FAB & GLAM PART 9 - DOES IT GET BETTER NOW!!

[macdoodle]

Started new thread guys as needed to post and old one wouldnt let me - sorry if name is bit miserable but thats how am feeling !

The police have just left
It all went tits up tonight - H found out/suspected about NM and lost it completely - was physically abusive and took my phone - best friend called the police!
Has been a hell of a night - long statement - excellent police man - who says should have called them a long time ago - gonna get the domestic violence team to ring me tomorrow - he will be arrested and probably cautioned - he seems really worried it will escalate - has put a marker on the phone for an immediate response, has adviced me to change the locks and go away for a bit if I can, and they will look at putting an alarm in the house
There is still a part of me that feels I am over reacting/is all my fault - even though an experienced police oficer is not happy about the situation!
What a mess my life has turned into

Hi Sugar. Thank God your dd wasn't too badly affected by the whole thing. I only hope the police don't upset her by dragging it all up again when she is trying to forget about it all. Sorry to hear you are still not feeling well. It sounds horrible. Don't feel you can't come on here and offload. We all do that from time to time.
Lush - If you don't want him to go to this do then you should tell him and he should accept it and understand why. I completely understand why it makes you feel awkward. Since DP had his 'fling' when we split up last summer I've told him that I don't want him ever to be in the same room as OW ever again. That was little more than a one night stand for him and he can't stand her now but I would still feel very uneasy about them being together again. I can't explain it, its just how I feel.
Happy Birthday mini Tannee .
Fwiw I too could have a 17 year old dd but like Lush left it later to start having babies.
I'm so so broody again at the moment. My cousin is about to have her first baby any day now and I'm so . I WANT ONE!!

Aw, thanks for your greetings to MiniTanee. I was an elderly primagravida myself - I was 34 when she came along. I got used to being one of the eldest parents at the school gate - some of the parents were young enough to be my children .

MiniTanee had a good prebirthday - as term began yesterday, she wasn't too happy about the day itself. But one positive was that we had dinner together for the first time in ages and DP and she chatted about buying a good music system. He's been ignoring her for so long that it was a real joy to hear them communicating again .

Sugar, I'm so glad that DD is getting over the phone incidents. It may be worth contacting the borough commander for your area to find out whether they are pursuing this, and let him know that you would prefer your DD not to be called into court as you don't want it all raked up again.

Sorry to hear about your endometriosis. One of my closest friends had it for years and it took ages to get a diagnosis. At one point we all feared she had cancer because she was in such pain and losing weight. Eventually she had a hysterectomy as she knew she didn't want children, went on HRT patches and has never felt better!

Don't worry about venting on here. We're not always feeling that strong - and I do think we draw a lot of strength from each other when things are bad.

Ladylush, I would also feel uncomfortable if DP was going to a social occasion where an ex might be. Only you can decide how to handle this. If it were me, I would tell him that you feel insecure, but that of course he must go if it's expected, that you will not ask him not to go. But in return, I would want him to offer you some reassurance that NOTHING will happen and that he has no feelings in that direction any more.

Ah, thanks everyone Well, last night I did talk to him. I told him that I do mind him going and that I want him to know how I feel. I also made it clear that I was not stopping him from going - that it was his choice. He said he won't go, that it is a shame he can't attend the leaving do as he got on well with her (the lady who is leaving) but he only has himself to blame. He was quite quiet the rest of the night. I think maybe he was despondent that the situation still hangs over us.........but hey ho.

Ginnny - sorry to hear you're feeling broody (unless, you and dp decide to ttc ). It's so complicated being female isn't it.

HW - I couldn't see myself pretending I had made plans. That would seem quite passive. I'm a more direct kind of person Supposedly one of the things dh loves about me Also, as I said before, it may be a leaving do this time, but there may be other occasions he's invited to so I think it's best that he knows how I feel.

oh i agree i think i am too direct sometimes too and this has made me more so.

Your h should think it is a small price to pay for your peace of mind. I know my h would not go to anything where he thought there may be a chance of seeing ow - however much he liked the person. But i think he has a lot longer to see that he has caused so much trouble and it will be with us for ever now.

LL - He needs to see that the consequences of what he did will be far reaching and probably permanent. It sounds like he is realising this now and like he said he's only got himself to blame.
I am soooo broody, I don't know what's come over me . I think its because now I have the coil it all feels very final iyswim. When I was on the pill I knew I had a daily choice, I could always not take it or an accident could happen, but now the coil is in there for 5 years, by which time I'll be 44, which is a depressing thought! I really wish I'd started having babies when I was younger, but stupidly I waited for the right man to come along, but he turned out to be a frog just like all the others!!
I need to win the lottery then all my problems will vanish

Ginnny - lol at frogs Unfortunately I don't think a lottery win would be a safe guard against meeting frogs I suppose you could get the coil removed, but whether you want another dc with dp is another question I suppose. It's hard when you feel broody though. Rational thought goes out the window.

HW - I forgot to say, no one at that work place knows about the affair. He only told one colleague who had already left some time before. I bet some of them would've guessed though.

Hey Ginny not so much of the old at 44 - i will be that next birthday - but i do feel it is too old for a baby.

A freind of mine had twins whilst she thought she had the coil in!!! So be careful what you wish for.

Lush do you think it would have been better if others did know about the affair?
Whilst h would not broadcast it as such he is willing to talk about it and i am sure he would tell people now. Last year at a party he got drunk and he and another friend (female - who had also stayed) were having a 'competition' as to who was the worst spouse.
I think it helps me to feel that he doesnt see it as 'over' and he will always have to live with it too.

HW - sorry I didn't mean 44 is old
at twins - that must have been horrendous!!
Lush - you are right, a baby with DP would be a disaster and would certainly be the end of us, but it is an irrational urge as you say.
I'll just make the most of my boys while they are young and cute, before puberty turns them all hairy and smelly!

ginny it was a huge shock as she already had 3 - so went to 5.
That biological clock is a strange beast though isnt it? I do still get broody but i know i really dont want anymore but just love cuddling babies.

HW you can cuddle mine anytime
Actually I'm kind of glad his colleagues didn't know. It would have been more humiliating for me.

Ginnny - I have a feeling this one is a boy too. I don't mind having two boys at all. Ds wasn't an affectionate baby or toddler but certainly is now and like you I'm making the most of it before he turns into a hairy, smelly oik guided by a nether part of his anatomy The other night he was so upset at the thought that one day his dad and I will die. I suppose as far as he is concerned we are both ancient at 37

Have you all been getting sunshine? It's been lovely here all week

The thing is lush whilst i think you feel it would have been more humiliating for you - and i can totally understand that, by them not knowing he too has not had to face that humiliation either.
I have tried to be as open as i can to people and it is surprising and sad just how many people have gone through or are going through this.
I also believe that by it being a kind of taboo it almost perpetuates it iyswim. Keeps is exciting and secret, because we are reluctent to 'get involved' in other peoples business. You have absolutly nothing to be ashamed of - yet i do understand that you somehow take some of the 'blame' too.

Looking back i wish now i had said something when i knew about affairs at work - maybe this was my karma .

I now take comfort in the fact that despite h being toatally shamed by family and friends he is still prepared to work at it. The friends that do know (and it is pretty much all of them) often remark just how well he is doing as they can all see the effort he has put in to re-building what he destroyed.
We do have a few 'new' friends who dont know what happened - and its not through shame it is just that there is not the need to discuss it.

oh and yes please - love to cuddle the newies when they arrive.

hi all I am here I have been around lurking a bit ...trying to get head straight, calmer tonight will tell all in a min!

First of all - it was so lovely to finally meet some of my teabags I can honestly say that without you lot the last few years would have been very much harder! You are all just like you are on here (wonderful ), not a hairy trucker in sight!!

HW at that car accident, thank goodness you are ok, and very that H was good about it, exactly right it is just a car!!
Dior, I am sorry but I get so at your H, I really do, is it just about weight for him or is it just an excuse for his low libido It is terrible what he is doing to your self esteem, I know I've been there

Ginny, god I soooooo sympathise with the broodiness, its almost like a physical ache Worryingly DP (yes I have upgraded him from NM to DP , doesnt seem averse to the idea, we havent really discussed it but.......anyway dont worry am not rushing into anything and am being careful, have given myself 2 years (till I am 40) to see how my life is then and then we will see

Baffy, so nice to hear from you Not so good to hear the news though I guess you know the OW will never go away
XH's OW and he seem to be playing happy families with my DD's though TBH it doesnt bother me at all
Please be careful Baffy, I so want a happy ending for you but I worry that H is just not capable of being the man you truly deserve (you and your lovely sons to be 2 DS's). Well I know how easy it is to lay all the blame at the foot of the lunatic OW but your H really has to take his fair share of responsibility for what he has done

Tanee Happy happy birthday to mini T I too could have a 17yr old but would have been 20 when I had her scary thought
I have utmost admiration for you Tanee, how you deal with and cope with DP's depression and behaviour, I wish you could be treated better though....

Sugar am glad DD is ok what a horrible experience And so sorry about the endometriosis, as a GP I see the suffering, and as a friend I have a very close friend who was infertile from endometriosis and ended up with a hystercetomy She has adopted 3 children and is very happy and painfree now

Hope didnt forget anyone, PC, TFM you lurking?? Hope you are ok, have seen PC's updates on FB looking better

oh my my how could I forget LL Soooooo sorry
Am glad to hear LO is thriving And I so understand how you feel about the party, am glad H was understanding, so is he not going then I hope so, it only seems fair that he should face the consequences of his actions1

Hi MacD - so good to hear from you Glad all is going well with DP (good to see he's been appointed a DP) Things sound a lot calmer now all round. Hope stbxh has stopped manipulating your dd. It's rather pathetic that he went back to the ow after protesting his love for you - but that's how shallow some men are eh Plus as you say, you don't care I bet a couple of years ago - even a year - you wouldn't have dreamed you'd be over him and happy

HW - The thing is, dh's work colleagues were never good friends iyswim. They didn't socialise together much and if they did it was a friday evening in the City. He never met them at the weekend, for example, and I never went out with them socially. So I doubt whether he'd have felt close enough to them to tell them and I certainly wouldn't have wanted to discuss it with them because they were less than superficial friends to me. On the other hand, we did tell all our close friends and he told his sister (whom he is very close to). I told a couple of women I used to work with just because they were going through something similar.

Hi all. I have the PMT from hell and h and I have not had a good day. Grrr.

Hope you are all well. I am just popping to say hi.

Hi Dior, hope you are feeling better today?

MacD, it was great to meet you too. I was up your way over the weekend but didn't have much time to myself as we had to stay with DP's mam. Took her and dog to Barry and nearly got blown away. Never experienced such wind!!!!

Had a big confrontation with DP on Saturday night (luckily, after his mum had gone to bed!) and threatened to drive home alone at 3am, leaving him stranded in Wales. I actually had my keys in my hand but he said we should talk. So we talked, and I told him if he's so unhappy about us living together, he should just go!!!!. Amazingly, that opened the floodgates, we talked and cried till 5am and things are much better now! I think he was shocked that I had at last had enough and that I was finally telling HIM to go. Up to now, it's been him saying he wants to go, and me pleading with him to reconsider. Well, I called his bluff this time and I feel a whole lot better for it .

GirlPower, eh?!

Go Tannee!!! He's had it coming!
I'm glad it ended with you both talking and clearing the air. Maybe he'll realise how lucky he is to have you now.
Dior sorry you are feeling so down. Hope you feel better soon.

Tanee - well done. I sometimes feel that h wants all the sympathy and when i say i have had enough he is shocked.

Been looking for a new car - no joy yet, so will have to keep the money in the bank for a bit longer.

Had a lovely evening in london on friday - makes me realise i need to do it more. Lets get some more dates for meet up please.

Dior hope you are ok - still willing for a lunch anytime.

Morning all

Dior - hope you're feeling better now.

HW - good luck with the hunt for a new car.

Tanee - well done for calling his bluff. Sometimes it seems as if he is a tad attention seeking, so good for you to set boundaries Sounds like it shocked him good and proper, which is no bad thing. He needs to acknowledge how good you are for him.

Not much going on with me. Had my m/w appt. on Monday. Baby fine. 20 weeks pg today Half way through Have a neat bump so far, but I think it's because I am tall. I do get large at the end though. Got my scan in 2 weeks.

How is everyone else? Baffy? MacD? Ginnny?

Hi Lush - 20 weeks already - where has that time gone? Glad all is OK.
Dior - how are you feeling now? Better I hope.
I've just heard that DP's Mum died this morning . He's in pieces bless him and I'm a bit worried about him. He's up in London working so he's got to abandon his job and come back home, but its a horrible drive at the best of times. We all knew it was coming but its still a shock. She was a lovely old lady and I was really fond of her. It is a relief in a way as she was so ill and had no quality of life stuck in hospital.

Ginnny - sorry re DP'd mum

I am ok thanks. We had a horrendous weekend - not good at all. It is back to living like flat-mates again. Not really anything more I can say.

Oh dear Dior - maybe the time has come to throw in the towel??
(((((Hug))))))

Dior - so sorry to hear that

Ginnny - very sad news about dp's mum but as you say, at least she is not suffering any more.

Well, he got home last night and actually interacted with me! Sat and told me stuff...

Could it be because I had visibly done some housework, or because I lost 2.5lbs this week?