FAB & GLAM PART 9 - DOES IT GET BETTER NOW!!

[macdoodle]

Started new thread guys as needed to post and old one wouldnt let me - sorry if name is bit miserable but thats how am feeling !

The police have just left
It all went tits up tonight - H found out/suspected about NM and lost it completely - was physically abusive and took my phone - best friend called the police!
Has been a hell of a night - long statement - excellent police man - who says should have called them a long time ago - gonna get the domestic violence team to ring me tomorrow - he will be arrested and probably cautioned - he seems really worried it will escalate - has put a marker on the phone for an immediate response, has adviced me to change the locks and go away for a bit if I can, and they will look at putting an alarm in the house
There is still a part of me that feels I am over reacting/is all my fault - even though an experienced police oficer is not happy about the situation!
What a mess my life has turned into

LL you have my sympathy. DD didn't was a terrible sleeper until she turned one and I thought I was badly done to! The first time she slept through I daren't go into her room for fear of what I might find, I sent DP in instead
Is this baby definitely a boy then or is that just a mummys instinct?

Dior, I know we have been here before but I just feel terribly sad for you. I just hope you don't let H's attitude bring you down. This is his problem not yours and you need to bear that in mind. We have a friend who I have just discovered has exactly the same opinion as your H. You can imagine the grief he has received from me!! He knows he is shallow, he will readily admit he is no oil painting himself and has no right to feel the way he does but he says he just can't help himself. I call him Shallow Hal and I've told him he needs therapy

You know Ladylush, I don't think these guys even think about the actual weight, it's just the appearance they think of. Shallow Hal says a woman has to look 'tidy'. His girlfriend is lovely, she is attractive, good conversation and he says good company, that they never run out of things to talk about. But he is driving himself mad and finding it hard to commit to her because she is a size 14 and a size 12 is the biggest size he will usually date It's like a phobia. And it's the men who need treatment for it, not the women that need to lose weight to cure that phobia.

Dior - that really is very shallow of h. Of course we would all love our other halves to be georgous looking (well i would), but love is much much more than that.

I would hate to think anything happened to h to disfigure him but i can honestly say that it is not his looks or his body (thank goodness) i love.

I find tall blonde muscle hunks very attractive and would have to be held back from jumping into bed with them . But i would never make it the basis of my relationship.

There really is something wrong with your h - he is allowed preferences but to make you feel so low because you dont match up to his exact liking is very very wrong. I do wonder if it is just an 'excuse' iyswim and if it wasnt the weight then it would be something else 'the colour of your hair' the way you dress, or talk or something.

TFM - yes i do think i have lost some (and maybe more than i am willing to admit even to myself) for h over this.
Also wonder if the way we have both had to handle it in our own way has highlighted some major differences in us - and whereas before i was willing to accept them because i had vowed 'for better or worse' now i am not so tolerate.
Do agree though that it is better to not be walked on. I certainly know my own boundaries now. And it is lovely to have you back - what are you growing in your garden this year?

On a totally different note - we are in the GCSE season - revision timetables keep appearing everywhere - roll on June when they are over and i will be 'allowed' back into DS room (i have been banned as i 'mess up' his revision papers - like there is some system going on -NOT).

Thank you HW it's nice to be back.

I think you are probably right in what you say about your relationship. You mention your vows in a lot of your posts which suggests that when you got married to your H you absolutely meant every word you said, and I honestly believe you did. You continue to work so hard at your marriage despite what happened and I really admire you for that. You are a very strong woman HW and your H is very lucky to have you. Don't ever let him forget that! And be proud of the person you have become, you are a person who commands respect from her H now, speaks her mind, won't tolerate being treated any way less than she deserves, and there's nothing wrong in that at all.

TFM - I don't know whether it's a boy or girl but I always say boy/brother first and refer to it as he, so yes I guess I do think it's a boy. I have exactly the same bump that I had with ds (so far all out front). Cravings are a bit different......ice lollies instead of pineapple but first trimester was similar (not much nausea).

Everything you say is true TFM - but this new 'assertive' me sometimes takes me by surprise. And there are days when i wish i wasnt so strong and capable - i just want to be looked after too. But then thats the burden of being a woman i suppose .

Lush - are you going to find out the sex? You know that is part of my job dont you? Ithink it is lovely not to know but i dont think many manage it 2nd time around.

HW - we're not sure. Only 3 more sleeps to decide though.....cue panic. I'm not good at indecision. We definitely wanted to know with ds and found out at the 13 week scan, but this time we're just not sure. Yes, I did remember you are a sonographer. Must be a lovely job when all is going well with the baby but sad when something is wrong (though at least the parents are finding out at a stage when they may be able to do something about it - e.g. fetal medicine).

Hi TFM - welcome back. We all missed you!!
LL - my bumps were all at the front with both of my boys and I had complete opposite cravings. Do let us know if you find out!!!
Dior - at H's comments. It is shallow and I agree with others that it is his problem not yours. As for fat people being greedy - what crap!! LOL at Shallow Hal - I know someone like that too TFM, although she is female. Maybe we should set them up!!
DP's Mum's funeral is on Wednesday and I'm dreading it. I'm feeling quite emotionally drained by it all tbh.
I know he'll get really pissed, upset his dd, argue with his brothers (who will also be pissed!)and God only knows what else. My job will be to get his dd home before it all kicks off and to get him home to bed in one piece, then I'll leave him to it for the next few days, as I'm sure there will be another bender after.
I can't say this to anyone in RL because it sounds so bloody selfish, but I'm finding it really hard to cope with. I know he's grieving but I'm sick of the drink being part of that. It doesn't help him, just makes him more emotional and upset, but he can't seem to help himself.
I really really need a break.

lush - it is a wonderful job. It is mostly full of joy and wonder. I get really cross when i hear that sometimes sonographers are a bit grumpy, as i feel that for the majority of couples it is a wonderful time. Yes it is horrible if it is not as it should be - but being off with everyone only leads to people thinking we are a group of grumpy cows. Although having said that i did get accussed of not being proffessional enough as i was too chatty to a couple - cant win with some people ehh?

Ginnny - hope it does go ok and you are not selfish for wanting to help your dp - he just cant see the pain he causes himself and others by his drinking - and until the consequences really do catch up with him he wont - i tend to have a similar problem - except h does not get violent at all and tends to just be 'funny' and then fall asleep.

Ginny you are no a selfish cow at all - you are pretty bloody marvellous
Grieving is understandable yes, using it as an excuse for weeks of drinking is not !!
He was doing so well, but seems any stress just tips him back and you are so understanding and have to deal with the fallout - no wonder you are fed up !

Dior - at your H, he is just eroding your self confidence year after year, dont really know what the solution is as he doesnt seem to realise his attitude and behaviour is unacceptable and so sees no need to change XH was the same with me though I think the weight was just an excuse to put me down and find blame with me!
DP is wonderful, I honestly think he sees the person I was 13 years ago when we first met, young pretty thin and care free...he says I am just the same and tells me all the time how sexy and gorgeous I am - feel quite lucky to have him really

LL how exciting for the scan - I found out for both of mine but I hate surprises!

HW have some thoughts for you but will come back later have to go cook pancakes now!

Oh and my news!!!! XH finally signed the divorce papers yey And seems is definitely back with OW - find I couldnt care less and if it makes him behave in a remotely more reasonable manner then am all for it, suspect he will start on her soon and even feel a bit sorry for her - am almost a bit tempted to send her a copy of the Lundy book (almost but not quite)!!

Hi everyone else Baffy how you doing??

oh I forgot welcome home TFM we missed you

Thanks for the support girls.

Lovely to see you back TFM - we have missed your wise words. Glad things are good for you.

Ginnny - I hope the funeral goes 'well'. It must be awful knowing what will happen with him but not being able to stop it.

Ginnny - sorry things are difficult at the moment. I don't blame you at all for feeling so down about it all. Of course you're right - alcohol will make things much worse for dp (and in turn, you).

Macdoodle - glad dp is treating you well. No less than you deserve Congrats on divorce - yay Has xh stopped manipulating dd? Hope so. It's pathetic that he's moved in on ow again but sadly predictable. As you say, at least it gets him off your back.

HW - Most of the sonographers I've met have been lovely. I just had one bad experience at an EPU (when pg wasn't viable). That's not bad odds given my obstetric history How bizarre that you were told off for being unprofessional just because you were chatting to a couple - I'm sure most couples would rather have a friendly sonographer than one that resembles a robot.

Hello Ladies and thank you for the lovely welcome home messages, I will have to leave more often!

HW I can relate to what you say. I think you have always been strong and capable though, it's just that you haven't had to be before, you were happy to take a back seat and trust H to take care of you and everything. Now though you no longer feel you can trust him to do that. He hurt you in the worst way possible so now you are permanently on your guard, you won't be about to let him do that again. I also think (but you know I could be wrong, it has been known ) that your new found strength and capability will serve as a constant reminder to your H of what he did to you. So, I don't think you being strong and capable is a bad thing at all. Embrace it woman!

Ginny, I really feel for you but sweetheart. This is a really difficult time for you but, please try not to take on responsibility for your DP. Do exactly as you intend to do. Go to the funeral, pay your respects and then leave with his DD and leave him to it. Don't even be the one to put him to bed. He is a grown man who chooses to drink and therefore should take the full responsibility for that. It is not up to you to pick up the pieces or clear up the mess that his drinking causes. By doing so you are giving him the message that you approve, that it's to do it. Well yes, it is ok for him to do it if that's what he wishes to do, but what isn't ok is that it affects you. You DO need a break but he isn't going to give you one. You have to do it for yourself. You are still allowed to love him and care about him, protecting yourself doesn't mean you love him any less, it just means that finally you love yourself more!! And you don't sound selfish at all sweetie, I for one am so pleased to read that you are thinking about yourself in all of this xx

Macdoodle! That's brilliant news!! I am so pleased that there is finally an end to that particular chapter in your life. Congratulations!!!

LL Will you be finding out the sex of the baby? And will you let us know if you do find out?

Hi Dior I hope you are having a good weekend and not letting your H get to you. How's the crafting going these days? Are you still doing lots of it? Are you still a SAHM? You were getting a little bored the last time we 'spoke', are you sticking it out or did you find a little job?

Hello to everyone else too

Thanks for all the support guys! You are all great!
I was having a bit of a bleak moment last night, but feel a bit better today. I've decided to suggest we take some time out after the funeral, only a week or so just to get over it all and hopefully let him get it all out of his system and give me some breathing space. The worst thing atm is that the alcohol makes the grief so much more intense and I'm finding it completely draining. A councellor friend of mine calls it projection or transference or something like that but I think he's dumping a lot of his pain on me, then he passes out in a stupour and I'm left reeling!
I'm not with him today so we are having a day indoors - the dc are going to hinder help me sort out the garden then I'll do a nice big roast dinner for us and an early night.

I'm pleased you are feeling better about things today Ginny Your friend is right, he is projecting onto you, that's why you have to find a way to protect yourself so that he doesn't bring you down with him. One of the main things to remember, to keep telling yourself is that this is about him not about you, it is about how he feels about himself IYSWIM. Try not to take anything he says or does personally, don't be a sponge a soak it up! I think you are doing the right thing by taking time out after the funeral. It's important that you stay strong and as unaffected as possible by his drinking. Also, alcohol will make his grief worse as alcohol is a depressant, it won't be helping him one little bit.

You stay strong!

McD = that is brilliant news - the one thing i can honestly say that h never seems to worry about my weight and it is me that has the problem.
Looking back i think one of the best and most complete i felt was when i was actually at my heaviest. We went on holiday with a couple (she was very skinny btw) and i didnt give a monkeys about what i looked like.

Anyway i am waiting for your take on my situation ????

HW can I ask, you say at your happiest times you were at your heaviest and you didn't give a monkeys how you looked, which is great because that shows how secure you felt, both about yourself and your relationship. So, has this only changed since H had the affair?

And you know what, it doesn't matter a jot whether your H has an issue with your weight, it's how you feel that matters! You don't need his approval in any way, shape or form!

Well TFM, crafting is still going strong. I would post a link to my blog but I am wary of that on here now. If you would loke to see my stuff then I can email the address to you...I think I am improving slowly and surely. I am quite pleased with a lot of my pieces (ooh, get me!) now.

The weekend - hmm, not too bad. I had a beading day yesterday, which was fab. Then today we walked into town and back - 6 miles in total. He made several comments today, veiled but I knew what he meant. At one point I actually considered telling him that I had had enough and that he could go and find a slim woman, but I can't even remember what he said now, and I was hot and hungry at the time, so maybe I slightly over-reacted...

Gosh Dior, I wish you had said that to him! I wish you would challenge him with regard to his attitude about your weight. You are too nice, blaming being hot and hungry, taking responsibility for how you felt about his comments. You should have given it him with both barrels!!

Well done on the walk, 6 miles amounts to a lot of steps! I've really got into walking, I've not lost much weight but my body shape has definitely changed and I'm pleased with how it's looking. I've become a member of Fitbug www.fitbug.com/uk.corporate,366. It's brilliant. They send you a pedometer and set you targets which you upload to the computer. There is a nutrition page where you log the food you eat (they set you a calorie allowance too) and it measures your energy in and energy out. It's worth a look if you fancy getting into the walking for weightloss/health in a serious way. I can't sit still these days, I have to walk, even if it's only up and down the kitchen

I think you are maybe trapped in a bit of a vicious circle. You are bound to feel upset knowing how H feels about your weight but that won't help with the diet, it will make you eat more if anything. It's quite a lot of pressure you are under as a result of his attitude, even if you don't realise it. He needs to be told Dior!!

I'm really pleased to hear the crafting is going well. It's good that you have something for yourself and especially something that makes you feels good. I would love to see your work so yes please, email me the address. You undersell yourself, the work I have previously seen is beautiful so I am sure you are more than improving. You should have more belief in yourself

Dior - I sneaked a look at your profile pics and the craft stuff you've done is lovely. Very impressed

Re. h - I don't think being around someone like that is conducive to reaching your preferred weight. He should be encouraging you, not criticising. 6 miles is a really long walk so you are certainly NOT lazy

I think i have always cared about my weight - i am no different to anyone else and would love to drop a few stone overnight. But i can honestly say that it has never worried my h - he would like me to be slimmer because he knows i would be happier to get into a smaller dress etc, but it certainly does not put him off me at all. And that really is a lovely feeling to know he loves me whatever shape i am.

Whilst h was having his affair i started losing a lot of weight (through slimming world) but my confidence seemed to be shrinking too. Of course with hindsight it was the other things that were going on and nothing to do with my weight loss at all - but it felt as if the more i lost the worse i felt and didnt want to go out, so i made a negative connection with the weight loss iyswim.
When h left the weight just dropped off me and i was my thinnest for a very long time. I know i looked good (but obviously felt shite), so again a negative connection with weight loss.

Whilst i would love to lose some weight i feel that even if i do i will natually return to the wieght i am now. I have lost some and seem to go back to where i am now no matter how much or how little i eat. I have a generally healthy diet and lifestyle (taken up running again - having been given the all clear health wise).
I am medically overweight but probably fitter than average so i try not to let it get to me now.

So to answer your question i think the weight connection has nothing to do with my happiness and is just an 'excuse' for how i am feeling and i wonder if that is what diors h is doing too. It is so easy to say i will be happy when i reach goal but the problems are still there.

I've remembered the comments now...

Firstly, I was saying that my calf muscles hurt, shortly after we had left home. I think it was because I had walked a lot on Thursday and then sat down beading all day Friday and Saturday. I knew they would get more comfy once I had walked longer. H said, 'Well, you know why that is don't you' implying that my weight was the problem.

Now, I know this is not the case as I did the same walk on Tuesday with no problems. I know being overweight does put a strain on muscles and the body frame, but I honestly don't think this was the case in this instance. I got annoyed and said, 'Why does EVERYTHING have to come down to my weight?', to which he replied that he had meant me being unfit. I argued what he had meant and he sort of agreed that he had meant my weight.

LAter on, we had an icecream. We hadn't eaten lunch yet so h told ds to have an ice-lolly, so as not to ruin his appetite. I decided on a Calippo, but then changed my mind when I got to the kiosk and ordered a mint ice cream in a little plastic tub thing. It was not a lot of icecream. When I walked up to him, he held his lolly up and said, 'What was wrong with this?' I looked at him, obviously confused and he then said, 'I thought you were having a Calippo?' - basically meaning 'you porker'

I have been really tempted lately to tell him to just go. I don't feel anger towards him really, just a sort of resigned loss.

oh dear dior - not good is it.

My calf muscles ache when i walk - (i can for miles without pain), i think it depends on what muscles you have been using as to which hurt. And actually i dont think it has anything to do with being unfit.

Surely it is to do with heart rate and blood pressure as to how unfit you are??

And ice cream is hardly an unhealthy food although the name implies that.

Feeling miserable and down is more likely to make you turn to food anyway - does he not realise that he should be complimenting you.

My h will always say how lovely i look. And actually i do agree that i can scub up well and wear clothes that 'hide' my less desirable bits.

Dior - i will send you an invite to my party and you can enjoy yourself all you want.
You are a wonderful bubbly person and it is obvious that it is your h that has the problem in a social situation not you.

You are lovely just the way you are and honestly i really do not see a woman who needs to lose a ton of weight. I am sure you are just the same as most of us - you could do with getting a bit fitter and maybe be careful about what you eat - but we are all like that -you are normal.

Dior - I get the impression that your H is putting you down for the sake of it sometimes. Its very cruel. FFS you aren't a child and like HW says a little tub of ice cream isn't going to hurt, especially when you are walking and getting lots of exercise.
Why does he feel the need to criticise all the time. Does he ever praise you up in other ways, tell you your hair/make up looks good, or comment on your crafting or anything.
My ex would constantly put me down about everything, the affect it had on me was that I stopped trying to please him, I knew whatever I did wouldn't be good enough so I became lazy and stopped bothering. Its soul destroying when you can't do anything right.
I understand that feeling of resigned loss. Its horrible and you deserve so much more.