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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

FAB & GLAM PART 9 - DOES IT GET BETTER NOW!!

1000 replies

macdoodle · 22/01/2009 01:24

Started new thread guys as needed to post and old one wouldnt let me - sorry if name is bit miserable but thats how am feeling !

The police have just left
It all went tits up tonight - H found out/suspected about NM and lost it completely - was physically abusive and took my phone - best friend called the police!
Has been a hell of a night - long statement - excellent police man - who says should have called them a long time ago - gonna get the domestic violence team to ring me tomorrow - he will be arrested and probably cautioned - he seems really worried it will escalate - has put a marker on the phone for an immediate response, has adviced me to change the locks and go away for a bit if I can, and they will look at putting an alarm in the house
There is still a part of me that feels I am over reacting/is all my fault - even though an experienced police oficer is not happy about the situation!
What a mess my life has turned into

OP posts:
ladylush · 18/03/2009 19:19

er I meant baffy

lilybubble · 18/03/2009 19:58

Blimey! I can't believe how much seems to be going on!! Although I guess I shouldn't be surprised, eh!?!

Baffy, you are pregnant???! Wow, how fantastic, congratulations!! THat's such exciting news, i am so pleased for you. Sorry to hear that ow is being her usual complete nutter self though, it sounds awful. Is h back living with you? Sorry to ask, but I have missed a lot... Have you heard from Ernest?? Haven't seen her on here, and don't know what's going on with her.

Ginny, sorry about dp's mum, and don't worry, of course it's totally understandable to think about how it will affect you, that's natural anyway, and completely understandable.

Right, dd having a meltdown, I have to go! Hopefully back later....

HappyWoman · 19/03/2009 06:53

dior its not woman trouble i am fearful of - i know i cant control him and if he really is so stupid to do it again then we both know it would be the end - and i really dont think he wants that.

Its just that i was hoping this would feel like a new start - and it just feels the same he calls the shots as to how much time he spends at work ect. I know he has to still go to work but i hate it when he stays over - i thought it was just because of the fear of him straying but actually i think it because after all this i want a 'normal' routine with him coming home everynight and helping to put the dc to bed ....

But then if i did get my wish maybe i would hate that too.

I feel as if i have to put up and shut up iyswim - i want more control and routine in my life - so i can treat myself more, but then maybe i need to put my children up for adoption.

I think hormones are playing a big part too - went for my check-up last week and the consultant did think the menopause is looming and said i could give HRT a go.

I do also know i need to take more time for myself - but here is where i clash with h - his hours are long and i just feel that he could do more of his 'share'. I feel very low down in the food chain.

Well on a brighter note -having coffee with a friend today - so can have a good moan to her to clear the air.

Baffy · 19/03/2009 13:10

lilybubble thank you I can't wait for the new arrival!

I have bought my own place now and am living alone with ds, although h is there a lot and more than likely will be living there a bit more permanently soon. I need the help, financially, practically, and emotionally. Otherwise I think I'll lose the plot completely!

I'd also like to have more than 2 weeks off when the lo is born, and without H's help, thats looking absolutely impossible

Random question guys - am slightly out of touch with living at my mum's so long and just giving her a pot of money so she could sort all the bills. In the 5/6weeks or whatever it is since I got the keys to the house, scottish power sent an estimated bill of £249!
I didn't want to just pay it, bearing in mind that when I had my old house I used to pay about £50 a month for both! So I took the actual meter readings so they could calculate the actual bill.... £209!!!

I budgeted around £100 a month for both in this place as I know prices have gone up, but have they really gone up by that much or does that seem rediculous to you?!
I know it's a big house. But even so, £200 a month for gas and electricity

If it seems like a fair enough price then I will put up and shut up! I have no idea anymore!

HappyWoman · 19/03/2009 13:19

sorry baffy - yes sounds about right to me. But depends on how much you use - do you cook/heat by electric?

Do make sure you make regular checks on the meter though as we did have one that went wrong once.

If you want a shock you should have seen the one i got just after xmas - and we werent even here for xmas.

Look out for other bills too - insurance premiums seem to have crept up or otherwise the cover is pretty non-exsitent!!

Baffy · 19/03/2009 13:23

really HW?!

yes the cooker and hob is electric. water is on one of those combi-boiler thingies so every time I turn the hot tap on now I wince at the cost of the gas to heat the water for that bath/shower/sink full of dishes

omg! I think I need to re-visit the budget quick smart!

HappyWoman · 19/03/2009 13:33

Baffy dont panic too much - we are a big family and really not very enviro friendly - with so much washing i use a tumble-dryer most of the time. Also cook with electricity.

You can cut down the cooking bill and in summer i use the george forman grill which does make the bills lower too.

It is boring though having to always think about the price.

ladylush · 19/03/2009 17:56

I don't think our bills are that high but will ask h. We have an energy reader thingy at the moment on loan from h's work. H has become a bit obsessed with it and goes around the house turning lights off and cursing the person who left them on.

HW - glad you are meeting someone for a coffed and chat. I understand you resenting the time h is away from home. I don't think I'd like it one bit if h had to stay away for the night due to work and I would resent him not being here in the evening.

ladylush · 19/03/2009 17:58

coffed? Oh I give up. Pregnancy brain. Can't think, can't spell

HappyWoman · 20/03/2009 06:55

its not resentment as such - the logical brain knows it is the best option - better than a tired grumpy h EVERY night.

I think it is to do with not feeling in control of my life. When we moved it was going to be a fresh start with my new life - a blank sheet - but we seem to have got back into the old routine. Thats not a bad thing just i think i want to be able to change things iyswim.
The difference from before is i feel more able to voice that i do not like it - but this is where h sees me as not being happy.
As far as he is concerned we have both to accept that this is what we want and stop trying to find fault (me moaning).

But feeling better again now - probably because it is nearly the weekend..

Dior · 20/03/2009 09:33

HW - I think this stage is normal. Try not to put yourself under pressure.

ginnny · 20/03/2009 09:55

Baffy my gas and electricity bills are usually about £150 a month in the winter and I live in a titchy little shoe box so that's probably not far off.
I'm looking forward to the summer when I can turn the heating off altogether and save a fortune.
I'm feeling great at the moment - I have come off the pill after years and years and changed to the coil (the non hormone one) and I just can't believe the difference in me. I never would have thought the pill affected my moods so much but it really did. And the sunny weather helps too of course.
DP is wondering what I'm after or what I've been up to, I'm so different

Baffy · 20/03/2009 13:40

Great news ginny

ladylush · 20/03/2009 17:46

That's good ginnny I haven't taken the pill for years but might go for coil after this lo born.

HW - glad your mood has lifted I think you're right to voice your discontent. Better that than to simmer under the surface. Voicing your concerns doesn't mean you're miserable. Maybe you doing that makes him miserable though? I know h feels quite helpless when I say I'm not satisfied with the way things are. If there isn't a practical solution to the problem he's not sure how to tackle it. That's men for you.

Looking forward to the weekend. I'm off Monday as well Hope everyone has a good weekend.

MacD - how are things?

WilyWombat · 20/03/2009 19:18

God Ginny I wish I could find something to improve my moods...just decided i'm morphing into a tempermental bitch. Im guessing it could be my age (or so my Mum keeps joking!)

Lilyloo · 20/03/2009 20:20

Evening all rl has taken over for past week so been away from mn!

Decorating mostly so pretty boring but moved the girls into bigger room and ds into small one!
Got the bug now though so working my way through the house followed by lot's of mucky fingers

McD you should be very proud. I cannot believe the change in your posts. Lot's of [smiles] instead of and [anger]. Well done you.

Ginny glad things are looking up so much for you. Are you still off the smoking too ?
Sorry to hear about dp mum!

Lilybubble great to hear from you and fab that you are doing so well

Baffy sorry to hear things still so tough. I guess the hormones dont help. But it is just going to take time. Her comments about her and her dd are laughable tbh. How can she even begin to comprehend what she has put you through ?
Our gas and elec bill is £150 pm!

LL guess the pg still going well. You feeling any flutters yet ?

HW glad your mood seems to be lifting a little. I have always thought it fab that you can talk so well with dh.

WW take it F and G got mentioned on the thread ? Missed that one ...

Tannee hows things for you ?

TFM if you lurking come back for a chat ???

PC if you are hope things are ok for you. Any improvements with Nick ?

Sorry if missed anyone.

Right off to choose some wallpaper from my samples..

ladylush · 21/03/2009 08:29

LL - you doing the wallpapering yourself? Very impressed. I don't mind painting but I'm not confident wallpapering. Our hallway badly needs painting. Dh started it but that's all he did Still, will look better when it's eventually done.
Re flutters - think I've been feeling movements but they don't feel like flutters really. They feel more like a squishing sensation underneath my tummy or sometimes a bit like a slow spin in a wash cycle Quite weird - and I suppose it could be wind I listened to the hb this morning. It's very reassuring. So glad I got the doppler because I won't be seen by m/w til I'm 16/17 weeks and it's a long time to go from 13 weeks to 17 without any monitoring (when you're worried). Anyway, happy DIYing. I'm sure it will look lovely

HappyWoman · 22/03/2009 16:47

lush you are right me voicing my opinions does make him feel miserable - but that is not reason for me to stop.
I think for too many years i held back in case it would 'upset' h.
What i will not put up with now is the same feelings as before. I realise there has to be a period of ajustment and i am hoping this is only one of those times.

I have a lot of stresses at the moment too and so i think this has added to it all.

Hoping to book a holiday soon so that should give us all something to look forward to.

ladylush · 22/03/2009 19:26

HW - I quite agree with you.

Tanee58 · 23/03/2009 14:29

Hi ladies, just a quickie (these are the only quickies I get these days ) - we are losing two interns this week and the work is piling up again just as I am about to go off on hols - Seville for 10 days whoopee!)

McD and HW - I am around over Easter, so if you are meeting up, count me in! Dior, would you be free? Anyone else?

ladylush · 23/03/2009 16:20

Ooh Seville - how lovely Hope you have a fab holiday Tanee

ginnny · 23/03/2009 20:55

Lucky you Tannee. Have a great time. Can you bring some sun back with you as I think we've run out here.
I could be around over Easter, depending on what day you are meeting.

Tanee58 · 24/03/2009 08:53

It would be great to see you as well Ginnny. .

HW, I do know what you mean about feeling out of control. That's SO important to one's wellbeing. I felt like that through much of my marriage, that I was a great wife and mother but I didn't feel like ME. When things are difficult with DP now, I think what bugs me most, again, is feeling that I don't know what's going on - and losing a handle on my life sucks!

Incidentally, if you do try HRT, one of my close friends who had an hysterectomy in her mid 30s, recommended the patches. They transformed her life! (I went through a mini menopause when I had chemo, then had to go through it all again, but in milder form, 10 years later & seem to be ok so far).

Baffy, sorry to say your bills could be right. DP keeps complaining about ours too, and in my old flat I only paid about £50 a month, but now it's more like £150, and that's with most of our bulbs changed to energy saving, turning off lights and standbys etc. We cook with elect., no tumble drier but I do use the dishwasher a few times a week and the elect comes to about £50 - but the heating etc is a new combiboiler and boy, it's expensive! I set up a DD for £100 a month for gas, and that seems to work out about right . We have a small Victorian house, but being an old one, it is less 'green' than a newbuild, no cavity walls, no double glazing, etc. And I can't bear being cold so the heating HAS to be on when I'm home! I've changed suppliers about 3 times since we moved but the price rises seem to follow me!

Baffy · 24/03/2009 12:11

Thanks for all the advice on heating bills everyone!

It does seem to be about right doesn't it. That bill covered 6 weeks, so I'm working on about £50 elec and £100 gas per month from now on... we'll see!

Let me know when the meet-up is over Easter. I am off in the week before Easter (6th-10th) so if it's that week I would love to come down and see you all.

The Thursday 9th or Good Friday would be great for me.

I'm not on Facebook much these days so if you do set a date please text me!

LL how are you?

Baffy · 24/03/2009 12:12

Seville

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