a fringe as it 'looks much better'. Re my crafting, he normally shows so little interest that I don't bother showing him. A few weeks ago, he DID say how good my cards are now, but that is rare.

The thing is, I DO understand that he likes a slimmer figure. I know he would not have fancied me at this size if he had met me this way. I DO accept that he finds this so disheartening because he would LOVE to fancy me. HOWEVER, I know that there was always a problem with sex when I was slim, so I really don't believe that it is all my weight. He called me a sex maniac once for wanting sex twice when we were away for the weekend once .

I think I will do what what you suggest TFM. When he next makes a comment, I will say something to the effect of, 'OK, I feel sad about it but maybe it is time I let you go and find someone else. I can't be what you want at the moment and I can't keep being thought of like you think of me.'

Dior - I think TFM is absolutely spot on. It sounds as though you have reached a cross roads now and maybe calling his bluff might be a good thing. He's manipulating you and turning the tables on him is probably what's needed. It also sounds as though he is using your weight as an excuse to not bother with sex - since it seems he has a lowish sex drive. Very convenient but how cowardly. It seems as if he is very good at pointing out your failings but not too forthcoming when it comes to identifying his own.

oh dior - it is so sad. You really do deserve to be loved for you and there are so many lovely things he could say to you. Ok so he may not have fancied you if you like you are now, has he not changed at all????
I would love my h to magically look fit and tonned and hunky. But it is not going to happen - like everyone else he is going to get a beer belly and go grey or bald, if i am lucky he may remain 'with it' mentally for a long time. If not - who knows maybe i will be cross with him FFS that is not love its control.

Another example - my h is a bit of a breasts man and actually i do quite well in that department, what would you think of him if he said he could not fancy me because i have had to have a masectomy because of cancer????
Lets face it one day they will be resting on my waistband anyway.

Dior i feel so for you, and i hope you give him the wake-up call he so needs right now.
You really dont have to live for the tiny scaps of praise he might throw your way, you are a wonderful woman.

Dior - I really hope you will do that. I bet he will be shocked to hear you say it. The bottom line is he cannot be allowed to continue bullying you in this way. I know what you are saying when you say you understand and accept that he likes slimmer ladies etc and that is really generous of you BUT, you are not your weight, you are you regardless of how much you weigh and that is what he needs to understand.

Anyway, we can't change the way he thinks and feels BUT we can help you to change the way you react and respond to it. You have to believe what we tell you Dior, don't be too willing to believe what he says. I for one think he is bloody lucky to have you!! I think he thinks that too deep down, I think he knows jolly well how attractive you are but he doesn't want you to realise how attractive you are because if you did then you would be confident and happy and then that would make you attractive to other men. Trust me, he knows exactly what he is doing.

I have received your email and I have had a look at your blog. Will you believe me if I tell you that your work is beautiful!. It is absolutely brilliant, you are a very talented lady and must have the patience of a saint! The amount of work that you have put into your jewellery AND your blog. It was lovely to read. I saw a completely different Dior whilst reading your blog. You are a special and gifted person Dior, it's time to start believing that for yourself. And yes, that is an order!!

HW - no, he has not really changed except for his hair thinning. TBH, I don't like balding men, but I would never dream of commetning on that making him less fanciable. WRT the mastectomy thing, he would say that I could not help that, but I CAN help my weight, which is true. IT is the whole loss of respect for greedy people thing.

TFM - thank you, you made me feel like crying .

Awh Dior, I'm sorry I made you feel like crying. I meant every single word though. Please believe it!!

And I will tell you something else, I have a lot more respect for a person who is overweight than I have for a bully who constantly picks on his wife for not being his ideal size! Who the hell died and made him God???

I think you are dealing with a jealous, insecure man and the next time he says anything at all about your weight, let that be the only thing that is in your mind. Let his words bounce right back at him, don't take them in. Just look his straight in the eye, shake your head at him and walk away. Don't be his audience. And all the while bear in mind what he is, an insecure, jealous bully! This speaks volumes about him Dior, not about you. Don't even give his words headspace!!

Sorry, this has all been 'me, me, me' hasn't it.

He is not so bad most of the time. It's just that the times he is like it make me feel so down. I think that, even if I were slim, there would be another reason to reject me. It has happened in the past and I just keep giving him more ammunition don't I!

TFM - lovely words
Dior - how about defending you and defending h less? It doesn't matter that he doesn't put you down all the time - the fact that he does it some of the time and makes you feel so low, is bad enough. I mean how would he feel if you told him that you like men with a full head of hair and that he is lacking in that department?

I am heavier than I was when I met h - aren't most of us post pregnancy/kids/30's? He still finds me attractive and the only thing he has ever nagged me about is exercising - as he is a bit of a fitness buff. Last year I was going more frequently than him and got the opportunity to nag him

Dior - what weight does h think you should be? Do you think it's achievable/attainable?

And doir - i too hate greedy pigs - but you are not one.
There is a whole world of differnce to someone who sits and scoffs chocolates all day and doesnt do any exercise except reach accross for the remote control, and someone who has a weight that is not within the 'normal' limits.

Pretty much all rugby players would be classed as obese if it were the weight ratio that was taken into account.

My ds who is 16 is pretty fit - but not very flexible - i can still touch my toes easily and have pretty good core strengh. He complemeted me the other day saying 'wow mum you really are fit deep down, not so much of the deep i said.

I have a good mind to not invite him to the party - afterall there will be a lot of us unable to control ourselves around the food then. Does he think i am a greedy person then?

I am sure he is a lovely person too btw but you must not let his silly comments bring you down and we are here to lift you up again

Please don't apologise Dior. It's all about you because right now you need it to be, that is nothing to apologise for.

And please don't think that you keep giving H ammunition. By thinking that way you are in effect accepting responsibility for the things he says. And no way are we going to allow you to do that!

Your H knows that if he attacks your weight he has found your weak point, he knows that this will hurt you more than anything. Can I ask, do you notice a pattern to his behaviour? Does he mention your weight more at some times than he does others? Perhaps when he is feeling stressed or low himself, or if he is having a hard time at work. Or maybe when you are feeling happy and content?? If you have never looked for a pattern then I think you should start. My bet is that you will be able to relate it to something that is going on with him, and like I said before, he homes in on your weight as a way of making himself feel bigger and better.

Now Dior, tell me, who do you choose to believe? The Teabags or your H??

Listen Dior. Stop apologising - we are all your friends and we have all at some point made this thread all about ourselves. That's what we are here for and that's why this thread has nearly reached 10000 posts.
I hope you do turn the tables on him and call his bluff. It will give you the control back and maybe stop him in his tracks and make him see that he stands to lose you if he doesn't start treating you with a bit more respect.
OK you may be carrying a few extra pounds. Who isn't? I'm a good stone heavier now than I was a few years ago. I would love to have a washboard stomach like I used to have but hey - that's not going to happen. DP has an ENORMOUS beer gut which I actually find quite hideous, but I have learnt to ignore it
You are very attractive and talented and he has no right to make you feel so unworthy.

Just saw this on active convos and had quick scan through to see how LL and Baffy lo's are doing. Glad to see alls well
TFM you back again that email you sent had me in stitches and ds too

Hi Lily!! How are you? I'm glad you liked the email, it was a corker wasn't it

See Dior, who cares what your H thinks, he knows nothing! Just Listen to those who do know and ignore him

Hi girls, sorry I've not been around for some days - hectic at work and a bit up and down at home. Had a friend round last night and we polished off a fair bit of wine - I'd forgotten just how much fun it can be to just have a girl's night in.

Dior, I back everything everyone's said - especially Aunty TimeForMe (waving). And it's interesting, what you said about H finding something else to winge about if you did lose weight. He seems to need to latch onto SOMEthing to maintain control. I too think it would be worth calling his bluff and telling him exactly what you think of his comments. I've tried that with DP (thanks to TFM's advice - and it works!

OK, back to work now.

TFM, I cannot look at my cacti in the same way anymore !

Ginnny, I shall be thinking of you tomorrow. It sounds like an excellent idea to have some time out afterwards so that DP can go on his benders without upsetting you. He knows you love him, and part of that love is checking that his DD is ok and then leaving him to sort himself out. He can put himself to bed! But I do understand how you must feel, when you know that he is grieving. I would be just the same (I dread the day anything happens to my DP's mother!)

Well, I walked into town and back again today - another 6-7 miles. I was absolutely shattered though. I gained again this week at WW, but have managed to stick to the plan today. Keep me strong girls!

Thing with h is that I know he would pick on something else about me but I know he can't help disliking bigger women. I really can't blame him for that.

Well Done Dior!! Thats a lot of steps again! Keep up the good work!

Now, I'm sorry to sound so harsh here but, by saying you don't blame H for not liking bigger women then you are more or less saying that you agree with his opinion and I'm sure that's not true!! Most bigger women are no less attractive than slim women, it's just unfortunately a lot of bigger women lack confidence, don't dress to their size or make the most of their figures. It's such a shame.

I once went out with a guy who didn't like blondes (in my yoof I might add ) He only dated brunettes, the idiot!! After talking to him I concluded this boiled down to him being insecure, he didn't like blondes because he was of the opinion they got more male attention, they were more attractive and he couldn't cope with the competition. Needless to say he found himself dumped!!

Well done for sticking to the plan today Dior, I know how hard it is so be kind to yourself

Hi Tanee We went to the garden centre yesterday and the first thing I saw was a display of cactus! Made me giggle.

Ginny - I hope tomorrow goes as well as it can for you. Take care of yourself first xx

he may have a prefernce for a smaller woman - but what he is doing is so so wrong.

What if your ds puts on a lot of weight (lets say from emotional eating) will you or HE not still love him???

Do you feel that you will never be good enough for him then dior?

But well done for the walk - i did a run today. touble is it makes me v hungry but i have tried to keep busy instead.

you said it much better than i did TFM.

I can honestly say that i am not bothered by a persons weight it doesnt stop me making friends with them - in fact most of the time i would not even notice it.

Dior - i know you do think about your weight a lot and this may because of what your h says but what if you HAD to stay the weight you are now - what would you do to make you happy as you are. I feel you are 'waiting' until you are a certain weight before you will allow yourself to be happy.

I think i used to be like that - and once when i was having a moan about how i seemed to always fail at losing weight she surprised me with her reply - saying that it did not matter what weight i was big or small i was still HW. That really made me think that i was spending too much of my time and energy 'worrying' about what i looked like rather than how i felt.

Hope that helps - although i bet you wont believe me either.

I have a friend who I walk to school with. She called for a coffee this morning and started telling me how bad she feels about herself, her double chin, her big fat belly (her words) her big bum and legs. She has gained weight and is feeling really depressed and not liking herself very much at the moment. I was telling the Gods honest truth when I told her I hadn't noticed she had gained any weight. To me she is an attractive, vivacious woman. End of! I did tell her though that she was depressed because she is now feeling bad because she is feeling bad IYSWIM so in effect she is giving herself a double dose of feeling bad. I told her what she needs to do is accept she is the size she is right now and not punish herself for it and, if she really does want to lose weight then do so but without hating herself, disliking herself and putting herself under pressure. Easier said than done I know but once you get out of that vicious circle then things are a lot easier.

I am just the same as you HW. A person's weight would not stop me from approaching them in an effort to make friends. A miserable face would though

The weird thing is since i have stopped 'trying' to lose weight my h actually thinks i have lost some and a couple of people have commented that i have too. I really havent lost any actualy weight honestly, but i also havent gained any either - which considering some of the nights out/celebrations i have had is very very odd.

Maybe HW, your posture has changed. Maybe you are walking with confidence, your head held high and your shoulders back these days

I do believe though that we all have a natural size. We can lose as much weight as we like but when we eat normally we will return to the weight we are meant to be. I think you posted something along those lines HW and I agreed when I read it. I have also come to the conclusion that these days it's a choice, to eat or be slim because when you are actually following a calorie controlled diet it doesn't amount to much real food does it? It certainly doesn't leave room for treats. I have been doing loads of walking and although I haven't lost much weight my body shape has changed, so much so that I am actually wondering if I really want to lose weight at all. Of course I would like to but, I'm wondering if it is actually worth the hassle! And the deprivation.

DD once said something really cute to me when she was little. I was poking my tummy in the mirror - I HATE my tummy, it's NEVER been flat and nothing I've ever tried has changed that, I even get offered seats on trains because people think I'm pregnant! - and I said to DD sadly, 'Oh, look at Mummy's wobbly bits'. And she said, 'Wobbly Mummies are cuddly Mummies'. AAaah .

None of us think of you as anything other than the lovely Liz Hurley lookalike you are, Dior, and yes, I do have to wonder why H projects so much onto your weight. After all, you aren't suggesting he get a hair transplant - or maybe you should and see how he likes that... ?! None of us will ever be the size we were in our youth, and none of our men will ever be what they were at 20 either. It's what lies within that counts. Else what are we going to love each other for when we're all decrepit, toothless, saggy old folk?

And hey, muscle weighs more than fat, so if you are taking lots of exercise, you will look sleeker, but your weight may actually increase!

And I'm a firm believer that a little of what you fancy does you good (especially mint ice cream!!)