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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

FAB & GLAM PART 9 - DOES IT GET BETTER NOW!!

1000 replies

macdoodle · 22/01/2009 01:24

Started new thread guys as needed to post and old one wouldnt let me - sorry if name is bit miserable but thats how am feeling !

The police have just left
It all went tits up tonight - H found out/suspected about NM and lost it completely - was physically abusive and took my phone - best friend called the police!
Has been a hell of a night - long statement - excellent police man - who says should have called them a long time ago - gonna get the domestic violence team to ring me tomorrow - he will be arrested and probably cautioned - he seems really worried it will escalate - has put a marker on the phone for an immediate response, has adviced me to change the locks and go away for a bit if I can, and they will look at putting an alarm in the house
There is still a part of me that feels I am over reacting/is all my fault - even though an experienced police oficer is not happy about the situation!
What a mess my life has turned into

OP posts:
Original poster
macdoodle · 24/03/2009 12:16

Hi all sorry not been around STBXH is determied to make life as diffucult as possible and is hurting my poor DD1 in the process - he just doesnt seem to care what he does as long as he continues to punish me for daring to move on
Things with NM are fab though he is really turning into a star and even DD1 likes him but with STBXH messing with her head and pulling on her loyalty it is really hard!!!

The week before Easter would be GREAT to meet up - I will be near London from the Wed probably - I will FB everyone and Baffy I will text I promise - I missed the last one because DD2 was ill in ICU a year ago now seems hard to believe !!

I hope everyone is ok - HW you DO know that your feelings are legitimate and reasonable and just because they upset H is not a reason to hide them xx

OP posts:
Tanee58 · 24/03/2009 14:39

I will be returning from Seville on Thursday, so Good Friday is the earliest I could manage.

McD, sorry SBTXH is being such an arse. What he does not realise is that DD1 will get wise to him as she gets older, and she will not thank him for it. He'll lose her...
Glad NM is proving such a star !

HappyWoman · 24/03/2009 16:05

Thanks McD. Yes i do know that i do not have to hide my feelings (somethink i think i was guilty of for a very long time).
I think too that i am no longer afraid of being on my own (and if i am honest i think that was a huge factor in my behaviour).

He is being very selfish over this and says things like 'its all we ever seem to talk about' This is absolutly not true. We have some friends who have gone through similar and they were here at the weekend so it may have touched a nerve with him. But that is his problem not mine.

He seems to want it all to be forgoten forever (as do i) and he is constantly asking for my forgiveness and if i am a bit down 'blaming' himself for it.
And because the world no longer revolves around him and how is feeling he is not likeing it. iyswim.
I am beginning to wonder if he needs me to need him, for him to be happy - I am sure there is some word for it.

Original poster
macdoodle · 24/03/2009 16:36

co-dependant

OP posts:
HappyWoman · 24/03/2009 17:06

I thought that was it but wansnt sure if that meant that we both needed to be needed iyswim.

I think he should look into it a bit more - but also dont want to open up a can of worms He had a very odd upbringing and i am sure a lot of his 'problems' wrt to respect could have come from then. Do you think his mums death could have made him worse? It appears to have not affected him - he is willing to talk about it - had a little sad time on mothers day.

HappyWoman · 24/03/2009 17:11

Would a co-depandant have control issues too?

I know he can be quite controlling at times - and again as i am now able to recognise them i can avoid them to some extent.

He was brought up as an only child - and so used to getting his own way - something we often joked about. He does appear to be very generous outwardly - but i do wonder if when it really came to the crunch he would be iyswim - whilst everything is going HIS way he can afford to be seen as the loving generous one cant he?

Pointless overthinking it too - as he would have a discussion and agree with me and then do whatever he bloody well pleases anyway.

Dior · 24/03/2009 17:34

HI, just popping in to say meet-up would be grand. I would have ds though.

ladylush · 24/03/2009 18:50

What were you ladies thinking of doing re. meet up? I don't know if I can come yet because we have been totally disorganised and haven't planned when we'll be seeing family etc. this Easter.

I'm fine Baffy thanks Don't seem to have yet reached the stage where I am full of energy but wonder if it ever comes when you have a cheeky little monkey to look after and work full-time

HW - it's his issue and he needs to deal with it. His perspective is warped - because it is such a traumatic topic for him he tends to distort things so he makes out you talk about it all of the time when in fact it is only some of the time. I think my h feels equally horrified whenever it comes up in conversation but tbh I don't really care. It needs to be talked about sometimes. I've been having a few bad dreams lately and in some of them he's been unfaithful. That's pregnancy for you - always get terrible dreams.

lilybubble · 24/03/2009 20:16

I'm up for a meet too, would be great!

Baffy · 25/03/2009 12:01

LL glad you?re ok I know what you mean about the dreams. That happened to me last time too. I have them almost every other night. Quite a few about H and OW too. They?re horrible aren?t they.
I don?t think the energy does come when you have a lo to look after too But I definitely feel a lot better these last few weeks. I?m still tired. But do seem to have the energy to do what I need without too much effort iyswim, in the early days everything seemed to be a struggle!

The meetup is looking promising then isn?t it me, lilybubble, ladylush, HW, Tanee, Macd, Dior, lilyloo? I could text PC and see if she fancies it.
Would Good Friday be an option for everyone?

I?m happy to travel down to London, but if there is somewhere we could meet that?s easy to drive to then that would be great. I?d probably travel down on the Thursday night, meet up Friday day, then head back up home straight from there on the Friday. Big shopping centres that are accessible, easy to drive to and park would be great

I don?t ask for much do I!

Original poster
macdoodle · 25/03/2009 14:33

ok then will FB everyone as well but what about good Friday somewhere out of London?? Only really know places around about my sister which is were we tend to head for - how about a child friendly day?? Somewhere like Woburn Abbey or Whipsnade, or my sister mentioned Knebworth has a big kids play area ??? Dont want make any definite plans on here as too open for stalkers will Fb later

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Tanee58 · 25/03/2009 17:26

I love all those places - fab house at Woburn, Knebworth does have a great play area (and a lovely crumbly house). Haven't been to any of those places since DD was much younger - family trips with exH. And Good Friday is ok with me.

Lilyloo · 25/03/2009 20:26

Evening all would love to do the meet up but 4 hours +drive is just too far for me with the kids.
They just about managed the two hour drive to Birmingham for my last meet up without throttling one another

Tannee at the hol!!

LL ooh flutters how lovely

ladylush · 25/03/2009 21:15

Not sure about Good Friday but if I can't make this meet up then hopefully will make the next one by which time I may be bumpless and able to drink What about Westfield shopping centre? Went last weekend. Was quite impressed. Lots of nice restaurants. Parking is easy. I think there will be a creche opening there but not sure when - and a SPA! So we could put the little darlings in the creche and skip to the SPA Maybe a future destination if not an Easter one?

Baffy - sorry to hear you're having those awful dreams too I've been feeling so emotional this pregnancy. Not used to it and don't like it. Wasn't like this with ds. I sobbed like a baby watching Mistresses last night Are you getting big now? My tummy has suddenly expanded over the past week or so and I can barely hide it now.

Dior · 25/03/2009 22:37

Prob can't do Good Friday, sorry. H will be off and will moan if I disappear.

Original poster
macdoodle · 25/03/2009 22:39

Would the Thur before Good Friday be better for everyone - it would impinge less on family time ??

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Dior · 25/03/2009 22:49

Not for me as I am having a friend's daughter while she works. Sorry

HappyWoman · 26/03/2009 06:35

Sorry mcd - good friday not good for me either. And i am working on the thursday that week.

Baffy · 26/03/2009 11:13

Oh no, it's not looking good

We can't do any earlier than the Thursday can we as Tanee isn't back. But if HW and Dior can't do Thurs or Friday, then we can't pick either of those.

Unless you bring H with you Dior? My H is on about driving me down (aside from the car disaster last time, I am getting quite big and tired now) so we could leave them at a bar or something

Oh no, just seen Good Friday not good for HW.

Maybe this one isn't meant to be then...

Lilyloo maybe we need to pick somewhere in the middle in the summer so that you can come too. Or I can lend you ds's dvd player and various car games!! I think it would take me about 5 hours to get down but I love travelling anyway and ds is the same. I think we're mad

Baffy · 26/03/2009 11:14

Woburn Abbey, Whipsnade, and Knebworth all sound great though!

Tanee58 · 27/03/2009 11:42

Bums. This reminds me of when I was left doing the parliamentary diary at work. It drove me made trying to get everyone together at the right time and convinced me that I don't want to be a diary secretary!

So - is the meetup off then Can anyone meet up later in the hols? Dior? HW?

Tanee58 · 27/03/2009 11:43

And why is it so bloomin COLD?

Original poster
macdoodle · 27/03/2009 12:53

no no not off I am still up for it - Knebworth Good Friday I will be there with 2 DD's in tow and maybe sis as well - anyone who can make it I am the loon with 2 loony daughters
Am def up for an eve meet Baffy if you can come down maybe we could do Pizza Express or something with the children Thur night??

OP posts:
ginnny · 27/03/2009 19:31

Mac I could come up to town on the Thursday night as long as it wasn't too late as I'd have to catch the train back.

Original poster
macdoodle · 29/03/2009 12:11

Ok have posted some details on FB where and when I plan to do what and my mobile for those that havent got it - hope to catch up with at least a few of you with or without DC

OP posts:
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