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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

FAB & GLAM PART 9 - DOES IT GET BETTER NOW!!

1000 replies

macdoodle · 22/01/2009 01:24

Started new thread guys as needed to post and old one wouldnt let me - sorry if name is bit miserable but thats how am feeling !

The police have just left
It all went tits up tonight - H found out/suspected about NM and lost it completely - was physically abusive and took my phone - best friend called the police!
Has been a hell of a night - long statement - excellent police man - who says should have called them a long time ago - gonna get the domestic violence team to ring me tomorrow - he will be arrested and probably cautioned - he seems really worried it will escalate - has put a marker on the phone for an immediate response, has adviced me to change the locks and go away for a bit if I can, and they will look at putting an alarm in the house
There is still a part of me that feels I am over reacting/is all my fault - even though an experienced police oficer is not happy about the situation!
What a mess my life has turned into

OP posts:
Tanee58 · 17/03/2009 15:00

Ginnny, so sorry to hear about DP's mother. I really hope it doesn't set him back. Would you be able to head him off away from the bottle, do you think?

McD & co, after reading your posts I had a look at That Thread - but decided life's too short... Boy, some people don't have a sense of proportion and they get so personal and nasty! Nice to retreat back here to people who are not judgemental.

HappyWoman · 17/03/2009 15:15

Tanee thats because we apparently all agree with each other.

WilyWombat · 17/03/2009 17:52

What a sad bunch of sycophants we are

The thing is F & Gs have been on both sides of the fence some have been the OW too havent they, it isnt just a club for "wronged wives" but we all take responsibility for our actions, acknowledge the effect our behaviour has on other people and dont behave as though we live in a vacuum where what WE want is all that matters.

Interesting that someone has taken my "socially inept" as a personal insult when when it wasnt specifically aimed at her

ladylush · 17/03/2009 18:20

How funny - thought I'd have a look WW and amused to see I got a mention. Can't possibly reply as I've left the thread
I'm pleased that I got a mention as I didn't think to mention her name

I think if I was the OP I'd probably leave the thread as well. Brick wall......

Anyway, how is everyone? Wasn't it a lovely day today This sunshine is doing me the world of good.

WilyWombat · 17/03/2009 18:32

"I didn't think to mention her name " (snort) LL you are wicked

The OP left aaaaages ago, hopefully it will die a death now.

ladylush · 17/03/2009 18:34

whatever do you mean WW

WilyWombat · 17/03/2009 18:42
Grin
HappyWoman · 17/03/2009 18:46

oh you are all so wonderful and right - isnt that what i am supposed to be saying now?.

Sunshine doing me the world of good - just hope the grass is not growing too fast. DH is a bit of a lawn man and once we are into grass cutting season we can write off one morning of the weekend.
He says he only does it to make my boarders look nice, what a sweet talker.

ladylush · 17/03/2009 18:48

How strange HW - you have boarders in your garden?

ladylush · 17/03/2009 18:49

At least he now knows that the grass isn't greener on the other side. Amen to that!

ladylush · 17/03/2009 18:50

Forgive me - it's the Irish (t)wit coming out in my blood Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone. I am celebrating with a Becks Alcohol Free lager.

WilyWombat · 17/03/2009 18:57

Oh hubbys already done his first cut and whittered on about it for ages before and after Every time we go past someone cutting their grass its "see I got it right, other people are cutting their grass now"

"yes darling"

LOL at "boarders"...are we being pedants now as well as sycophants?

Enjoy St Patricks day!

ladylush · 17/03/2009 22:44

That was in honour of you know who She who appreciates good spelling

ladylush · 17/03/2009 22:51

Tis the first Paddys Day in ages that I haven't been able to celebrate (as in properly - with alcohol) At least it's for a good reason. My parents are both of Irish stock and my dad who was raised in Ireland (to an Irish father and Spanish/German mother)moved back about 5 years ago. Very proud of my Irish heritage.......shall I start a thread cos surely that one is asking for trouble

WW lol at your dh and his lawn pride

Baffy · 18/03/2009 10:03

Wow I?ve missed lots! Lilybubble, great to hear from you. I was actually going to post the other day asking if anyone had heard from you, cashncarry, paddlechick or TFM. I always think people are probably lurking but RL has taken over

Glad you?re doing so well and H is managing to stay a big part of dd?s life. I can?t believe how far we?ve all come since those first threads, I think me, you and Ernest went through it at almost exactly the same time, and look how differently things have turned out for all 3 of us just 2 years on!

That thread sounds horrible ? I think I?m going to go and have to read it out of curiosity though!

WW I loved your comment ? ?The thing is F & Gs have been on both sides of the fence some have been the OW too havent they, it isnt just a club for "wronged wives" but we all take responsibility for our actions, acknowledge the effect our behaviour has on other people and dont behave as though we live in a vacuum where what WE want is all that matters.? Very true!

LL how are you doing?

Ginny I hope things are ok with dp. I don?t blame you at all for how you feel. Just because you worry about his drinking and the effect on you and the boys, doesn?t mean you care any less about him or his mum or what he?s going through. You?re only human!

Tanee ? those girly summers sound great! Perhaps you can still have that to a degree while he goes to work, and then have the long summer evenings in the garden with him. Best of both worlds!

I?m feeling really well at the moment. Ds and I were lying in bed this morning feeling the baby kick and we were both getting really excited. He?s so loving and affectionate. Always kissing and hugging me, and now the bump gets it?s own kisses and hugs as well.

Really really struggling with everything with H at the moment though. He?s still sticking to his word and doing all he can. But I am finding it so so hard with OW and the baby in the equation. Never knowing if he?s there. Torturing myself when the 3 of them are out together taking the baby to get weighed or whatever. I hate her so so much. It's so destructive the way I feel, but I can't help it. My son wasn't that much older than her baby when she ripped my life apart and said 'well I don't know what the big deal is, you have your family and friends, just get over it!'
I had another rant and cry at H the other night because it all got too much again. He said did I want him to walk away and never see any of them again. That me and the boys mean everything to him and if that?s what it takes then he?ll do it.

I can?t ask him to walk away from his own daughter can I. It?s not that poor child?s fault. She deserves her dad in her life as much as my children do.

It?s just an absolutely impossible situation. OW has called the CSA, who have been in touch with H. He has said he is more than happy to support the baby financially, but as he?s not been named on the birth certificate he wants a paternity test to be absolutely certain she is his. CSA accept that and that?s fine. OW said that if he insists on a paternity test then he will never see the baby again!!

Thing is, although there?s clearly that element of doubt (made worse by her reluctance to have the test), I?m almost certain it?s his. It?s just that we may all be putting ourselves through this for absolutely nothing if she?s not his.
We just need to know for sure!

But that stupid cow can?t see it. Her response was ?don?t you dare put me and your daughter through that?. Er, through what?! A 2 second paternity test so that your daughter can be certain who her real father is and have a relationship with him?

Arghhhhhhhh!!!

Anyone heard from sugar?

ginnny · 18/03/2009 10:14

How funny is that thread. The OP (and the sensible people) have gone and they are all just arguing amongst themselves!!
If I could be bothered I would have said that we are not all sycophants on here but the point is that we don't judge each other either and we are all still here to pick up the pieces when things go tits up!
I couldn't have said half the things I say on here to anyone in RL or anywhere else on MN either without being flamed or feeling terrible.
Had a nice chat with DP last night and he agreed that if he is going to have a wobble (which is likely) he will just go away and not contact me till he is OK again. All his family are drinkers and their way of dealing with everything is over a pint or six!!! I realise that he needs to be with his family more than ever at the moment so I'm going to take a back seat and let him get on with it, but still be here for him when he needs me (obviously when he's sober though!).
We've come such a long way the past 6 months I don't want anything to ruin it now.

ginnny · 18/03/2009 10:28

Hi Baffy. We were posting at the same time then.
Glad you are feeling so well. Its a lovely time when you can feel the little kicks. (I'm still broody)
I keep wondering whether OW's baby is actually your H's or if she's tricked him. The only reason I can think that she is stalling on the paternity test is that if the baby isn't his she knows full well he will walk away from her. If there was no doubt in her mind that he was the father she'd have the test in a heartbeat to prove it.
I'm impressed that he is offering to walk away from them both, that shows his commitment to you, but do you really think he could do that? And would you lose respect for him if he did?
It is so so wrong that she is still trying to control your and H's lives and being so unreasonable - if anyone needs a slap she does

Baffy · 18/03/2009 13:07

lol at the slap comment ginny

If she is his child I wouldn't want him to walk away tbh. I'd want my children to know her and grow up with her. (Something I missed out on when my dad walked away from the child he conceived with another woman when my mum was pregnant with me!)

I know my brother now, but only met him aged 27. And I feel we've all missed out on so much. Plus my brother had an awful upbringing, with a nutter mother, and it has affected him very badly. I couldn't put that other baby through that.

Sadly, the whole scenario is just too familiar
Makes me so at H. He knew all of this and what I'd been through.

Anyway, as much as I hate OW, I don't bare the baby any malice at all and would want her in our lives.
(Not that OW will ever let me meet her apparently )

We just need to know for sure.

And I can see all this being twisted in years to come by OW. Your dad didn't want to know. He denied you. Made us have a paternity test. Puts his other kids first etc

macdoodle · 18/03/2009 14:45

Sorry Baffy him offering to walk away from them and his DD I do not see as making a commitment to you - I think it is just more manipulative imature behaviour.....he knows you and what a good kind fair person you are, he knows you would NEVER ever agree to that (just as mine did), he is yet again making YOU make the choices so when it goes tits up he can blame you Sorry my opinion being about a year further on is you are soooooo much better without him
Anyway I can promise it gets better - it seems XH and the OW are back together a few comments form him and DD1 - and you know what - I DONT CARE and I can honestly honestly say that all I feel is relief that maybe he will leave me alone now ......and even her "popping in" with her baby while DD1 happened to be at her dads didnt fase me in the least - let them play ther games/pretend to be a happy family - I am so much better out of it I just wish my DC didnt have to be involved but I reckon with me about they will be ok
How good am I (TFM you out there do you hear me are you proud of me?? Because I sure as hell am)
All good on NM front taking it nice and slow but all going well - he is just gorgeous And he even made a comment about me not being too old for more babies the other night !!!!

Right London ladies - I will be around London Easter Bank hols from about the thur before to the wed after!!! Anyone up for a meet - can be in London or around (staying with my sister in Hitchin will have car or can train into London) can do kids friendly stuff in day and may even be able to manage a grown up eve meet if could convince my sis to babysit !!! Come on

OP posts:
macdoodle · 18/03/2009 14:48

Ginny please dont feel bad about worrying how DP will react - it is completely normal IMO and totally understandable seeing how far you have both come - heres hoping it will all be ok

OP posts:
HappyWoman · 18/03/2009 15:29

Will try not to make too many spelling mistakes.

McD - i may be able to meet up - facebook me
and we will put a date in - otherwise i am crap at sticking to things.

Baffy i think mcd is right when she says h is offering to walk away - remember it is his actions that count - if wants to take the chance that it will make you feel better then let him make that decision and only have himself to blame. He knows you are too nice to him and will not do that.

It was a bit like when my h said he would give up work - he knew i would not 'insist' on it as a condition. It did work out because he did get the offer of another job anyway.

Which brings me onto that - he is enjoying the job - but i feel a bit 'uneasy' at the moment. I dont think there is anything going on but i suppose i thought the new start for him would magically make all my fears disappear.

I want to trust him more but how do i do that, something deep inside keeps telling me to look after myself now. I know that is the right thing and i do feel good being more able to survive without him, but it is just not me iyswim.

Looking back i feel as if h is happier than me as he really did get everything he wanted in the end and i feel 'the same' as i did a few years ago.
He accused me of being miserable a lot of the time (which i dont think i am btw). i am just not one of those poeple who jump up and down waving my arms in the air all the time.

Do feel as if i am a bit down at the moment but i also know i tend to like to see my life moving forward and that is something i feel i am not doing at the moment, my time is taken up with doing too many things for everyone else and not giving myself ME time.

Anyway hopefully the sunshine will lift my spirits - just off to walk to school.

Dior · 18/03/2009 16:13

Baffy - I can see why she might be a bit pissed off at h wanting a test done. She sees it as an insult to her. BUT, let's face it, she has been sleeping with other men so a test is the most sensible option. AND, the CSA accept that. So to her.

HW - I can totally understand your new fears. New work means new potential woman trouble. It is no wonder you might feel a little down. He is a bit mean to call you 'miserable'.

Dior · 18/03/2009 16:13

berry

ladylush · 18/03/2009 19:01

MacD - it's really great that you don't care about xh being with ow. I think they deserve each other tbh. And you deserve lovely NM I agree - being with ow might make him back off more and give you some peace and quiet.

Baffy - glad you are feeling really well. In the blooming stage now Ds is at a lovely age to really appreciate the arrival of his little baby brother and you will get some uninterrupted time with baby

HW - I think you need to have some serious pampering. Sometimes (and I recognise this fault in myself btw) we aren't very good at indulging ourselves because we get a lot out of looking after others (either on a practical or emotional level)but it's important to do it. Maybe go for a drink with some friends, have a spa treatment, get your hair done, buy a new outfit..........something just for you. I am going to get a treatment soon. I used to feel guilty about things like that but not now........hell I'm worth it

ladylush · 18/03/2009 19:08

Bsffy - don't let her manipulation sway you on the paternity test issue.

Ginnny - it's good that you and dp were able to talk openly about what should happen if he falls off the wagon. I think that is progress

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