FAB & GLAM PART 9 - DOES IT GET BETTER NOW!!

[macdoodle]

Started new thread guys as needed to post and old one wouldnt let me - sorry if name is bit miserable but thats how am feeling !

The police have just left
It all went tits up tonight - H found out/suspected about NM and lost it completely - was physically abusive and took my phone - best friend called the police!
Has been a hell of a night - long statement - excellent police man - who says should have called them a long time ago - gonna get the domestic violence team to ring me tomorrow - he will be arrested and probably cautioned - he seems really worried it will escalate - has put a marker on the phone for an immediate response, has adviced me to change the locks and go away for a bit if I can, and they will look at putting an alarm in the house
There is still a part of me that feels I am over reacting/is all my fault - even though an experienced police oficer is not happy about the situation!
What a mess my life has turned into

Dior that break sounds lovely, totally agree with the others, don't you dare feel guilty. Sounds like just what you needed

Ginny I think this will be the hardest part. Stick with it, you're doing great.

Things are quiet with H, OW and the baby. Well, quiet as in she's not giving me any hassle. Doesn't sound like she's making things easy for H though. He's still going to get a paternity test as he knows that she was sleeping with other people too. Makes me so so angry though. I'm pretty certain it's H's. She was so definite on the dates.

Having said that, she said that he would get a paternity test 'over her dead body'. (That can be arranged!!) However, wants maintenance payments starting immediately.

I got a new phone the other day and was clearing messages off my old one. I found one from her saying how much she was in love with H and how she got pregnant to prove to him just how much he meant to her How f*d up is that! Especially now she's admitted that whilst trying to declare this undying love by bringing a child into the world, she had no problem sleeping around for fun on the side I guess there's still every chance it's not his. But I'm not holding my breath.

I feel awful today tbh. Reading through those old messages really hit me. I need H so much right now. I miss him. Ds misses him like mad. But I also hate the fact that I still seem to be living every minute re-running the pain over and over in my head. I don't know if it could be hormones, or tiredness, or stress (juggling the new house, pregnancy, ds, job, not to mention money on my own - is so much harder than I thought). Or maybe it's a combination of all of it. I hate them both so much for doing this. It's eating away inside me. Especially now as he doesn't even want her. He destroyed his life, and mine, for what now seems like nothing! But it's just not healthy the way I am. How can you love and hate someone so much at the same time!

Sorry all me me me. I'm not sure what else to do right now.

Will try to focus on tomorrow and the happier times to come. Can't wait to see the scan so hopefully that will give me a lift again

LL good luck for tomorrow. I'll be thinking of you xx

Baffy I promise you it gets better I PROMISE !!
Remember I have been exactly where you are now and I know exactly how you feel, but I can honestly promise you it will pass - amazingly I can even read threads here from or about OW and no longer feel that searing hatred towards her ...the thought of her baby is just a dull ache but doesnt make me feel sick like it used to...
NM has helped but I think NM happened because I was finally able to let go of the bitterness and anger ..
Of course STBXH totally irrational and frankly abusive behaviour helps ...
I think of you often I would never wish what you are going through on anyone, and I wont lie to you the next year or so will be very tough but there is a light very faintly at the end of the tunnel xxxxx

Oh Baffy . I really hope things start to improve soon. You deserve them to.

Baffy they say that love and hate are 2 sides of the same coin. I understand how you feel, you are going through so much and the pregnancy hormones are probably making you feel worse too. Now the old phone is gone with all the old messages, think of it as a new start for you.
Good luck with the scan tomorrow.
I think I may be heading for singledom again soon. Things aren't right and I don't know if I can be bothered to try any more. Its not drink related this time which is worse in a way. I need to work out if I really feel like this or whether its just the stress of everything getting to me.
Need to have a really big think.

Ginnny (and B for that matter) - no-one will ever say you didn't TRY to make it work.

Quick message for scans tom hope they go well ladies

Hope everything went well with the scans guys - I have everything crossed for you LL and am sending good vibes your way

I understand completely how you feel regarding your H Baffy but you can love someone really intensely but not really like them or the way they behave if you know what I mean. I know what you mean about dredging up all the feelings again, I am a real brooder I can torment myself about comments I have made and things that have happened years ago - without a doubt the other person has completely forgotten so now if any of these thought pop into my head I consciously say to myself "not thinking about that" push it out and think about something nicer...it really does work for me.

Tanee I realised I never answered regarding the assertiveness - I think it did help I cant say im not still basically passive agressive but im now more aware of it....so one more thing to beat myself up about I do think it helps to be aware so that if you can feel yourself dealing with a confrontation in an unecessarily agressive way you can...stop...take a deep breath and rethink how you deal with it.

I live with a depressive H too so I know how you feel, at the moment he is very tired and depressed...I appreciate totally it is an illness and he cant help it but sometimes I look at his grumpy face and just want to slap him out of it again I think the best course of action is to ignore it - I do feel for the children sometimes though when hes being short with them as they are far too young to understand.

Baffy - it is a kind of tourture isnt it? Reading through those texts is like picking at a scab - you know it will hurt but you just cant resist.

I have just come back from a weekend in london. It was wonderful but still a small part of me does the tourture too. There are still a few ghosts to remind me.
But i feel so much stronger for having done it - if h wanted to he could again lead the double life (i have to believe now that he doesnt because i mean so much to him). And do you know i really do feel it now. If anything as things get better it is h who brings it up and looks at me and then confesses he was a twat to want anything more.
I still hate what he did and ow too but i do not hate him. But i also dont love him in the same way either - and if i am honest i dont think i will ever love anyone in the same way again (a bit like the love of your first child i suppose, it never is the same again). Thats not in a sad way but in a wise way.

Baffy - please dont bottle up your hate for what he did - even if he cant handle you having the odd rant - i do believe that is waht you need. As you are finding out it will eat you up otherwise, let it out and please dont give a thought for whether it will hurt h or not. This is about what you need now and i dont think you even know what you want yet really. You want to be strong to show him you can but you also want to be looked after and loved by him, and show him what an amazing person you are to 'forgive' him.
BUT if you need to let rip then please do - and sod the consequences for once.

Dior glad you had a lovely weekend - and dont feel guilty, it gave h the chance to bond with ds remember.

Lush let us know how you got on today

And Baffy you too - are you going to find out the sex?

The thing is HW you know you could cope and you would survive.

Ive never felt the intense feeling I had for my ex since, and quite frankly if I ever did I would run a mile, but I know I have been to one of the worst places I could go in a relationship and got over it. My H now is NOT naturally a cheater, my ex WAS, but I would still never say it will never happen - I am realistic that if a certain set of circumstances presented themselves it could happen...but its not something I overly worry about - I just think im realistic.

Some people just seem to be able to throw themselves into relationship after relationship every time thinking this time this person is "perfect" it will all work out, and good for them, but I dont think I could keep coping with the disappointment when the handsome prince turns out to be a frog. Id rather start out realistically at a place where I know he is somewhere in the middle between prince and frog!

Thanks again everyone for thinking of me
WW- lol at the idea of viewing a dp somewhere between a frog and a prince. I think you are spot on
HW - IKWYM the love you have for your h changes post affair. I think it's a combination of the trauma and the loss of trust. I'm glad you are comforted by his obvious commitment to you now and his frequent reassurance This has helped me lots too. I really think you are doing the best you can given what you've been through and need to give yourself credit for how amazingly well you've done. How is dh coping re loss of his mother?
Ginnny - sorry things not going well with dp Maybe take some time to figure out what you want? It's hard to think clearly when everything is going wrong.
Tanee your poor mother We really are spoilt nowadays!
Baffy sorry to hear how tough things are for you right now, but not in the least surprised. As you say, you have loads to contend with - on your own. You are a strong woman but you're not made of stone! I have no doubt that pregnancy hormones are not helping. I think you're amazing actually, I really do. You never seem to lose your perspective. No wonder h is kicking himself. What a stupid stupid man to lose/risk losing you. Hope your scan goes well today and that it gives you that much needed lift.
McD - I'm so glad that you can see light at the end of the tunnel now. When I first joined this thread things were still so difficult for you - esp. re ow baby. A lot of healing can happen in a year happily
Update: After a few days fretting and sleepless nights followed by yet more fresh red bleeding (fairly heavy), we got a call this morning to say my scan had been cancelled due to staff sickness. I explained about the bleeding and they advised me to attend EPU. Had to drag poor ds out of bed and fight our way through rush hour traffic. Got scanned. Baby fine and thrashing about like crazy I have another subchorionic haematoma outside but level with the sac which is apparently caused by the placenta embedding into the uterus and breaking vessels in the process. I'd love to say I felt ecstatic (like dh)at the image on the screen, but I didn't. Of course I was relieved and happy all is ok but I just have this horrid unshakeable fear that cannot be allayed. I don't know how long this bleeding will go on for and each time I get a fresh bleed I will wonder if it's something more sinister. The sonographer said some women get bleeding every day for the duration of their pregnancy I just hope I'm not one of them though I would endure it if I knew for sure all would be ok with baby. I am off work today but will probably go back tomorrow.

Glad baby is ok LL guess you are just going to have to take this one day at a time and try your best not to worry. Am sure much easier said than done though!

LL - thrilled to hear that baby is thrashing about . Hope the bleeding stops. I too had some bleeding with DD - and having lost one baby previously, it was a great excuse to come home from work & put my feet up for the evening. I made an entire rug in needlepoint during my pregnancy . ExH was a rotten cook but we somehow survived on pasta & takeaways!

Baffy, hope your scan goes well. It must be a really tough time for you and I can quite understand you feeling love and hate for H and what he's put you through. Just take each day as it comes.

Ginnny, really sorry to hear things are not going well with DP. Would taking time for yourself help? Do you think that him giving up booze and fags, and you giving up smoking are making you both more edgy with each other or is it something quite different?

Wily, good to hear from you. I'm not sure if I'm using my assertiveness at the moment - I think I was already good at dealing with stroppy people at work . As for DP, yes, it isn't easy living with someone's depression. It's easy for people outside the situation to dismiss them as being arses, but we know, when we're actually living with them, that they aren't being deliberately hurtful, it's the pain in their own minds that causes them to lash out. I'm working on dealing with DP in this vein. He's still having his ups and downs, but I'm doing a lot of thinking about why he's like this, and finding ways to distance myself so I don't panic, but just get on with my life and doing things to make myself and DD happy. I still get very sad when he has an episode, but I'm slowly learning that if I don't panic and confront him or show him I'm upset and hurt, then he comes out of it quicker and we get back to 'normal' (whatever that is )

LL that's great news, although horrible that you can't relax and enjoy this pregnancy. Get plenty of rest and don't overdo it.
Thanks for the squeeze Dior!!
Tannee, I think the not drinking and not smoking (still haven't had one!!) aren't helping but it is more than that. We are just not getting on. He is having problems with his dd (mostly of his own making I have to say) and they had a big showdown on Saturday, which led to him storming out and me comforting her, but he then blamed me for taking her side and now won't speak to me.
I think for the whole 4 years we've been together the big problem has been the drink and I've focussed on that so much, now he's not drinking all the other problems are coming to the fore and the more that happens the more I find myself disliking him.
I still love him, but I just don't know if that's enough anymore. I'm tired of it all being such hard work.
Him sulking and not talking to me is giving me some time out to think. Usually I'm the one who gets in touch first to try and sort things out but I haven't this time and I don't want to even speak to him.
Sorry - all me, me, me

Ginny - know what you mean - because you have focussed on the drink you have put all the problems down to that (and of course not all the problems will be that at all). Do you think you want him to go back to drink so you have the excuse iyswim (i must admit that sometimes i do think that it would be easier to 'catch' h out and call it a day - when it is all hard work).

Good news Lush - take it easy and do try and enjoy it if you can.

Tanee you are a saint - it must be so hard when you cant even blame him for his moods (but make sure you dont bite your tounge all the time - you are allowed to get angry too).

How did it go baffy?

WW - i think i am more of a realist now - and today have come to the conclusion that there are no winners in an affair. Not the mistress - all she gets is a man who she shares and she already knows to be a liar. The wife even if he does stay - gets a man who again she now knows is capable of lying with ease. The children too lose all respect if they know what has been going on.

Hey ho though i do feel strangly upbeat as if i can do anything (except the spring cleaning), and knowing i CAN do it alone is a great feeling - i have choosen to stay with h, and i feel in control.

LL am so please LO is ok I have been thinking about you today - how odd you can invest so much emotional effort in someone you have never met That is something we must remedy think we can all do with a meetup - maybe somewhere near our 2 pregnant ladies to make it easier for them??

Oh everyone seems a bit low/flat - it is the time of year I think

Ginny am so sorry I was so hopeful that maybe he had turned the corner for you - I sometimes think they push us so far, that evntually we just dont have any fight left, it really shouldnt need to be so hard !!

HW you have done so well how long is it now?? Do you think things are better/worse/the same ??

Dior are you ok?? You have gone very quiet and I know this time of year is hard for you ??SAD have you thought about a lightbox , how is H behaving??

Tanee, I have the utmost respect for you, am sorry if I was harsh earlier, I know that depression can be so hard to live with both for the person and the family, but sometimes it does become a bit of an excuse for bad behaviour/not making an effort as well - no offense at all and of course I dont know your DP so am not in any position to judge him, I just feel so and for you soemtimes when you seem to sound so frustrated and trying so hard xx

Lily how are you, how is LO, my Lil is a monster, walking into everything a real little vandal, but such a sunny natured baby - she does light my life up

TFM you about lurking, you have gone quiet again it was so lovely to have you back

Baffy you will be fine, I have utmost faith in that, with or without H.........I found this time when OW baby was just born and I was heavily pregnant very hard, it was something I had wanted so much, it was supposed to be so happy - kept thinking how happy we had been when I was pregnant with DD1 and how it was all such a mess...beware she is likely to kick off when your LO is born she will not do you the courtesy you have done her, mine did luckily my sister was here

Ummm who else Wily you ok?? Sugra you still around??

Ok think thats everyone?? Right ladies this is the last miserable thread Glam and Fab TEN will be the thread we all get our happy endings !!!!! And I think we should get a MN award for the longest running thread

Tanee - it must be very hard for you at times . I hope one day he can face up to the depression and ditch or at least change the way he drinks. I gave myself the name ladylush because though I was never an alcoholic I started drinking every night following a series of m/c, shit job, difficult time with a sleep-defying toddler etc. etc. It made me feel worse - lethargic and low in mood. I decided to change the way I drink and only drink for pleasure and only at the weekend or occasional week days if we were socialising. It means that I have to use other (healthier) coping strategies if things are difficult. I know I wasn't clinically depressed (though do think I had low level depression - not helped by my then undiagnosed hypothryroidism)but if your dp could think about doing something similar I really do think he would feel better.

Thanks macdoodle Very sweet of you and I think your emotional energy is helping....so please don't stop
I agree - meet up would be great. Maybe spring? I don't mind travelling. A good excuse to stay at a hotel and get me time Some good deals around atm too. I think Baffy is in Manchester?? I'm in London. I think we are all spread out. Incidentally in my MH trust Feb is the worst month for admissions.

Ginnny - I think one does tend to focus on the main problem to the neglect of others. After h's affair I had to think about other problems in our relationship and acknowledge that the infidelity wasn't our only problem though it suited me at the time to think and say that it was. It seems as though dp is being childish wrt you and his dd. He wants you to have a good relationship with her, yet wants to control who's side you take. He's putting you in an impossible situation and sulking speaks volumes.

HW - I do sometimes think if he went back to the drink I could cope with that because I knew what I was up against. Of course that was far worse and I really don't want to go back there again but a lot of the fallout from the stress was absorbed in the drink iyswim. He'd blow his top, go on the piss, come home sorry and it would be forgotten, nowadays he seems to have no outlet, so the stress doesn't go away just builds up.
LL you are so right about his dd. I love her to bits, but I can't be a mother figure to her, which he would like. I'm more like a big sister and we are very close, especially as I had an alcoholic father and I understand what she's been through. He wants me to stand by his side and agree when he's being downright unreasonable and I find it so hard, so usually I just butt out and say nothing. Thing is she's nearly 16 and he can't control her anymore. She is standing up to him more and more and she has very little respect for him now after what has happened in the past and she shows it. He's having to face up to a lot of things and I do feel for him and am proud of him for not drinking but its very frustrating at times too.
Anyway enough about me!!! I'd definitely be up for a meetup. Its nearly a year since the last one. I know what you mean MacD, I think of you as friends and actually forget that I haven't even met some of you face to face.
Anyway, boys are fighting (again!!!) so I'd better throw them into bed.
Hope scan went well Baffy and love to everyone else.
x

Logged in for update from Baffy but no news yet.

Ginnny - well done for not giving in to the craving You're really doing well. Have to qualify what I said about my mum - I was about 17 and still living with her. It was about the 5th time she'd tried to give up but was clearly not coping (think psychopath ). My db and I had no choice but to suggest she resume the habit I have always encouraged her apart from that time - honest guv! It sounds like you have a great relationship with p's dd and that it can survive regardless of what happens between you and p. He needs to deal with her lack of respect for him and acknowledge that it's his own doing. He has to earn it back. You taking his side when he's in the wrong would be a double insult to the girl. He needs to consider people other than himself (you and dd).

Hi all
Thanks so much for the kind words and the encouragement. Macd it?s lovely to read such positive posts from you, that really does help.

LL great news about the scan. Totally understand that you can?t relax, I wake up every morning and am on pins until I feel a kick. Soon you?ll be able to feel it moving and that will give you that bit more reassurance. Until then make sure you do rest as much as you can. It does sound like it may well just be one of those pregnancies. But it will be worth it in the end How far are you now?

Ginny I hope you?re ok I know what you mean about the drink being a focus and something to fight against. I think this is the hardest bit - the stage once that fight is over and you have to really get to the bottom of your feelings and the relationship between the two of you, without the 3rd party involved.

Dior thanks for the hugs, much needed. And WW and HW ? I hope I can be as wise and rational as you two soon! You always speak such sense. Just so hard to see it when you?re in the midst of things. It really does help me.

Well as for me, and the scan, lo is doing great The sonographer was fantastic, a million times better than the one at 12 weeks. She showed us everything, right down to how it had fluid in it?s stomach and bladder, showing it was swallowing and everything was working ok. She got us lots of lovely pictures.
Baby was a little bit of a monster and refused to move round so we were in there for quite a while so she could check and see everything she wanted to. But that was good for us

And yes, we did find out what it is?.
Another boy!

Ds loved it and was so pleased seeing his baby brother on the 'special camera'. He?s said from day 1 he wanted a brother so he?s really pleased. It will be lovely for them.

I hate myself for even thinking this, and would never say it in RL, but I went home and cried It sounds pathetic and selfish and stupid as I have a beautiful healthy little boy who I am blessed to be having. But I can?t shake the fact that I would have loved a daughter. I always wanted a daughter, from when I was young. And realistically this will probably be my last child, I?m not sure I?d want more than 2 anyway (and even if I did I could have 10 boys!).

I feel a bit like my chance of having a daughter has gone. But more worryingly, and I have tears streaming down my face as I write this, I feel like OW got the daughter I should have had. H?s second child was a girl. It?s just not my little girl.
All her selfish, evil, nasty actions. And she comes out of it with the one thing I want, and can probably never have. How is that fair. Why does she deserve that. And I hate her even more.

That sounds awful doesn?t it. I?m not even sure I should post this. I'm ashamed at myself.

I do hate myself. I don?t want to take away from the fact that I already love this lo and I just know I will have a great family with my two boys. As long as he is safe and well what more could I possibly ask for. I am excited that I can bring out all the lovely clothes I saved from ds. It will be lovely to have 2 boys close together and in some respects maybe easier having two of the same sex. So why am I in tears
I actually just want to curl up and sleep forever at the moment. I hate myself.

oh Baffy please please dont hate yourself you are not deserving of that at all - am sending a huge hug and will be back to say more as soon as I am finished morning surgery sorry is heaving here xxxx

Hi everyone.

a quick hi from me as im feeling poorly with cold.

LL So pleased the lo is ok. Must be incredibly difficult having so many bleeds. I really feel for you xx

Macd. His a git you h isnt he! He knows what his lost in you and he cant face that. It will get better you will get stronger and he will eventually run out of steam.

Ginny. Well done on quitting.

Tannee,ww,tfm,hw,ll Big wave x

Dior, you go enjoy yourself you deserve it x

Baffy. Many congrats on the new baby. FWIW. I did exactly the same as you after my scan with ds3. I cried because i so wanted him to be a girl. And i felt so mean thinking like that because every child is a gift and my pregancies are rotten! And thats even with the fact that i had 2 beautiful dd's at home. So it's perfectly logical. there are millions of mums that have reacted the same and then straight away been consummed by the immence (sp) guilt of thinking that.

Once i had my cry i loved the thought of another boy. My 2 girls had each other now my 2 boys would have each other. And i think we al know life nevers go straight forward to that little girl may well be in your future.

And a paternity test sounds like a good idea re h and ow. There is no certainty her dd is h's.

I had an x friend who got pregnant. She swindled 3 guys out of abortion money. She never intended to abort the baby. And when i spoke to another friend we added up that there was about 12 different men as the contender for the dad! She was also seeing a married man on a long term basis. Which she kept secret about. So dont think about it until its in black and white about paternity. Easier said than done i know.

So much for quick!

Off to rest i hate being poorly im such a girl about it! lol

Take care everyone xxx

Thanks you two
Sugar, lovely to see you. Hope you feel better soon xx

Baffy - I TOTALLY understand why you wanted a girl - I still grieve for the one I can never have. However, you know that you will love the little boy as soon as you see him, and will be glad he is here.