FAB & GLAM PART 9 - DOES IT GET BETTER NOW!!

[macdoodle]

Started new thread guys as needed to post and old one wouldnt let me - sorry if name is bit miserable but thats how am feeling !

The police have just left
It all went tits up tonight - H found out/suspected about NM and lost it completely - was physically abusive and took my phone - best friend called the police!
Has been a hell of a night - long statement - excellent police man - who says should have called them a long time ago - gonna get the domestic violence team to ring me tomorrow - he will be arrested and probably cautioned - he seems really worried it will escalate - has put a marker on the phone for an immediate response, has adviced me to change the locks and go away for a bit if I can, and they will look at putting an alarm in the house
There is still a part of me that feels I am over reacting/is all my fault - even though an experienced police oficer is not happy about the situation!
What a mess my life has turned into

and if you get to the end of that post well done!

Dior - yes I totally understand where you're coming from. I tend to avoid my friends too when I'm going through a rough patch. They always get the sanitised version when I finally do confide in them - have to work it through myself first. Glad the Barber appreciates you even if h doesn't. Your mnet friends might be a bit more unbiased than your RL friends but the more they get to know you, the more angry they'll feel on your behalf too. That's just the way it goes. Hard to stand by and watch someone you care about being mis-treated

HW - OMG So glad you are ok. The weather was vile yesterday. I was driving in it too. H's reaction was spot on. It is only a piece of metal after all. And maybe Tanee has a point - might be able to get a few quid out of the insurance man. Sometimes insurers are lazy and don't bother to check things out probably. Easier for them to give you a couple of grand then put the premium up So you might need to do the research yourself by taking it to a garage or two to see how viable it is to keep it. You're doing the right thing getting back in the car but it'll be very scary. Allow yourself a large glass of wine when you get back

I keep talking about wine - must be because I can't have any Actually, I don't even fancy it which is very strange as I did when pg with ds.

I too am wondering how Baffy is. Also has anyone heard from PC (hope her brother is ok) or TFM - who I know lurks from time to time?

Freaky Cross posted. Will now go back and read Baffy's post.

Baffy - wow. So much going on for you right now. I'm not surprised you're teary at times. OW dropped the baby off at your house to stir up trouble - that was what she really intended. Shame it backfired
She really is a piece of work isn't she. I really think h will have no choice in the end but to go the formal route (access, paternity status) because she will always hold him to ransom otherwise and that is an untenable situation. It will drive him crazy and that will have a knock on effect on all of you. I think you are amazing to support him through this, I really do. If you are to have any future together though, I think it's time h started having some control over his own destiny and calling some shots. He'll be doing it for the baby's benefit too, not just his. I agree - no solicitor will be able to prevent access given that he is a loving dad wanting to be involved. Maybe he needs to call her bluff. Even if you and he don't reunite, I still think he needs some stability wrt childcare arrangements and he will never get this with OW fucking him around.
If you want to meet up when you're on maternity leave I'd be up for that (and any other teabags who can make it - where did that name come from anyway??)and we can compare bumps. I get told I am small for dates by women who have had more than 1. It was like that with ds though, then suddenly I was a whale

Hi Baffy, So good to hear from you. No wonder your head is swimming with all that going on. Stupid stupid OW using an innocent little baby as a weapon . I'm glad to hear that H is finally and being there for you and ds. I agree with Lush that he needs to go down the legal route with OW now. It doesn't matter how much money her father has got (how proud must he be of his dd ), no court will stop a good father from seeing his child, and why should he pay for a child that might not even turn out to be his. Its common sense.
It sounds like she is running out of steam. All the time her silly little stunts backfire on her she will lose power over you. If you and H are a united front then she can't manipulate you, its only if he starts lying and creeping around again that she gains control of you both and if he's got any sense at all he wouldn't dare!! (He'd have an army of teabags on his back if he did!!!)
Lush - The teabags thing came from a saying ... something like "women are like teabags, if you put them in hot water they get stronger. Sums us all up doesn't it?

Hi Baffy!!! Glad you're still around and very glad to hear that you and H are getting closer. I believe that everything happens for a reason and maybe your little bump has come into existence to bring his parents closer again - wherever that might lead in the long run. Just take each day as it comes (I'm sure you are already ) OMG at OW dumping her lo on you and claiming she did it to wake YOU up lol. Good for you turning it to your and ds's advantage (and the child's advantage too - she will probably grow up to consider you an oasis of calm). I do feel so sorry for that child - she might actually be better off being dumped on you for good! I dread to think what her life is going to be like with PsychoGirl.

I agree with LL - H should call her bluff and follow the legal route - take control. I doubt any court would deny him access IF the child is his. It would be good for your and his peace of mind if paternity could be established - and stuff her!

LadyL - your wine will come... - oh, the Teabags - remember, it was coined because We are all like teabags - put us into hot water, and the longer we remain in it, the stronger we grow! I certainly feel much, much stronger than when I joined you all on Dior's thread a couple of years ago, even though DP continues to have his depressive episodes, I am better able to ride them now and give him the space he needs without pushing him further away. At the moment he is very slowly coming out of his post holiday slump and whilst it seems to be one step forwards, two steps back at times, I am coping (shaky ) and he is more forthcoming than he was a week ago.

So when these miniTeabags are born, we must have that mid-country meetup.

Wot Ginnny said - sums us all up - YES !!

Aha, now I know. Thanks ladies

Thanks guys

I think you?re right, it?s good that H is there for us now but it does need to be him that calls the shots and takes control. I try not to offer any suggestions or solutions because I do want it to be him who decides. He called me before to say he was contacting the Family Court for advice, and he contacted the CSA yesterday, so fingers crossed he is following it through this time. For all our sakes.

I said to him that I will be there for him if I can, but I need his support more, and the more our lives revolve around her then the more she retains the power and the further in the opposite direction I want to run!!

LL you?re totally right. She dropped that tiny baby off just to cause trouble
I am so so tempted to get in touch just to say thanks for dropping the lo round I had a lovely cuddle with her and it was great for me to introduce her to her brother But I am retaining the moral high ground this time and I never want to be in contact with her again. She?ll get what she deserves.

Totally agree with you Tannee, have often thought she might be better off being with us for good! What chance does she have with her mum behaving as she is That?s why if H is her dad, I think it?s so so important that he is in her life and is a stable, loving father and role model that never lets her down. She deserves to be loved and know she is loved. Not to grow up thinking she was some sort of mistake or guilty secret I'd love her to know she is welcome with us anytime and is much a sibling to ds as this lo I'm carrying.
(I fear her mother's manipulation and mind games may make all of that extremely difficult though.)

Ginny, if he does start lying and creeping around again I will actually pack is bags for him and deliver them to OW personally! It?s great having him there for me, but I really don?t need him if he can?t manage it in the way I deserve. If he wants to start all that again then she, or anyone else for that matter, would be more than welcome to him!!

Lovely to hear from you all though. Thanks Meet up in the summer would be great. No more meeting up without me

Yes, I think you're right Baffy. He needs to step up to the plate now. Also think you are right to resist the temptation to thank ow for letting you meet the baby (tempting though it would be ) She'd probably plot something horrid to get revenge.....like let you all get attached to the lo then withdraw access I think you are right to avoid all contact. H got you all into this mess and he needs to sort it out. Glad he has been looking into what action he needs to take.

Hi all. Thanks for the support.

HW - - so glad you are ok x

Baffy - lovely to 'see' you.

The car will definitly be a right off, some of the side air bags had inflated and if that happens it really is a big job and a huge cost so it will be a finacial write-off if nothing else.

H is actually quite excited about getting a new car too anyway.

Baffy - let ow go through the courts to prevent access at least when she does turn up at 16 there will be the court records to prove that h did actually want he see her and not just abandoned her.

H should not have to pay for her unless it is proved and also it is important to get him on the birth cert - for future records too and if anything awful did happen to ow (despite us all wishing for it like mad), h would have no claim.

Good luck to you though.

Driving today was fine too btw.

HW - glad you got back in the saddle ok - and that DH is looking forward to a new car. That's the attitude you want !

Baffy, you sound so strong and self-determined about this - and you are right not to say anything to OW. Keep maintaining your dignity and just let her keep digging that hole deeper and deeper.

Dior - our pleasure .

Hi to everyone else - hope the rain stops soon...

Can I just share something small that I'm really pleased about. One of DD's friends has had a really rough couple of weeks. Her father and stepmum have separated, which has really upset her as she and her stepmum are close - then on top of that, her boyfriend looked like he was finishing with her. Poor girl was in tears all week, pleading with bf, texting him, he wasn't responding, just pushing her further away. I told DD to suggest to her that she takes a BIG step back (a la TFM's advice) and leave BF alone and not make ANY contact. She's just phoned DD to say that it's already worked - he's phoned her three times today, and things seem to be getting better. So now I am becoming DD's Friends' Relationship Adviser !

All I need to do now is keep following my own advice.

You should start charging Tannee

It is always so simple when it is someone else's relationship Tanee. Don't beat yourself up for not taking your own advice - you seem to be dealing with dp well to me.

Always good to get the respect of your dc's mates so well done Tanee Totally agree - always much easier when it's someone else's relationship. Most of the time we know exactly what we should do but things get in the way, like emotions and that stupid thing called love. It sure has a lot to answer for.

Thanks girls, and yes, that stupid thing called love just gets in the way. I'm feeling a bit down today - DP and I seem to be living separate lives at the moment. I think the real DP really did get left behind in Spain. Oh well, I think I need a kick up the backside to make me stop caring so much .

My baby is 17 today. Now, that makes me feel ooold....but - the sun is shining!

HW- so glad to read that your ok and as everyone says the car is a bit of metal its you thats most important and the fact that you walked away is whats most important.

Dior- I second what everyone else has said you truelly are a very beautiful woman from the inside to the out. It is such a shame that whatever insecurities or issues that your dh has he is projecting (sp) them on to you.

Baffy- So glad all is well with lo. Babies make me go all gooey! As for the annoying insect that wont buzz off its sounds like h is finally standing up to her and making the right moves. As for dropping the baby off its great you turned it around to your advantage but she really is off the planet isnt she? If this poor innocent child does prove to be dh's i think you need to keep copies of any texts/letters and record in abook any other stunts madam freak pulls just incase dh every feels he needs to go to court over custody issues never mind access. but i do think she is a tad worried re paternity tests. As from what we have heard in the past she was hardly well behaved where the opposite sex was concerned and may not be 100% sure dh is the father.

Lady lush- Good to hear your lo is doing well. Summer babies

Tanee-ginny-lilybubble-tfm- hello

Im so sorry i was absent for so long then re appeared just to dump my problems then disappeared again. There is no update on whats happened to dd. Have left messages for officer but still no callback. I appreciate there extremely busy but not only would i like to know they are actually doing something and that no other girls are being targeted as we speak but id like to know dd isnt suddenly going to get called upon for an interview. she seems to be moving on nicely. Tbh i dont think she really grasped what it was all about. she jsut knew she didnt like what was being said to her.

I havent been about lately due to poor health. Im on hormone implants called zoladex for my endometriosis and its not fun. I get the symptoms of the menopause. constant nausea and i can being fine one minute angry as hell the next and can burst in to a sobbing wreck for no reason at all. and im told my periods may never return which is one thing i actually wouldnt mind in the least.

So i havent felt up to giving advice for a long time. And your all so strong and what ever life throws at you muster on and i felt just a little pathetic so i didnt post. I havent even lurked! Only knew about the meet cos of emails.

But couldnt stay away wanted to know that the babies were doing ok and everyone else was happy.

Kids are back tomorrow thankfully they have been monsters all holidays and im exhausted.

xx

Tanee - happy bday to your dd I could have a 17 yr old dc (if it makes you feel any better) except that I chickened out of having kids until I was 32 So now I feel really old as I am having a baby at 37! Your love for dp comes across in so many of your posts. He really is a very lucky man One day he might acknowledge this

Sugarpear - good to hear from you. Glad your dd is ok and has moved on. Sorry to hear your health has been poor Endometriosis is horrible. I think one of my friends may have it, but she hasn't received a diagnosis yet. I can't speak for the others but sometimes people appear strong when they're not really. A lot of people think I am very strong and sorted, but a lot of the time it's a bluff. I wing it a lot of the time So don't think you can't come on here unless you feel really together/sorted. It's perfectly ok to come on and rant/off load Yes, am looking forward to another summer baby Ds was born end June so I have one early summer, and will have one that's late summer. It means a year later starting school but I felt ds was too young when he started so I don't really mind. It's just the nursery expense that's the problem.

Would value your opinions........
dh emailed me earlier (sent some pics) and asked me if I would mind if he went to an ex colleagues birthday do (or it could be leaving do - the details escaped me!). Anyway, I have no problem with the lady in question. What I am concerned about is that the OW might be there and I just feel uncomfortable about that. It's not that I think anything will happen, though of course I can't be sure about that.............it's more the thought of them socialising in the same group. How would you feel? I haven't spoken to him about it yet. I probably will tonight.

lush - dont feel bad about talking to him about it and you are allowed to feel a bit odd if she is going to be there.

My h could still go to the same functions as ow as they are in the same industry and it would make me feel uncomfortable. Like you i dont fear there is anything going on but i do worry that he would not tell me for fear of upsetting me.

Only you will be able to judge how to handle it but i would tell him how you feel and see if he can come up with a solution.

I do sometimes think men 'ask permission' knowing that you dont want to appear unreasonable .

I used to 'allow' h to do things when i didnt feel comfortable whereas now i tell him exactly how i feel and if he wants to still go ahead he knows i am not happy.

Do you think he may be doing this to you?

Hw - no I don't think he is being manipulative as I don't think he takes anything for granted iyswim. We'll see what his reaction is when I say I feel uncomfortable about it. I also kinda feel that given his past behaviour he has sort of relinquished the right to go on social events with that crowd. It is a leaving do this time but that won't be the last thing that happens. What about the next occasion - someone else's leaving do, a birthday etc.

surely he wouldnt want to go with them anyway. I know at first my h wanted to act normal and not let others know, but now i think he has been open about it and people are not stupid are they?

I am pretty sure my h would actively avoid anywhere where he thought she might be there and certainly he would not do the social conversations.

Do others in that group really know what went on?

I think what i worry about him asking is not that he is being manipulitive, but why he feels the need to ask. Does he always ask - in case there is a clash in the diary? If so you could say you have something on that night already and then find something to fill the diary (sneaky but avoids the discuissions).
My h often used to ask and it was so he could feel justified - i think he knew i would always rather he were home instead. But now he too seems to want to come home and rarely goes to social functions with work collegues unless i can go too. It can be a dangerous mix - collegues and alcohol and my h now sees the dangers and so WANTS to avoid it.

We also have some new 'rules' that i know he finds difficult - one being that he should not go to lunch with just a female collegue. Because he has always been fairly flirty he does find it hard to change that but equally understands my concerns a lot more. Not that i think he would do it again just that i want him to see the dangers and make some boundaries we BOTH feel comfortable with.