FAB & GLAM PART 9 - DOES IT GET BETTER NOW!!

[macdoodle]

Started new thread guys as needed to post and old one wouldnt let me - sorry if name is bit miserable but thats how am feeling !

The police have just left
It all went tits up tonight - H found out/suspected about NM and lost it completely - was physically abusive and took my phone - best friend called the police!
Has been a hell of a night - long statement - excellent police man - who says should have called them a long time ago - gonna get the domestic violence team to ring me tomorrow - he will be arrested and probably cautioned - he seems really worried it will escalate - has put a marker on the phone for an immediate response, has adviced me to change the locks and go away for a bit if I can, and they will look at putting an alarm in the house
There is still a part of me that feels I am over reacting/is all my fault - even though an experienced police oficer is not happy about the situation!
What a mess my life has turned into

Hw and Ginnny - that makes me feel better. At least it gives me an excuse to be lazy Enjoy the meet up and have a large glass of wine for me

Have a nice time tonight girls.

I am a bit pissed off with h at the moment. He let some controlling behaviour show in front of my friend yesterday and she was good by ignoring it and carrying on - to show him that she wasn't going to be cowed by him. BUT, later on, when we (not friend) were in the car, he had a go about the same thing. He hadn't even noticed my friend had pointedly ignored him - he was just concerned with the fact that my discussion with friend had irritated him.

We had been discussing whether we ahd arranged to meet Tues or Thurs this week and both of us were doing the whole ditzy, 'Oh, I might be wrong', 'No, it's probably me' thing. He got very stroppy at us for going on about it. She looked at me and continued the conversation until we had finalised arrangements.

As I say, in the car, he had a go at me for us being so irritating! I had a go back and asked exactly what the conversation had to do with him. I made my feelings clear, but it remained obvious that he felt he had a right to interrupt us and tell us to stop talking about it. I spent the whole of the afternoon feeling like he is getting WORSE instead of better. He couldn't see that my friend had ignored him on purpose. I sadi that he had shown himself up in front of her and he said he didn't care - we were showing ourselves up by 'arguing' about it. In fact, we were NOT getting annoyed with each other, just being women and trying to take the blame for forgetting the arranged day!

He has done other things lately too, like keep asking me when I am going back to WW. In other ways though, he is still the lovely man. I did a lot for his 40th and he seemed really touched by it all, especially as no-one else really made much of an effort.

I think that his loss of respect towards me is coinciding with me gaining weight again and that I can only expect the loving man if I am actively losing weight. Msybe I am simplifying it but it does seem to have a correlation .

It does always seem that way Dior doesn't it. He's only nice to you if you are the right weight. Seems a bit shallow of him - after all you are the same (lovely) person whatever weight you are and that's what matters.
DP despairs of the conversations I have with my Mum / friends sometimes, and I often catch him rolling his eyes when I'm on the phone, its a Mars/Venus thing I think, but I would be really pissed off if he told me to stop going on about it in front of a friend.
I actually think that he can be quite rude and unforgiving with his friends sometimes but I wouldn't intervene - its their stuff.

That's a shame dior Good for you for making a stand. Do you think there could be a link between his attitude towards you when you were with your friend and his attitude wrt your weight? Does he think both reflect on him in some way? Does he think about his image/reputation a lot?

Well, I saw the same friend today and asked her what she had thought at the time. She admitted that she was a little shocked that he had done that and that it was not the h she has seen in the past. I am kind of glad he did it now because he is so nice in public that she had commented on it when I used to moan about him to her. Now she has seen the 'real' side of him that he doesn't usually show.

Dior, I know what you mean. They put on such a good guy front that its nice sometimes when others see what they can really be like.
MacD, Lily, Tannee and HW - last night was great. I really enjoyed it. Hope you have some voice left today HW
We must do it again sometime!

HW didn't do a lot of talking now did she??? How unusual!

Still no voice - but i can whisper a lot.
I am trying to 'rest' it as best i can - so good job you were not with me on the train home last night dior .

Dior - we really must make sure we meet up soon - i am doing the race for life again this year with the party following if you able to come again it would be great. Anyone else who is close can come too of course.

It really was lovely to meet up last night and finally get to know MCD a bit better. Lets not leave it too long before we do it again.

Hi girls, Ladylush, hope ds's ringworm gets better soon. DD had it on her thigh when she was about 5 - and it took ages to ages. exMIL was convinced it was the most dreadful thing on earth, probably caught from some foreign peasant's child in school(she is SUCH a snob, and she's just an 88 year old Chav at heart) - oh no, that comment makes ME a snob !

Dior, I ALMOST laughed at H's behaviour - glad your friend saw this example, just to balance her old view of him. But how annoying. After all, you were only doing what we all do with friends - take the blame for confusions - it's what friends DO! You friend sounds very sensible to have just ignored him and carried on. Sorry to hear he is reverting because you are putting on weight. It IS shallow - your weight is nothing to do with your personality. Mind you, DP made a comment last week when I asked him to take a photo of me in the Mesquite, and then asked him to take another because the first photo made me look fat. 'You'd look less fat if you ate fewer pies and crisps'! I THINK he meant it humourously - I'd taken three pasties with me for the flight out - and he was very grateful to share them, I have to add and I DID get slightly addicted to a brand of Spanish crisps fried in olive oil!

McD, HW, Lilyb & Ginnny, it was great to see you on Tuesday. Thank you so much, McD, for being the catalyst. I haven't laughed so much in ages and believe me, I've needed to laugh! HW, hope your voice is feeling better - you sounded very sexy whispering . Ginnny, you were looking very good - I like your new hair. McD, I will certainly look you up next time we come your way.

When I got home D was in a more conversational mood than he's been for days, so I described our evening and he seemed very impressed that we've formed some real friendships through MN. He's gradually coming out of the slump he suffered after getting back from holiday, but I'm letting him take his time about it and not running around after him. He actually made his bed this morning, after a week of sleeping in a turmoil of sheets and I'm leaving all his washing up for him to do. I'm also rather enjoying sleeping in the spare room. I am turning into TimeforMe . I shall start treating him like my partner again, when he starts behaving like it, and not like someone who just happens to live in the same house!

Ladylush, I meant 'ages to clear' about the ringworm. My computer has never been the same since DP 'dropped' it!

Lilybubble, just wanted to say thanks so much for offering to be a fallback for DD. Her father has offered to try to find something also, (makes a change!) but if that doesn't come off she will def be in touch. Oh, and I have a lovely photo of you and your gorgeous DD. I am such a duffer about computers I shall have to ask DD how to load them, but they will be on FB soon.

Hi Tannee - nothing wrong with pasties and crisps, especially when you are on holiday. Good to hear your dp is coming out of his gloom. You are handling him just right. TFM will be proud of you!
at your spare room. I had NO sleep after I got home on Tuesday. DP was snoring like a train then ds2 had a nightmare, then a nosebleed. Finally I decamped to the sofa about 4 o'clock which upset the cat and he spent the rest of the night trying to bite my feet and jumping all over me.
I'll try and put my pics on FB later, although I think we all have versions of the same photos anyway (except for the strategically placed wine bottle in mine )

Ginnny, that winebottle was no accident lol !

LOL at your cat! Mine are loving being able to sleep on my bed with me for the first time in two years! Only problem is one of them likes to walk all over my head at dawn, purring and bunting me!

Oh, Oh, the postman has just been and delivered a mysterious letter for DD - it's a signed photo of Noel Fielding. She is SOOO happy. He was one of the people I asked to sign a birthday card for her 16th last year, but his PA returned the card saying he was on tour and never in the office. But she's obviously kept DD on file and sent out a photo in time for this year's birthday. Now THAT's a good PA! Little thankyou note on its way to her, I think . DD is texting all her friends and crowing with delight!

Glad all had a good time on Tuesday night

Tanee - lovely surprise for dd

I've had a headache past few days which is most annoying esp. as it's not alcohol induced Anyone been to Gaucho in West End? Met dh there for lunch yesterday. Had a lovely meal. Would like to go back in the evening some time.

Baffy - how's it going? Remind me when you're due - is it July?

Dior - how are you? How are things with h?

Hope everyone else is ok.

Hi, I'm ok thanks LL. Things are drifting along - we talk but that is it. Affection has died. No cuddles and I refuse to ask for one.

Dior - oh no. That's how I've felt the last couple of days - wondering where the affection has gone in a house where we just seem to be co-existing. But at least you are talking. You said he was pleased at the fuss you made for his birthday - so is this present situation just fallout from his feelings over you and your friend? Is it worth talking to him about the weight thing again?

Oh, I so want to shake your H! Do none of these men realise how lucky they are to have us in their lives? HW and I have just been on a really sad thread of a man who's suffering from an unfaithful wife. There seems to be such a mismatch of wants and desires in this world.

Dior I agree with everything Tanee said - so I won't try and think of anything intelligent to say When dh and I went for counselling, one of the questions they asked us both is "where do you go for strokes?". I didn't get the question at first - they meant where do you go for comfort/ego massage. In dh's case it was me (pre affair), but I find it hard to approach anyone as I feel it makes me seem vulnerable. Though I do have many more friends than dh. I was just wondering if you have any good friends in whom you can confide other than those you know from this thread. With an emotionally cold h I think you really could do with some TLC and support. Meanwhile here's a virtual hug and a huge glass of wine

Oh yes, I have quite a few RL friends, and DO talk to them but it is a bit like a cracked record. I have put off posting on here even because it kind of feels like failure. I don't blame him for not fancying my body but I do wonder if he doesn't just get urges. He has said in the past that he doesn't want to use me for sex if he doesn't want me too, but sometimes being used for sex at least means you are bloody well getting some!

Tanee - after his birthday, he really appreciated my efforts. I could tell this was the case because he did get a bit nicer and called me 'darling' once. Other than that, we have been spending evenings apart. He has mentioned WW a couple of times and asked when I intend to go back (next Tues FWIW).

I DO look fat, I know it - well, chunky anyway. I really DON'T blame him for not fancying me. However, I saw my Barber a couple of weeks ago and he was mildly flirting with me, so I can't look TOO hideous.

Dior - I kind of meant close friends (much harder to come by) - but from your answer it seems you do. Yes, I can identify with what you say re. not wanting to appear a failure. I'm sure you still look great whatever your h may think. It's a shame he can't appreciate you whether you are chunky or not

Yes, I do have several fairly close friends that I can talk to - I am very lucky. Not a best friend per se, but I am not an 'exclusive' person anyway. I seem to be hiding from my friends at the moment and think I might be heading downwards into the depression spiral again .

I post on here because it is somewhere where a few people know my story and have travelled with me over the last couple of years. I don't need to explain any back story to them and they give me an unbiased view - whereas my friends tend to get angry for me, which is not what I really need.

BTW, has anyone seen Baffy lately?

Dior - you look lovely - always have. Most people really dont notice the weight as much as you do (but i feel the same sometimes too).

Lets make that lunch date and i will listen to your broken record again if you like .

You know when you feel you life is going to become less complicated and sorted for a while - well i felt a bit like that the past couple of days. A few stresses had been sorted and i felt that when the children got back to school i would have time to sort out the house ect.

Well - last night i had a car crash and wrecked DH car . No-one else involved and no-one hurt. I just lost conrol of the car in the rain and was obviously going too fast (although not above speed limit - just too fast for the horrid conditions). I was in fact very lucky - after the intial rude words i got out of the car without a scratch. Car will be a right-off though . Police were called and they are not going to take it any further as it really was just an accident.

Dh is being fantastic about it though - its only a piece of metal - just keep having awful thoughts about how bad it could have been - i am going to try and drive again today to prove i am ok. Just need to go through it all again with insurance - more hasstle i expect and more expense too.

HW - Thank God you were OK. Hold on to that thought and don't dwell on the 'what ifs'. Glad your DH is being so supportive, just what you need. Good luck with the 'first drive', you need to get back in the car as quick as poss or it will freak you out.
Dior . You aren't a failure. God knows you have tried so hard to make your marriage work, but if he isn't willing to make more effort then how far can you go? OK he might have a lower libido than you but I hate the way he links it to your weight and makes you feel so awful. I know we only hear one side on here but he really doesn't seem to be putting as much effort in as you do and its heartbreaking.
You don't have to be a size 0 to be attractive and you are stunning. He's a fool not to see that and from the sound of it the sexy barber agrees with me!!
A very un-Mumsnetty ((((((((hug))))))) coming your way from me.

HW Noooo! Thank goodness you're ok! Never mind the car - as DH says, it's only a piece of metal and the important thing is that you are unhurt. It must have been a shock though! Is it really a complete write off or could you buy it back, get it repaired and buy something nice with the insurance money (that's how I got my new cooker! )?

It IS strange - and annoying - how sometimes things seem to be getting back into balance, and then something comes along to upset it all again. Hope you're getting over it.

Dior, as I said before, I would so like to shake your H - he seems to have forgotten how close he came to losing you last year. If he genuinely cannot respond to you because of your weight, he should have released you for someone who would (glad the Barber is still flirting - flirting is good for the ego ). I know what you mean about wondering if they don't get urges - honestly, I think the traditional assumption that men have a continuous high libido and we don't, is rubbish! Or maybe we've just got lumbered with men who have violently fluctuating libidos. It WOULD be nice to be 'used' sometimes !

OK, Dior and HW - when are we going to have that lunch?

Baffy, where/how are you?

Oh no HW I hope you?re ok? At least you weren?t physically hurt, like you say, it?s just a piece of metal. I?m glad your dh is being supportive. After all, you didn?t mean to crash! And as long as you are safe that?s what matters, material possessions mean nothing at the end of the day.

Hello everyone else, sorry not been around for a while. I still don?t have the internet at home, and it is year end at work, so all in all I just about fit in ds/work/ds/sleep and that?s my days at the moment!

Am very at your meet-up. I would have loved to come. I?m due on the 10th July so obviously then off for the summer, so maybe we can arrange another one around then and I can travel down without worrying about booking time off work. Would love to see you all.

I?m doing ok. Bump feels really big this time, although I don?t think I?m putting too much weight on everywhere else Well, not since I?ve stopped the chocolate ?craving? and replaced it with a cereal one! I?m not sure I?ve ever really had a real craving but it?s a nice excuse. Especially with all of the easter eggs in the house

Trying to avoid coming on and posting about me tbh because it?s a big complicated mess and as I?ve been saying for a while I can?t get my own head around it so I don?t expect anyone else to!
H and I have been getting closer for a while and he has consistently been putting me and ds above everything else for months now. In some ways his support has been great as I do work long hours and I won?t pretend that I don?t have days where I just cry my eyes out in the shower or in the car on the way to work because I?m so mentally and physically exhausted with everything. Ds is an angel, but he?s a 3 year old little boy too! Enough said!

I feel that a lot of my time has been taken up with supporting h too. OW is completely nuts and playing games already and it?s affecting him badly. She won?t agree to putting him on the birth certificate, won?t agree to set times for access, but has contacted the CSA to force him to pay her maintenance. He?s putting money aside anyway as he never once said he wouldn?t give her money for his child, but he wants some rights himself. She said if he tries for a paternity test or applies to the family court for formal access (incidentally this is what the CSA advised him to do) then her father will get the ?best solicitor money can buy? to ensure he never ever sees the child again?

It?s all mind games. I?m not sure how a solicitor could prove that he shouldn?t see the child when despite being a questionable husband, he is actually an excellent dad. But it's really worrying him as he does want to be a dad to her if she's his.

OW even dropped the baby round to my house the other day when we were all home. She had a bit of a meltdown and kicked off, said she couldn?t cope, turned up, passed the baby out of the car in her car seat and drove off!!
I was actually fine with it. Tbh, it allowed me to let ds meet her on my terms. I even had a little cuddle with her and it helped me to see her as her own little person, very much separate from the person who calls herself her mother! So in that way I think it backfired on OW.

(Who has since said she didn?t have a meltdown, she droppped her round to give me a wake-up call?! Wtf?! Like I don?t know she exists and like I don?t support h in putting money aside for this child and in his constant battles for access and the right to know if he?s really her dad!!!)

Arghhh! I digress. I would be here forever if I carry on. In a nutshell, I?m doing ok, but it?s all so so hard. I'm not sure I should even be worrying about supporting H right now, but I can't help myself.
My hormones are all over the place. I have no idea how long I can have off work, it literally depends on how much I can save between now and July! I can see a light at the end of the tunnel with H, but also a massive cloud hanging right over that in the form of this lunatic who will be in his life forever?.
Roll on the summer and this new little one, that?s all I can say!

Dior I?m so sorry you?re still going through all this. I?m not sure he will ever change will he. He says he will try, but it always always comes back to your weight. Do you think that when you are the weight you want to be, you will have any respect left for him? By that stage, if he suddenly wants to jump into bed at every opportunity, I imagine you may get to a point where you tell him to get lost!!

I think a massive part of the problem is that you don?t like yourself the way you are at the moment. You see a very different person to the rest of us, because you are absolutely beautiful. But when you have no confidence in yourself, it?s impossible to deal with his negativity. Rather than make you stronger and help you fight, it just drags you down further because it?s adding pressure to the immense pressure you?re already putting on yourself.

I?m not sure what the solution is here. Working towards the goals that you set for yourself and make you happy is the key. But whether or not he will have a place in your life once you reach that stage is a very high risk that I just don?t think he appreciates. He will be one lucky man if you do decide he is still worth the effort. {{{hugs}}}