FAB & GLAM PART 9 - DOES IT GET BETTER NOW!!

[macdoodle]

Started new thread guys as needed to post and old one wouldnt let me - sorry if name is bit miserable but thats how am feeling !

The police have just left
It all went tits up tonight - H found out/suspected about NM and lost it completely - was physically abusive and took my phone - best friend called the police!
Has been a hell of a night - long statement - excellent police man - who says should have called them a long time ago - gonna get the domestic violence team to ring me tomorrow - he will be arrested and probably cautioned - he seems really worried it will escalate - has put a marker on the phone for an immediate response, has adviced me to change the locks and go away for a bit if I can, and they will look at putting an alarm in the house
There is still a part of me that feels I am over reacting/is all my fault - even though an experienced police oficer is not happy about the situation!
What a mess my life has turned into

Sugar
this is every parents worst fear how can you give them the freedom whilst these weirdos are around ?
It must be an awful esp having to talk to SS and the police.
Don't know what to say but thank god you found this.

Baffy glad he is doing what he should be! You will have two fabulous little boys who love their mummy more than anyone (boys do loving mummys very well)
I have two close friends who have all boys , one has 4 one has 5! they both felt as you did without the ow and baby etc.
Funny they darent really tell people how they felt either. It doesnt change that you will love him.

Ginny hows the no smoking going ? Sorry it seems to have exacerbated things with dp. Dont underestimate how stressful giving it up is though.

McD baby fine thanks , well not really baby now but she will always be my baby. Got us all wrapped round her little finger How thins with NM ? So lovely to hear you sound so happy

LL agree with other r/e doppler i never dare get one!

Hope everyone else ok

TFM you not coming back ?

Hi everyone.

Sorry i have come on just to air my problems.

I have spoken to a very nice policeman over th ephone about where they are at right now ith th einvestigation and i going to T/W police station tomorrow to speak to them in person.

but my biggest thing now is that i have got to sit down with dd and tell her i have found the phone. and very gently see how much info i can get from her to help catch these animals.

And i have no idea how to do this.

I think to stay as calm as possible will be key Sugar. Good luck.

Sugar I have texted you.
Dior is right, the best way is to stay calm and hammer the point home that she isn't in trouble and hasn't done anything wrong, she might be relieved to be able to talk about it with you.
They should hang these monsters, in fact hanging is too good for them.
You are a fantastic Mum and I'm sure you will handle it just right.
Remember we are here if you want to unload
x

Glad you got an update Sugar. It will be hard talking to dd but in a way you will probably feel better when you've done it. Sometimes the anticipation of something is the worst part of it iyswim. There are no rehearsals for this kind of thing so all you can do is your best. Good luck. Thinking of you

oh sugar how awful It really is so scary nowadays - I do hope that your talk with her went ok and that she realises that you are protecting her and quite how much danger she was in
Mt best frined has 2 teenagers and they both have computers in their rooms, have already told DD1 (age7) that this is never going to happen and computers remain in family areas It is so sad that we have to be so wary - thnak god you found it when you did before it went any further xxx

Sugar how's things?

FWIW I totally agree with the others. All you can do is be calm (even if inside you're not!) and make sure she completely understands that you're not angry with her, she's done nothing wrong, and you love her and support her.

I hope it's going ok.

F* cking OW!

God I'm so angry right now if I don't do something to get it out I'll explode.

H works most of the weekend so his one day a week, where he spends quality time with ds, is a Friday.

I'm not quite ready for ds to meet OW's baby yet, least of all to be told it's his 'sister'. He just about grasps the concept with my baby and I'm not quite ready for it yet. He won't understand. And I need to come to terms with it myself before I can field his questions.
However unreasonable that may sound it's how I feel, and I can't change that. I need to put me and ds first now.

Anyway, H has been on saying she's been onto him today, is really unwell, and can he go and look after the baby.

Sceptical side of me says she's been pushing for ds to go round, she has made it very clear that she wants ds to know about his sister asap, and she knows Friday is the one day H has ds to himself.
Convenient hey

In the spirit of being a grown up I said to H look, if she's genuinely unwell and needs help, I do remember how hard it was with a new baby. So can she feed the baby, then H can take her out in the pram or car for an hour and I'm ok with ds meeting her. As long as they just refer to her as 'baby s' and not start trying to do any explanations etc until I'm ready. But if it helps everyone out and is best for H, then ds can meet her today.

That was a big step for me. And it was hard to say but it seemed like the right thing to do.

OW has turned round and said H can only see the baby, at her house, while she's there. And both H and myself are fairly certain that once she sees ds she will immediately tell him 'this is baby s and she's your sister'. She will. It's exactly what she's like and she will just do it and worry about the consequences later.

So I'm willing to meet the stupid cow half way and begin the proess of the kids knowing each other, and still she wants it all her way or nothing at all.

WTF do I do! I want to kill her!

Say no Baffy just fucking say NO!!! You do NOT always have to be the reasonable calm adult one, you really dont!
It is your decisison, not the bloody OW, your H has to decide what he wants to do, but tell him you are not happy for him to take DS there with OW ther that you dont trust her!!
I very much dictated when and how DD1 would meet OW baby for the very same reasons - I didnt trust OW to take her feelings into account at all - I knew it would be all about her, and being in control, and getting one over on me, so I put my foot down - and insisted STBXH did it by himself in his flat - I think OW baby was about a year at the time - and DD1 is older than your DS !
It is only very recently that I have let STBXH take DD1 to OW flat and only because I know she is now secure in her relationship with OW baby and will not feel pushed out or unsure in any way!
Do not let them dictate something you are not comfortable with, and if H decides (as always) that pandering to OW is what he wants to do - then he loses out with DS BUT that is his choice and about time he faced the consequences of his actions and yous top protecting him xxxx

Deep breaths Baffy!

You know, please don't shout at me, but I think just let them get on with it. DS is so young he will take it in his stride. He will have to meet his half-sister at some point won't he and there will never, in your eyes (which I completely understand btw) be a 'right' time.

I really don't know what else you can do. You and the baby really don't need this stress so let H manage his own mess. Sending you some hugs. Sorry if not much help but what else can you do?

What MacDoodle said!
Baffy - Take a stand - she has to stop manipulating you and H like this. OK she feels unwell and she has a baby but its about bloody time she grew up. How many of us have had to look after a baby when we feel like crap? Probably all of us at some time or other. And did she care about you alone with ds with your heart breaking while she was with your H? Did she **!
Your H should grow a pair too. Fridays is his day with ds, so he should say No or offer to go round to see her when you finish work for a few hours.
If you don't nip this in the bud now she'll be controlling your lives for evermore.
Sorry I sound really shouty and bossy there but I'm so for you. You are so nice and understanding even though they have treated you like dirt and you don't deserve this.
Also have just had huge row with my stupid SIL so am feeling very feisty!
Hope today went OK Sugar.
Off to do the school run now and work off a bit of the temper SIL has got me into

Oh ffs Baffy, she is really taking the piss I agree with ginnny and macdoodle 4wiw. Tell him he can go there alone when you finish work (hmm, you've probably had to make a decision by now......I'm a bit late). I don't blame you for wanting control over how and when ds is told about his half sister (assuming indeed it is - has DNA been done yet?). You've been more than accommodating imo.

Thanks so much for the quick replies you four

I'm glad you don't think I'm a nutter for feeling like this!

I'm fuming tbh and I when I see H shortly I'm going to lay down the law. He can do what the hell he wants and jump when she says jump, but I want nothing more to do with it. You're right, I don't have to be the calm reasonable one all of the time. And I'm sick to death of it!

Owls I do understand what you're saying and there never will be a right time. Totally agree.

Do you know what though, and I don't know if this is just me being bloody minded (because I do want ds to know is half sister and have a relationship with her in the future), but while they're all babies, I actually don't give a shit anymore if ds sees her. In a few years they can meet, understand, and develop a relationship.
For now, H and OW can shove it!

And further to that, ds will NOT meet the child until I see the results of a paternity test. LL you're right. I've just decided that I'm not putting him (or myself) through any of it until I know for sure that the child is even related!

Ginnny, sorry to hear you've had a row with sil.
Sugar - hope things ok with dd

I got some good news today. I've been accepted by the out of borough hospital I requested (notoriously difficult to get into). It's not the greatest of hospitals but it has excellent antenatal facilities and fetal medicine unit. So I'm v happy Not so good news is that my TSH is high at 2.9 when it should be below 1. So my thyroxine has been increased. Hope that hasn't impacted on the pregnancy. G.P says it wouldn't...........but you know how it is when you're pregnant and anxious.

Lovely sunshine today. Hope everyone has a good weekend (or at least not an awful one)

Great news about the hospital LL I'm sure everything will be ok.

Ginny, what was the argument about? (Nosy!)

Off to face my wonderful H...

Baffy completely agree with the others hope the meeting goes your way.
DS is not another pawn for her to use in her games.
I think you should stand firm about him not meeting baby until yo know she is def his half sis.
I would then do the first meeting with you there and h can bring the baby.
FGS if she 'really' was unwell she would be glad of the time to herself and let h take lo out.
But very much doubt it tbh and also if you jump to this and involve ds she is then dictating to all of you.
Sod em her and her baby is not your priority at the moment.

LL great news about the hospital

Sugar hope the talk went ok with dd. I guess she doesnt even know the consequences of the messages so you can only support her whilst trying to show her how dangerous a position she was in.
Agree Mcd its so scary our computer will stay in the dining room where i can see it.
How things with you ?

Hope everyone else ok anyone doing anything nice this weekend ?

Thanks LL and Baffy LL - ds has a party tomorrow and dh and I are going out with friends in the evening. Sunday is deliciously free so far You doing anything nice?

Baffy - did h take ds there?

I hoping to be meeting up with all the post natal ladies from here but dd is poorly so not sure now We have been organising it since they were norn a year ago!

'born'

Doh! Sorry Baffy - missed your post below In your shoes, I would want to know for certain who the father is..........before ow starts making introductions. What a bitch Don't blame you for wanting ds out of it regardless of the paternity issue. I'm not being very unbiased am I?!

Sorry dd not well - hope she gets better soon. Shame if you can't make the meet up.

Baffy lol at you being nosy!!! You'll wish you'd never asked because I can fill pages on this subject
My SIL and I haven't got on for years, but its got gradually worse and worse. She is very manipulative and spiteful and has now stopped my dc and her dc seeing each other at my Mums in the school holidays, blaming my ds1 for being mean to her dd who is 7.
I tried to sort it out as no matter what we think of each other the dc are cousins but she is using a silly row between a 7 and a 9 year old to drive a further wedge in the family.
As a result of her spitefulness now my brother and I don't talk, my Mum can't see her grandchildren altogether and family gatherings are a thing of the past all because of her attitude.
Anyway, that's the jist of it. I'd had enough of it all today and let her have both barrells.
I actually feel much better for letting it out now, although I think the damage is now irrepairable (much to her delight!)
Ho hum. Can't choose your families.
Hope everyone has a fab weekend and enjoys the lovely sunshine.

Baffy - hold onto that anger and please dont ignore your inner feelings any longer.

I think H is telling you this because he actually WANTS your permission to see ow. He can then justify it to you by saying 'but you said you didnt mind'.

She probably is still playing the game and still holds some control if h is still willing to jump when she says - beware that he is telling you he doesnt want to go and see her - thats easy if he doesnt want to then he doesnt have to and so what even if the child is his - will it really matter if he does not see her for a while.

Am so angry for you as i just feel you are still being far too nice and reasonable - if you dont like then you dont have to put up with it.

I tried to accept it was for the good if h and ow continued to work together - it was bloody hard as i didnt want to be seen as unreasonable - and i didnt want to force h to leave - but looking back i wish i had been stronger and not allowed myself to be 'persuaded' it was for the best.

If your h truely wants that woman out of his life then he has to do that and not go to her at her beck and call.

Ok so in an ideal world he would have a realationship with the baby - BUT you are not in an ideal situation are you?

I think you want to tell him NO but are too scared that you will be seen as being unreasonalbe
SO WHAT? you are not, this is not about what is best for that baby think about what is best for you and your ds now and until you feel right (and if that is never so be it) stick to your gut feel.

Sorry baffy i dont want to be harsh but want you to feel in control.

If h on his own decides to take ds let him take the consequenses of it.

It was the same when h wanted to change jobs - i would not let him think he was doing it for me as if it went wrong i didnt want to take the blame.

Thinking of you though

Sounds like you enjoyed having your say ginnny She sounds like a mare tbh.

HO HUM - ginny - i too have family like that and it is only recently that i have felt ok about not getting on.

Its a big thing to not worry that others may not like you , but it stops you feeling used too.