FAB & GLAM PART 9 - DOES IT GET BETTER NOW!!

[macdoodle]

Started new thread guys as needed to post and old one wouldnt let me - sorry if name is bit miserable but thats how am feeling !

The police have just left
It all went tits up tonight - H found out/suspected about NM and lost it completely - was physically abusive and took my phone - best friend called the police!
Has been a hell of a night - long statement - excellent police man - who says should have called them a long time ago - gonna get the domestic violence team to ring me tomorrow - he will be arrested and probably cautioned - he seems really worried it will escalate - has put a marker on the phone for an immediate response, has adviced me to change the locks and go away for a bit if I can, and they will look at putting an alarm in the house
There is still a part of me that feels I am over reacting/is all my fault - even though an experienced police oficer is not happy about the situation!
What a mess my life has turned into

Oh Baffy, I remember the night I had ds2 having a cry because he wasn't a girl. I feel guilty now for that as it was totally irrational and I wouldn't swap ds2 for all the world as he is the light of my life. It's great having 2 boys, they have such a close bond and they love all the same things, play the same games and both adore their Mummy (and it saves a fortune on clothes and toys as they can have all the castoffs!)
Now I have a 'step dd' (kind of!!) I get all the girlie shopping trips, all the fun stuff but I've skipped all the nasty bits! You never know what life will throw at you.
Even if you were having a girl you would have felt sad that she wouldn't be H's only dd, so either way OW's baby would have twisted the knife somehow.
Hope you feel better soon Sugarx

Baffy I completely understand as well. I so wanted a dd when pg with ds so we decided to find out the sex so that if it was a ds I would have time to bond before he was born. Now I would still like a dd but there would be lots of advantages in having another ds. Like your ds, he would like a db. Also they could share a room, I could reuse clothes etc. I can see how the ow having a girl has made the realisation that your having a ds even more painful. Don't feel guilty - these are normal if unpleasant emotions. You are going through a lot right now........cut yourself a bit of slack love. Ds also loves looking at the baby on the scanner. It must be a great bonding experience for them. We missed out on that when we were kids. I'm so pleased all is well with your baby Strange to think I'd be half way through my pg as well if the other one had survived. I'm now 10+6 so 1 week and 1 day til the 12 week mark. I'm off work again, but will probably go back tomorrow. Bleeding seems to be slowing down again. Dopplers arrived in the post this morning so dh and I will play with those tonight. I don't know if I've been imagining it but I've been feeling strange feelings in my tummy during the past week. It's kind of like my insides turning inside out. It feels weird.

Sugarpear - hope you feel better soon.

That's a good point ginnny and maybe another way you could look at it Baffy is that you will have two lovely ds by h which she will never have.

LL be careful with the dopplers - baby is still in the pelvis till 12-13 weeks so no way will hear anything - I struggle to locate heartbeat before baby is big enough to be near belly button so about 16-18 weeks - dont want you to have more unneccesary worry cos you cant find the heartbeat!!!!

Thanks macd - it's ok I won't worry if we can't hear it yet. I have been encouraged by a lady on the antenatal thread who found hb at 11.5 weeks but I know it may take longer. Main reason for purchase is for reassurance between m/w appts. It seems that I won't be seen from 12-24 weeks. I was quite shocked about that. Don't know if my thyroid issue might mean I get seen more?

No way she could have hear a HB at 11 weeks almost certainly was her own blood flow she heard - the HB is too small to be picked up by an external doppler (which is why EPAU do internal scans), and the baby is neatly tucked away behind the pubic bones at that stage - sorry is just not physically possible...
They may see you earlier because of thyroid problems - do you have a joint MW/consultant/physician clinic - that is what we have here and they are very good!

Do you mean at the GP? I doubt it but will ask.

Wow, all this preggie talk is making me quite envious - sadly, will never have fluttery feelings or scans ever again.

Baffy, really, don't feel bad about being upset. As you can see, we've all been through this. I was so desperate for a girl, but they wouldn't tell me what it was at the scan. The nurse asked me what I wanted, and when I said a girl, all he said was, 'you could be lucky' - by which I assume he could tell it was female, but wouldn't admit to it. At that time there was a lot of publicity about Asian women having abortions when they knew they were expecting girls - maybe he thought I'd be one of them ! As it was, I was convinced I was having a boy and it wasn't until I had a nightmare in which I gave birth to a boy and then it was kidnapped, that I realised that actually, I would love it, whatever it was! When DD was born, her 'bits' were so swollen that I thought she WAS a boy (she won't thank me for telling you this )!!

Sugarpear, hope you'll feel better soon. Good excuse to pamper yourself .

McD, no offence taken about DP - I'm always glad for your support. Actually, I find it easier now, knowing that his behaviour is not to do with anything DD or I have done, though he may focus on us, but is really to do with his own self-hatred. That makes it easier for me to leave him to it, and he DOES come round faster that way. We had a bad episode last week, but I avoided him for a couple of days and he's pretty well back to his own sweet self again - if a bit sheepish! I'm looking forward again to him spoiling me for my birthday on Thursday, whereas last week I thought I'd be celebrating on my own.

I would love to think he might one day get some professional help or at least reduce his drinking, but I won't keep my fingers crossed. I do think he'd feel less groggy in the mornings if he drank less, but it's something he needs to do for himself.

My only sorrow now is that DD has washed her hands of him and only speaks to him if she has to. Things may improve when she's older and has left home, sadly, that won't be long now.

Ginnny, really sorry to hear that things with DP are deteriorating. It seems sad that, now that he's curbed the drinking, other cracks are showing. He should, really, be glad that you get on so well with his DD and he should realise that, at 16, she will be looking at him with the very clear, unforgiving eyes of a young adult and she WILL challenge him - that's perfectly normal and healthy behaviour in a teenager. Expecting you to 'side' with him when he's in the wrong is unreasonable.

girls im going to need support and advice lots. I just went throuigh my daughters phone which i never sdo and it looks like she has been groomed by a peadophile.

just waiting for dh to get here then we are going to police while eldest ds looks after kids.

im shaking feel sick. My goo dthese texts were seriously explicit.

I cant cry cos she will know somethings up. Havent spoken to he about it as scared i'll do it wrong need police advice.

What the hell do i do to help her now

OMG SP! Are you sure it is not a boyfriend? Not that this would be better of course. How old is she?

Bloody hell sugar!! That's terrible.
How old is she? Do you know for sure its a paedophile?
It sounds like you have caught it in time before anything bad has happened - I just hope she is OK and not too traumatised.
Good luck with the police.
((((hug))))

Oh no sugarpear If you are sure she's been groomed by a paedophile then you're right to go to the police. I suppose at this stage you don't know if they've met etc? I so hope not. I bet you have so many questions running through your mind....I hope you get the answers soon. Really feel for you

hi girls, Reported it to the police the support officer that took statement was even shocked at the contents of the texts.

came home and i have gone through her emails and her msn. And there is more guys. God only knows what she has been saying to them but on something called 'tagged' she says she is 13 ( she is 12 13 in may) and there are blokes of 23 31 and 29 talking to her sending her messages asking if she is on msn tonight.

2 of them im'd whilst i was on her account and i was very brief with answers and tried writing like a 13 yr old. 1 of them was offering to but her a train ticket to london answered that my mum wouldnt let me. He said he'd come to "me" said about booking a hotel. it was sexual stuff written and he obviously knew he was talking to a child.

But now i have there email address and i have saved and printed out the whole conversation.

I have her phone. she doesnt know she thinks youngest dd has played with it somewhere. And she will not be getting it back. she isnt goin gon the com ever. And she isnt going to school tomorrow either i dont care what they say i dont know how much info these scum bags have on her so she isnt leaving my sight.

I just feel crap that i wasnt tougher on her. I just thought it was her girl mates from school she spoke to. she has 1 friend who i always thought acted above her age but i never for one moment thought she would ever do this otherwise id never have let her on the computer.

My head is pounding i feel sick to my stomach. And she is totally unaware. But her world willchange the moment the police come to talk her.

How is she going to react to me? Is she going to hate for going through her stuff?
Am i about to lose my little girl?

I cant talk to her yet. Even police said not to incase i say it wrong she gets scared and runs away.

She is going to be mortified that me and her dad ahve read all this on her phone.
I cant begin to say how sick i feel. Those texts are burnt in to my brain. I read them once and i know them word for word. My baby girl should never have had to read such vile filth like that on her own phone.

I just dont know where to turn but i know i have to be strong for her when all this comes out.

My poor baby girl

Lush - be careful with the doppler - they actually use more ultrasound than the normal scan so should only be used with extreme caution. With McD too that it is not possible to detect that early and you will find it hard to distingish yours and babys hb. Even doing doppler flow is tricky on a 26 week plus. Sorry to put a downer on it but please be careful.

Baffy - sorry you didnt get the dd you hoped for - and for goodness sake dont you dare feel bad for the way you feel.
You have every right to feel angry hurt cheated and any other feeling that you may have. And remember just because you have a wicked thought does not make you a wicked person. You can have the most dreadful thoughts and they wont come true even if you wish them really really hard - and as i dont think you will ever act any of them out feel free to think away. Even you cant change the future just by thinking such wicked thoughts so please dont you dare give yourself a hard time. Now pass the vodoo dolly here and let me do the deed for you.

YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON FOR HAVING BAD THOUGHTS.

Sugar - thinking of you - hope you get it sorted.

Hi to everyone else - still manic here.

Oh sugarpear I think she will understand that you are doing your best to protect her - eventually. She might be angry about you looking at her phone etc. but most teens would react in that way. What choice did you have anyway.

Sugar. You did the right thing. She'll be pissed off that you checked her phone but she'll thank you in the long run.
Its so scary - DPs dd was banned from Bebo at around that age after all the bad press it got. You just can't be too careful these days.
I'll be thinking of you tomorrow - I hope it goes OK.
x

Thanks so much for all the support everyone.

I had a really good think last night and I don't think it's that I don't want or love this lo. Far from it. Every time I get a little fluttery kick I take a few minutes just to have a think about him, thank my lucky stars he's there, and be glad he's doing well.

It's about OW I think. Coming to terms with what she did, what H did, and the daughter they have created from all of that torture and heartache. The daughter my husband has had to another woman whilst still married to me. I think I need to stop burying all of my feelings and deal with it all. Blocking it out doesn't seem to be working anymore. It's just destroying me inside. Eating away. I have to try and do something.

Anyway, sugar I'm so shocked at what you're going through. Poor you. And poor dd. FWIW I think you've done exactly the right thing. And the only thing you, as her mother, can do in this horrendous situation.

I'm certain she won't understand the seriousness of what has been going on. Nowhere near. And whatever her reaction is right now, one day she will thank you. Just thank god you found out when you did.
Do let us know how you are xx

Baffy i do think you need to find an outlet for all that negative emotion. Its ok to hate her and what they did, its ok to feel real rage and want to do all those awful things - BUT you must find a way to get these feeling out in a contructive way - as you are finding it will just eat away at you.

Is your h able to now talk to you or does he mmake you feel bad for 'reminding'him of his mistake? For him it may well be over and done and he wants to move on but for you as you are finding out it is not over (however much you wish it was).

We are more than 2 years on and still there are days when i find i want to bring it up and 'talk' it out. Other days i just scream into my pillow and punch out the same pillow. I still do the writing from time to time too. It is fading but i am not pushing it away now either. I have to accept that somedays it is 'there' no matter what i do to stop it.
Now though h is willing to talk and also accepts the damage he has done. We would both love a magic wand but TOGETHER we are working it through.
BUT if ever he did not support me i know i could do it alone and it would never be as bad as it was then.

Do take care Baffy - you want to be strong and move on but you may not be ready - listen to those thoughts in your head and let out some of that anger - anyone that loves you will not mind and will support you.

Do email if you still want to chat more - always here for you.

Sugar - I was talking to my neighbour on the walk to school today. I mentionned MSN and she said that her dd was banned from it as a man had been grooming her. Now, I know she's not you becuase I have MET you, so I was shocked that it is so prevalent

Thanks so much HW xx

Dior that's shocking. I didn't realise either.

Dh has spoken to the police. Just hoping they come today. She is suss about why she has the day off. School are cool with it ( tbh tough if they weren't!) Police said we had done the right thing by keeping here safe with me today.

I just cant believe this is happening. Keep hoping its a nightmare thta we will wake up from.

The police will sieze her phone and our computer. It will take them months to go through it. I justy hope they catch them quickly.

my mind is spinning with what ifs. And will my dd have to go to court will she has to face these vile scum.

I just want to cry but i cant because dd is here and i cant upset her like that.

I keep looking at her and she is still such a child and these animals go out of there way to look for girls like her. How the hell can these people be allowed to live and walk the streets.

Social services are being called too and i wish they would hurry up too. I need help to deal with this because i honestly dont know how to. Just 10 minutes so i can go to my neighbours and cry would help so much now.

all my dd's are in the front room eating easter eggs. and i dont ever want them to leave the house again.

Sugar, that's terrible - what made you check her phone? Did you suspect something was going on? You did exactly the right thing. She may be indignant and angry when she finds out, but when she's older, she will thank you as you have saved her from a mountain of trouble - and that's what Mums are for . It frightens me how many pervs there must be out there. DD says she sometimes gets invites on FB from strange men but she always deletes them - but then, she's older and (I hope) wiser and is still more interested in music than men.

I think it is a real worry. I do try and limit who mine talk too but it is so hard. Ypu have to give them some freedom to learn and yet want to protect them.

The other side of it though is that a chap who worked with DH was raided by the police last year as he was suspected of 'grooming' (he was totally inocennt - but someone had stolen his identity and set up computer accounts in his name - and used his address ect). Trouble is neighbours were not too forgiving and things like no smoke without fire ect have forced him and his girlfriend to move . TBH i would not have been to pleased if i had lived down his street and unless i had known him would have reacted just like his neighbours did. He is fighting for compensation now as he did get a full appology from the police.
Later police did say they thougth they knew who it was but it was too late by then and they cant publish too much detail as it will invalidate further investigations.

But i do hope they do find out what they need.

Sugarpear - hope the authorities don't take too long to deal with this. Otherwise it just prolongs your agony. At least you know you have done what you can - the rest is up to other agencies. It must have been sickening to read those texts on your dds phone knowing they are from adult men It must be very hard for dh as well - men don't deal with these things very well if you know what I mean!

HW - feel very sorry for that guy you mentioned. Must be awful to go through that. Also I think mud always sticks and apology or not, some people will always assume the worst.

Forgot to say I told a couple of colleagues today. The boss (most important!), and a colleague who wanted me to take on one of his clients - can't do it now as she is too high risk. They were very supportive. I also told other people in the team that the health issue which meant I had to go off sick last week could re-emerge at any time - just so that they were aware that I may have to go home at short notice.